RELATIONAL TRAUMA

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Adulting’s Not Always Easy. And Humaning Can Be Hard.

LIFE TRANSITIONS & MAJOR DECISIONS • January 10, 2016

SUMMARY

Happy New Year, my friend. SUMMARY Adulting and humaning are inherently challenging aspects of adult development, especially during uncertain times.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

1. Why do some years feel collectively, almost absurdly hard for so many people at once?
2. What is adulting, and what is humaning — and why does the difference matter?
3. Adulting, according to Urban Dictionary, is:
4. What are the frailties of human nature that make humaning so consistently hard?
5. Why isn’t adulting and humaning supposed to be easy, and what does that mean for you?
6. Adulting is hard. Humaning is harder. You’re doing both.
7. References
8. Frequently Asked Questions

Happy New Year, my friend.

SUMMARY

• Adulting and humaning are inherently challenging aspects of adult development, especially during uncertain times.
• The period of emerging adulthood (ages 18-29) involves identity exploration and can be particularly difficult for those with relational trauma backgrounds.
• 2015 was a notably challenging year for many, marked by global crises and personal struggles that made humaning feel hard.
• Understanding the frailties of human nature can help in navigating the difficulties of adulting and humaning.
• Finding ways to cope and seek support is essential when adulting and humaning feel overwhelming.

Summary

Definition: Adult Development

So 2016 has finally arrived and I imagine that for many of you, there may have been a sense of “good riddance” when we said goodbye to 2015 ten days ago. And if that was the case, you’re so not alone.

Why do some years feel collectively, almost absurdly hard for so many people at once?

DEFINITION RELATIONAL TRAUMA

Relational trauma refers to psychological injury that occurs within the context of important relationships, particularly those with primary caregivers during childhood. Unlike single-incident trauma, relational trauma involves repeated experiences of emotional neglect, inconsistency, manipulation, or abuse within bonds where safety and trust should have been foundational.

Emerging Adulthood

Emerging adulthood — roughly the period between ages 18 and 29 — is now recognized as a distinct developmental stage characterized by identity exploration, instability, and the simultaneous experience of possibility and uncertainty. For those with relational trauma backgrounds, this period can feel particularly disorienting: you’re expected to launch into adult life often without the internal scaffolding that a secure, attuned childhood provides.

From the tragedy of events unfolding on the world stage — the Syrian refugee crisis, the mind-boggling American gun violence epidemic, and certain politicians using their power and platform to spew messages of fear and hate — to the personal pain, struggle, grief and overwhelm that may have unfolded in our own individual lives, 2015 was a year where, for many, humaning was hard and adulting wasn’t always easy.

And while I truly hope that 2016 brings greater ease and peace in the course of world events, as a psychotherapist I also want to go on record by saying that no matter what’s going on at a global level, the daily stuff of our own individual lives – the adulting and humaning we’re all called upon to do each and every waking day – will likely still feel very hard at times in 2016. Because, Life.

I say this not to be a downer, but instead to offer up a big, fat slice of compassion and perspective if you’ve felt alone in your daily struggles of being an adult and being a human.

Everyday in my work, I see people shame and blame themselves for struggling with the daily, inevitable stuff of life, and this — the added layer of shaming and blaming on top of an already tough time — can cause so much additional and unnecessary pain and suffering.

So in today’s blog post I want to share with you my perspective as a psychotherapist about just how hard adulting and humaning can actually be sometimes and share some encouragement if you’ve ever shamed or blamed yourself for struggling with it all, too.

Pour yourself a mug of something warm, and keep reading…

What is adulting, and what is humaning — and why does the difference matter?

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”

RUMI

Confession: I love Buzzfeed. In addition to appreciating their news coverage, mental health advocacy and awareness campaigns, and – of course! – quizzes, Buzzfeed helps me (for better or for worse) stay plugged into the Millenial cultural lexicon. It’s where I first heard the terms Adulting and Humaning, life verbs I’ve since really come to appreciate and use in my work with clients.

So what exactly do these terms mean?

Adulting, according to Urban Dictionary, is:

Adulting (v): to do grown up things and hold responsibilities such as, a 9-5 job, a mortgage/rent, a car payment, or anything else that makes one think of grown ups.

Adulting then, in my opinion, is the verb for navigating All The Things most of us inherit in our Western society once we join the work-a-day world that can often feel small but challenging when they’re stacked up. Paying the bills and chipping away at retirement. Keeping the house stocked in toilet paper. Remembering trash and recycling day, finding the time and energy to nurture your relationship with your honey, your friends, your folks, your co-workers, all the while juggling your job, tolerating the commute, scheduling doctor and dentist appointments, etc.

Adulting is a wonderful verb for capturing the external, logistical, daily parts of our adult lives.

Humaning, on the other hand, while it gets tossed around on Buzzfeed, blogs, and social media often, doesn’t exactly have an official or unofficial definition yet.

Urban Dictionary doesn’t yet have an entry, and while Merriam-Webster only lists “Human” versus “Humaning”, one part of their “Human” definition feels appropriate and interesting to me.

Human: a : having human form or attributes b : susceptible to or representative of the sympathies and frailties of human nature.

“Susceptible to or representative of the sympathies and frailties of human nature.” Yes.

RESEARCH EVIDENCE

Peer-reviewed findings that inform this clinical framework:

• PTSD associated with relationship functioning ρ = .38 (PMID: 30205286)
• Partners of PTSD individuals relationship functioning r = .24 (PMID: 30205286)
• Total demand/withdraw × coded negative behavior r = 0.17 (p < 0.01) (PMID: 36529114)
• T1 PTSD total symptoms × T1 dysfunctional communication r = 0.31 (p < 0.01) (PMID: 28270333)
• Perceived partner responsiveness predicts PTSD recovery b = −0.30 (p < .001) (PMID: 38836379)

What are the frailties of human nature that make humaning so consistently hard?

DEFINITION HUMANING

As a clinical concept, “humaning” refers to the essential and inescapable experience of existing as a human being — with all its attendant vulnerability, impermanence, relational complexity, and need for meaning. Unlike “adulting” (managing the practical logistics of adult life), humaning encompasses the emotional, existential, and relational dimensions of being alive that no productivity system can optimize. Judith Herman, MD, psychiatrist and trauma researcher and author of Trauma and Recovery, frames this kind of fundamental human vulnerability as the ground from which both psychological suffering and genuine healing emerge.

In plain terms: Adulting is the logistics — paying your bills, managing your calendar, meeting your deadlines. Humaning is everything else: the grief, the longing, the love, the fear, the need for connection, the experience of loss. You can be excellent at adulting and still find humaning extraordinarily difficult. And that difficulty isn’t a deficiency — it’s the territory.

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I’m reminded of what famed psychotherapist Irvin Yalom, MD in his book Existential Psychotherapy said were the four ultimate concerns of a human life, the existential givens of our existence:

1. Death. Death is inevitable for we are all mortal and this inherently causes some anxiety for all of us.
2. Freedom and Responsibility. We have freedom in our lives and are responsible for our choices and actions. And coming up against this can cause anxiety.
3. Isolation. We are longing to be connected. And yet we are ultimately fundamentally separate and isolated from one another. And this can cause anxiety.
4. Meaninglessness. It is ultimately our responsibility to construct the meaning of our lives given life is inherently meaningless. And facing this can cause anxiety.

Humaning then, in my opinion, can be used to describe what happens when we experience the frailties of human nature in our daily lives: Death, sickness, grief, loss, aging, isolation, longing, despair, meaninglessness, etc. It can also include all the beauty and wonder of our human experience, too: Love, connection, empathy, friendship, purpose, and so much more.

Humaning is a perfect verb for capturing the paradoxical challenge and joy of life as a human.

Why isn’t adulting and humaning supposed to be easy, and what does that mean for you?

In fact, much of the time they aren’t. And yet so many of us believe we’re the only ones who are having a challenging time with it all. That sense of shame and isolation that comes from thinking, “I’m the only this is hard for!” is often incredibly painful.

So what follows is some encouragement if you’ve felt challenged by all the Adulting and Humaning your life demands. Come back to it any time you’re feeling alone in the whole being overwhelmed with Life thing. You’re not the only one. Trust me.

What do you do when adulting and humaning both feel impossible?

• When you have to show up to a job you don’t always like every day. While still not knowing what you want to be when you grow up. And you’re feeling lost and confused, just remember…

• When you’re feeling the heartbreak and loss that comes with the end of a relationship (even if it’s your choice). And it hurts so very much, just remember…

• When you’re not being paid what you’re worth or what you need to make headway on your financial goals. And you feel frustrated, overwhelmed and stuck, just remember…

• When you’re watching a loved one suffer illness or pain – mental or physical. And you feel helpless and sad, just remember…

• When you’re feeling the limitations of your body age and some of your life path options close with time. And you’re angry and sad, just remember…

• When you’re feeling like your greatest accomplishment some days/weeks/months/years is simply getting out of bed. Brushing your teeth and putting one foot in front of the other. And yet are judging yourself for not being further along or more accomplished, just remember…

• When you’re feeling panicked about your ticking biological clock, anxious about meeting a life partner. And yet feel utterly over and exhausted with the online dating scene, just remember…

• When you’re up all night with an anxious mind and you didn’t get enough sleep. And yet have to show up for work and be on your A game, just remember…

• When your family is in conflict and there’s nothing you can do to ease the fractures and friction. And you feel frustrated and helpless, just remember…

• When you’ve run out of laundry detergent (not to mention clean clothes for work). Forgot to send your brother a card for his birthday. Discovered that your car has a flat. Have been told that your rent is going up $100/month. And you just saw on Facebook that your ex is engaged, just remember….

• When you realize that despite your $100K of student loans you don’t actually want to be a lawyer. And you’re feeling stuck, panicky, and overwhelmed, just remember…

• When it feels like you’re the last of your college girlfriends to get engaged/get married/have a baby/buy a house. And you feel sad and very alone, just remember…

• When you’re struggling with chronic health challenges (mental or physical) that make even basic tasks often feel insurmountable, just remember…

• When the promotion you’ve been working towards for ages suddenly goes to a newly minted MBA hire. And you feel unseen and overlooked and desperate to work somewhere else, just remember…

• When you’re feeling the rollercoaster of anxiety and excitement, joy and worry that comes from dating someone new, just remember…

• When you’re having a hard time and are feeling lonely in the evening. Struggling with emotional eating to cope with it, just remember…

• When on a visit back to your parents you see how much more limited their physical mobility has become. And you begin to realize – really realize – they won’t be alive forever, just remember…

• When you look around you and imagine everyone else has their sh*t together. And you tell yourself you’re the only one who doesn’t, just remember…

So what should you actually do when being human and adult both feel like too much?

The thing is, there isn’t actually anything to do about any of this. Yes, of course, there are actions and choices and movement against many of the examples I listed. They could help you tend to what need tending. But the goal isn’t to make these hard feelings or situations go away.

In those moments where adulting isn’t easy and humaning feels hard — Millennial catchphrases, I think, for aptly describing the complexity of the adult human experience — life is happening. Our goal then is to show up for life as best we can. Create space and acceptance for what’s actually going on in our lives. And to reach out for support if you need help with any part of this.

We’re all in this together. And most of us find these things we call Adulting and Humaning challenging a lot of the time. It isn’t always easy to show up and be an adult engaged with your own life and with your mysterious human experience. But it’s not always hard, either. It’s both/and, a paradox, it’s utterly complex being a human.

Both/And: You Can Struggle AND Be Enough

Here’s the Both/And I want to hold with you: adulthood is genuinely hard AND you are genuinely capable of navigating it. Those things don’t cancel each other out. The hardness isn’t evidence of inadequacy. The capability doesn’t mean you should be handling this alone.

Vivian is a 36-year-old product director at a mid-size fintech company. From the outside, she has everything managed — the career, the apartment, the impeccably curated life on paper. But she comes to sessions describing a constant low-grade sense of not-quite-right: like she’s playing a character in her own life and waiting to be found out. Not imposter syndrome exactly — more like a chronic background hum of “this isn’t how it’s supposed to feel.”

What she’s describing is the gap between the adult she presents and the parts of herself she hasn’t yet learned to carry with grace — the scared parts, the needy parts, the parts that don’t know how to ask for help because help was never reliably there. Growing into adulthood doesn’t mean those parts disappear. It means learning to include them rather than manage them away.

The Both/And is this: you are absolutely capable of the life you’ve built AND some of the ways you learned to function are costing you more than they should. Both things are true. Neither invalidates the other. And the second one has a solution that doesn’t require you to become a different person — only to become more fully yourself.

Rachel is a 41-year-old therapist — yes, therapists struggle too — who came to coaching after realizing that the very skills that made her excellent with clients were creating a kind of professional performance that left no room for her own humanity. Every time she tried to simply exist in the world — to have a bad day, to be uncertain, to need something — it felt like a betrayal of the person she was supposed to be. She told me, “I help people with this. I shouldn’t be the one who needs help with this.” That’s the adulting trap in its sharpest form: the belief that competence means you should be past needing anything.

The Systemic Lens: References

• Arnett, J. J. (2000). Emerging adulthood: A theory of development from the late teens through the twenties. American Psychologist.
• Schore, A. N. (2001). The effects of early relational trauma on right brain development, affect regulation, and infant mental health. Infant Mental Health Journal.
• Yalom, I. D. (1980). Existential Psychotherapy. Basic Books.
• Becker, E. (1973). The Denial of Death. Free Press.
• van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.

If what you’ve read here resonates, I want you to know that individual therapy and executive coaching are available for driven women ready to do this work. You can also explore my self-paced recovery courses or schedule a complimentary consultation to find the right fit. (PMID: 9384857)

The Path Forward: Getting Real Support When Adulting Is Hard and Humaning Is Harder

In my work with clients, I’ve come to believe that one of the cruelest things our culture does is make struggling feel like a personal failure rather than a universal human experience. The adulting-is-hard meme is funny until it isn’t — until you’re sitting in your car before work trying to remember why any of this matters, or until a minor inconvenience sends you into a spiral that seems disproportionate but actually isn’t, because it’s the straw on a very heavily loaded back. If you’re in that place, I want you to hear this clearly: you’re not failing at being a person. You’re a person, and being one is genuinely, legitimately hard.

What I see in my practice is that the women who are most acutely suffering under the weight of adult life are often the ones who’ve never had a proper model of how to ask for or receive support. They grew up in households where you figured things out yourself, or where need was treated as burden, or where there simply wasn’t enough emotional bandwidth to go around. They learned to cope with remarkable self-sufficiency. And now, in adulthood, they’re applying that same self-sufficiency to a level of complexity that genuinely exceeds what any one person should manage alone — and they’re doing it while telling themselves they should need less help, not more.

One approach that I find particularly powerful for people who’ve internalized the message that needing support is weakness is Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. IFS helps you identify the parts of you that enforce self-sufficiency — the inner critic, the manager that says “you should be able to handle this” — and get curious about them rather than just obeying them. Many of my clients find that those parts developed very early, in response to environments where being needy genuinely wasn’t safe. Understanding that context doesn’t excuse the inner criticism, but it does change your relationship to it considerably.

Attachment-focused therapy is another modality worth considering, especially if your difficulty with receiving support has a relational history. If your earliest caregivers were unreliable, emotionally absent, or inconsistent in their availability, your nervous system likely learned to expect that reaching out would either not work or would cost something. Attachment-focused therapy creates a corrective experience within the therapeutic relationship — a consistent, attuned presence that, over time, updates the belief that need isn’t welcome.

On the most practical level: the first step is usually the most important one, and it doesn’t have to be big. If formal therapy feels like too much right now, start with one honest conversation with one person you trust. Let something be true out loud that you’ve been carrying in silence. The act of being witnessed — of saying “I’m not doing great” and having someone not flinch — is genuinely regulatory for the nervous system in ways that the same admission in your own journal isn’t. You’re a relational creature. You weren’t designed to process everything alone.

For driven women who hold a lot together professionally and personally, the gap between how capable they appear and how depleted they actually feel can become a source of profound loneliness. Nobody sees the whole picture. Nobody knows the real cost. Part of adulting in a more sustainable way is closing that gap — letting more people see more of what’s actually true, and discovering that they don’t leave when they do. If you’re not sure where to start, you might explore a short self-assessment that can help you get a clearer sense of where you are and what kind of support might match this season of your life.

Adulting is hard. Humaning is hard. And you don’t have to do it with superhuman levels of self-sufficiency to prove something. You’re allowed to get help, to ask for it, to reach for it before you’re in crisis. Working with a therapist isn’t admitting defeat — it’s deciding that your interior life matters as much as your exterior performance. That’s not weakness. That’s maybe the most adult decision of all.

In my clinical work, I’ve noticed that the women who find adulting most difficult are often the ones who were parentified early — who were required to be competent, responsible, and self-sufficient long before they were developmentally ready. They arrived at actual adulthood already exhausted from practicing it, already fluent in the language of “I’m fine,” already trained to minimize their own needs in favor of everyone else’s. For them, adulting doesn’t feel new. It feels like an extension of a role they never chose and can’t quite put down.

If that resonates — if “being a grown-up” has felt like performing competence rather than inhabiting it — individual therapy offers a space to unlearn that performance and begin building an adult self that’s genuinely yours, not a survival adaptation you’ve been mistaking for a personality. You can also explore how childhood trauma adaptations shape adult patterns — it may name something you’ve been living with for years. And Fixing the Foundations is available whenever you’re ready to do that foundational work at your own pace.

About the Author

Annie Wright, LMFT

LMFT #95719  ·  Relational Trauma Specialist  ·  W.W. Norton Author

Helping ambitious women finally feel as good as their résumé looks.

As a licensed psychotherapist (LMFT #95719), trauma-informed executive coach, and relational trauma specialist with over 15,000 clinical hours, she guides ambitious women — including Silicon Valley leaders, physicians, and entrepreneurs — in repairing the psychological foundations beneath their impressive lives. Annie is the founder and former CEO of Evergreen Counseling, a multimillion-dollar trauma-informed therapy center she built, scaled, and successfully exited. A regular contributor to Psychology Today, her expert commentary has appeared in Forbes, Business Insider, Inc., NBC, and The Information. She is currently writing her first book with W.W. Norton.

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Medical Disclaimer

Medical Disclaimer