We felt like the proverbial Ugly Duckling amongst a group of swans.
The black sheep in a herd of white.
An other.
Be it childhood abuse or the experience of being other, whatever the reason, many of us wouldn’t necessarily choose the family-of-origins we are born into.
Sadly and frustratingly, we don’t get much choice when we’re little.
This is the painful powerlessness of childhood – the lack of agency around and dependency on the families we’re born into/adopted into.
But the beauty of growing up is that hopefully, and in time, we do have more agency and choice over who we include in our lives.
And part of this may mean that, as we grow, we develop the opportunity to cultivate and nourish our own second chance family-of-choice.
Today, I want to share more with you about what I consider a second chance family-of-choice to be (hint: it’s not just people), why this is so incredibly important, what can get in the way of creating this even if “technically” we have more choice, share with you a very important reminder about this process, and provide you with a list of prompts and queries to reflect on what cultivating and creating a second chance family-of-choice may look and feel like for you.
What is a second chance family-of-choice?
A second chance family-of choice is, again, the people we get to choose to be in our lives. Versus who we are forced to be around when we’re young.
A second chance family-of-choice includes people who love us, accept us, support us, get us. And who want to be in our lives to lift us up and share along in the ride.
A second chance family-of-choice may include people who share our values, our beliefs. Or who, even if they don’t, happily allow for differences between us and find ways to be in healthy connection with us even if their choices look different.
They are not necessarily members of our family-of-origin (though they may include some of them!). But they may feel more like family than anyone we’re blood-related to ever has felt.
Sometimes these chosen people are flesh and blood real. The partners we date and/or marry. The children we have ourselves. The friends we hold tight around us. The mentors we seek out and keep as touchstones in our lives.
And sometimes these second chance family-of-choice members may be pen-and-paper in nature or only known from afar.
I’ve written about this before. But I think it’s important to allow ourselves to imagine that major influences and influencers in our life can be people we only know of or witness through their writing, speaking, and modeling.
We can greatly expand our second chance, family-of-choice. If we allow ourselves to count those who resonate with us on a deep soul level (but who we may never know in person) to “count” as important and influential in our lives.
