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Flying Monkeys: When the People You Trusted Become Weapons
LAST UPDATED: APRIL 2026
When the people you once trusted start acting as extensions of an abuser’s control, it feels like betrayal from every side. Flying monkeys are third parties who unwittingly or knowingly become tools in a narcissist’s campaign to isolate and manipulate you. This post unpacks how flying monkeys operate, why they target driven women’s vulnerabilities, and how to reclaim your reality and rebuild genuine support.
Last reviewed: June 2026 by Annie Wright, LMFT
- She Lost Her Best Friend Three Weeks After She Ended It
- What Are Flying Monkeys?
- The Social Psychology of How Abusers Build Proxy Networks
- How Flying Monkeys Target Driven Women’s Specific Vulnerabilities
- Identifying Flying Monkeys. Witting, Unwitting, and Weaponized
- Both/And: Those People May Genuinely Care About You. And Still Be Instruments of Harm
- The Systemic Lens: How Community and Social Reputation Are Used Against Survivors
- How to Protect Your Reality and Rebuild Genuine Support
- Frequently Asked Questions
She Lost Her Best Friend Three Weeks After She Ended It
You sit curled on the couch, the soft hum of the city outside filtered through the curtains. Your phone buzzes again, the screen lighting your tired face in the dim room. You swipe it awake, fingers trembling slightly from the knot of anxiety tightening in your chest. The same message thread, again and again, from people you once trusted. Your best friend’s name blinks at the top, but the words don’t feel like friendship anymore.
If nothing was ever obviously wrong but you still came out doubting your own perception, my self-paced course Clarity After the Covert is the map for what you experienced.
“He’s really struggling,” the text reads. Then, a call from your mother-in-law, her voice laced with concern, but something else, an indistinct edge that makes you pause. And a mutual colleague suddenly distant, their warmth replaced by cold formality. Each contact delivers the same story, the same phrases, as if rehearsed, scripted. “He doesn’t understand what happened.” “He’s devastated.” “He’s so confused.”
You pull up the texts side by side, the identical words glaring back at you. It’s not coincidence. You’re being maneuvered, isolated, a target of a carefully coordinated campaign. The people you thought were your allies are now messengers of his narrative, carrying his version of the story like weapons.
Your heart races as the sinking realization settles in: you’re surrounded by flying monkeys.
What Are Flying Monkeys?
The term “flying monkeys” originated from the classic film The Wizard of Oz and has been adopted by abuse recovery communities to describe third parties who act on behalf of an abusive person, sometimes knowingly, sometimes unknowingly, to harass, monitor, or manipulate the survivor. This concept has been extensively discussed in the context of narcissistic and sociopathic abuse dynamics.
In plain terms: Flying monkeys are the people around you, friends, family, coworkers, who end up helping the abuser control and isolate you, even if they don’t realize it.
Flying monkeys aren’t just random acquaintances. They’re carefully cultivated extensions of the abuser’s control network, mobilized to spread misinformation, create doubt, and fracture your support system. Whether they act out of loyalty, manipulation, or ignorance, their impact is corrosive, making it harder to hold on to your own truth.
The Social Psychology of How Abusers Build Proxy Networks
Understanding flying monkeys requires looking at the abuser’s broader strategy: building proxy networks that serve as buffers and weapons. Dr. Lundy Bancroft, a leading expert on abusive relationships, explains that abusers don’t just isolate partners through direct control; they leverage social networks to extend their reach and sustain their narratives beyond the immediate relationship. (PMID: 15249297) (PMID: 15249297)
Dr. Evan Stark, PhD, a sociologist and authority on coercive control, describes this as a systemic pattern of domination, where the abuser’s control extends into the social sphere, using “proxy agents” to maintain surveillance and exert pressure on the survivor. This networked control is a form of social entrapment, making escape and rebuilding more challenging.
Triangulation is a manipulation tactic involving the introduction of a third party into a two-person relationship to create jealousy, insecurity, competition, or proxy pressure. This concept was extensively studied by psychiatrist and family systems theorist Murray Bowen, MD. (PMID: 34823190)
In plain terms: The abuser brings other people into your relationship drama to confuse you, make you feel insecure, or pressure you indirectly.
Jennifer Freyd, PhD, a psychologist known for her work on betrayal trauma and the DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) phenomenon, highlights how abusers weaponize social dynamics by casting themselves as victims. Flying monkeys often embody this dynamic, unknowingly participating in narratives that invert reality to discredit survivors and uphold the abuser’s preferred story.
These proxy networks aren’t spontaneous. They’re cultivated through subtle grooming, selective disclosure, and strategic communication. Abusers identify who in their social circles can be enlisted, those with loyalty, susceptibility, or self-interest, and exploit those connections relentlessly.
Narrative control refers to the abuser’s strategic management of information to ensure their preferred account of the relationship becomes the dominant social story before the survivor can establish their own.
In plain terms: The abuser works hard to make sure everyone hears their side first and believes it, making it harder for you to be heard or believed.
RESEARCH EVIDENCE
Peer-reviewed findings that inform this clinical framework:
- Good-guy gaslighting positively associated with manipulativeness (PMID: 39376937)
How Flying Monkeys Target Driven Women’s Specific Vulnerabilities
Driven and driven women often carry unique vulnerabilities in the context of flying monkey dynamics. Their social roles, reputations, and networks make them prime targets for a multifaceted attack that blends emotional manipulation with social sabotage.
Take Meera, an emergency medicine physician who recently left a six-year relationship. Within two weeks of separating, she notices her phone buzzing incessantly, not with supportive messages, but with identical phrases from people she trusts. Her mother calls with a rehearsed concern, her college roommate texts the same exact lines, and a shared friend group suddenly cancels longstanding plans. The uniformity of the messages feels scripted, designed to isolate and destabilize.
Meera’s experience illustrates how flying monkeys exploit the social capital of driven women. Their professional status and social circles are weaponized, turning allies into vectors of control. The abuser’s narrative floods these circles before the survivor can share her side, leaving her isolated and doubting her own experience.
Driven women’s tendency to rely on reputation and carefully managed social connections becomes a double-edged sword. While their networks can be sources of strength, when turned against them, these connections become mechanisms of alienation and control. Flying monkeys exploit these vulnerabilities with surgical precision, leveraging social expectations and assumptions about loyalty, reason, and credibility.
The emotional impact is profound: the survivor feels not only betrayed by the abuser but abandoned by those she believed would stand with her. This layered loss compounds the trauma, making recovery feel like an uphill battle against both the abuser and a social system that seems to side with him.
Identifying Flying Monkeys. Witting, Unwitting, and Weaponized
What I see consistently in my work with clients navigating narcissistic family systems is that the most painful part is often not the narcissist, but the people who were supposed to protect them becoming instruments of the same harm.
Flying monkeys come in many forms:
- Witting flying monkeys are consciously aligned with the abuser’s agenda. They may be loyal friends, family members, or colleagues who knowingly spread misinformation or pressure the survivor.
- Unwitting flying monkeys act without full awareness. They genuinely believe the abuser’s narrative and think they’re helping, often repeating rehearsed phrases or concerns without questioning their source.
- Weaponized flying monkeys are strategically deployed by the abuser as part of a coordinated campaign. Their actions are part of a broader smear campaign designed to isolate and discredit the survivor.
Recognizing who is playing which role can be difficult, especially when the lines between genuine concern and manipulation blur. Samira’s story brings this complexity to life. Two months after separating from her ex, Samira, an appellate attorney, receives an unexpected email from their couples’ therapist. The therapist expresses concern about the “impact of sudden separation on therapeutic process,” referencing sessions Samira wasn’t privy to.
Her ex had sought therapy alone, positioning himself as the abandoned partner. The therapist, unknowingly caught in the abuser’s narrative, becomes a flying monkey. Samira reads the email, a sinking feeling settling in, realizing how exhaustive and thorough the campaign against her has been. The flying monkeys are not always friends or family; sometimes, they’re professionals who should be allies but become instruments of harm.
Distinguishing flying monkeys from truly supportive people requires clear boundaries and self-trust. It involves recognizing patterns of triangulation, narrative control, and repeated messaging that serve the abuser’s needs rather than your own wellbeing.
A smear campaign is a coordinated effort by an abusive person to damage the survivor’s reputation, credibility, and social relationships in anticipation of or response to the survivor’s exit.
In plain terms: The abuser tries to ruin your good name and turn others against you so you feel isolated and powerless.
Both/And: Those People May Genuinely Care About You. And Still Be Instruments of Harm
It’s tempting to think that anyone who reaches out with concern is on your side, but the reality is more complicated. Flying monkeys can genuinely care about you, even deeply, and still be caught in the abuser’s web. Their love and loyalty don’t exempt them from being used as tools of control.
Samira’s experience highlights this painful paradox. Her ex’s solo therapy sessions were unknown to her, and the therapist’s email was framed as professional concern. Yet, this outreach was part of a larger campaign to silence and confuse her. The therapist, without malice, became a flying monkey, an instrument in a narrative designed to invalidate Samira’s experience and maintain the abuser’s control.
This both/and reality requires survivors to hold complex emotions: grief for lost support, compassion for those caught in the middle, and fierce resolve to protect their own truth. It’s a grieving process for relationships that were real and meaningful, even if they became corrupted by abuse dynamics.
Understanding this complexity allows you to move beyond binary thinking, where people are either “good” or “bad”,and instead recognize the nuanced ways people can be manipulated, coerced, or misled. This awareness is crucial for healing and rebuilding authentic, safe connections.
The Systemic Lens: How Community and Social Reputation Are Used Against Survivors
Flying monkeys don’t operate in a vacuum. Their power is amplified by community dynamics and the weight of social reputation. In many driven and driven women’s worlds, reputation is currency, protecting it is paramount. Abusers know this and weaponize community structures, social expectations, and gossip networks to sabotage survivors.
Dr. Lundy Bancroft’s framework points to this systemic abuse: social reputation becomes a battleground. Survivors face a double bind, if they speak out, they risk being labeled unstable or vindictive; if they stay silent, their abuser’s narrative goes unchallenged.
This social entrapment is compounded by the stigma around relational trauma and abuse. Many communities lack the language or awareness to recognize these dynamics, making survivors vulnerable to disbelief and isolation. Even professional or peer groups can become hostile or dismissive, reinforcing the abuser’s control.
Understanding the systemic lens shifts the focus from individual relationships to the broader cultural and social forces at play. It highlights why rebuilding support requires more than just replacing “toxic” people, it demands cultivating new, trauma-informed communities that validate and empower survivors.
How to Protect Your Reality and Rebuild Genuine Support
Healing from flying monkey dynamics starts with protecting your reality. This means trusting your perceptions, setting firm boundaries, and creating a safe inner space where your truth is sacred.
Begin by mapping your social network. Identify who consistently supports your wellbeing and who may be entangled in the abuser’s narrative. This isn’t about cutting everyone out but discerning where your energy and trust are best invested.
Nothing was obviously wrong. Everything felt off.
A focused self-paced course on covert narcissism, gaslighting, and the subtle manipulation patterns that leave no obvious bruises and no clear villain. For when you need to name what happened before you can recover from it.
Next, develop clear communication boundaries. Limit information sharing with those who have shown susceptibility to manipulation. Use direct, grounded language that asserts your experience without needing others’ validation.
Rebuilding genuine support takes time and intentionality. Seek out trauma-informed therapists, peer support groups, and communities that understand relational trauma’s complexities. These spaces provide validation, tools, and connection that counteract isolation.
Practice self-compassion throughout this process. The loss of trusted relationships, especially when they turn into flying monkeys, is deeply painful. Allow yourself to grieve, to feel anger, and to heal at your own pace.
Eventually, as you rebuild your network and strengthen your boundaries, the flying monkeys’ influence diminishes. Your reality becomes your anchor, and your support system reflects your truth rather than the abuser’s control.
Remember, you don’t have to navigate this alone. Reaching out for help is a courageous and vital step toward reclaiming your life.
Healing is possible, and so is reclaiming your story.
If what you’ve read here resonates, I want you to know that individual therapy and executive coaching are available for driven women ready to do this work. You can also explore my self-paced recovery courses or schedule a complimentary consultation to find the right fit.
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Q: What are flying monkeys in a narcissistic relationship?
A: Flying monkeys are people who act on behalf of the narcissist to harass, manipulate, or isolate the survivor. They can be aware of their role or unknowingly manipulated into it. They spread the abuser’s narrative and help maintain control, making recovery more complicated.
Q: How do I know if someone is a flying monkey for my ex?
A: Look for patterns of repeated messages that echo your ex’s narrative, sudden shifts in tone or behavior without explanation, and triangulation tactics like involving third parties in your conflicts. If they pressure you to doubt yourself or isolate you from support, they might be flying monkeys.
Q: Should I try to educate the flying monkeys about what really happened?
A: Often, flying monkeys are deeply entangled in the abuser’s narrative and may resist hearing your side. Educating them can sometimes backfire or deepen conflict. Focus on protecting your boundaries and seeking support from people who are open and trustworthy instead.
Q: How do I handle a friend who has become a flying monkey?
A: Set clear boundaries and limit your interactions with them. Protect your emotional energy and avoid engaging in arguments or justifications. If possible, gently express your feelings, but prioritize your wellbeing over trying to change their allegiance.
Q: Is it possible that the people acting as flying monkeys don’t know they’re being used?
A: Yes, many flying monkeys are unwitting participants who believe they are acting in your best interest or according to the truth they’ve been told. Understanding this can help you process feelings of betrayal with more nuance and compassion.
Q: How do I rebuild my support network after flying monkeys isolated me?
A: Focus on finding trauma-informed support through therapists, support groups, and communities that understand relational trauma. Be patient with the process, prioritize self-care, and gradually build relationships founded on trust and respect.
Q: Can flying monkeys be family members, not just friends?
A: Absolutely. Family members, colleagues, therapists, and even casual acquaintances can become flying monkeys if they are co-opted into the abuser’s narrative or manipulation tactics.
Related Reading
Bancroft, Lundy. Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Berkley Books, 2002.
Stark, Evan, PhD. Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life. Oxford University Press, 2007.
Freyd, Jennifer. Betrayal Trauma: The Logic of Forgetting Childhood Abuse. Harvard University Press, 1996.
Herman, Judith Lewis. Trauma and Recovery. Basic Books, 1992.
References
Peer-Reviewed Research (Vancouver)
- Gómez JM, Smith CP, Gobin RL, Tang SS, Freyd JJ. Collusion, torture, and inequality: Understanding the actions of the American Psychological Association as institutional betrayal. J Trauma Dissociation. 2016;17(5):527-544. PMID: 27427782.
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Annie Wright, LMFT
LMFT · Relational Trauma Specialist · W.W. Norton Author
Helping driven women finally feel as good as their résumé looks.
Annie Wright is a licensed psychotherapist (LMFT #95719) and trauma-informed executive coach with over 15,000 clinical hours. She works with driven women. Including Silicon Valley leaders, physicians, and entrepreneurs. In repairing the psychological foundations beneath their impressive lives. Annie is the founder and former CEO of Evergreen Counseling, a multimillion-dollar trauma-informed therapy center she built, scaled, and successfully exited. A regular contributor to Psychology Today, her expert commentary has appeared in Forbes, Business Insider, Inc., NBC, and The Information. She is currently writing her first book with W.W. Norton.
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Creator of House of Life™ and Fixing the Foundations™
The Everything Years (W.W. Norton)
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Regular contributor to Psychology Today. Expert commentary has appeared in Forbes, Business Insider, Inc., NBC, and The Information.
