Flying Monkeys: How Narcissists Weaponize Your Support System

RELATIONAL TRAUMA • April 07, 2026

LAST UPDATED: APRIL 2026

The Secondary Betrayal

You finally did it. After years of gaslighting, manipulation, and emotional exhaustion, you set a firm boundary. You blocked your abusive ex, or you went No Contact with your toxic mother. You expected the abuser to be angry. What you didn’t expect was the barrage of text messages from your sister, your mutual friends, and your colleagues.

“How could you do this to him?” “She’s crying every day, you need to apologize.” “You’re tearing the family apart.”

Suddenly, you are not just fighting the abuser; you are fighting an entire army of people who have bought into the abuser’s narrative. This is the phenomenon of the “Flying Monkey,” and for many survivors, this secondary betrayal is even more traumatizing than the original abuse.

What Are Flying Monkeys?

Narcissists rarely fight their own battles if they can manipulate someone else into doing it for them. When you set a boundary, the narcissist loses their supply. To regain control, they will deploy a smear campaign, painting themselves as the victim and you as the unstable, cruel aggressor.

The Flying Monkeys are the foot soldiers of this campaign. They do the abuser’s dirty work, allowing the abuser to keep their hands clean while simultaneously destroying your reputation and your resolve.

The 3 Types of Flying Monkeys

Not all Flying Monkeys are malicious. They generally fall into three categories:

1. The Manipulated Rescuer: These are well-meaning people who genuinely believe the narcissist’s victim narrative. They think they are helping by trying to “mediate” or “fix” the relationship. They are often highly empathetic people who have been completely conned.
2. The Complicit Enabler: These people know the abuser is toxic, but they are too afraid to stand up to them. They pressure you to comply because your boundary-setting makes the abuser angry, and they don’t want to deal with the fallout. Their goal is to restore the status quo.
3. The Malicious Co-Conspirator: These are people who share the narcissist’s toxic traits. They enjoy the drama, the gossip, and the power of tearing you down. They actively participate in the smear campaign because it makes them feel superior.

How Flying Monkeys Hook the Driven Woman

Let’s look at Jessica. She’s 35, a VP of Sales. She recently ended a relationship with a covert narcissist. Jessica is used to managing her reputation; her career depends on her ability to be seen as reasonable, competent, and fair.

When her ex begins telling their mutual friends that Jessica had a “mental breakdown” and abandoned him, the friends start texting her, expressing “concern.” Jessica’s instinct is to defend herself. She drafts long, logical texts explaining the abuse, providing timelines and evidence to prove she is the sane one.

But the friends don’t believe her. They tell her she sounds “defensive” and “bitter.” The more Jessica tries to manage her reputation, the more she looks like the unstable person her ex claims she is.

The driven woman is particularly susceptible to Flying Monkeys because she cannot stand being misunderstood. She believes that if she just presents the facts clearly enough, the truth will prevail. The narcissist weaponizes her need for justice, using the Flying Monkeys to keep her engaged in a battle she cannot win.

The Neurobiology of the Smear Campaign

When you are targeted by Flying Monkeys, your brain does not just register it as an annoyance; it registers it as a survival threat. Human beings are biologically wired for connection. In our evolutionary history, being ostracized from the tribe meant certain death.

When your support system turns against you, your amygdala (the fear center) goes into overdrive. You experience a profound sense of unsafety, leading to hypervigilance, insomnia, and panic attacks. You are not just losing a relationship with the abuser; you are losing your social safety net.

This is why the urge to J.A.D.E. (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) is so overwhelming. Your brain is desperately trying to secure your place in the tribe. Understanding this neurobiological panic is crucial; it allows you to recognize that your terror is a biological reflex, not a sign that you made the wrong decision.

Both/And: Holding the Complexity of the Betrayal

In trauma recovery, we must hold the Both/And. It is the only way to navigate the profound grief of losing your support system.

You can hold that these friends or family members might be genuinely good people who have been manipulated. AND you can hold that their behavior is currently harmful to you, and you must protect yourself from them.

You can hold that it is deeply unfair that the abuser gets to play the victim while you are painted as the villain. AND you can hold that fighting the smear campaign will only drain the energy you need to heal.

You can hold that the loneliness of losing your social circle is agonizing. AND you can hold that a social circle built on a foundation of lies and compliance was never truly safe to begin with.

The Systemic Lens: Why Society Protects the Abuser

We cannot understand the phenomenon of Flying Monkeys without looking through the systemic lens. Our culture is deeply uncomfortable with the reality of psychological abuse. Because gaslighting and emotional manipulation leave no physical bruises, society defaults to the narrative of “two sides to every story.”

When a woman sets a firm boundary, she violates the cultural expectation that women should be accommodating, forgiving, and self-sacrificing. The narcissist exploits this systemic bias. By playing the wounded, abandoned victim, the abuser taps into society’s instinct to comfort the person who is crying, rather than the person who is standing firm.

The Flying Monkeys are often just acting out this cultural script. They are enforcing the patriarchal demand that women prioritize the comfort of the group over their own psychological safety. Recognizing this systemic dynamic helps lift the burden of shame; you are not just fighting your ex or your mother, you are fighting a cultural imperative.

How to Heal: The Path Forward

Protecting yourself from Flying Monkeys requires a radical acceptance of being misunderstood. You must surrender the need to control your reputation.

First, you must set boundaries with the monkeys. Use the Grey Rock method. When they bring up the abuser, say, “I am not discussing this. If you bring it up again, I will end the conversation.” If they persist, you must block them. You cannot heal in an environment where you are constantly defending your reality.

Second, do not J.A.D.E. Do not show them screenshots. Do not explain the abuse. The truth is not a courtroom, and the Flying Monkeys are not the jury. Your reality does not require their validation to be true.

Finally, you must do the deep “basement-level” work with a trauma-informed therapist. You must grieve the loss of the people who chose the abuser’s comfortable lie over your uncomfortable truth. The goal is to build a psychological foundation so solid that you no longer need the validation of people who require you to betray yourself to keep their friendship.

In my work with driven, ambitious women recovering from narcissistic and sociopathic abuse — over 15,000 clinical hours — I’ve observed something that general trauma therapy often misses: the abuse didn’t break her. It exploited the break that was already there. The woman who stays too long with a narcissist isn’t naive. She’s neurobiologically primed — by a childhood that taught her love is earned, that her worth is contingent on someone else’s approval, and that the intermittent reinforcement of conditional affection is what “connection” feels like.

Stephen Porges, PhD, neuroscientist at Indiana University and developer of Polyvagal Theory, describes how the nervous system uses neuroception — an unconscious process of evaluating safety and danger — to determine who feels familiar. For the woman who grew up with an emotionally unpredictable parent, the narcissist’s cycle of idealization and devaluation doesn’t trigger alarm bells. It triggers recognition. Not because she wants chaos. Because her nervous system only knows how to attach in the presence of uncertainty. The steady, reliable partner feels foreign. The one who runs hot and cold feels like home. (PMID: 7652107)

This is why recovery from narcissistic abuse isn’t just about leaving the relationship. It’s about rewiring the template that made the relationship feel inevitable in the first place. That template was installed before she had language, before she had choice, and before she understood that what she was learning about love was, in fact, a blueprint for suffering.

Judith Herman, MD, psychiatrist at Harvard Medical School and author of Trauma and Recovery, identifies three stages of recovery from complex trauma: establishing safety, reconstructing the trauma story, and reconnecting with ordinary life. For the driven woman leaving narcissistic abuse, these stages take on a particular character. Safety means learning to trust her own perceptions again — after years of being told that what she saw, felt, and experienced was wrong. Reconstruction means grieving not just the relationship, but the version of herself she lost inside it. And reconnection means building a life where her worth isn’t determined by her usefulness to someone else. (PMID: 22729977)

What makes narcissistic abuse recovery uniquely challenging for driven women is that the same qualities that made them targets — their empathy, their competence, their willingness to work harder than anyone in the room — are the qualities that kept them trapped. The narcissist didn’t choose her at random. He chose her because she was the person most likely to give everything and ask for nothing. Because her childhood taught her that love requires sacrifice, and she was willing to sacrifice herself to maintain the illusion of connection.

Bessel van der Kolk, MD, psychiatrist and trauma researcher at Boston University and author of The Body Keeps the Score, explains that traumatic bonds are stored in the body — in the nervous system’s desperate attachment to the person who is both the source of danger and the source of intermittent relief. This is why she can intellectually know he’s toxic and still feel a physical pull to return. The pull isn’t love. It’s a nervous system conditioned by intermittent reinforcement — the most powerful behavioral conditioning pattern known to neuroscience. (PMID: 9384857)

Richard Schwartz, PhD, developer of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, describes how the psyche organizes itself into protective parts that carry specific roles. For the woman in a narcissistic relationship, these parts are in constant activation: the Caretaker part that manages his moods, the Hypervigilant part that scans for the next eruption, the Performing part that maintains the facade of normalcy, and — buried beneath all of them — the Exile: the young, terrified part that believes she deserves this treatment because she believed it long before he ever arrived. (PMID: 23813465)

The therapeutic work isn’t about demonizing the narcissist, though naming the pattern matters. It’s about helping her see that the parts of herself that kept her in the relationship were trying to protect her — using the only strategies they knew, strategies that were forged in a childhood where love required compliance, where safety required performance, and where her own needs were treated as threats to the family system.

When the Caretaker part learns it doesn’t have to earn love through self-abandonment, it can rest. When the Hypervigilant part learns that safety is possible without constant scanning, it can relax. When the Exile is finally witnessed — not fixed, just witnessed — the grief it carries can begin to move. And the woman who emerges from this process isn’t weaker for having been abused. She’s more attuned to her own experience than she has ever been in her life.

Pete Walker, MA, MFT, author of Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, identifies the fawn response as the survival strategy most commonly exploited by narcissistic and sociopathic partners. The fawn response — the compulsive need to appease, accommodate, and anticipate the other person’s needs — was installed in childhood, in a family system where the child’s safety depended on her ability to manage a parent’s emotional state. The narcissist recognizes this wiring instantly, because it makes her the perfect supply: endlessly giving, endlessly forgiving, endlessly willing to take responsibility for his behavior.

What I want to name directly — because this is what changes the trajectory of recovery — is that the shame she carries isn’t hers. The voice that says “you should have known” or “how could someone so smart be so blind” isn’t her voice. It’s the internalized voice of a culture that blames women for the behavior of the men who abuse them, and a family system that taught her that everything was her responsibility. The shame belongs to the system that created her vulnerability, not to the woman who was exploited by it.

Gabor Maté, MD, physician and author of When the Body Says No, writes that the suppression of emotional needs in service of attachment is the root of both psychological and physical suffering. For the woman leaving narcissistic abuse, the body has been keeping score — the migraines, the autoimmune flares, the insomnia, the jaw clenching, the chest tightness that no cardiologist can explain. Recovery means finally giving the body permission to tell the truth that the performing self has been suppressing for years: this hurt me. This was not okay. And I deserve something radically different.

Deb Dana, LCSW, author of Anchored and The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy, teaches that healing from relational abuse happens not through cognitive understanding alone but through what she calls “glimmers” — small moments when the nervous system experiences safety without having to earn it. For the woman whose entire relational history has been organized around earning love, these glimmers can feel unbearable at first. Being met with warmth when she expected criticism. Being held without conditions. Being told that her needs are not too much.

This is the paradox of narcissistic abuse recovery: the thing she most needs — genuine safety and unconditional regard — is the thing her nervous system is least equipped to receive. Her system was calibrated for danger. It knows what to do with criticism, with contempt, with the withdrawal of affection. It does not know what to do with kindness that asks nothing in return. And so the first months of recovery often feel worse, not better — because the nervous system is being asked to reorganize around a completely unfamiliar experience.

This is why recovery requires more than reading a book or joining a support group, though both can help. It requires a sustained therapeutic relationship with someone who understands the neurobiology of traumatic bonding, who won’t rush her toward forgiveness or closure, and who can hold the full complexity of a woman who is both extraordinarily strong and profoundly wounded — and who knows that those two things have always been the same thing.

What I observe in my clinical practice — and what no self-help book or Instagram infographic adequately captures — is the particular devastation of narcissistic abuse on the driven woman’s sense of self. She entered the relationship as someone who trusted her own judgment. She exits it questioning whether she can trust anything — her memory, her perceptions, her instincts, her worthiness. The narcissist didn’t just hurt her. He systematically dismantled the internal compass she spent decades building. And rebuilding that compass is the central project of recovery.

Peter Levine, PhD, developer of Somatic Experiencing, describes how the body stores unprocessed trauma as frozen survival energy — fight, flight, or freeze responses that were activated but never completed. For the woman leaving narcissistic abuse, this manifests as a nervous system that is simultaneously exhausted and hyperactivated. She can’t rest because her system is still scanning for threat. She can’t feel because her system shut down sensation as a protective measure. She can’t trust her body’s signals because her body’s signals were overridden for years by someone who told her what she felt wasn’t real. (PMID: 25699005)

Somatic therapy — working directly with the body’s stored trauma — is often the missing piece in narcissistic abuse recovery. The driven woman is excellent at cognitive processing. She can analyze her relationship with devastating clarity. But analysis alone doesn’t resolve the trembling in her hands when she hears a car door slam, or the constriction in her chest when someone raises their voice, or the nausea that rises when she tries to set a boundary. Those responses live below thought, and they require a therapeutic approach that meets them where they are.

Harriet Lerner, PhD, clinical psychologist and author of The Dance of Anger, writes about the way women are socialized to suppress anger — to redirect it inward as depression, to metabolize it as self-blame, to perform it as accommodation. For the woman recovering from narcissistic abuse, reclaiming anger is one of the most important — and most terrifying — thresholds in the healing process. Not destructive rage. Not vindictive fury. But the clean, clarifying anger that says: what happened to me was wrong, and I did not deserve it.

The driven woman has particular difficulty with this threshold because her entire identity was constructed around being reasonable, measured, and above petty emotions. The narcissist exploited this — every time she expressed hurt, he called her dramatic; every time she expressed anger, he called her abusive; every time she expressed need, he called her clingy. Over time, she learned to pre-emptively suppress everything the narcissist might weaponize against her. Which was, eventually, everything.

In therapy, we work with anger not as a problem to be managed but as a signal to be honored. Anger is the psyche’s way of saying: a boundary was violated. For the woman who was taught that having boundaries was selfish, learning to feel anger without shame is itself a radical act of recovery. It means her system is waking up. It means the parts of her that went silent in the relationship are beginning to speak again. It means she is, slowly and painfully and beautifully, coming back to herself.

Rachel Yehuda, PhD, neuroscientist and Director of Traumatic Stress Studies at Mount Sinai, has demonstrated through her research on epigenetics that trauma can be transmitted across generations — not just through behavior, but through biological mechanisms that alter gene expression. For the woman recovering from narcissistic abuse who also carries a history of intergenerational trauma, this research validates something she may have always sensed: that her vulnerability to this kind of relationship didn’t originate with her. It was part of a legacy — a pattern of relational trauma that preceded her birth and will, without intervention, outlive her. (PMID: 27189040)

This is not determinism. It’s context. And context matters because without it, the woman blames herself for “choosing” a narcissist, as if the choice were made in a vacuum, as if her nervous system wasn’t shaped by forces she couldn’t see, as if the template for what felt “familiar” in a partner wasn’t written by hands that weren’t hers. Understanding the intergenerational dimension of narcissistic abuse doesn’t absolve responsibility. It distributes it more accurately — away from the individual woman who “should have known better” and toward the systems that failed to protect her, beginning with her family of origin.

The therapeutic work, then, isn’t just about healing from this relationship. It’s about interrupting a pattern that may have been running for generations — so that her children, if she has them, inherit a different template. So that the legacy she passes on isn’t one of conditional love and intermittent reinforcement, but one of earned security, honest connection, and the quiet, revolutionary knowledge that love is not supposed to hurt.

Dan Siegel, MD, clinical professor at UCLA and developer of Interpersonal Neurobiology, uses the phrase “name it to tame it” to describe how putting language to overwhelming emotional experiences helps the prefrontal cortex regulate the amygdala’s alarm response. For the woman recovering from narcissistic abuse, naming what happened — accurately, clinically, without minimization — is itself therapeutic. When she can say “that was gaslighting” instead of “maybe I was being too sensitive,” when she can say “that was a trauma bond” instead of “I just loved too much,” when she can say “he exploited my attachment system” instead of “I was stupid” — something shifts. The prefrontal cortex comes online. The shame loosens its grip. The narrative reorganizes around truth rather than self-blame. (PMID: 11556645)

This is why psychoeducation — learning the clinical framework for what happened — is such a powerful early step in recovery. Not because knowledge alone heals (it doesn’t), but because naming the pattern breaks the narcissist’s most powerful weapon: the distortion of her reality. Every accurate label she applies to his behavior is a reclamation of the perceptual clarity he systematically destroyed.

Sue Johnson, PhD, psychologist and developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), describes how our deepest emotional wounds are relational — and therefore require relational healing. You cannot recover from narcissistic abuse alone, no matter how many books you read, podcasts you listen to, or journal entries you write. The wound happened in relationship. The healing must happen in relationship too — with a therapist, with a trusted friend, with a community of women who understand what she’s been through. Not because she’s weak. Because she’s human. And human nervous systems are designed to heal in connection, not in isolation. (PMID: 27273169)

What I see in my practice is that the driven woman often tries to recover from narcissistic abuse the same way she does everything else: independently, efficiently, on a timeline. She reads every book. She listens to every podcast. She takes notes. She makes a plan. And yet something essential doesn’t shift — because the part of her that was wounded isn’t accessible through intellect. It’s accessible through relationship. Through the experience of being held without conditions. Through the corrective experience of a connection where she doesn’t have to perform, manage, or earn her way to safety.

If you recognize yourself in these words — if you’re reading this at an hour you should be sleeping, searching for answers that the Google algorithm keeps serving you in listicle form — I want you to know that the search itself is a sign of health. The part of you that is still looking, still hoping, still believing that something better is possible — she is the part that will carry you through this. She has been carrying you all along.

Janina Fisher, PhD, author of Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors, describes how narcissistic abuse creates a specific form of structural dissociation — a splitting of the self into the part that functions (goes to work, parents children, maintains the facade) and the part that carries the unprocessed pain of the abuse. For driven women, this split can persist long after the relationship ends, because the functional part is so effective at maintaining appearances that no one — sometimes not even the woman herself — recognizes the depth of the wound underneath. (PMID: 16530597)

Recovery means integrating these split-off parts. It means allowing the functional self and the wounded self to exist in the same room, the same body, the same moment — without one having to silence the other. This is exquisitely uncomfortable work. It means feeling things she has been suppressing for years, sometimes decades. It means grieving losses she couldn’t acknowledge while she was surviving. It means sitting with the terrible, liberating truth that the person she loved was also the person who harmed her — and that both of those realities can coexist without destroying her.

This is what I mean when I say “fixing the foundations.” The foundation isn’t the relationship. The foundation is her relationship with herself — the one that was compromised long before the narcissist arrived, and the one that recovery is ultimately about restoring. Not to who she was before. To who she was always meant to be, underneath the adaptations, the performances, and the survival strategies that got her this far but can’t take her where she needs to go next.

Related Reading:

• Durvasula, Ramani. “Don’t You Know Who I Am?”: How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility. Post Hill Press, 2019.
• Simon, George K. In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People. Parkhurst Brothers Publishers Inc, 1996.
• Van der Kolk, Bessel. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking, 2014.
• Herman, Judith Lewis. Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books, 1992.

Medical Disclaimer

Medical Disclaimer