When Your Nervous System Thinks Love Is a Threat

RELATIONAL TRAUMA & RECOVERY • May 05, 2026

Last reviewed: June 2026 by Annie Wright, LMFT

Secondary: Therapy with Annie. https://anniewright.com/therapy-with-annie/;
Learn page. https://anniewright.com/learn/;
Quiz. https://anniewright.com/relational-trauma-quiz/

• Fixing the Foundations^™. https://anniewright.com/fixing-the-foundations/
• Therapy with Annie. https://anniewright.com/therapy-with-annie/
• Learn page. https://anniewright.com/learn/
• Quiz. https://anniewright.com/relational-trauma-quiz/

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The quiet hum of the city evening floated through Carmen’s open window, but inside her chest, a storm raged. Her partner reached out, fingers brushing her arm gently, a touch meant to soothe. Instead, her body stiffened instantly, a taut wire pulled tight beneath her skin.

Her breath caught, heart pounding not with affection but with alarm. Soraya, sitting across from a close friend, felt the same dissonance. When her friend’s voice softened and the room’s calm deepened, Soraya’s mind raced, “Why does this feel so unsafe?

Why does calm feel like a warning siren?” Both women were trapped in an invisible prison: their nervous systems had learned to mistake love for threat.

These experiences of dissonance between external reality and internal
sensation are more common than we often realize, especially among women
whose lives outwardly shine with achievement and competence but who
carry invisible burdens from early relational wounds. This article
explores why your nervous system might interpret love as danger and
offers a compassionate, clinically grounded path toward reclaiming
safety and connection.

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What Does It Mean When Love Feels Like Danger?

At its core, this experience reflects a nervous system shaped by
relational trauma, the kind of psychological wounding that happens when
those we depend on for safety, attunement, and emotional responsiveness
fall short. When the caregiving environment is inconsistent, neglectful,
or frightening, our early relational blueprint becomes distorted.
Instead of safety, connection may signal unpredictability or harm.

Relational trauma is not simply about a traumatic event but about the
ongoing patterns of attachment injury and emotional neglect that shape
how the brain and body learn to respond to closeness. This is why
insight alone, reading books, trying therapy, or intellectualizing
emotional patterns, often feels insufficient. The nervous system operates
below conscious thought, encoding relationships as safe or dangerous on
a biological level.

Dr. Judith Herman, MD, writes in Trauma and Recovery that
trauma shatters the fundamental human experience of safety and trust,
especially when it originates in relationships meant to protect us.
Similarly, Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, MD, in The Body Keeps the
Score, illuminates how trauma rewires brain and body memory, making
the experience of love itself a trigger for survival responses.

Imagine the nervous system as a deeply attuned radar, finely tuned to
detect safety or threat based on early experiences. When that radar’s
calibration is off, even the gentlest signal of love can register as
danger. This is not a failure of will or character, it is a survival
adaptation embedded in the biology of the nervous system.

The paradox is painful: the very thing that promises comfort, love,
connection, intimacy, becomes the source of alarm. This internal conflict
can leave you feeling isolated, frustrated, and exhausted, as if your
body is working against your desires.

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The Nervous System’s Role: From Safety to Survival Mode

To understand why love can feel threatening, it’s essential to
understand the nervous system’s architecture. Dr. Stephen Porges, PhD,
founder of Polyvagal Theory, describes a hierarchical system in which
the autonomic nervous system toggles between states of safety (social
engagement), mobilization (fight/flight), and immobilization
(freeze/shutdown) [8,9].

Social Engagement System: When this system is
active, we feel safe and connected. Facial expressions soften, vocal
tone modulates, and the body relaxes. It’s the internal state that
allows us to be open to love and intimacy.

Mobilization: When the nervous system senses danger,
it shifts into fight or flight, mobilizing energy to either confront or
escape threat. This state is characterized by increased heart rate,
muscle tension, and heightened alertness.

Immobilization: If fight or flight isn’t possible,
the system may shift into freeze or shutdown, a numbing or dissociative
state that conserves energy and protects from overwhelming distress.

When early attachment relationships are unpredictable or unsafe, the
nervous system adapts, often by defaulting to survival states even in
benign or nurturing situations. Carmen’s body, tensing at a kind touch,
is her nervous system’s way of bracing for harm, a conditioned response
from years of relational unpredictability. Soraya’s confusion over calm
affection reflects a nervous system that cannot yet categorize safety
accurately.

Allan Schore, PhD, notes in his work on right-brain dysregulation
that trauma impacts the nonverbal, emotional brain systems that govern
attachment and affect regulation, leading to chronic hypervigilance or
shutdown in relational contexts [10]. This dysregulation is not a
personal failing but a survival strategy embedded deep in the nervous
system.

The nervous system is designed to protect life, but in doing so, it
can become overly sensitive or skewed by early experiences. This means
that even when the present moment is safe, the body reacts as if danger
lurks close. This phenomenon often manifests as:

• A racing heart or shallow breathing in response to a partner’s
  approach
• Sudden anger or irritability triggered by minor relational cues
• Numbness or emotional shutdown in moments that should feel
  tender
• A pervasive sense of unease or restlessness in intimate
  contexts

These responses can feel confusing and isolating, especially when
external circumstances are supportive and loving. The nervous system’s
survival logic does not always align with external reality, which is why
healing requires both cognitive understanding and embodied practice.

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Composite Vignettes: Carmen and Soraya

Carmen’s Story Carmen is a founder in her late 30s whose professional life is a testament to competence and drive. She commands boardrooms and navigates high-stakes negotiations with grace. Yet, when her partner offers affection, whether a gentle touch or a soft word, her body braces as if preparing for a threat.

This reaction echoes a childhood where caregivers were intermittently loving and punitive, making safety unpredictable. Despite years of therapy and self-work, Carmen’s nervous system still flags intimacy as danger, leaving her stuck in a pattern of emotional withdrawal and self-protection.

One evening, after a particularly tender moment, Carmen found herself
retreating into silence, her partner’s concern met with a wall of
distance. She realized that her nervous system was not allowing her to
feel safe in that closeness. The paradox of wanting connection but
fearing it left her exhausted and confused.

Carmen’s story illustrates how survival strategies learned early can
become locked into the body, even as the mind understands differently.
Her nervous system’s alarm is not about her partner but about the echoes
of unpredictable caregiving. The challenge for Carmen is to create new
experiences of safety that can slowly recalibrate her biology.

Soraya’s Story
Soraya, a tenured professor, excels in her field and commands respect.
Yet, she confesses that moments of calm and affection feel confusing and
disorienting, triggering anxiety and a need to escape. Her relational
history includes neglect and emotional unavailability, imprinting a
blueprint where closeness was a precursor to disappointment or harm.
Soraya’s nervous system is locked in a pattern that complicates her
yearning for connection.

At a dinner with a close friend, when the conversation softened and
laughter quieted into comfortable silence, Soraya’s heart raced. She
suddenly felt trapped, as if the stillness were a trap. She excused
herself, grappling with the contradiction of craving intimacy yet
fearing it.

Soraya’s experience demonstrates how immobilization, a shutdown or
freeze response, can feel like a barrier to connection. Her nervous
system protects her by numbing or withdrawing, but this also blocks the
very closeness she desires. Healing for Soraya involves learning to
tolerate calm and safety without triggering escape.

Both women exemplify how relational trauma shapes the nervous
system’s response to love, creating patterns that persist despite
external success and therapeutic insight. Their stories invite us to
hold complexity and contradiction with compassion, recognizing that
healing is a gradual unfolding.

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The Science of Attachment and Trauma

The relationship between attachment style and trauma symptoms is
well-documented. A meta-analysis by Woodhouse, Ayers, and Field (2015)
found a robust association between adult attachment insecurity and
post-traumatic stress symptoms [1]. Similarly, Ogle, Rubin, and
Siegler’s work highlights how insecure attachment patterns mediate the
severity of trauma responses, especially when maladaptive appraisals
distort the meaning of relational experiences [2,3].

Attachment theory posits that early experiences with caregivers form
internal working models, mental maps of what relationships are like and
what to expect from others. When these early experiences are marked by
neglect, inconsistency, or harm, the internal model can skew toward
mistrust, fear, or hypervigilance.

These internal working models shape not only our conscious thoughts
but the implicit nervous system patterns that guide how we respond to
intimacy. For example, a woman with an anxious attachment style may find
herself hyper-alert to signs of rejection, while one with avoidant
attachment may instinctively withdraw when closeness approaches.

Dr. Marylene Cloitre, PhD, a leading clinician and researcher in
trauma recovery, emphasizes the importance of phase-based treatment that
first establishes safety and stabilization before moving into trauma
processing [6,7]. This approach aligns with what Annie Wright offers in
Fixing the Foundations, underscoring that the order of recovery phases
matters profoundly.

Understanding the neurobiology of attachment and trauma helps explain
why relational wounds are not simply “psychological” but deeply
embodied. The nervous system’s survival strategies, hyperarousal or
shutdown, are encoded in brainstem and limbic circuits, shaping how love
and connection are experienced.

This science also highlights the importance of corrective relational
experiences. Secure attachment is not a static trait but a dynamic
process that can be cultivated through safe, attuned relationships. For
women like Carmen and Soraya, finding or creating these relationships is
key to rewiring their nervous systems.

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Understanding Developmental Trauma Disorder

When relational trauma begins in childhood, it may manifest as
Developmental Trauma Disorder (DTD), a diagnosis proposed by Spinazzola,
van der Kolk, and Ford to capture the complex symptoms arising from
chronic interpersonal trauma and attachment adversity [4,5]. DTD
includes emotional dysregulation, difficulties with attention and
behavior, and disturbances in self-concept and relationships.

Unlike discrete traumatic events, developmental trauma is chronic and
relational, often involving neglect, abuse, or exposure to family
violence. The impact on the developing brain is profound, affecting
regulatory systems and attachment circuits.

This framework clarifies why adults like Carmen and Soraya, who carry
developmental trauma wounds, may struggle with patterns of relational
mistrust and nervous system dysregulation despite external competence.
It also highlights the necessity of tailored, phased interventions that
address the foundational nervous system dysregulation before trauma
processing.

In clinical practice, recognizing DTD can shift the focus from
symptom suppression to building foundational safety and regulation. It
also validates the complexity of experiences that might otherwise be
misunderstood or minimized.

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The Language of the Nervous System: Table of Responses to Relational Stimuli

Nervous System State	Description	Typical Behavioral Response	Relational Experience Example
Social Engagement	Feeling safe, connection possible	Openness, warmth, calm	Gentle touch, eye contact, soothing voice
Mobilization	Fight or flight response	Anxiety, agitation, anger, escape	Unexpected criticism, threat cues
Immobilization	Freeze or shutdown response	Numbness, dissociation, withdrawal	Emotional neglect, overwhelming distress

Understanding which state the nervous system is in helps decode the
paradox of feeling threatened by love. For example, Carmen’s stiffening
at a touch signals mobilization, a nervous system bracing for fight or
flight, while Soraya’s urge to withdraw in calm moments reflects
immobilization, a shutdown response.

Recognizing these states in yourself is a powerful first step. It
invites a pause, a moment of curiosity rather than judgment, to notice
what your body is signaling. This awareness is the foundation for
developing self-regulation and moving toward safety.

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Both/And: A Compassionate Perspective on Nervous System Survival

It is both true that the nervous system can mistake love for threat
and that healing is possible. Carmen and Soraya’s experiences are not
failures of character but adaptations that once kept them alive. This
recognition creates space for compassion rather than shame.

Both the body and mind must be engaged in recovery. As Dr. Judith
Herman teaches, trauma recovery involves restoring safety, mourning
losses, and reclaiming agency. The nervous system’s defensive patterns
can be gently reorganized through attuned relationships and
safety-building practices.

Both insight and embodied practice are necessary. Awareness alone
cannot rewire the nervous system; it requires sequenced phases of
healing, just as Fixing the Foundations guides students through safety,
attachment, grief, and relational skill-building phases.

For example, learning to recognize when your nervous system shifts
into mobilization or immobilization allows you to pause and engage
self-regulation tools before reacting. This is not about suppressing
feelings but about creating new patterns of safety and connection.

Consider a practical moment: you notice your chest tightening as your
partner reaches for your hand. Instead of pulling away or numbing out,
you might try a grounding exercise, feeling your feet on the floor,
taking a slow breath, or naming the sensation silently. This simple act
of noticing and soothing interrupts the survival cascade and invites
safety.

Healing is iterative and nonlinear. There will be days when love
feels safe and days when it does not. Both are part of the journey.
Holding this both/and perspective fosters patience and self-kindness,
essential companions on the path.

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The Systemic Lens: Trauma Beyond the Individual

Relational trauma does not occur in isolation; it is embedded in
family systems, cultural narratives, and social contexts. Carmen and
Soraya’s nervous system patterns are legacies of systemic
dynamics, intergenerational trauma, societal expectations of women’s
roles, and cultural silencing of emotional pain.

Bonnie Badenoch, PhD, emphasizes that understanding trauma through a
systemic lens allows us to see how personal patterns reflect broader
relational and cultural templates. This perspective invites collective
healing and challenges the myth of individual blame.

Moreover, structural inequities and normative pressures on driven,
driven women to appear “fine” can exacerbate isolation and shame,
making the nervous system’s mistrust of love even more entrenched. The
pressure to perform, to maintain composure, and to minimize
vulnerability often leaves little room for the nervous system to find
safety.

Recognizing these systemic forces is part of healing. It invites us
to create communities and environments where safety is not a scarce
resource but a shared foundation.

For example, women who excel in traditionally male-dominated fields
may face subtle or overt messages that emotional expression is weakness.
This cultural conditioning can deepen the nervous system’s mistrust of
vulnerability, reinforcing patterns of withdrawal or hypervigilance.

Healing, therefore, is not only an individual endeavor but a
relational and cultural one. It calls us to nurture environments that
validate emotional experience, honor complexity, and foster genuine
connection.

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A Practical Recovery Map: When Your Nervous System Thinks Love Is a Threat

Healing from nervous system dysregulation around love is a
process, one that requires patience, kindness, and intentional practice.
Below is a practical, clinically informed map to guide your recovery
journey.

1. Safety & Stabilization

• Daily grounding and self-regulation: Develop a
  daily practice of breathwork, mindfulness, or sensory awareness. Simple
  exercises like slow, deep breathing or noticing the texture of an object
  can anchor you in the present. For example, the 4-7-8 breathing
  technique, inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7, exhale for 8, can calm
  hyperarousal.
• Create predictable environments: Cultivate physical
  and emotional spaces that feel safe and predictable. This might mean
  establishing routines, reducing overstimulation, or setting boundaries
  around interactions that feel overwhelming. Consider creating a “safe
  space” at home with comforting objects, soft lighting, and minimal
  noise.
• Use body-based practices: Yoga, gentle movement, or
  progressive muscle relaxation can help regulate nervous system arousal
  by reconnecting mind and body.

2. Your Relational Blueprint

• Identify early patterns: With compassionate
  curiosity, explore your early relational experiences and attachment
  injuries. Journaling prompts might include, “What did safety feel
  like to me as a child?” or “When did I first notice feeling
  unsafe in relationships?”
• Externalize your story: Share your reflections with
  trusted friends, coaches, or in supportive communities to reduce
  isolation and begin reframing your narrative. Sometimes naming the story
  aloud weakens its grip.
• Practice self-compassion: Recognize that your
  patterns were survival strategies. Use affirmations like, “I am learning
  new ways to be safe,” or “My nervous system is working hard to protect
  me.”

3. Attachment & the Nervous System

• Learn Polyvagal Theory: Understanding how your
  nervous system works can empower you to notice shifts and respond
  skillfully. Resources like Annie Wright’s Fixing the Foundations offer
  accessible education on this topic.
• Seek safe, attuned relationships: Whether through
  therapy, coaching, or community, engage in relationships where you feel
  seen, heard, and regulated. These corrective experiences can gradually
  recalibrate your nervous system.
• Practice co-regulation: Notice when others’ calm
  presence helps you feel safer. This might be a partner, friend, or
  therapist. Allow yourself to lean into these moments, even if they feel
  unfamiliar or uncomfortable.
• Use micro-moments of connection: Small
  interactions, eye contact, shared laughter, a gentle touch, can be
  powerful in rewiring attachment patterns over time.

4. Grief & Mourning

• Allow space for loss: Mourning what was lost or
  never received, safety, attunement, love, is essential. This grief is not
  weakness but a vital step toward healing.
• Use somatic or expressive therapies: Practices such
  as dance, art, or bodywork can help access emotions beyond words,
  especially when grief feels too raw or inaccessible. For example,
  expressive writing or drawing can provide a safe outlet for complex
  feelings.
• Create rituals of release: Lighting a candle,
  planting a tree, or writing a letter to your younger self can honor
  grief and foster integration.

5. Cognitive & Emotional Restructuring

• Identify maladaptive appraisals: Notice
  trauma-based beliefs like “I am unsafe,” or “Love hurts.”
• Practice reframing: Work with affirmations,
  compassionate self-talk, or cognitive-behavioral techniques to challenge
  and soften these beliefs. For instance, replace “I must protect myself
  by shutting down” with “I can learn to trust my body and feelings.”
• Use mindfulness to observe thoughts: Notice
  negative self-talk without judgment, creating distance from it rather
  than fighting it.
• Engage in narrative therapy: Re-author your life
  story to highlight resilience and growth rather than deficit.

6. Relational Skill-Building

• Develop emotional expression skills: Learn to
  identify, name, and express emotions safely. This can begin with
  journaling or practicing “I feel” statements in low-stakes
  conversations.
• Practice boundary-setting: Establish and
  communicate your needs clearly and kindly. Role-play or scripting can
  help prepare for real-life situations.
• Engage in vulnerability: Gradually practice opening
  up in safe contexts, noticing how your nervous system responds. Start
  small, sharing a minor worry or joy, and build from there.
• Learn to soothe and calm yourself: Use
  self-soothing techniques like gentle touch, humming, or visualization to
  regulate nervous system arousal during relational challenges.

7. Integration & Forward

• Weave new patterns into daily life: Notice moments
  when you respond from safety rather than survival. Celebrate these
  shifts, no matter how small.
• Foster ongoing self-care and community: Healing is
  relational and ongoing. Cultivate connections and practices that nourish
  your nervous system. This might include regular check-ins with
  supportive friends, joining groups that resonate with your experience,
  or continuing education like Fixing the Foundations.
• Prepare for setbacks with compassion: Healing is
  not linear. When old patterns arise, treat yourself with kindness and
  curiosity rather than judgment.
• Engage in creative or spiritual practices: These
  can deepen integration by connecting you with meaning and purpose beyond
  trauma.

This map mirrors the phased approach validated by Cloitre and
colleagues and embodies the core principles of Fixing the Foundations.
It honors the complexity of healing while offering concrete steps toward
reclaiming love and safety.

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Related Reading and PubMed Citations

1. Woodhouse S, Ayers S, Field AP. The relationship between adult
   attachment style and post-traumatic stress symptoms: A meta-analysis.
   J Anxiety Disord. 2015;35:103-117. PMID: 26409250. [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26409250/](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26409250/)
2. Ogle CM, Rubin DC, Siegler IC. The relation between insecure
   attachment and posttraumatic stress: Early life versus adulthood
   traumas. Psychol Trauma. 2015;7(5):446-454. DOI:
   10.1037/tra0000015. PMID: 26147517. [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26147517/](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26147517/)
3. Ogle CM, Rubin DC, Siegler IC. Maladaptive trauma appraisals mediate
   the relation between attachment anxiety and PTSD symptom severity.
   Psychol Trauma. 2016;8(6):734-741. DOI: 10.1037/tra0000112.
   PMID: 27046669. [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27046669/](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27046669/)
4. Spinazzola J, van der Kolk B, Ford JD. Developmental Trauma
   Disorder: A Legacy of Attachment Trauma in Victimized Children. J
   Trauma Stress. 2021;34(4):898-913. DOI: 10.1002/jts.22697. PMID: 34048078. [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34048078/](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34048078/)
5. Spinazzola J, van der Kolk B, Ford JD. When Nowhere Is Safe:
   Interpersonal Trauma and Attachment Adversity as Antecedents of PTSD and
   Developmental Trauma Disorder. J Trauma Stress.
   2018;31(5):631-642. DOI: 10.1002/jts.22320. PMID: 30338544. [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30338544/](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30338544/)
6. Cloitre M, Koenen KC, Cohen LR, Han H. Skills training in affective
   and interpersonal regulation followed by exposure: a phase-based
   treatment for PTSD related to childhood abuse. J Consult Clin
   Psychol. 2002;70(5):1067-1074. PMID: 12362957. [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/12362957/](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/12362957/)
7. Cloitre M, Stovall-McClough KC, Nooner K, et al. Treatment for PTSD
   related to childhood abuse: a randomized controlled trial. Am J
   Psychiatry. 2010;167(8):915-924. DOI:
   10.1176/appi.ajp.2010.09081247. PMID: 20595411. [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20595411/](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20595411/)
8. Porges SW. Polyvagal Theory: A Science of Safety. Front Integr
   Neurosci. 2022;16:906343. DOI: 10.3389/fnint.2022.906343. PMID: 35645742. [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35645742/](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35645742/)
9. Porges SW. The polyvagal theory: phylogenetic substrates of a social
   nervous system. Int J Psychophysiol. 2001;42(2):123-146. PMID: 11587772. [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/11587772/](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/11587772/)
10. Schore AN. Dysregulation of the right brain: a fundamental mechanism
    of traumatic attachment and the psychopathogenesis of PTSD.
    Aust N Z J Psychiatry. 2002 Feb;36(1):9-30. PMID: 11929435.
    [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/11929435/](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/11929435/)

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References

Peer-Reviewed Research (Vancouver)

1. van der Kolk BA, Wang JB, Yehuda R, Bedrosian L, Coker AR, Harrison C, et al. Effects of MDMA-assisted therapy for PTSD on self-experience. PLoS One. 2024;19(1):e0295926. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0295926. PMID: 38198456.
2. Cloitre M, Stolbach BC, Herman JL, van der Kolk B, Pynoos R, Wang J, et al. A developmental approach to complex PTSD: childhood and adult cumulative trauma as predictors of symptom complexity. J Trauma Stress. 2009;22(5):399-408. doi:10.1002/jts.20444. PMID: 19795402.
3. Porges SW. Polyvagal Theory: Current Status, Clinical Applications, and Future Directions. Clin Neuropsychiatry. 2025;22(3):169-184. doi:10.36131/cnfioritieditore20250301. PMID: 40735382.
4. Schore AN. The Interpersonal Neurobiology of Intersubjectivity. Front Psychol. 2021;12:648616. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.648616. PMID: 33959077.

Books & Cultural Sources (Chicago Author-Date)

• Badenoch, Bonnie. Being a brain-wise therapist. W. W. Norton & Co., 2008.

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