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How to Go No Contact With a Sociopathic Parent: A Therapist’s Step-by-Step Guide
A driven woman finalizing a written letter at her kitchen table, decisive and grieving at once. Annie Wright trauma therapy

How to Go No Contact With a Sociopathic Parent: A Therapist’s Step-by-Step Guide

SUMMARY

This guide walks through what it actually takes to go no contact with a sociopathic parent: the internal work that comes before the letter, the retaliation you can expect after it, and the grief that follows for longer than anyone tells you it will. It’s written for driven women who are exhausted from managing a parent who can’t change, and who need a clinician’s honest map of what protecting yourself actually costs and gives back.

Last reviewed: July 2026 by Annie Wright, LMFT

QUICK ANSWER · UPDATED JULY 2026

Going no contact with a sociopathic parent means deliberately ending communication because the relationship poses an ongoing threat to your safety or stability, and gentler approaches have already failed. It’s not a punishment and it’s not abandonment. It’s a boundary of last resort, built after other options have been tried and have not worked. In my work with driven women facing this decision, the hardest part is rarely the logic. It’s tolerating the grief and guilt that arrive afterward, often for people who did nothing wrong.

HOW I KNOW THIS

Across more than 15,000 clinical hours, I have sat with dozens of driven women who arrived at this exact decision on their own timeline, usually years after everyone around them assumed it was obvious. What I’ve noticed clinically is that no contact rarely comes first. It comes after limited contact, gray rock, and repeated attempts at repair have already been tried and have already failed.

The Seventeenth Draft of a Letter She May Never Send

The apartment is quiet at six on a Sunday morning, the kind of quiet that only exists before a city fully wakes up. Camille, a 44-year-old cardiothoracic surgeon, sits at her kitchen island in a faded sweatshirt she grabbed on her way home from a night shift, the marble cold under her forearms. Her laptop is open to a document titled simply “Letter,” and the cursor blinks at the top of a paragraph she has now rewritten seventeen times.

If you're the person in your family line who decided to stop the pattern, my self-paced course Parenting Past the Pattern is the practical work of doing it.

She reads it out loud, once, quietly. It sounds too clinical. She deletes the second sentence. Now it sounds too soft, like she’s leaving room for her mother to argue her out of it, which is exactly what her mother would do given half a sentence to work with. Camille has learned this the hard way, more than once.

She thinks about the call three weeks ago, the one where her mother described, in warm and reasonable detail, a story about Camille’s brother that turned out to be untrue in every particular fact except the parts designed to make Camille feel guilty. That’s the pattern. Not cruelty exactly. Something colder and more precise: a total absence of concern for whether the story was true, only for whether it worked.

This letter isn’t really about the letter. It’s about a boundary Camille has never drawn in forty-four years, and about the particular grief of finally naming, out loud, that her mother is not going to change no matter how clearly Camille explains the cost of staying in contact. This guide walks through what comes before a decision like Camille’s, what tends to follow it, and how women in her position build a life on the other side of it.

What Does It Mean to Go No Contact With a Sociopathic Parent?

Going no contact means deliberately ending all communication and interaction with a parent whose behavior fits a sociopathic pattern: chronic manipulation, disregard for your boundaries, and an absence of genuine remorse that persists no matter how clearly the harm is named. It’s a specific clinical response to a specific clinical problem, not a general term for family conflict.

This is different from taking space from a parent who is difficult but capable of real repair. A parent who yells under stress and later apologizes and changes their behavior is not the same clinical picture as a parent who apologizes beautifully and then repeats the exact same behavior within a month. The second pattern is what tends to make no contact the only option that actually holds.

DEFINITION ANTISOCIAL PERSONALITY DISORDER (ASPD)

Defined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-5-TR), ASPD describes a long-standing pattern of disregard for the rights of others, marked by deceitfulness, impulsivity, irritability, and a consistent lack of remorse after causing harm. The colloquial term “sociopath” generally refers to this clinical pattern or to closely related traits described by Robert Hare, PhD, professor emeritus of psychology at the University of British Columbia and developer of the Hare Psychopathy Checklist.

In plain terms: Your parent can hurt or manipulate the people closest to them, including you, without feeling the guilt that would normally stop most people from doing it again. That’s not a character flaw you can talk them out of. It’s a durable pattern that makes ordinary relational repair unavailable to you, no matter how good your communication skills are.

Because sociopathic parents often rely on family loyalty and social expectation to stay protected, going no contact can feel like breaking a rule that was never actually written down but was enforced anyway. It usually isn’t a betrayal. It’s frequently the only strategy left that protects your safety, your finances, and your nervous system.

For more on distinguishing a difficult parent from a genuinely dangerous one, see the clinical overview of antisocial personality disorder and the related guide on what it’s like to have a sociopath in the family. If you’re earlier in this decision, the broader guide on going no contact with a parent lays out the more general framework this post builds on.

What Does the Clinical Research Say About Why Sociopathic Parents Can’t Repair Harm?

Sociopathy involves durable differences in how the brain processes threat, empathy, and consequence, which is part of why it looks so different from ordinary difficult parenting. Robert Hare’s research on psychopathic traits found that these patterns of manipulation and shallow affect are remarkably stable across decades and don’t respond to typical relational consequences the way most personality difficulties do (Guay et al. 2018).

Martha Stout, PhD, a clinical psychologist and author of The Sociopath Next Door, has estimated that roughly one in twenty-five people show sociopathic traits, which means this is a far more common family experience than most people realize, and far more hidden. A parent with this profile can perform love convincingly without feeling the underlying attachment that would normally make love durable. That mimicry is precisely what makes the relationship so disorienting for the child who grew up inside it.

Judith Herman, MD, psychiatrist and Harvard Medical School professor and author of Trauma and Recovery, has written extensively about how trauma inflicted by a trusted caregiver disrupts a child’s core sense of safety in a way that trauma from a stranger does not. When the person harming you is also the person you’re biologically wired to seek comfort from, your nervous system doesn’t get a clean signal to run. It gets a scrambled one, and that scrambled signal often follows people well into adulthood.

Stephen Porges, PhD, a behavioral neuroscientist and the originator of polyvagal theory, has described how a nervous system raised around unpredictable threat tends to stay locked in hypervigilance or shutdown long after the original threat is gone (Porges 2025). I think of it like a smoke alarm that got recalibrated by a real fire. It’s not malfunctioning when it goes off during a stressful phone call with your mother. It’s doing exactly the job it was trained to do by an environment that was genuinely dangerous.

What this means in practice is that the fear you feel when your phone rings and your mother’s name appears on the screen is not an overreaction. It’s a nervous system doing accurate math based on years of accumulated data. A body that has been startled by the same person hundreds of times over decades doesn’t reset just because you’ve moved out, built a career, or explained the situation clearly to a therapist. It resets slowly, through repeated experiences of actual safety, which is part of why healing from this kind of relationship takes considerably longer than most people expect.

Cloitre and colleagues, writing on the developmental roots of complex post-traumatic stress, found that childhood trauma inflicted by a caregiver produces a more complicated symptom picture than a single adult trauma, involving difficulties with emotional regulation, a persistently negative self-concept, and trouble sustaining relationships (Cloitre et al. 2009). That’s often why women who go no contact with a sociopathic parent aren’t just grieving the relationship itself. They’re also doing the slower work of untangling a self-concept that was shaped for years by someone who benefited from their doubt.

DEFINITION AMBIGUOUS LOSS

A framework developed by Pauline Boss, PhD, describing grief that occurs when someone is physically present but psychologically unavailable, or physically absent but psychologically still very present. Boss’s original research examined missing persons and dementia caregiving, but the framework maps closely onto estrangement.

In plain terms: You can grieve a parent who is still alive and still calling you. The loss isn’t their death. It’s the fact that the safe, attuned parent you needed was never fully available, and no amount of continued contact is going to produce them now.

Joshua Coleman, PhD, a psychologist and author of Rules of Estrangement, has documented predictable patterns in how estrangement unfolds once an adult child sets a firm boundary, including specific retaliation tactics that show up with striking consistency across very different families. Recognizing these patterns in advance doesn’t make them painless, but it does make them survivable.

For a deeper look at these dynamics, see the guides on healing after a sociopathic parent and on telling the difference between narcissistic, sociopathic, and psychopathic traits, which are frequently confused but require somewhat different clinical approaches.

How Does No Contact Show Up Differently in driven women?

Odalys, a 41-year-old partner at a mid-sized law firm, keeps a running mental list of every deadline, filing, and client call for the coming week without ever writing anything down. She has never once missed a court date. She has, however, spent the last four Thanksgivings rehearsing exit lines in her car before walking into her mother’s house, because she has learned exactly how long she can stay before the conversation turns into something she’ll be recovering from for days.

What Odalys describes in session isn’t confusion about whether her mother is harmful. She’s clear on that. What she struggles with is the gap between her professional identity, competent, composed, always three steps ahead, and the thirty seconds it takes for one specific tone of voice on the phone to put her right back in her childhood bedroom, twelve years old and bracing.

This gap is common in driven women who arrive at this decision. The same traits that built the career, vigilance, anticipation, an almost reflexive scan for what the room needs, were often built in response to an unpredictable parent long before they were ever built for a courtroom or an operating theater. Annie Wright, LMFT, names this developmental task in The Everything Years as part of what she calls the pressure-cooker decade, the stretch of adulthood where consolidating an identity that no longer requires parental approval becomes both more urgent and more possible.

In the consulting room, this pattern is common: women who have every external marker of having “figured it out” arriving exhausted from the specific, invisible labor of managing a parent who cannot be managed. For more on this dynamic, see the post on the golden child and scapegoat dynamic, which frequently overlaps with sociopathic parenting patterns.

What Should You Do in the Six Months Before You Go No Contact?

The months before going no contact with a sociopathic parent are not wasted time. They’re the period that determines whether the boundary holds once it’s tested, and it will be tested. Unlike stepping back from a parent who is difficult but capable of change, no contact with a sociopathic parent requires a strategy that treats emotional readiness and practical safety as equally important.

Therapy is the foundation of this preparation. A therapist experienced in family estrangement can help you separate the guilt that was installed in you from the reality of the harm you experienced, which are two different things that feel identical from the inside. In my work with clients in this exact position, this is usually where the real groundwork gets laid, not in the moment the letter gets sent.

Building a support network matters just as much as the internal work. Friends and family members who understand estrangement, rather than pushing quiet reconciliation, become essential ballast during the retaliation phase that tends to follow. Financial disentanglement, closing joint accounts, separating shared property, ending any business ties, reduces your exposure to a parent who may use money as a form of control. Documenting instances of harassment, threats, or manipulation protects you if the situation escalates into legal territory.

Deciding whether to send a closing letter or simply stop responding is a genuinely individual clinical decision, and there isn’t a universally correct answer. A firm, brief letter can offer a sense of closure and clearly name the boundary. Silence, without any letter at all, can be the safer option when a parent is likely to use any written response as material for further manipulation or as evidence in a smear campaign. Judith Herman’s clinical observations suggest that some people need the letter to consolidate their own resolve, while others find that any written explanation simply reopens a door they need closed.

Whichever path you choose, preparing for retaliation in advance matters more than almost anything else on this list. Sociopathic parents may respond to no contact with smear campaigns aimed at extended family, sudden and dramatic health crises, unexpected generosity toward other relatives, or threats of legal action. None of these tactics are evidence that you made the wrong choice. They’re evidence that the choice was necessary.

It also helps to decide, well before the boundary takes effect, exactly what your own rules are going to be. Will you respond to a genuine medical emergency confirmed by someone other than your parent? Will you block a number outright, or let calls go unanswered? Deciding this in a calm moment, rather than in the middle of a crisis text at eleven at night, gives you something steady to return to when your resolve gets tested.

Many driven women underestimate how much administrative groundwork this preparation involves. Updating beneficiary designations and medical power of attorney forms so a sociopathic parent no longer has automatic access to your records is not paranoia. It’s a practical extension of the same boundary you’re setting everywhere else.

What Retaliation Should You Expect After You Go No Contact?

Renata, a 47-year-old founder of a Series B technology company, is six weeks into no contact with her mother when a text from her brother arrives with no warning: “Mom’s in the hospital.” Nothing else. No details, no context, no explanation of what happened or how serious it is.

Her body reacts before her mind catches up. A familiar knot of guilt tightens under her ribs, mixed with something colder: suspicion. Is this real? Is it a hoover, the term clinicians use for an attempt to pull an estranged person back into contact through urgency or crisis? She remembers, with unwelcome clarity, at least three prior instances of dramatic health news that turned out to be exaggerated or entirely fabricated.

This is the predictable shape of retaliation after no contact: sudden crises with missing details, guilt-inducing messages relayed through siblings, or a wave of generosity toward other family members designed to be reported back to you. None of it requires you to respond immediately, and immediate response is frequently the entire point of the message.

Renata calls her brother, confirms their mother is stable and not in danger, and does not call her mother directly. She sits with the guilt rather than acting on it, which she describes afterward as harder than the initial decision to go no contact in the first place. That, too, is a normal and expected part of this process, not a sign that something has gone wrong.

What Renata does next matters as much as what she doesn’t do. She texts a friend who knows the full history and asks one question out loud: does this sound like an emergency, or does this sound familiar? Naming the pattern to someone outside the family, in the moment, interrupts the old reflex to handle it alone.

Not every instance of retaliation announces itself as a crisis. Some arrives dressed as warmth: a wedding invitation with a note about how missed Renata is, a relative mentioning her mother “seems so much softer lately.” Coleman’s research on estrangement describes this as relational testing, low-stakes contact designed to gauge whether the boundary is still holding. Recognizing it as testing, not as evidence her mother has changed, is part of what lets Renata stay steady.

“You may shoot me with your words… But still, like air, I’ll rise.”

Maya Angelou, poet and author

Both/And: Going No Contact Is a Devastating Loss and the Most Loving Thing You Can Do for the Child You Were

Going no contact with a sociopathic parent is devastating, and it is also the most loving thing you can do for the child you once were. Both of these are true at the same time, and the tension between them doesn’t resolve quickly. It’s not a contradiction to be argued out of. It’s the actual shape of this particular grief.

The loss is real and it deserves to be named as a loss, not minimized as a mere consequence of someone else’s dysfunction. Holidays arrive on schedule whether or not you’re ready for them. A sibling’s text about a hospital stay lands with no details, engineered to pull you back into a chaos you worked hard to leave. Grief, relief, guilt, and a fierce protectiveness toward your own life can all be present within the same hour.

Odalys describes this tension directly: “I kept waiting to feel only relieved, and when I didn’t, I thought that meant I’d made the wrong call. It took me almost a year to understand that grieving her and being certain about the decision were never going to cancel each other out.” That single sentence, spoken in her third month of therapy, marked a genuine turning point in how she related to her own choice.

This both/and framing dissolves a false binary that shows up constantly in how estrangement gets discussed: that going no contact is either abandonment or healing, with no room in between. In nearly two decades of clinical practice, recognizing that both things are simultaneously true has been one of the more consistently useful reframes for women moving through this exact decade of adult life.

For a related exploration of these dynamics, see the posts on repeating patterns in parenting and on going no contact with a narcissistic parent, which shares meaningful overlap with the sociopathic pattern described here even though the two are clinically distinct.

The Systemic Lens: Why Does Western Culture Treat Estrangement as the Adult Child’s Failure?

Western culture carries a deep cultural script, reinforced by religious tradition, popular media, and extended family expectation alike, that honoring one’s parents is a nonnegotiable moral obligation regardless of how those parents behaved. Kristina Scharp, PhD, a communication researcher and scholar of family estrangement, has documented how this script frames estrangement as a personal failure of the adult child rather than a reasonable response to sustained harm.

This cultural pressure produces what researchers call disenfranchised grief: mourning that the people around you refuse to recognize as legitimate. When a woman steps back from a sociopathic parent, she often has to defend that decision repeatedly, sometimes for years, to people who were never in the room to witness what actually happened.

Family courts and other institutions frequently default to preserving parental access, without adequately accounting for coercive control or the specific dynamics documented in antisocial personality disorder. That institutional blind spot compounds an already difficult situation and can leave adult children feeling as though the burden of proof rests entirely on them.

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None of this is your fault. Naming the systemic pressure directly, rather than absorbing it as evidence that you did something wrong, tends to shift how women carry this decision over time. The problem was never that you couldn’t make it work. The problem is a cultural script that was never built with a parent like yours in mind.

For related context, see the posts on coercive control in antisocial personality disorder and co-parenting with a sociopath, both of which examine institutional blind spots in more depth.

How Do You Heal in the First Year After Going No Contact?

Healing after no contact with a sociopathic parent tends to move in a spiral rather than a straight line, with the same grief resurfacing at new depths around birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries. Trauma-informed approaches such as EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and somatic experiencing can help process the underlying betrayal and gradually recalibrate a nervous system that has been on alert for years. Cognitive behavioral therapy can help address the internalized belief that loyalty to family must be unconditional no matter the cost.

Rebuilding a relational world beyond the family of origin matters just as much as individual therapy. Trusted friends, a therapist, and estrangement-specific support communities can hold the parts of this experience that feel too specific to explain to people who haven’t lived it. Related reading on no contact with a narcissistic parent and healing the deepest betrayal offers additional strategies that frequently apply here as well.

The developmental task Annie Wright describes in The Everything Years, consolidating an adult identity that no longer requires parental approval, gives many women a useful frame for measuring progress that has nothing to do with whether contact is ever resumed. Progress here often looks like small, quiet moments: a morning without a spike of anxiety when a text notification appears, an afternoon with friends unclouded by guilt, the ability to simply say no without an apology attached.

Nervous-system work belongs in this process too, not as an afterthought but as a core part of recovery. Slow breathing, grounding through the senses, and gentle movement like walking or stretching build a kind of internal safety that doesn’t depend on your parent’s next move. When the predictable retaliation arrives, a sudden crisis, a guilt-laden message relayed through a sibling, a burst of generosity toward someone else, that internal steadiness becomes the resource you actually lean on.

Writing continues to serve a purpose even after the decision is made. Journaling, drafting letters you never send, or simply naming what happened in your own words helps externalize an experience that spent years living only in your body. This is one of the more reliable paths toward integrating what happened into a coherent story of survival rather than a wound you’re still circling.

Renata now describes her first year post-contact in three distinct phases: acute grief in the first ninety days, a long stretch of anger she hadn’t expected to feel that lasted through most of the following spring, and a slower, steadier settling that arrived closer to the one-year mark. She still flinches at unknown numbers on her phone. She no longer assumes the worst by default. That shift, she says, is the actual marker of healing, not the absence of any reaction at all.

If you’re earlier in this process and trying to determine whether you’re ready, ask yourself honestly: Do you have a therapist who understands sociopathic family dynamics specifically, not just family conflict in general? Have you started building a support network that can hold you through retaliation and grief simultaneously? Are your finances and legal affairs separated enough that they can no longer be used against you? These aren’t boxes to check quickly. They’re the actual foundation that determines whether the boundary holds under pressure.

Additional clinical guidance is available in the posts on trauma therapy with Annie Wright and on how to rebuild intuition after sociopath abuse, both of which extend the ideas covered here into more specific next steps.

Some weeks the decision will feel obviously right, almost effortless, and other weeks it will feel like the hardest thing you’ve ever chosen, sometimes within the same month. Both experiences belong to the same healing process, and neither one is more true than the other. What tends to shift over the first year isn’t the intensity of the grief so much as your relationship to it: less bracing, less afraid that feeling sad means you made a mistake, more able to let the wave move through you and recede.

You are not required to feel certain every single day for the decision to have been the right one. Healing from this kind of family system is rarely linear, and it does not require you to arrive at forgiveness, closure, or a tidy resolution. It only requires you to keep choosing your own safety, one ordinary Tuesday at a time.

Warmly, Annie.

This article is educational and does not replace individualized therapy, legal counsel, or crisis support. If you are in immediate danger, call 911 or your local emergency number. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) and the Crisis Text Line (text HOME to 741741) are both available 24 hours a day for support related to family abuse and coercive control. Decisions about contact with a parent, and any related legal or custody matters, should be made in consultation with a licensed mental health professional and, where relevant, an attorney in your jurisdiction.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: How do I know if I should go no contact or keep trying to repair the relationship?

A: Repair requires a parent capable of genuine remorse and sustained behavior change, which sociopathic patterns generally rule out. If repeated, good-faith attempts at boundaries and honest conversation have consistently failed to produce any real change, no contact is a reasonable and often necessary next step, best made with a therapist’s support.

Q: Do I need to send a letter explaining why I’m going no contact?

A: No. A letter can offer clarity for some people, but silence is equally valid and often safer, since a written explanation can become material for further manipulation. If you do write one, keep it brief, factual, and free of any invitation to debate.

Q: What kind of retaliation should I actually prepare for?

A: Expect possible smear campaigns to extended family, sudden health crises with missing details, relatives recruited to pressure you, or unexpected generosity toward others designed to be reported back. Documenting harassment and strengthening your support network in advance reduces how destabilizing these tactics can be.

Q: Can a sociopathic parent ever change enough to safely resume contact?

A: It’s uncommon. Sociopathic patterns are durable and rarely shift without intensive, sustained intervention, which most parents in this position never pursue. Any future decision about contact should prioritize your documented safety and well-being over hope for change.

Q: How do I handle other people’s judgment about my decision?

A: Disenfranchised grief and social judgment are common in estrangement, since Western culture often frames it as the adult child’s failure rather than a reasonable response to harm. Building community with people who understand estrangement, and limiting explanation to those who’ve earned it, both help.

Q: What practical steps should I take before I go no contact?

A: Separate joint finances, review any shared legal or property arrangements, document past harassment or threats, and build a support system that includes a therapist experienced with estrangement. This preparation reduces your exposure to manipulation once contact ends.

Q: Is it normal to still grieve a parent I chose to cut off?

A: Yes. You can grieve the parent you needed and never had while remaining certain the decision to stop contact was right. These two experiences regularly coexist and neither one cancels out the other.

Q: Where can I find more support for going no contact with a sociopathic parent?

A: A therapist experienced in family estrangement is the most important resource. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) can help if coercive control or threats are involved, and estrangement-specific support communities can reduce the isolation this decision often creates.

Related Reading

Boss, Pauline. Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1999.

Coleman, Joshua. Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict. New York: Sterling Publishing, 2019.

Hare, Robert D. Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us. New York: Guilford Press, 1993.

Herman, Judith L. Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence, from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. New York: Basic Books, 1992.

Stout, Martha. The Sociopath Next Door. New York: Broadway Books, 2005.

References

Peer-Reviewed Research (Vancouver)

  1. Guay JP, Knight RA, Ruscio J, Hare RD. A taxometric investigation of psychopathy in women. Psychiatry Res. 2018;261:565-573. doi:10.1016/j.psychres.2018.01.015. PMID: 29407724.
  2. Porges SW. Polyvagal Theory: Current Status, Clinical Applications, and Future Directions. Clin Neuropsychiatry. 2025;22(3):169-184. doi:10.36131/cnfioritieditore20250301. PMID: 40735382.
  3. Cloitre M, Stolbach BC, Herman JL, van der Kolk B, Pynoos R, Wang J, et al. A developmental approach to complex PTSD: childhood and adult cumulative trauma as predictors of symptom complexity. J Trauma Stress. 2009;22(5):399-408. doi:10.1002/jts.20444. PMID: 19795402.

Books & Cultural Sources (Chicago Author-Date)

  • Stout, Martha. The Sociopath Next Door. Tantor Media, 2005.
  • Coleman, Joshua. Rules of Estrangement. Sterling Publishing, 2019.
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About the Author

Annie Wright, LMFT

LMFT · Relational Trauma Specialist · W.W. Norton Author

Helping driven women finally feel as good as their résumé looks.

Annie Wright is a licensed psychotherapist (LMFT #95719) and trauma-informed executive coach with over 15,000 clinical hours. She works with driven women, including Silicon Valley leaders, physicians, and entrepreneurs, in repairing the psychological foundations beneath their impressive lives. Annie is the founder and former CEO of Evergreen Counseling, a multimillion-dollar trauma-informed therapy center she built, scaled, and successfully exited. A regular contributor to Psychology Today, her expert commentary has appeared in USA Today, Forbes, Business Insider, Inc., NBC, and The Information. She is currently writing her first book with W.W. Norton.

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