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Annie Wright, LMFT

Licensed psychotherapist serving individuals, couples, and families from the Bay Area and beyond.

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Jul 10, 2016

99 Questions to Strengthen the Emotional Intimacy of Your Relationship.

Romantic Relationships
99 Questions to Strengthen the Emotional Intimacy of Your Relationship. | Annie Wright, LMFT | www.anniewright.com

Remember those early days of a new relationship, when you’re both staring star-struck at each other across the restaurant table and dreamily fantasizing and talking together about your similarities, goals, and visions for your life? Remember how easy and intuitive it was to ask deep, probing, intimate questions of one another? Remember how close and connected you felt to your honey? Remember what this level of emotional intimacy felt like?

You two were getting to know each other’s internal worlds deeply and that hungry and loving exploration, discovery, and curiosity likely created a strong sense of emotional intimacy between you two, didn’t it?

And yet, if you’re like most long-term couples, over time once the honeymoon phase of your relationship wanes, that same level of newness, curiosity and provocative question-asking of one another can often give way. Instead, many of us slip into end-of-day chats and gripes about work, exchanges about to-do’s and chores, and “what should we do about dinner tonight?” and “what do you want to watch on Netflix” type-dialogue.

99 Questions to Strengthen the Emotional Intimacy of Your Relationship. | Annie Wright, LMFT | www.anniewright.com

99 Questions to Strengthen the Emotional Intimacy of Your Relationship.

Sound familiar?

Now please understand, there’s nothing inherently wrong with this. But often, at least for many couples I see in my couples counseling practice, this lack of engaging dialogue with one another can sometimes lead to a decline in emotional intimacy and feelings of connection with one another – the very lifeblood and juice of a relationship.

The reality is, getting to know your partner’s internal world is important, not only for the sake of better understanding the person you’re sharing your life with but also because it can lead to a significant increase in your emotional intimacy with one another and a strengthening of your relationship overall.

Indeed, in his extensive research, preeminent couples researcher Dr. John Gottman has found that emotionally intelligent and successful couples are intimately familiar with each other’s worlds. But for most of us in our relationships, over time, this discovery and cultivation of one another’s internal worlds stop being such a high priority.

That’s why I wanted to create a list of 99 questions and conversation starters – in part inspired by my understanding of Dr. Gottman’s concept of Love Maps and also partly inspired by this post, “Save Your Relationships: Ask the Right Questions” of Glennon Melton Doyle of Momastery – to help you and your beloved begin to have some more dynamic, probing conversations to help strengthen and support the emotional intimacy between you. 

So read on for a list of 99 questions and conversation starters you can explore with your honey to help strengthen the emotional intimacy of your relationship. Also, if you would like support in setting healthy boundaries and navigating tough conversations, please be sure to explore my signature online course, Hard Families, Good Boundaries. 

99 Questions to Help Strengthen the Emotional Intimacy of Your Relationship.

Okay, caveat, in no way am I saying, sit your honey down and plow through this list together. That might be exhausting and likely have the opposite effect of bringing you closer.

What I’m instead inviting you to do is peruse this list, see what strikes your fancy, and then perhaps the next time you and your honey are stuck in traffic or out for a restaurant meal together, call on one of these questions to invite some new, potentially enriching conversation into your relationship. 

See what happens when you change the dance steps of your everyday conversation and get deeply curious about that other person across from you, the person you think you know so well but who might have some surprising answers to these questions. See how this impacts the emotional intimacy between you two.

And please, use this list purely as a starting point for generating and brainstorming your own rich and dynamic questions. There are a million things you could ask your honey, and this list of 99 is only meant to be a jumping-off point. Sound good? Great. Enjoy the 99 emotional intimacy questions.

  1. What do you remember thinking to yourself the first time you saw me?
  2. When did you know you were in love with me?
  3. What are three qualities about me that you were first attracted to?
  4. What are three of your happiest memories of our early days together?
  5. Is there a smell or a sound that you remember from those early days that still makes you smile?
  6. If our love story was a movie, what movie does it most closely resemble?
  7. What was your favorite date that we ever had? What made it so special for you?
  8. Do you have a favorite adventure that we took together? What made it your favorite?
  9. How and when did you know we’d make it as a couple?
  10. What are three strengths you see between us that we possess as a team?
  11. What’s your very favorite memory of me?
  12. How did you know you wanted to be with me? Did it happen in a moment or over time?
  13. How do I make you feel especially loved in our relationship?
  14. What are some of the little things I do that kind of drive you nuts but also that you secretly like about me?
  15. What’s your favorite sexual memory of us? Or top three memories?
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  1. Kent R Beduhn says

    Thank you for your delightful and inspirational list.

    Here’s another one, after barrowing from your list to work with my couples, or individuals in couples relationships:
    How do you feel when we are creating the best kind of life we can take positive risks in? What are we likely to be doing then? What are some of the positive risks we can move ahead with?
    Best,
    Kent Beduhn, LCSW-C

    Reply

    • Annie says

      Thank you so much for your kind words, Kent. I’m so glad the article resonated with you as a fellow mental health professional! I so appreciate you sharing your insights, and think the questions you pose are wonderful and would lead to the dynamic, probing conversations that work to strengthen relationships.

      Thank you so much for sharing and for stopping by the blog.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Sheila, I’m so happy you enjoyed the questions! Thank you for leaving a comment and have a wonderful week. Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Teresa, I’m so pleased you’re loving the questions! I appreciate you taking the time to write in. Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Alexander, I’m so pleased you enjoyed these questions! Thank you for leaving a comment and have a wonderful week. Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Ely, I’m so happy you found the questions interesting! Thank you for leaving a comment and have a wonderful week. Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Liana, I’m so happy to hear that, and I’m honored you used these questions! Happy anniversary! Warmly, Annie

      Reply

  11. Arthur says

    Me and my the other half thoroughly enjoyed the questions. Thank you so much for that! How can we access the other 84 questions?

    Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Sara, I’m so pleased you enjoyed the questions! I hope you have a wonderful week. Please take such good care of yourself. Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Kristian, I’m so pleased that you enjoyed these. Have a wonderful week, I’m wishing you my best. Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Joy, it’s wonderful to hear that you enjoyed the questions. It’s always fun to learn new things about our partner. Hope you have a wonderful week. Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Kenell, I’m please you enjoyed the questions! Thank you for leaving a comment, and please take such good care of yourself. Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Shai, I’m so pleased you enjoyed the questions and that they felt helpful to you! It’s fun exploring new topics with your partner. It’s like you’re getting to know them all over again. I’m sending you all my best, thank you so much for your comment. Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Jess, I’m so pleased you enjoyed the questions. It’s always fun to learn more about our partners and I’m happy you’re able to use this as a starting point. Thank you for leaving a comment. I’m wishing you all my best. Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Melissa, You’re so welcome! I hope this list can be a fun and insightful activity for you and your partner to enjoy. Take such good care of yourself. Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Rachel,

      I’m so glad you’re enjoying the questions! Thank you for leaving the comment and have a wonderful week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Lindsay,

      Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment, I am so glad you are enjoying these questions! Have a wonderful week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Gerlisa,

      I’m so glad you are enjoying the questions! Thanks for taking the time to comment, have a great week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Shannon,

      You’re welcome! I’m so glad you enjoyed the questions, thank you for taking the time to comment. Sending you my best.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Lweendo,

      Thank you for taking the time to comment, I’m so glad you enjoyed these questions! I hope you have a great week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi,

      Thanks for your comment, I’m so glad you found these questions helpful! Have a wonderful week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

  28. Kim Aulick says

    My significant other has Aspergers (autism spectrum disorder) so struggles immensely with intimacy/communication. I’m hoping this will help him express himself and help us feel more connected.

    Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Kim,

      Thank you for your comment! I truly hope that you and your partner find these questions helpful in strengthening your connection. Have a wonderful week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Steeve,

      Thanks for your comment, I’m so pleased that you’re finding these questions helpful! Have a great week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Hannah,

      I’m happy to hear that you are enjoying the questions! Take care of yourself and have a wonderful week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Paris,

      I’m so pleased that you enjoyed the questions! Thanks for your comment and have a great week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Jasmine,

      Thank you for taking the time to comment, I’m so glad you’re enjoying the questions! Have a great week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Sofi,

      Thank you for your comment! I’m so pleased that you are enjoying these questions and I hope they are helpful to you. Have a wonderful week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Michael,

      Thank you for taking the time to comment. I hope your friend enjoys these questions and finds them helpful! Have a wonderful week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Lisa,

      Thanks for your comment, I’m so pleased that you are enjoying the questions! Have a wonderful week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Diamond,

      Thank you so much for your comment! I’m so glad that you’re enjoying the questions and that they feel helpful. I hope you have a wonderful week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Sunny,

      Thanks for taking the time to comment, I’m so pleased that you love these questions! I hope that they are helpful to you. Have a great week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Gabrielle,

      Thanks for taking the time to comment, I’m so pleased that you are enjoying the questions!

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Sabra,

      Thank you for your comment! I hope that you and your love find these questions helpful. Have a wonderful week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Jess,

      Thanks for your comment and I’m so pleased that you are enjoying the questions! Have a wonderful week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Vale,

      Thanks for taking the time to comment. I’m so pleased that you enjoyed these questions! Have a wonderful week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Jenna,

      Thanks for taking the time to comment, I’m glad you enjoyed these questions! Have a wonderful week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

  55. Spencer says

    Thank you for your delightful and inspirational list.

    Here’s another one, after barrowing from your list to work with my couples, or individuals in couples relationships:
    How do you feel when we are creating the best kind of life we can take positive risks in? What are we likely to be doing then? What are some of the positive risks we can move ahead with?

    Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Spencer,

      Thank you for this kind comment. I’m glad that these questions feel helpful in your couples work and I appreciate your sharing your own additions! Have a wonderful week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Mike,

      Thanks for taking the time to comment, I’m so pleased that you enjoyed the questions! Have a great week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Payton,

      I’m so glad you enjoyed these questions and I hope they were able to provide that connection. Sending my best.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Mercedies,

      Thanks for your comment, I’m so pleased that you’re enjoying the questions! Have a great week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Vaibhavi,

      Thanks for taking the time to comment, I’m so glad you enjoyed the questions! Have a wonderful week ahead.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Tiffany,

      Thanks for taking the time to comment. I truly hope these questions feel helpful to both you and your spouse. Sending you both my very best.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Kelvin,

      Thanks for taking the time to comment, I’m so glad you enjoyed the questions! Have a wonderful week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi John,

      I’m glad you enjoyed the questions! Thanks for taking the time to comment, have a great week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Dea,

      Thank you for your comment and you’re so welcome! I hope the questions were helpful to you. Take care.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

  75. Blessing Masuku says

    I’m looking forward to starting with these! My relationship is still new and I think this would help.

    Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Blessing,

      Thanks for taking the time to comment, I hope you enjoy the questions! Have a wonderful week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Ann,

      Thanks for commenting! I’m so glad you’re enjoying the questions, have a wonderful week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Jaz,

      I’m glad you enjoyed this! Thanks for taking the time to comment and have a wonderful week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Joanne,

      Thanks for your comment, I’m so pleased you enjoyed the questions! Have a wonderful week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Amanfa,

      I appreciate your taking the time to comment and am glad you enjoyed the questions! Have a great week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Kristin,

      Thanks for taking the time to comment, I’m so glad these were helpful! Have a wonderful week ahead.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

  89. Kat says

    Thank you for these questions! My partner and I have connected even more after talking about these.

    Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Kat,

      I’m thrilled to hear that these questions were helpful! Thanks for taking the time to comment, have a lovely week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Lauren,

      I’m so pleased that you’re enjoying these questions! Have a wonderful week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Lucy,

      Thanks for taking the time to comment, I’m so pleased you enjoyed the questions! Have a wonderful week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Zariin,

      I appreciate your comment and am so pleased these felt helpful! Have a great week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Ann,

      Thanks for taking the time to comment – I’m so glad you enjoyed the questions! Have a great week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Sharon,

      Thanks for taking the time to comment! I hope these questions feel helpful to you.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Alisha,

      Thanks for commenting, I’m glad you’re enjoying the questions! Have a wonderful week.

      Warmly Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Heather,

      You’re so welcome, I hope you enjoy these question! Have a wonderful week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

  98. Jake says

    Love this idea so much that we started a notebook that so i can ask her questions similar to these and she answers my question then she has the opportunity to ask a question i must answer.

    Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Jake,

      Thanks for taking the time to comment and what a wonderful idea the “question notebook” is! Have a great week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Nikki,

      Thanks for taking the time to comment, I hope you enjoy the questions! Sending my best.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Stephanie,

      You are very welcome! I hope these questions feel helpful. Have a great week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Brittany,

      Thanks for taking the time to comment, I hope these questions are helpful.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Brooke,

      Thanks for taking the time to comment and I hope these questions help you create that connection!

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Daijah,

      Thanks for your comment, I hope you and your partner enjoy the questions! Have a great week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Hailey,

      Thanks for taking the time to comment, I hope you enjoy the questions! Have a wonderful week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Sarah,

      Thanks for taking the time to comment! I’m so glad these questions feel helpful.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Alli,

      I’m so pleased these questions resonated with you, I hope you’ll find them helpful!

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Rachel,

      I’m so glad these questions resonated with you! I hope they feel helpful to you and your partner. Have a wonderful week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Trina,

      Thanks so much for reaching out, I’ve just emailed those to you. Have a wonderful week!

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Regina,

      Thanks for commenting, I hope both your and your partner find these questions helpful! Have a wonderful week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Ria,

      I’m glad you and your partner enjoyed the questions and I hope they felt helpful! Have a wonderful week.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Dee,

      Thanks for taking the time to comment, I’m so glad that you enjoyed the questions! Take care.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Joy,

      Thanks for taking the time to comment – I hope these questions felt helpful to you! Take good care of yourself.

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

    • Annie says

      Hi Erika,

      Thanks for taking the time to comment, I’m so pleased that you enjoyed the questions!

      Warmly, Annie

      Reply

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