What is The Window of Tolerance and why is it so important?

Emotional Regulation & Nervous System • January 23, 2022

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• high energy
• anger
• panic
• irritability
• anxiety
• hypervigilance
• overwhelm
• chaos
• fight or flight instincts
• and startle response (to name but a few characteristics).

Hypoarousal is, by contrast, an emotional state characterized by:

• shutting down
• numbness
• depressiveness
• withdrawal
• shame
• flat affect
• and disconnection (to name but a few characteristics).

(Side note: Visually, I like to imagine the Window of Tolerance as a river. The water flowing through the middle is the Window of Tolerance. But the bank to the left is hyperarousal and the bank to the right is hyperarousal. The goal is to stay in the flow of the water and avoid crashing into the banks on either side.)

Circling back to the vignette at the top of this essay.

My toddler, upon learning that she couldn’t have her beloved frozen waffles for breakfast this morning, was faced with a stressor so big that it pushed her into hyperarousal. She was so upset that she had to literally run away from me to discharge the energy in her body. She expressed her anger and overwhelm by beating the hallway floor with her fists and feet.

She had crashed into a proverbial riverbank and was no longer in the flow of the river.

I’ll share more about how I brought her back into her Window of Tolerance after this epic disappointment later in the essay, but, for now, let’s talk about why the Window of Tolerance is so important.

Why is the Window of Tolerance so important?

Put plainly, existing within the Window of Tolerance is what allows us to move functionally and relationally through the world.

When we’re within our Window of Tolerance, we have access to our prefrontal cortex and our executive functioning skills (for instance: organizing, planning, and prioritizing complex tasks; starting actions and projects and staying focused on them to completion; regulating emotions and practicing self-control; practicing good time management, etc.).

Having access to our prefrontal cortex and executive functions equips us to work, be in relationship, and problem solve effectively as we move through the world, despite encountering hiccups, disappointments, and challenges along the way.

When we are outside The Window of Tolerance, we lose access to our prefrontal cortex and executive functioning skills and may default to taking panicked, reckless action, or no action at all.

We may be prone to self-sabotaging behaviors.

Gravitating toward patterns and choices that erode and undermine our relationship to ourselves, others, and the world.

Clearly, then, it’s ideal to stay inside the Window of Tolerance to best support ourselves in living the most functional, healthy life possible.

But, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that all of us – at every age from the moment we’re born to the moment we die – eclipse our Window of Tolerance and find ourselves in a non-ideal emotional regulation zone sometimes.

That’s normal and that’s natural.

So the goal here is not that we never eclipse our Window of Tolerance – I personally and professionally think that that’s unrealistic.

Rather, the goal is to increase our Window of Tolerance — to genuinely widen your window — and to grow our capacity to “rebound and be resilient” — coming back to the Window of Tolerance quickly and effectively when we find ourselves outside of it.

How do we increase our Window of Tolerance?

So how do we increase our Window of Tolerance?

First, I want to acknowledge that the Window of Tolerance is subjective.

We each have a unique and distinct window depending on multitudinous biopsychosocial variables: our personal histories and whether or not we came from childhood trauma backgrounds, our temperaments, our social supports, our physiology, etc..

Windows of Tolerance are, in so many ways, like a proverbial snowflake: no two will ever look exactly the same.

Mine may not look the same as yours and so forth.

Because of this, I want to honor and acknowledge that those who come from relational trauma histories may find that they have a narrow window of tolerance compared to their peers who come from non-trauma backgrounds.

Those of us with childhood abuse histories may, too, find that we are more frequently and easily triggered and pushed outside of the optimal emotional regulation zone into hyper- or hypoarousal.

This is normal and this is natural given what we’ve lived through.

And everyone on the planet – whether or not they come from a relational trauma history or not – will need to work and effort to support themselves staying inside the Window of Tolerance and practicing resiliency when they find themselves outside of it.

It just may mean that those with relational trauma histories may have to work harder, longer, and more deliberately at this.

So again, recognizing that our Windows of Tolerance are unique and we all need to invest effort into staying inside of it, how do we do this?