16 Things About Relational Trauma Recovery I Wish I’d Known
This essay explores 16 things about relational trauma recovery i wish i’d known with a trauma-informed lens. It names the protective patterns beneath what can look like personal failure, and offers a compassionate invitation to understand what happened, notice what is repeating, and practice a steadier way forward.
Understanding the Pattern
It was the weekend I made big, bold actions on the outer plane of my life to begin my relational trauma recovery journey on the inner plane.
If nothing was ever obviously wrong but you still came out doubting your own perception, my self-paced course Clarity After the Covert is the map for what you experienced.
So today’s essay is a list of 16 things I wish I’d known about relational trauma recovery at age 25.
It’s the essay I wish my 25-year-old self would have been able to find online to help calibrate her expectations, supply some hope, and provide a bit of a roadmap for the massive internal and external journey she was about to embark on.
I truly hope it resonates with you no matter where you find yourself on your own relational trauma recovery journey.
You’re not broken. All that’s going on for you is a constellation of symptoms related to what happened to you in the past. Your symptoms tell the story of hard things that happened to you. That’s all. You’re not broken. You’re not “crazy.” You’re responding appropriately to the crappy circumstances you lived through, even if you can’t consciously remember them all.
You’re not broken. All that’s going on for you is a constellation of symptoms related to what happened to you in the past. Your symptoms tell the story of hard things that happened to you. That’s all. You’re not broken. You’re not “crazy.” You’re responding appropriately to the crappy circumstances you lived through, even if you can’t consciously remember them all.
You DID actually experience childhood trauma. It just doesn’t look like what the media or society (at that time) says “counts” as childhood trauma. But it IS trauma. It is relational trauma. Trauma is a subjective experience, and being raised by mood- and personality-disordered parents can contribute to this. Your pain is legitimate, and the impacts of your past are profound. Don’t let yourself or others dismiss or diminish your reality.
You DID actually experience childhood trauma. It just doesn’t look like what the media or society (at that time) says “counts” as childhood trauma. But it IS trauma. It is relational trauma. Trauma is a subjective experience, and being raised by mood- and personality-disordered parents can contribute to this. Your pain is legitimate, and the impacts of your past are profound. Don’t let yourself or others dismiss or diminish your reality.
It is entirely possible to be high-functioning and still have unresolved relational trauma symptoms at play. The two things are not mutually exclusive. And sometimes, being so “high-functioning” with those Ivy League degrees and good job prospects cloaks and disguises the very real need to seek out high-quality mental healthcare. Don’t fool yourself by thinking that you don’t need help just because, on paper, things look good. And do the work sooner than later before the cumulative responsibilities of the 30s and 40s reveal the cracks in the proverbial foundations of your psyche even more.
It is entirely possible to be high-functioning and still have unresolved relational trauma symptoms at play. The two things are not mutually exclusive. And sometimes, being so “high-functioning” with those Ivy League degrees and good job prospects cloaks and disguises the very real need to seek out high-quality mental healthcare. Don’t fool yourself by thinking that you don’t need help just because, on paper, things look good. And do the work sooner than later before the cumulative responsibilities of the 30s and 40s reveal the cracks in the proverbial foundations of your psyche even more.
Honey. Get yourself into trauma therapy. Not “coaching.” Not “personal growth circles with a facilitator.” Not even just “regular talk therapy.” Actual trauma therapy with clinical intake paperwork and confidentiality agreements with a licensed mental health clinician overseen by a regulatory board and who is additionally trained in evidence-based trauma treatment modalities like EMDR. You will save thousands of hours and tens of thousands of dollars and also reduce the risk of re-traumatizing yourself.
How It Shows Up in Real Life
Relational Trauma Recovery is a clinical concept discussed in this essay that helps describe how protective patterns develop and persist in relationships and daily life.
In plain terms: In plain terms: naming relational trauma recovery can help you recognize a familiar response without treating yourself as the problem.
Honey. Get yourself into trauma therapy. Not “coaching.” Not “personal growth circles with a facilitator.” Not even just “regular talk therapy.” Actual trauma therapy with clinical intake paperwork and confidentiality agreements with a licensed mental health clinician overseen by a regulatory board and who is additionally trained in evidence-based trauma treatment modalities like EMDR. You will save thousands of hours and tens of thousands of dollars and also reduce the risk of re-traumatizing yourself.
I know you don’t want to hear this, but it’s going to take time. More time than you think or would like. But if you think about it, that makes sense. It took a long time for all these thoughts, behaviors, and ways of being in the world to develop. It will take time to undo them. Have patience as much as you can while you continue to feel sad about your childhood, and move forward as best you can.
I know you don’t want to hear this, but it’s going to take time. More time than you think or would like. But if you think about it, that makes sense. It took a long time for all these thoughts, behaviors, and ways of being in the world to develop. It will take time to undo them. Have patience as much as you can while you continue to feel sad about your childhood, and move forward as best you can.
You don’t have to be fully healed to start living your life. You can make movement towards a career path that feels good even while you’re healing. You can begin dating and even thinking about/raising kids while you’re still grieving your past and working through your big feelings. Indeed, the things you want from life are some of the very things that can accelerate your healing and teach you your biggest lessons. Please understand: you don’t have to defer living your life until you’re “fully healed” to pursue them.
You don’t have to be fully healed to start living your life. You can make movement towards a career path that feels good even while you’re healing. You can begin dating and even thinking about/raising kids while you’re still grieving your past and working through your big feelings. Indeed, the things you want from life are some of the very things that can accelerate your healing and teach you your biggest lessons. Please understand: you don’t have to defer living your life until you’re “fully healed” to pursue them.
Also, there is no “fully healed.” That is a myth. On a relational trauma recovery journey, there are progress markers like skills developed, capacities strengthened, and other biopsychosocial achievements, but there is no “fully healed.” No penultimate destination of what being healed from your relational trauma history looks like. There’s just constant progression from where you started based on what you think progress is.
Also, there is no “fully healed.” That is a myth. On a relational trauma recovery journey, there are progress markers like skills developed, capacities strengthened, and other biopsychosocial achievements, but there is no “fully healed.” No penultimate destination of what being healed from your relational trauma history looks like. There’s just constant progression from where you started based on what you think progress is.
Life is easier as a hermit. But it’s way less fulfilling. Strengthening your capacity to tolerate relationships , the real, closely connected kind with conflict, vulnerability, rupture and repair, and deep intimacy , is what makes life worthwhile. But of course, this feels hard to understand when you’ve spent your whole life isolating because relationships have felt so painful. Practicing being in relationship with safe, trusted others to begin developing this capacity (and it totally counts to start practicing with a therapist if there’s no one in your “real life” who feels safe.)
Life is easier as a hermit. But it’s way less fulfilling. Strengthening your capacity to tolerate relationships , the real, closely connected kind with conflict, vulnerability, rupture and repair, and deep intimacy , is what makes life worthwhile. But of course, this feels hard to understand when you’ve spent your whole life isolating because relationships have felt so painful. Practicing being in relationship with safe, trusted others to begin developing this capacity (and it totally counts to start practicing with a therapist if there’s no one in your “real life” who feels safe.)
Your financial healing and empowerment will, in tandem with your psychological healing and empowerment, be just as important for your relational trauma recovery journey. Make learning about, stewarding, and improving your financial life as much a priority as anything else. A psychologically empowered woman is powerful. A psychologically empowered woman with assets and resources who can, for example, retain the best attorneys when abusers want to make trouble in her life is even more powerful.
What Can Begin to Change
Your financial healing and empowerment will, in tandem with your psychological healing and empowerment, be just as important for your relational trauma recovery journey. Make learning about, stewarding, and improving your financial life as much a priority as anything else. A psychologically empowered woman is powerful. A psychologically empowered woman with assets and resources who can, for example, retain the best attorneys when abusers want to make trouble in her life is even more powerful.
There is no “forgetting or getting over” your past. There is only grieving and integrating the reality. This journey isn’t an “Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind” scenario. You can’t change what happened, and you can’t forget it. But you can construct a new narrative and make meaning of your past as you move along in your relational trauma recovery work.
There is no “forgetting or getting over” your past. There is only grieving and integrating the reality. This journey isn’t an “Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind” scenario. You can’t change what happened, and you can’t forget it. But you can construct a new narrative and make meaning of your past as you move along in your relational trauma recovery work.
Few things are more powerful than feeling less alone in your childhood trauma and your recovery from it. Seek out circles and places where it feels safe to share. Your share may invite others to do the same, and the relief that comes from feeling not alone in your story, in your circumstances, can be another powerful healing accelerant.
Few things are more powerful than feeling less alone in your childhood trauma and your recovery from it. Seek out circles and places where it feels safe to share. Your share may invite others to do the same, and the relief that comes from feeling not alone in your story, in your circumstances, can be another powerful healing accelerant.
It IS possible to come from an egregious childhood trauma history and still have a big, beautiful life as an adult. One filled with love, fulfilling relationships, meaningful work, financial success, and joy from hobbies, adventures, and more. You are not doomed to a lesser life because of where you started.
It IS possible to come from an egregious childhood trauma history and still have a big, beautiful life as an adult. One filled with love, fulfilling relationships, meaningful work, financial success, and joy from hobbies, adventures, and more. You are not doomed to a lesser life because of where you started.
Your relational trauma healing may have to include elective or forced temporary or permanent estrangement from your mentally ill or dysfunctional family members. But this can change later when and if you feel ready to re-engage (assuming they’re open to this). It’s just hard to heal the wound when your hand is still on the hot stove…
Your relational trauma healing may have to include elective or forced temporary or permanent estrangement from your mentally ill or dysfunctional family members. But this can change later when and if you feel ready to re-engage (assuming they’re open to this). It’s just hard to heal the wound when your hand is still on the hot stove…
You need to understand that you’re starting five miles behind the starting line of your peers who don’t come from childhood trauma backgrounds. The playing field is not level. Is it possible to ever “catch up?” Possibly, depending on what that looks like for you. But is it fair or helpful for you to ever compare yourself to them, given the differences in where you started out? Hell no. Stop doing that to lessen the pain you’re heaping onto yourself in an already painful situation.
You need to understand that you’re starting five miles behind the starting line of your peers who don’t come from childhood trauma backgrounds. The playing field is not level. Is it possible to ever “catch up?” Possibly, depending on what that looks like for you. But is it fair or helpful for you to ever compare yourself to them, given the differences in where you started out? Hell no. Stop doing that to lessen the pain you’re heaping onto yourself in an already painful situation.
Nonlinear Healing is a clinical concept discussed in this essay that helps describe how protective patterns develop and persist in relationships and daily life.
In plain terms: In plain terms: naming nonlinear healing can help you recognize a familiar response without treating yourself as the problem.
A More Compassionate Way Forward
Learning and re-learning the skills of good, functional, “mundane” adulting and doing those actions day in, day out, year after year will have a cumulative impact on your relational trauma journey in tandem with the deep psychological work you do. Indeed, the most you process the trauma of your past and form new, more healthy, adaptive beliefs and behaviors, all those things you always struggled with , taking good care of your body and health, tending to your logistical safety in the world, paying professionals for support, and making reasonable plans for the future , it will all get easier. And it will all add up. And one day, you’ll be so proud of how being a “regular responsible adult” feels.
Learning and re-learning the skills of good, functional, “mundane” adulting and doing those actions day in, day out, year after year will have a cumulative impact on your relational trauma journey in tandem with the deep psychological work you do. Indeed, the most you process the trauma of your past and form new, more healthy, adaptive beliefs and behaviors, all those things you always struggled with , taking good care of your body and health, tending to your logistical safety in the world, paying professionals for support, and making reasonable plans for the future , it will all get easier. And it will all add up. And one day, you’ll be so proud of how being a “regular responsible adult” feels.
Despite the fact that you have spent your whole life feeling “other” and unwanted, you will not always feel this way. In fact, you will find your people, create a second chance family-of-choice, and speaking and telling your story will attract amazing relationships into your life (not to mention create your entire career path). Feeling other is painful. Feeling behind and on the sidelines of life is painful. But often, it’s the Black Sheep and the Late Bloomers that go on to have the most extraordinary stories of all. Look around you for models to take inspiration from until your own life becomes the model you had so dearly wished to see.
Despite the fact that you have spent your whole life feeling “other” and unwanted, you will not always feel this way. In fact, you will find your people, create a second chance family-of-choice, and speaking and telling your story will attract amazing relationships into your life (not to mention create your entire career path). Feeling other is painful. Feeling behind and on the sidelines of life is painful. But often, it’s the Black Sheep and the Late Bloomers that go on to have the most extraordinary stories of all. Look around you for models to take inspiration from until your own life becomes the model you had so dearly wished to see.
These are 16 things I would have told my 25-year-old self 16 years ago, insights gleaned from being 16 years ahead on the relational trauma recovery journey with a clinical license and expertise in relational trauma recovery and a heck of a lot more lived life experience.
I truly hope that even one thing I shared in this essay felt helpful to you and supportive no matter where you personally are on your own relational trauma recovery journey.
And now I’d love to hear from you in the comments below:
What would you tell the you of 16 years ago about your own relational trauma recovery journey?
If you feel so inclined, please leave a message in the comments. This blog, this little corner of the internet, receives about 30,000 visitors each month, and our blog comments have become a kind of community where folks with similar paths and journeys find each other, learn from each other, and take hope and inspiration from each other’s shares. You never know who you’ll help when you write.
Here’s to healing relational trauma and creating thriving lives on solid foundations.
Q: What is this essay about?
A: It explores 16 things about relational trauma recovery i wish i’d known and the patterns, questions, and possibilities for healing described in the essay.
Nothing was obviously wrong. Everything felt off.
A focused self-paced course on covert narcissism, gaslighting, and the subtle manipulation patterns that leave no obvious bruises and no clear villain. For when you need to name what happened before you can recover from it.
Q: Why might this pattern feel so persistent?
A: The essay explains how protective responses can become familiar over time, especially when they once helped you cope or stay connected.
Q: Can awareness really help?
A: Awareness does not erase the past, but it can create more room to notice a pattern and choose a different next step.
Q: Do I need to have a clear memory of the past to work on this?
A: No. You can pay attention to present-day reactions, needs, and relationships without proving every detail of your history.
Q: When might additional support help?
A: Therapy or another trustworthy support can offer structure and care when these patterns feel overwhelming or difficult to change alone.
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Annie Wright, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist · Relational Trauma Specialist · W.W. Norton Author
“Helping driven women finally feel as good as their résumé looks.”
Annie Wright is a licensed psychotherapist with 15,000+ clinical hours since 2013 and an EMDRIA Certified Therapist. She’s the founder and former CEO of Evergreen Counseling, a multimillion-dollar trauma-informed therapy center she successfully exited. She’s currently writing her first book, The Everything Years: Navigating the Pressure and Promise of Your Thirties, with W.W. Norton (2027). Her expert commentary has appeared in Psychology Today, Forbes, Business Insider, NBC News, and The Information.
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Annie Wright, LMFT
LMFT · Relational Trauma Specialist · Author, W.W. Norton 2027
Helping driven women finally feel as good as their résumé looks.
Annie Wright is an EMDR-certified licensed psychotherapist and relational trauma specialist with over 15,000 clinical hours, and she's been in practice since 2013. Trained in EMDR, psychodynamic, and somatic modalities, she is licensed in 14 U.S. jurisdictions and registered to provide telehealth in Florida (California, Colorado (telehealth only), Connecticut, the District of Columbia, Florida, Illinois, Maine, Maryland, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, Texas, Utah, Virginia, and Washington). Annie works with driven and ambitious women from relational trauma backgrounds, and everything she writes about is field-tested across thousands of clinical sessions. She is the founder and former CEO of Evergreen Counseling, a multimillion-dollar trauma-informed therapy center she built, scaled, and successfully exited, and is currently writing her first book, The Everything Years: Navigating the Pressure and Promise of Your Thirties, with W.W. Norton (2027). A regular contributor to Psychology Today, her expert commentary has appeared in USA Today, Forbes, Business Insider, Inc., NBC, and The Information.
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