The holidays can be triggering: 11 reminders, 15 scripts, and 8 supports.
“You may shoot me with your words, / You may cut me with your eyes, / You may kill me with your hatefulness, / But still, like air, I’ll rise.”
Maya Angelou, poet, memoirist, and civil rights activist
The holidays can be triggering: 11 reminders, 15 scripts, and 8 supports.
LAST UPDATED: APRIL 2026
You may find the holidays triggering because they activate your nervous system with intense emotional and physical responses tied to old relational wounds and complicated family dynamics that don’t just disappear with a calendar change. Relational trauma means your past experiences in significant relationships, often from childhood, shape how you face culturally loaded holidays. This post gives you 15 specific scripts to navigate the difficult questions and maintain your boundaries without numbing out or exploding.
Last updated: June 2026 by Annie Wright, LMFT
A holiday trigger is a stimulus. Sensory, relational, or situational. During the holiday season that activates the nervous system’s stress response in someone who carries unresolved relational trauma. Bessel van der Kolk, MD, psychiatrist and trauma researcher and author of The Body Keeps the Score, explains that triggers activate the body’s survival system even when the current situation is objectively safe, because the nervous system is responding to a memory pattern rather than present-moment reality.
In plain terms: Your body doesn’t always know it’s 2024, not 2004. When the holiday music starts, or you walk into your parents’ house and smell the same dinner that was on the table during the worst years, your nervous system can respond as though it’s back in that original moment. That’s not weakness or irrationality. That’s the biology of trauma memory.
- TABLE OF CONTENTS
- It’s a time of the year when well-meaning but impactful questions abound.
- Meaning your body may have strong feeling memories of this time of the year.
- 11 important reminders if the holidays feel triggering:
- Signs You May Be Carrying Relational Trauma
- 15 Scripts Of What To Say In Triggering Holiday Conversations:
- Frequently Asked Questions
Nervous system activation is your body’s natural way of responding to perceived threat or stress, triggering physical and emotional reactions like racing heart, tension, or anxiety. It’s not a sign of weakness, overreaction, or something you can simply ‘snap out of’ by willpower or positive thinking. For you, especially if you carry relational trauma, nervous system activation during the holidays can feel overwhelming, as if old wounds are replaying themselves, making it hard to think clearly or stay grounded. Knowing this is not just ‘in your head’ but a real biological response validates your experience and opens a path to respond with kindness and practical support. It matters because when you understand nervous system activation, you can learn to recognize your body’s signals and use strategies to calm yourself instead of getting swept away by the intensity.
- You may find the holidays triggering because they activate your nervous system with intense emotional and physical responses tied to old relational wounds and complicated family dynamics that don’t just disappear with a calendar change.
- Relational trauma means your past experiences in significant relationships, often from childhood, shape how you face culturally loaded holidays. This post gives you 15 specific scripts to navigate the difficult questions and maintain your boundaries without numbing out or exploding.
- Healing during the holidays doesn’t mean forcing joy or pretending family is simple; it means recognizing your unique grief, using practical supports like alternate celebrations and therapy, and holding the truth that you can survive this season with your sanity intact.
Show me a person with a relational trauma history, and I’ll show you someone who, at one point in time, likely had a complex relationship with the winter holidays.
SUMMARY
For anyone with relational trauma in their history, the holidays can be a season of profound nervous system activation. Old wounds surface, family dynamics intensify, and the cultural pressure to feel joyful can make everything worse. This post offers 11 honest reminders, 15 concrete scripts, and practical tools to help you get through it with your sanity intact.
Why?
Because the two culturally dominant and Federally-recognized holidays during this time, Thanksgiving and Christmas, are family-centric. There’s often a slew of assumptions and questions that come from folks during this time that presupposes trauma or a relationship with family of origin. And all the attendant plan-making, visiting, and togetherness that relationship implies.
Implications and assumptions that might be anything but true, easy, or simple for someone who comes from a relational trauma background and/or who is currently estranged or disowned from their family system.
- It’s a time of the year when well-meaning but impactful questions abound.
- Meaning your body may have strong feeling memories of this time of the year.
- 11 important reminders if the holidays feel triggering:
- Signs You May Be Carrying Relational Trauma
- 15 Scripts Of What To Say In Triggering Holiday Conversations:
- 4 Alternate Celebration Ideas:
- 4 Supportive Measures:
- Navigating Holiday Triggers Through Therapeutic Support
- Wrapping up.
A holiday trigger is a sensory, relational, or situational cue that activates the nervous system’s stress response in someone carrying unresolved relational trauma, because the body responds to the pattern of the past rather than present-day safety. Specific smells, seasonal music, and loaded family questions can all trigger this response when encoded alongside earlier experiences of emotional unavailability. In my work with driven women with complicated family histories, the hardest part is usually managing the gap between who they’ve become and who the family still expects them to be.
In short: Holiday triggers activate the nervous system’s survival response through sensory and relational cues encoded with earlier trauma, causing the body to respond to a remembered threat rather than present-day safety.
I’ve helped women navigate triggering family dynamics across more than 15,000 clinical hours, drawing on somatic awareness and relational trauma frameworks to build practical scripts and supports. Bessel van der Kolk, MD, psychiatrist, trauma researcher, and author of The Body Keeps the Score, explains that traumatic memories are stored in sensory-motor form and reactivated by context-matched cues, bypassing the prefrontal cortex’s capacity for rational appraisal (van der Kolk 2014).
Why do seemingly innocent holiday questions feel so triggering when you have a trauma history?
Relational trauma refers to psychological injury that occurs within the context of important relationships, particularly those with primary caregivers during childhood. Unlike single-incident trauma, relational trauma involves repeated experiences of emotional neglect, inconsistency, manipulation, or abuse within bonds where safety and trust should have been foundational.
Holiday Grief
Holiday grief is the particular form of loss and longing that surfaces during culturally designated times of family togetherness. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day. For people whose families of origin were painful, chaotic, estranged, or absent. It is grief for what should have been, grief for what still isn’t, and sometimes grief disguised as irritability, numbness, or a vague sense of dread as the season approaches.
Zoom meetings, the preschool pickup line, bumping into your neighbor raking up the leaves:
“So what did you do for Thanksgiving?”
“Bet you can’t wait for Christmas. What are you doing this year?”
“Wait, you’re not going home for the holidays?!”
“So you DON’T love this time of the year?”
Maybe. Or not. Maybe DEFINITELY not.
For many of us, holidays can or has really triggered our trauma.
Related reading: What does it mean to be an ambitious, upwardly mobile woman from a relational trauma background?
A reminder of what never was, what isn’t, and what likely won’t be.
At least with your family of origin.
But also, on top of what may feel explicitly triggering at this time, what’s also true for some is that this time of the year may also be IMPLICITLY triggering.
Meaning your body may have strong feeling memories of this time of the year.
A time of the year when the days get shorter, the weather turns colder, and fewer opportunities to leave the house become a reality (depending on where you live in the country).
A time of the year where, if you lived through an abusive, dysfunctional, or neglectful childhood trauma and the holidays, the end of the year might be triggering for your body and mind and not necessarily always with memory recall because of what could and would happen if you were stuck inside.
So please, if this is you, if you struggle with the holiday season for any reason, today’s essay is for you.
In it I share a list of 9 reminders, 15 scripts, and 8 supports to put in your proverbial toolbox to take care of yourself through these triggering winter holiday times.
I hope that even one thing I share feels supportive.
What are 11 important reminders to hold onto if the holidays feel triggering for you?
Consider this post a digital permission slip of sorts if you’re struggling this holiday season and remember:
