RELATIONSHIPS

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A Care Package for Your Relationship.

EMOTIONAL REGULATION & NERVOUS SYSTEM • September 20, 2015

“For one human being to love another, that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks… the work for which all other work is but preparation.”
– Rilke

SUMMARY

Definition: Relational Repair

Relationships are hard.

Not occasionally hard — structurally hard. They require enormous investments of time, energy, a willingness to compromise, and a willingness to be genuinely influenced by another person on a regular basis.

Combine this with whatever unique triggers, differences, trauma, preferences, needs and wants that any two people will inevitably experience over time together, and then throw in the stressors of life such as commutes, work, finances, loss, illness and more, relationships can hold the potential for maddening frustration, disappointment, grief, and soul-trying challenge.

Do either or both of these beliefs feel familiar? Would you say that maybe – just maybe – they sometimes keep you feeling confused, stuck, or unsatisfied in your romantic relationship?

If so, today’s blog post is for you.

And, while I don’t believe that relationships complete us per say, they do indeed help us to grow, heal, and become more fully who we were meant to be.

Relationships give immense meaning and anchoring to our fragile human lives.

Quite a paradox isn’t it?

Relationships can be our source of greatest frustration, pain, and challenge, but also our greatest source of growth, joy, and healing.

And, while no two relationships will ever look the same — the universe constellated between two people will always have a unique topography, a wholly original landscape, language, spoken and unspoken contract between the pairing — I do believe there are some fundamental principles and tools which can support most people in navigating the paradox of pain and joy in relationships.

So in today’s blog post, I want to offer these principles and tools up for you in the form a veritable Care Package for your relationship.

And while I frame this article from the lens of romantic relationships, I believe the principles can apply to any kind of relationship: friend, sibling, parent, coworker, etc.

So read on…

Rupture is inevitable; It’s the repair that counts.

Have you ever noticed that when you have incredibly high expectations you’re inevitably disappointed?

I certainly have.

That’s why I think it’s critical for anyone in a relationship to have reasonable expectations and deeply understand that:

“No matter how much you love each other, no matter how long you’ve been together, no matter how skillfully you try to communicate, rupture in relationship is inevitable; it’s the repair that counts.”

Rupture — or, in other words, conflict, disagreement or misses — is absolutely bound to happen in relationship.

Most likely every day. By understanding this, we can possibly have more realistic expectations about the challenges of being in a relationship. And avoid making up stories like “we’re not meant to be together!” when conflict occurs.

It’s going to happen. Period.

And I do have some recommendations about how to fight well when rupture occurs. But it’s the repair — the coming back together after conflict that really counts.

So, in order to recalibrate your expectations, let me repeat: In relationship, rupture is inevitable; it’s the repair that counts.

Fight well.

Conflict in relationship is inevitable. It’s helpful (if not critical) for partners to learn the skill of how to fight well with each other.

Fighting well can look like those Classroom Rules posters you (like I) might have seen in elementary school.

• Listen.
• Be kind.
• Respect each other.
• Use “I” statements.
• Share how you feel.

All of this sounds wonderful and ideal, but what happens when you or your partner are emotionally flooding or your fight/flight/or freeze impulse is triggered to the point where the above feels impossible?

Try this:

Take structured time outs.

I talked about this at length in point #3 of an earlier blog post, but to recap, when one or both of you are flooding, initiating a structured time out can be an excellent way to help your nervous system calm down.

A structured time out can be initiated by one or both partners, and there is a clear agreement around the duration of the time out as well as who will initiate the end of the timeout/continuation of the discussion.

Explore alternative ways to move through a fight.

I’ve had couples in my therapy practice who cannot discuss challenging topics face-to-face/eye-to-eye with one another. For many reasons, it’s just too triggering.

For these couples, I recommend alternative forms of communicating such as texting, or walking side by side and talking versus looking right at each other, or talking on the phone but in separate rooms.

Get creative about how you can create greater safety and reduce triggering in fights so you can aim for kinder, more effective communication with one another.

Process skillfully.

After the fight ends or even during a fight when you’re both feeling more regulated, skillfully processing the rupture that occurred can help both individuals feel seen, heard, acknowledged and attuned to.

Doing this has the potential to help bring you both closer together, re-establish your connection, and help you move forward in your relationship.

I’ve written about this at length in earlier posts, so I’ll link the steps to skillful process for continued reading:

• Frame the conversation for success.
• Communicate assertively.
• Reflect, validate, and empathize with the other.
• Create solutions together. Using the rupture as an opportunity for both of you to co-create solutions that feel good to each of you around the rupture that just happened is an incredible opportunity to get closer and build and hone and improve the topography of your relational universe together.

Build up your relational bank account.

While rupture is inevitable, I also believe that when we have a strong, robust, and resilient emotional bank account in our relationships, we can better weather the challenges of rupture.

What do I mean by an emotional bank account? I like this definition from Stephen Covey, Ph.D. in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families:

Like with a real bank account, in relationships we’re constantly making deposits and withdrawals on our “account.”

Since “withdrawals” are inevitable (aka ruptures), ensuring we have a good-enough balance in the account helps buoy us and our relationships over the course of time.

So how do we build up our emotional bank account with another?

Practice understanding each other.

Taking the time and emotional and mental energy to understand your partner, their likes, dislikes, triggers, fears, hopes and dreams, can greatly increase the level of emotional intimacy between the two of you.

Drs. John and Julie Gottman – renowned couples therapists and researchers – have created a process called Building Your Love Maps which does just this.

The Upward Spiral Gratitude Practice.

In nearly all of my couples counseling sessions, I lead partners through The Upward Spiral Gratitude Practice.

This is a simple (but not easy) exercise of two people taking turns thanking one another for something their partner did that day and how it made them feel when they did it. Example:

Don: “Thank you for making me dinner tonight (and every night this week!) because it made me feel taken care of.”

Betty: “You’re welcome.”

Betty: “Thank you for being on time coming home when you said you would. It makes me feel like I can depend on you.”

Don: “You’re welcome.”

(Side note for any fellow Mad Men fans out there: As a therapist, I can only *wish* Don and Betty Draper would have gone to couples counseling!)

Pop culture fantasy examples aside, the practice of taking the time to notice what went well in the relationship that day and thanking your partner for their contributions and efforts starts to build an upward spiral or gratitude which can profoundly help build up your relational bank account.

Turning towards vs. away from when bids are made.

The Gottmans have identified another key factor in helping couples build up a relational bank account: how often people turn towards each other versus away from when bids for affection are made.

A bid is an attempt from one partner to another for some kind of attention or positive connection.

Bids can be simple (“Hey honey, what do you think of this JCrew buttondown in the catalog?”) or complex (“I really want you to come with me to visit my brother over Christmas. I know it’s not easy but it would mean a lot to me.”)

The more we turn towards each other when bids for affection are presented, the more we build up our proverbial relational bank account.

Learn about relationships.

Like I said earlier, relationships are hard.

They require work, self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and so much more.

I personally think that relationships should be an experiential and academic subject from Kindergarten onwards because let’s face it, most of us are never taught how to healthily, skillfully be in relationship.

But the good news is that it’s never too late to learn. That’s why I recommend that you:

Study it.

Literally, make the topic of relationships a self-study course.

Learn about how you show up in relationships, what kind of relationships you seem to attract, what your defaults are in times of conflict, learn your unique triggers and what your deepest fears and needs and wants are.

Study what qualities and characteristics seem to contribute to long-lasting, healthy relationships.

Pick up a book (or more!) from my recommended resources below or book a session with a skilled therapist and start your studies.

Get help.

Please seek help when you need and want it! Individual psychotherapy and couples counseling can be hugely supportive in healing and strengthening your relationship.

A good couples counselor can help you both re-establish an emotional connection and learn skills about how to navigate triggers and conflict.

Become a connoisseur.

Even if you’ve never directly experienced or witnessed great relational models, it’s not too late.

I invite my clients – both individuals and couples – to seek out relational models from afar — a friend’s parents, a Hollywood couple, neighbors down the street — who seem to model and embody the kind of relationship you want.

Seek these models and examples out, allow yourself to be inspired, and to get curious about what you can create for yourself in your own relationship.

Stephen Porges, PhD, the developmental psychophysiologist who developed Polyvagal Theory, describes neuroception as the way the autonomic nervous system continuously evaluates safety beneath conscious awareness. For driven, ambitious women raised in environments where attunement was inconsistent, that internal safety detector tends to run on a hair-trigger setting. The room may be objectively calm, but the nervous system isn’t. Healing isn’t about overriding that signal — it’s about slowly teaching the body that the rules of the present are different from the rules of the past.

Moving Forward.

We’ve covered a lot of material today but before we wrap up I want to leave you with some inquiries to help you deepen your understanding of how you relate to yourself and to others:

• What did you learn about relationships growing up? Did they feel safe, scary, dangerous to you? Which part of my intro felt most true to you? The frustration or joy piece?
• Growing up, did you have healthy models of relationship? Did you watch your parents, other family members, or maybe even your friend’s parents be able to have conflict and move through it?
• What are your expectations about relationship? What are some of your beliefs about what having a thriving relationship will be/give/do for you? Are these expectations reasonable?
• What do you imagine is a growth edge for you in relationship? What do you know you do well in relationship?

Now I’d love to hear from you:

As always, I’d love to hear from you. Leave a message in the comments below and I’ll be sure to respond.

The version of you that keeps showing up — even when it’s hard, even when repair feels impossible — that’s not a small thing. That’s the whole thing.

Warmly,

Annie

Resource Recommendations:

• Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson, Ph.D.*
• Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment by Amir Levine, MD and Rachel Heller, MA.*
• How To Be An Adult in Relationships by David Richo, Ph.D.*

(PMID: 27273169)

Frequently Asked Questions

This is part of our comprehensive guide on this topic. For the full picture, read: Attachment Styles: A Complete Guide.

You deserve a life that feels as good as it looks. Let’s work on that together.

References

• Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown and Company.
• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Three Rivers Press.
• Gottman, J. M. (1994). What Predicts Divorce? The Relationship Between Marital Processes and Marital Outcomes. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
• Covey, S. R. (1997). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. Simon & Schuster.
• Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2015). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W. W. Norton & Company.
• Algoe, S. B., & Haidt, J. (2009). Witnessing excellence in action: The ‘other-praising’ emotions of elevation, gratitude, and admiration. The Journal of Positive Psychology.
• Gottman, J. M. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Three Rivers Press.
• Johnson, S. M. (2004). The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection. Brunner-Routledge.
• Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce: Predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14-year period. Journal of Marriage and Family.

The Nervous System as the Foundation of Relationship

Most relationship advice focuses on communication — on what you say, when you say it, how you repair after conflict. And communication matters. But what I’ve found in my work with driven couples is that the conversation almost always has a biological substrate. Before you can communicate well, your nervous system has to feel safe enough to communicate at all.

This is not metaphor. When the autonomic nervous system detects threat — whether from an actual danger or from the relational cues it learned to read as dangerous in childhood — it shifts out of the social engagement system and into protective states. Fight shows up as criticism, contempt, or escalation. Flight shows up as stonewalling, avoidance, or the habitual excuse of “I’m fine.” Freeze shows up as the blank stare, the inability to access words when you most need them.

Couples who understand nervous system dynamics stop asking “why does she always do this?” and start asking “what is her system responding to?” That shift — from character judgment to nervous system literacy — changes everything. It doesn’t excuse behavior. But it explains it in ways that open the door to actual repair rather than repeated cycling through the same fight.

Meera is a 44-year-old cardiologist at a large hospital system. From the outside, her marriage of sixteen years looks stable from every external vantage point. But she and her husband have had the same argument, in different forms, for nine years. Last week, they sat across from each other at dinner and she realized she had no idea what he’d said in the last five minutes because her nervous system had gone somewhere else entirely. She told me, “We’re not bad people. We just don’t know how to find each other anymore. And I’m terrified we’ve stopped trying.” What Meera and her husband are experiencing isn’t a communication failure — it’s a nervous system failure. Two people whose arousal systems have learned to disconnect rather than co-regulate, each retreating to a familiar defensive position when the other represents anything that feels like threat. Repair is possible. But it requires addressing the biology, not just the words.

Both/And: You Can Love Someone and Still Need to Set Boundaries

Driven women in relationships often feel caught between two fears: the fear of being swallowed by intimacy and the fear of being alone. They want partnership but struggle to surrender the self-sufficiency that has kept them safe. In clinical work, this tension usually points backward — to an early relational environment where closeness and control, love and loss of self, were dangerously intertwined.

Samira is a management consultant who described her marriage as “wonderful on paper.” She loves her partner, trusts him, and still finds herself pulling away whenever things feel too close. “I pick fights before vacations,” she admitted. “I don’t know why.” In therapy, we traced the pattern to its origin: a childhood where emotional closeness was always followed by unpredictability. Her nervous system learned that intimacy precedes danger, and twenty years of safe relationship haven’t fully overwritten that early code.

Both/And means Samira can love her partner deeply and still feel the pull to withdraw. She can want connection and need space without those being contradictory. She can be working on her attachment patterns and still have moments where the old wiring activates. The goal isn’t to eliminate the tension between closeness and independence — it’s to expand her capacity to hold both without one hijacking the other.

The Systemic Lens: Why Relational Struggles Aren’t Just Between Two People

Every intimate relationship contains two people and an entire culture. The expectations you carry about who should initiate, who should sacrifice, who manages the household, who carries the emotional load — these aren’t personal preferences. They’re the residue of decades of gendered socialization, compounded by race, class, and cultural specificity. When driven women struggle in their relationships, the struggle is rarely just interpersonal. It’s structural.

Consider the mental load research pioneered by sociologist Allison Daminger. Even in partnerships that appear egalitarian, women disproportionately carry the cognitive labor of household management — anticipating needs, monitoring, planning, delegating. For driven women, this invisible workload often goes unacknowledged because they’re “so good at it.” Their competence becomes a trap: the more capably they manage, the more management accrues to them, until they’re running a household like a second job while their partner benefits from a life that appears to “run itself.”

In my clinical work, naming these systemic dynamics in couples therapy is essential. When a driven woman feels resentful, exhausted, or taken for granted in her relationship, the answer isn’t always better communication. Sometimes the answer is an honest accounting of who does what, and a reckoning with the cultural systems that made the current imbalance feel inevitable. Your relationship didn’t create these conditions. But it’s operating inside them, and pretending otherwise keeps both partners stuck.

If what you’ve read here resonates, I want you to know that individual therapy and executive coaching are available for driven women ready to do this work. You can also explore my self-paced recovery courses or schedule a complimentary consultation to find the right fit.

What the research on relationship satisfaction consistently shows is that what predicts long-term partnership health isn’t the absence of conflict — it’s the capacity for repair. John Gottman, PhD, professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Washington and co-founder of the Gottman Institute, has documented through decades of longitudinal research that successful couples argue as much as struggling ones. What distinguishes them is how quickly they return to connection after conflict — what he calls “turning toward” each other after a disruption.

That capacity for repair lives, neurologically, in the social engagement system — the ventral vagal branch of the autonomic nervous system. And that system is more accessible when both partners feel fundamentally safe: safe in the relationship, safe with their own nervous systems, and safe in their sense of self. If one or both partners carries significant relational trauma — the kind that taught them that closeness is dangerous, that need is shameful, that conflict ends in abandonment — the window of tolerance for intimacy is narrowed. Repair becomes harder. Disconnection feels safer than it should.

If this resonates — if you and your partner are locked in cycles you can’t seem to break — individual therapy is often the first step, not couples therapy. Understanding your own relational template before trying to navigate someone else’s is the kind of foundation that makes everything else possible. You can also explore Fixing the Foundations as a place to start that internal excavation at your own pace.

One of the most important things I tell clients in early sessions is this: the patterns we’re going to look at together aren’t character flaws. They’re the residue of strategies that once kept you safe. The over-functioning, the difficulty resting, the way you find yourself absorbing other people’s moods before you’ve registered your own — every one of these adaptations made sense in the original environment that shaped them. The work isn’t to shame the strategy. It’s to update the system that keeps generating it.

The cultural water that ambitious women swim in deserves naming explicitly. Joan C. Williams, JD, distinguished professor at UC Hastings College of Law, has documented extensively how women in high-status professions face what she calls the “double bind” — judged harshly when they’re warm (read as not competent enough) and judged harshly when they’re competent (read as not warm enough). Add a relational trauma history to that bind, and the inner monitoring becomes nearly continuous. Healing has to include a clear-eyed look at how much of the exhaustion isn’t yours alone — it’s a load you’ve been carrying for systems that were never designed to hold you.

Medical Disclaimer