PERSONAL GROWTH
What are the tools in your emotional first aid kit?
Standard self-care routines are great — until life gets heavy enough that they stop working. This post is about building the specific, personal set of interventions that actually support you when things are genuinely hard.
There are stretches of time when the usual routines just don’t touch it.
SUMMARY
Definition: Emotional Regulation
From the emotional impact of world events like Charleston, to the big and small life stressors of the everyday, I (and most of the people I know) seem to have had it particularly rough these past few weeks.
It was – except for bright spots like the SCOTUS ruling on marriage equity – #lovewins ! – a stretch of time where tons of stressors seemed to converge all at once and none of my own daily self-care routines felt sufficient to support me through the challenges of those days and weeks.
So that’s when I turned to my emotional first aid kit.
What’s an emotional first aid kit?
SELF-CARE
Self-care is the intentional practice of attending to one’s own physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual needs as an essential foundation for well-being. True self-care goes far beyond surface-level indulgences; it includes setting boundaries, processing emotions, maintaining meaningful connections, and building a life that does not constantly require recovery from itself.
Definition
Emotional First Aid: Emotional first aid refers to the practical, in-the-moment tools — grounding techniques, self-soothing practices, and co-regulation strategies — that help stabilize the nervous system during acute distress. Like physical first aid, these tools do not replace deeper healing, but they are essential for navigating difficult moments.
It’s a set of practices, behaviors, and creative interventions I’ve cultivated over the years that helps me support my body, mind, heart, and soul when times are particularly tough and I need to ramp up my self-care big time.
All of the tools in my emotional first aid kit are unique (read: quirky) and super, almost inexplicably effective for me.
It’s taken me time to identify these tools and behaviors, to accept that they look different from what’s usually prescribed in women’s magazines (i.e.: yoga, meditation, green juice), and it’s definitely taken even more time to learn when I need to employ them (the most).
But having this set of strategies that I can now lean on when times are particularly tough is a big part of my own ongoing self-care. It’s something I feel passionate about sharing and helping my clients to develop, too.
So today I want to lead you through some inquiries to help you identify what might make it into your emotional first aid kit for those times when life just feels overwhelming.
Emotional First-Aid Kit 101: What It Is and Isn’t:
“Out of your vulnerabilities will come your strength.”
SIGMUND FREUD
Just to recap, an emotional first aid kit is totally proverbial (no actual toolboxes required!).
It’s a set of unique practices, behaviors, and creative interventions designed to comfort, support, and bring relief to your body, mind, heart, and soul in particularly challenging times.
These are some tools you can pull out when it seems like everything’s going wrong. And when your standard self-care routines just aren’t cutting it for you anymore.
An emotional first aid kit is an ongoing practice of self-awareness and self-care. It is supporting you in recognizing what you need. And getting curious and creative about how you can meet your needs through life’s many ups and downs.
For the purposes of today’s exercise, I’m going to walk you through the four areas for which we want to develop tools and invite you to identify 2-3 creative interventions for each area.
This will be the foundation of your own ever-evolving emotional first aid kit.
Body: Feel, Nourish, and Soothe.
When life’s tough times hit, we want to have some tools in our toolbox. Tools we can use to help feel, nourish, and soothe our body.
Now, this doesn’t necessarily mean things like exercising for 20 minutes. Or drinking a daily green smoothie. (Though if that sounds like just what you need in tough times, rock on.)
Instead, what I want you to start identifying are activities or practices you know that would help you get into your body and engage your five senses – smell, taste, touch, sight, and hearing. In a way that feels appropriate and helpful for you and you alone.
For examples, one of my emotional first aid body go-to’s when my schedule’s overly full and I’m feeling overwhelmed by life and professional commitments is hopping on my bike and riding it along the Bay while blaring Florence + The Machine’s Shake it Out on repeat through my earbuds.
And while I absolutely love yoga and getting on my mat regularly, when I’m feeling particularly overwhelmed is the feeling of freedom that comes from riding my bike long and hard.
That combined with the smell of the sea and the repeated reminder from Florence to shake my stress off does wonders for me.
I don’t know what your body-based tools will be, but here are some inquiries to help you brainstorm:
A Reason to Keep Going
25 pages of what I actually say to clients when they are in the dark. Somatic tools, cognitive anchors, and 40 grounded, honest reasons to stay. No platitudes.
- What’s the sort of stress you’re experiencing? Do you feel trapped or too uncontained? What’s a physical activity that can support giving you more space (if feeling trapped) or containment (if you’re feeling uncontained)?
- What did your 8-year old self most love to do with her body?
- What does your body crave when you’re stressed? Touch? Childhood comfort food? Stretches? Connection with the earth? Space?
- Can you combine a few activities into one to engage several senses of your body at once? (Eg: Music and movement?)
Mind: Still, Center, Focus.
When stress hits, it’s not unusual for our minds to feel frazzled, chaotic, and near-impossible to shut off.
That’s why it’s important to have one or two practices or behaviors in your back pocket to help still, center, and focus your mind.
And I don’t know about you, but sometimes when I’m really having a tough time, 20 minutes of meditation just isn’t really an option for me.
Instead, what I’ve found to be particularly helpful is listening to the chanting of Deva Premal and The Gyuto Monks of Tibet and tidying up my kitchen.
For whatever reason, the combination of this music and the act of tidying something a little messy brings so much stillness and calm to my mind when I’m frazzled and just can’t still myself for 20 minutes of meditation.
Now it’s your turn:
- What creative, alternative actions and behaviors might help you to still, center, and focus your mind?
- Is there a task you do with your hands that seems to calm your mind? Does noticing your breath feel helpful to you?
- Are there certain sounds that soothe your mind? Can you Google or Spotify those sounds up and create a playlist for yourself?
- If your minds feels frazzled, what action can you take that’s soothing? If your mind (and life) feels untidy or unruly? How can you do something to help bring order to your mind?
Heart: Notice, Express, Feel.
When life feels overwhelming and you’re having a hard time, it’s critical to have some tools in your emotional first aid kit to support you in noticing, expressing, and honoring your feelings.
Like I’ve mentioned before, appropriately feeling and expressing our feelings is foundational to good mental health and to living a more enlivened, enriched life.
And so, when I’m having a hard time, my go-to tool to support my heart is relying on my Big Five – my go-to beloved friends, family members, and mentors, people who I feel totally safe and supported in being honest and vulnerable with.
For me, no heart-supporting tool is more effective than sharing what’s going on with someone who loves me.
But what about you?
- Who in your life could you safely share your feelings with? A friend? A family member? Your therapist? (Yes, a therapist can be a tool in your emotional first aid kit!)
- What helps you get in touch with your feelings? If you need some tips, check out this blog post I wrote.
- Is there someone you need to express something difficult too? If you need some support around this, check out these tips.
- What else do you know helps your heart when you’re going through tough times?
Soul: Connect, Ground, Trust.
Last, but not least, I believe that designing tools that nourish and support our soul is an incredibly important part of any emotional first aid kit.
Define the soul however you want – spirit, essence, psyche, etc. – I personally believe that our soul is the unchangeable, indestructible part of us that breathes and lives us, the part of us that always was and always will be and that we often forget to consciously tend to in the minutiae of our everyday human lives.
For me, I know that consciously feeding my soul helps me better weather whatever it is I’m going through.
And one of the (quirky) tools that I have in my emotional first aid kit for this is the combination of listening to Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes’ audiobooks and drinking hot chocolate.
For whatever reason, the combination of Jungian mythos (did you know that stories speak straight to the soul?) and liquid chocolate (I don’t think this needs an explanation) is a soul-strengthener for me of the highest order.
Even more effective if it’s outside watching the ocean or the sunset.
So let’s see what might help you.
- When is it that you feel the stirrings of your soul? What place, activity, sound, or action helps you feel this part of you?
- Does nature feed you? What places help you connect to your soul the strongest?
- Do you have a spiritual community or faith group that you can lean on? What people serve as guides and mentors in your life that help nourish your soul?
- What high-quality inspirational or instructional content can you read or listen to that can guide you in connecting to your soul?
Guilt after ending a friendship is common, especially for empathetic people. It often stems from a sense of responsibility for the other person’s feelings, a fear of being perceived as unkind, or internalized messages about loyalty. It’s important to recognize that prioritizing your well-being isn’t selfish, and that some relationships, even if once meaningful, can become harmful.
There’s no set timeline for grieving the end of a friendship. The duration depends on the depth of the relationship, the circumstances of its ending, and your individual healing process. Allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions without judgment, and seek support if needed. Healing is not linear, and it’s okay to have good days and difficult days.
Healthy processing involves allowing yourself to feel the emotions without suppression, journaling to explore your thoughts and feelings, and talking to a trusted friend or therapist. Engaging in self-care practices and activities that bring you joy can also help. Avoid the urge to immediately replace the friendship or to dwell excessively on what went wrong.
Distinguishing between a temporary rough patch and a fundamental incompatibility requires honest reflection. Consider whether the core values and mutual respect are still present, whether the difficulties are recurring patterns, and whether both parties are willing to invest in repair. If the relationship consistently drains you or involves repeated harm, it may be time to consider its future.
