Do either or both of these beliefs feel familiar? Would you say that maybe – just maybe – they sometimes keep you feeling confused, stuck, or unsatisfied in your romantic relationship?
If so, today’s blog post is for you.
With Valentine’s Day a mere week away, this post is dedicated to challenging two of the most widely held cultural introjects many of us seem to have about romantic love – the myth of the perfect partner and the myth that love should be easy – and instead offer up some alternative ideas that may bring you some ease and help deepen the experience of love in your life.
So keep reading and let’s turn these beliefs inside out in the week leading up to Valentine’s Day…
The Myth of The Perfect Partner.
Let me begin by saying what I’m sure you already know: There is no such thing as a Perfect Partner. In my personal and professional opinion, the concept of a Perfect Partner is a myth, a fantasy sold to us and fervently fed through most songs, paperback romance novels, compulsive Tinder swiping, and certainly most all Disney movies ever.
It’s a cultural introject – a widely held social belief – that most American Millennials have, in particular, swallowed whole causing us to consciously or unconsciously still hold out for The Perfect Partner.
The Myth of The Perfect Partner often causes us to have unrealistic expectations of others. (And often of ourselves, too.) It can lead to a great deal of emotional pain in and out of relationships.
“So what’s the alternative?”, you might be asking, “Give up the idea of a Perfect Partner and settle?!”
No, not exactly.
I’m not advocating that anyone fundamentally settle, but I am advocating for an expectation reframe around the idea of The Good Enough Partner versus The Perfect Partner.
What’s a Good Enough Partner?
The Good Enough Partner is an idea I’ve been toying with. It’s derived from the concept of the “Good Enough Parent,” an idea coined and made famous by pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, MD.
Essentially, Winnicott’s idea of a Good Enough Parent was one in which the parent had sound nurturing instincts, devotion to the child, and ultimately inevitably screwed up and “failed” as parents in a way that allowed their kids to experience disillusionment with them and the world in ways that felt manageable and tolerable.
In other words, a Good Enough Parent helped their kids learn how to cope and face an imperfect world. Including themselves as imperfect parents. A key developmental task that children must face in their development and emotional growth towards adulthood.
(Caveat: Screwing up and “failing” as parents does not include egregious harm like physical, verbal, or emotional abuses. It means, perhaps, having to miss your kid’s soccer game because of an unavoidable board meeting. Big difference.)
