We also explored how and why those cracks may be unfelt and unknown for some time in adolescence and young adulthood. And how they begin to be more visible and more known when an individual arrives into their 30’s and 40’s and begins to experience the pressures of the passage of time and common developmental milestones of these decades.

In today’s essay, the second in the series, we’ll explore two examples that make concrete this abstract idea of how faulty cracks begin to show in the 30’s and 40’s. We’ll also explore how it’s possible to fix cracks in faulty foundations and why it’s so important to do so.

And, very importantly, I want you to know that if you live here in California, me and my team at my boutique therapy center – Evergreen Counseling – are proverbial foundation repair experts. 

Working with individuals who come from relational trauma histories is what we do all day, every day. So if you identify with any piece of this article series, we would be honored to be of support to you.

So all of this to say, please feel free to email me personally if you would like some expert support after reading this essay.

Examples of how faulty trauma foundations may be tested in the 30’s and 40’s.

We’ve been talking metaphorically and abstractly about proverbial foundations and proverbial houses, cracks and stress tests so let me share some examples of what this can look like.

Imagine, if you will, a little girl who had a father with Anti Social Personality Disorder. And a depressed mother prone to suicide attempts (and near-constant suicidal ideation). 

Raised by personality and mood-disordered parents, this little girl would have had a childhood colored by relational trauma.

Her lived experience in childhood would, of course, have taught her that relationships are not safe. And, in fact, could be downright dangerous. 

For this young girl, it would be wise and self-preserving of her to withdraw from relationships. Especially her parents but likely others, too. To protect herself and her trauma foundations. And get through childhood and adolescence as unscathed as possible. 

She would have learned (unconsciously) introjects and beliefs such as, “Relationship = danger.” Or, “Relationships are not safe.” And perhaps, “I am safe if I am by myself. Other people can’t be trusted.”

And so she develops an attachment wound. 

She develops avoidant attachment beliefs and behaviors as a protective function.

Again, this makes perfect sense given the conditions she experienced. 

So let’s say she ages up through childhood and into middle school and high school.