The holidays can be triggering: 11 reminders, 15 scripts, and 8 supports.

Emotional Regulation & Nervous System • November 26, 2023

Tuck this digital permission slip away for now but come back to it any time when you feel triggered by what you imagine you “should” feel/do/experience during this time of the year.

Related reading: Attachment Trauma: How Early Relationships Shape Your Adult Connections

What are 15 scripts you can use when holiday conversations become triggering?

Consider the following scripts if people question what you’re doing for the holidays and/or comment on your lack of plans/plans that don’t make sense to them and you don’t know what to say back.

1. “I appreciate your concern, but I’ve decided to spend the holidays focusing on self-care and personal well-being.”
2. “I’ve made a choice that feels right for me at this time. I hope you can respect that decision.”
3. “It’s a personal matter, and I’m taking some time for myself during the holidays.”
4. “I’m prioritizing my mental health this holiday season and have chosen to spend it in a way that supports that.”
5. “Thank you for your concern. I’m focusing on creating a positive and peaceful holiday experience for myself.”
6. “I’ve chosen to celebrate the holidays in a way that aligns with my current needs and priorities.”
7. “This year, I’ve decided to take a break and focus on activities that bring me joy and peace.”
8. “I appreciate your curiosity, but I’d rather not discuss my holiday plans. Let’s talk about something else.”
9. “It’s a personal decision, and I’m grateful for your understanding as I navigate this time on my own terms.”
10. “I’m choosing to spend the holidays in a way that brings me comfort and peace. I hope you can respect that.”
11. “I’ve decided to step back and prioritize my well-being during the holidays. I appreciate your understanding.”
12. “Family dynamics can be complicated, and I’m taking this time to reflect and focus on my own growth.”
13. “I’ve made a conscious decision to take a break from family gatherings this year for personal reasons. I hope you can respect that.”
14. “I’m focusing on creating a positive and nurturing environment for myself during the holidays.”
15. “I’ve chosen to spend the holidays in a way that aligns with my current journey of self-discovery and healing.”

Hopefully these scripts will feel supportive. Of course, create any and all iterations from them that resonate with you and your unique situation. But above all else remember that you get to hold your boundaries and say whatever you’d like. You’re not responsible for making other people feel comfortable if you’re honest about your situation.

What are some alternate ways to celebrate the holidays when family gatherings feel too hard?

As you internalize the digital permission slip reminders and hold your boundaries politely but assertively, consider, too, lining up alternative plans/extra supports for yourself through the holiday season if your plans don’t/can’t/shouldn’t include your family of origin or anyone else:

• Create Your Own Rituals: Establish new, positive holiday traditions that align with your values and bring you joy.
• Solo Movie Marathon: You know how I’m a big believer in the power of cinematherapy, so enjoy a movie or TV show marathon of your favorite films or shows, creating a cozy and fun environment.
• Volunteer for a Cause: Volunteering can significantly boost your mental health, with research showing it leads to better self-esteem and lower depressive symptoms. Consider volunteering for a cause you’re passionate about, such as mental health organizations or local food banks. This can foster a sense of purpose and improve your wellbeing.
• Nature Retreat: Escape to nature for a day or weekend to recharge and find solace away from the pressures of the holiday season. I’ll always recommend Esalen if you can get there.

What supportive measures can help you survive and even thrive during the holiday season?

And finally, remember to layer on lots of extra support during this time if the holidays feel hard. Consider one or all of the following to help you:

• Crisis Hotline Contacts: Save crisis hotline numbers in your phone in case you need immediate support during challenging times. We havemy therapy practice over on the resource page of my therapy center’s blog. Check those out.
• Therapy Sessions: Schedule therapy sessions with your therapist before, during, and after the holidays for extra support.
• Lean On Friends Who Get It: Reach out to supportive friends who understand your situation, and let them know you might need some extra support during this time.
• Utilize Online Resources: Websites like Reddit have dedicated communities where individuals share their experiences and provide support for those who find the holidays difficult. Explore these subreddits:
  • r/EstrangedAdultChild:
    • This subreddit is specifically for adults who are estranged from their parents. Members share their stories, seek advice, and provide support to one another.
  • r/raisedbynarcissists:
    • While not exclusively for those who are estranged, this subreddit is a supportive community for people dealing with narcissistic parents. Many members share their experiences of going no-contact or low-contact with family members.
  • r/justnofamily:
    • This subreddit is for individuals dealing with difficult family dynamics. It includes stories of estrangement, setting boundaries, and seeking advice on managing challenging family relationships.
  • r/familyestrangement:
    • This is a community specifically focused on family estrangement. Members share their experiences, offer support, and discuss various aspects of being estranged from family.

How can therapy help you prepare for and navigate holiday triggers?

When holiday season activates every trauma response in your nervous system—from hypervigilance about family questions to somatic memories of seasonal danger—therapy provides essential scaffolding for surviving and even reclaiming this time of year.

A trauma-informed therapist understands that your body’s reaction to shorter days and family-centric celebrations isn’t dramatic or ungrateful but rather evidence of how thoroughly your system learned to associate this season with threat. Through therapeutic work, you explore not just conscious holiday memories but the implicit body memories that make December feel dangerous regardless of current circumstances.

In session, you might process specific holiday traumas while also addressing the broader pattern of seasonal activation, learning to differentiate between then and now, between past danger and present safety. Your therapist helps you understand that setting boundaries with family during holidays isn’t betrayal but self-preservation, that creating alternative traditions isn’t giving up on connection but building sustainable ways to celebrate.

The therapeutic process includes developing practical strategies—scripts for difficult conversations, grounding techniques for family encounters, permission to opt out entirely—while also addressing the deeper wound of not having the family holidays our culture insists everyone deserves.

Through consistent support, you learn that holidays can be reimagined rather than simply endured, that you can create meaning and even joy outside traditional family structures. Most importantly, therapy offers what family gatherings cannot: a genuinely safe space where your complex feelings about holidays are validated rather than challenged, where choosing yourself over family expectations is recognized as growth rather than selfishness.

Related reading: Trauma and Relationships: When Your Professional Strengths Become Your Relationship Blindspots

Wrapping up.

Most importantly though, as you navigate this holiday season and if this time of year feels painful for you, please make whatever choices you can to take care of yourself.

It’s hard enough having painful feeling states, but when the rest of the world is seemingly chipper and full of holiday cheer and you feel alone in your painful experience, it is, I think, harder to bear.

So please be kind to yourself in whatever way this looks – holding the boundaries you need, acknowledging or ignoring the season, re-writing your experience, and fundamentally, taking good care of your physical and mental health as best you can.

If you need suggestions for added support right now, be sure to explore this post.

And now I’d love to hear from you in the comments below:

Do you find this time of the year triggering? What’s one script, alternative celebration structure or support that you use during these winter holidays to help take good care of yourself?

If you feel so inclined, please leave a message in the comments. This blog, this little corner of the internet, receives about 30,000 visitors each month, and our blog comments have become a kind of community where folks with similar paths and journeys find each other, learn from each other, and take hope and inspiration from each other’s shares.

Here’s to healing relational trauma and creating thriving lives on solid foundations.

Warmly,

Annie