If you, like so many people, have a strained, estranged, brittle, broken, or otherwise painful relationship with your mother, you’re not alone. For you, this day may feel especially hard this year.
If you’ve been following my work for any time, you may know I often write about the impacts of being raised by a personality-disordered father figure.
But what if your mother was the one with a personality disorder?
What might the impacts be on you if your mom was the unstable, chaotic, unreliable parent?
What if your mom was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder or evidenced many of the traits (if not formally diagnosed)?
I want to offer a wider lens on the circumstances that can contribute to complex relational trauma. If being raised by a borderline mother is one of the primary reasons Mother’s Day feels so hard—this year and every year—I hope this helps you feel seen and validated. Please join me as I unpack this experience and explore the lasting impacts it may have had on you.
(And, PS, keep reading until the end of the post. I put together a list of other posts and resources if Mother’s Day feels hard for you this year.)
What is Borderline Personality Disorder?
“It was a sort of love few other people could understand. It was total and it was overwhelming and it could be cruel.” ― Cassandra Clare
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (the bedrock clinical manual of the mental health field).
If you’re interested in reading the full criterion of the disorder, you can do so here.
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition marked by emotional lability, or difficulty regulating emotions. It often includes an unstable sense of self and significant challenges in forming and maintaining relationships. People with BPD may also struggle with erratic, sometimes self-harming behaviors and impulses.
And, it’s worth noting, BPD is relatively common.
It’s estimated that 1.6% of the adult U.S. population has BPD. But that number may be as high as 5.9% and of those diagnosed, nearly 75% are women.
Given these statistics, it’s clear that this pattern shows up often. This is also what I’ve seen in over a decade of doing this work. It’s far more common for patients to present with mothers who have BPD than fathers.
