Unfortunately, collectively, we as a society seem to believe that the “only” kind of abuse that “counts” is physical. And that if something else happened to you as a child beyond being physically harmed, this “couldn’t have been abuse.”
And that’s not true. It’s a big myth about childhood abuse.
And it’s frankly not helpful to believe in the course of your own personal healing work.
I really do think it’s important – painful yes, but important – to talk about and to recognize exactly what abuse is because many, particularly those who grew up in dysfunctional or chaotic family homes, may, in fact, have a history of abuse but are unwilling or unable to identify it as such.
But when we do, when we can accurately confront and validate our personal history, we allow ourselves opportunities for healing as adults.
So today, I want to dispel the myth that there’s “only” one kind of abuse and share information and examples with you about what also counts as child (or adult) abuse in the hope that you may be able to see and validate yourself and your story more clearly, and use this information to support your own healing process.
What exactly is abuse?
So what is abuse, anyway?
Seems like an obvious one, doesn’t it? But formal definitions of abuse are rather vague. Take, for instance, Merriam Webster’s definition:
“1: a corrupt practice or custom;
2: improper or excessive use or treatment: misuse;
3: language that condemns or vilifies usually unjustly, intemperately, and angrily;
4: physical maltreatment;
5: a deceitful act: deception.”
The fact that physical maltreatment gets its own line in the definition might account for why some or many of us automatically link the term abuse to physical abuse.
And while we know today that physical abuse is wrong and cause – at least for mandated reporters like myself – to contact Child Protective Services, the idea that physical abuse of children is wrong is relatively new.*
Physical abuse.
“Spanking”, a euphemism for what’s objectively corporal punishment of children, has long been normalized as “a part of parenting.”
(Just watch Mad Men and try and get through without cringing at how Betty Draper’s kids are treated.)
And even today in the State of California, though I object to it personally and professionally, open-handed “spanks” that don’t leave a mark are permissible. Anything else that leaves a mark is not.
So physical abuse, legally and definitively, is relatively “clear cut”. But it’s certainly not the only kind of abuse there is.
