
The Enabling Parent: Why Your Other Parent Didn’t Protect You
Here’s what this post explores: the painful and under-discussed reality of the parent who watched, stayed silent, and failed to protect you from a sociopathic partner. It walks through the psychological dynamics of enabling, the complex grief involved, and the systemic pressures that shape these parental failures. Grounded in trauma research and clinical insight, it offers a compassionate framework for understanding and healing.
Last reviewed: June 2026 by Annie Wright, LMFT
- The Quiet Witness: A Moment of Reckoning
- What Is an Enabling Parent?
- The Neurobiology and Clinical Reality of Enabling
- How Enabling Shows Up in Driven Women
- The Anatomy of an Enabling Marriage
- Both/And: Your Other Parent Was a Victim AND Your Other Parent Failed You
- The Systemic Lens: Why Mothers Are Held to Higher Protective Standards Than Fathers
- How to Heal / Path Forward
- Frequently Asked Questions
An enabling parent is the non-abusive caregiver who witnesses mistreatment, stays silent, and fails to protect the child from the other parent’s harmful or abusive behavior. The enabling parent is often themselves a victim of the same controlling or sociopathic partner, which creates a Both/And reality: they were trapped, and they also failed you. This distinction matters clinically because blaming only the abusive parent while idealizing the enabling one leaves a significant wound unprocessed. In my work with driven women, the grief about the enabling parent is often harder to reach than anger at the abuser.
In short: An enabling parent is the caregiver who stayed silent or looked away while mistreatment occurred, failing to protect the child even when they witnessed the harm directly.
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In more than 15,000 clinical hours, I’ve found that the enabling parent’s failure is one of the most consistently under-examined wounds adult survivors carry, often the wound that keeps therapy stuck. Judith Herman, MD, psychiatrist and trauma researcher at Harvard Medical School, documented how witnessing without intervening constitutes a form of betrayal that compounds the original harm (Herman 1992).
The Quiet Witness: A Moment of Reckoning
It’s 7:32 p.m. on a dreary Tuesday evening in late November. Maya, a 41-year-old anesthesiologist, sits alone in her small kitchen, the chipped ceramic mug she’s had since residency going cold on the counter, the soft hum of the refrigerator filling the silence. The phone screen glows cold blue in her hand as she listens to her mother’s voice, now tentative and raw. The woman who once shielded her from the storm is finally naming the cruelty, her father’s cruelty, that Maya lived with but was never protected from.
“I knew,” her mother says, and the words land like something physical. “I knew what he did to you at the dinner table, the way he’d go quiet and cold, and I told myself it was easier if I just kept the peace. I thought if I stayed calm, if I didn’t make it worse, you’d be safer. I didn’t know. I mean, I knew. I don’t know why I didn’t do something. I don’t know why I didn’t do something.”
Maya’s fingers tighten around the phone. The weight of decades presses down, a quiet ache that she has carried alone until now. She doesn’t say anything for a long moment. Her mother’s hesitant confessions pierce the quiet, revealing a truth long buried beneath years of silence. Maya realizes her mother always knew. Always saw more than she said. And yet, she did nothing.
When I sat with Maya two weeks later and she recounted that call, I felt something settle low in my chest, a mixture of recognition and grief that I’ve come to know well in this work. Not surprise. Something quieter. The particular ache of watching a woman finally receive the confirmation she spent forty years building a career, a marriage, an entire adult life around not needing.
What I’ve come to think of as the confirmation wound is distinct from the original wound of the abuse itself. It’s the moment an adult child learns, often decades later and often by accident, that the parent who was supposed to be safe had actually known the whole time. This moment, heavy and fragile, is the starting point for untangling the complex wound of the enabling parent: the parent who watched, who stayed silent, who chose comfort over confrontation. The parent who didn’t protect her.
In this post, we will explore the anatomy of enabling, the psychological and systemic forces at play, and the difficult path toward understanding and healing. What does it mean to have a parent who was both a victim and a bystander? How does this shape the pressures and grief carried well into adulthood? And how might the driven women who read this begin to reclaim their truth?
What Is an Enabling Parent?
Clinically, an enabling parent is one who, often unconsciously, permits or facilitates harmful behavior by the other parent, usually a sociopathic partner, by failing to intervene or protect the child. This dynamic is not simply neglect or absence, but a complex psychological pattern involving denial, avoidance, and sometimes active collusion.
A caregiver who allows or fails to prevent harmful behavior by another parent, often due to emotional dependency, fear, or trauma history. This concept has been described in family systems therapy and trauma literature, emphasizing the role of denial and learned helplessness in perpetuating abuse environments (Lundy Bancroft, MA, author and expert on domestic abuse dynamics).
In plain terms: This is the parent who saw what was happening but chose to look away, or felt powerless to stop it. They didn’t protect you, not because they didn’t love you, but because they were trapped in their own difficult dynamics.
In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-5-TR), enabling itself is not a diagnosis but a pattern often associated with families where one parent displays Antisocial Personality Disorder or other sociopathic traits. The enabling parent’s role is critical because their silence or inaction creates the environment in which abuse or coercive control can persist.
Understanding enabling requires looking closely at both the psychological defenses that maintain it and the relational context, often a marriage or partnership where power, fear, and trauma histories collide.
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The Neurobiology and Clinical Reality of Enabling
Understanding why an enabling parent remains silent or passive in the face of a sociopathic partner’s harmful behaviors means looking closely at the neurobiology of trauma and attachment. I keep returning to Judith Herman, MD, psychiatrist and Harvard Medical School professor, and her observation that trauma bonding occurs when victims form intense emotional ties to their abusers as a survival strategy. This paradoxical attachment is reinforced by intermittent kindness and abuse, creating a neurochemical cycle that’s difficult to break. Clinically, this is called an intermittent reinforcement loop. In plain terms, it works the way a slot machine works on the brain, the unpredictability of the payout is exactly what keeps a person pulling the lever. On an ordinary Tuesday afternoon inside that marriage, this can look like an enabling parent staying through years of cruelty because of the two good weeks that follow every bad one, the flowers, the apology, the version of the partner who briefly seems like the man she married. Mary Main, PhD, whose foundational work on adult attachment styles reveals how early relational patterns shape adult responses, helps explain why enabling parents often replicate dynamics from their own childhoods, especially if they grew up with narcissistic or sociopathic caregivers.
Martin Seligman’s research on learned helplessness is the one I find myself explaining to clients most often, because it reframes something they’ve spent years calling weakness. His original experiments showed that repeated exposure to uncontrollable stressors can leave a person, or an animal, in a state where they stop trying to escape even once escape becomes possible. Applied here, that means the enabling parent’s stillness isn’t necessarily an absence of care. It’s a brain that has adapted to expect futility, the same way you might stop checking a stove burner you know has been broken for years, even after someone finally fixes it. This isn’t about weakness. It’s a survival response that becomes ingrained, making resistance to the sociopath’s control feel impossible from the inside.
Jennifer Freyd’s theory of betrayal trauma is the framework that changed how I think about this entire dynamic. She emphasizes that enabling parents may unconsciously suppress awareness of their partner’s abuses to preserve essential attachment bonds. This is a covert contract: “I won’t see what’s happening to my child if you let me keep my comfort.” That contract, while deeply damaging, is a psychological shield that protects the enabling parent from overwhelming fear, shame, and isolation.
Put plainly, enabling parents are often trapped in a web of survival mechanisms shaped by trauma, attachment, and the brain’s response to chronic stress. Their failure to protect is not simply a moral failing but a deeply human response to impossible circumstances.
In the context of an enabling parent, learned helplessness may show up as emotional paralysis, where the parent feels trapped in a coercive or abusive relationship and believes that intervening would lead to worse outcomes for themselves or their child.
Judith Herman, MD, psychiatrist and Harvard Medical School professor, author of Trauma and Recovery, is a text I return to often because it holds the complexity of trauma within family systems without flattening it. Enabling parents often carry their own histories of trauma, which impair their capacity for protective action. This intergenerational transmission of trauma creates a cycle in which the enabling parent is simultaneously a victim and a perpetrator of neglect.
A psychological condition in which a person exposed to repeated adverse events beyond their control comes to believe they are powerless to change their situation, even when escape is possible. Originally identified and studied by Martin Seligman, PhD, psychologist and professor at the University of Pennsylvania.
In plain terms: It’s like feeling stuck in quicksand. Even if you could get out, you don’t try, because you’ve learned that nothing you do will help. For an enabling parent, this means staying silent or inactive, not because they want to, but because they feel they have no real choice.
Mary Main, PhD, psychologist and pioneer of adult attachment research, shows how early attachment disruptions affect adult relational patterns. Many enabling parents grew up with their own sociopathic or narcissistic parents, impacting their ability to respond protectively to their child’s distress. This attachment trauma shapes their capacity to see and act on abuse within their own family.
Patrick Carnes, PhD, expert on trauma and addiction, describes the “covert contract” that often exists in enabling marriages: an unspoken agreement where the enabling parent tolerates the sociopathic partner’s behavior in exchange for preserving some semblance of stability or comfort. This contract cements silence around abuse in the family system.
Jennifer Freyd, PhD, psychologist and researcher who coined the term betrayal trauma, emphasizes how betrayal within trusted relationships leads to dissociation and memory suppression. The enabling parent’s silence can be understood as a survival strategy in a betrayal trauma dynamic, where acknowledging harm threatens the entire family system’s coherence.
How Enabling Shows Up in Driven Women
Sonia is 48, a managing director at a mid-size investment firm, seated at a bustling Sunday brunch in San Francisco with her husband and two friends from business school. It’s early spring, the kind of bright, cold morning that makes the whole city squint. Her signet ring, the one she inherited from her grandmother and wears on her right hand, catches the light as she reaches for her water glass. The clatter of plates and low murmur of conversation surround her, but her attention has drifted, fixed on the half-eaten quiche in front of her. A sudden memory slices through her thoughts: the silence that filled every dinner in her childhood home.
“I used to think our house was just quiet,” she tells me, weeks later, turning the ring on her finger the way she does when she’s working something loose. “Like, other families yelled, and we didn’t, and I thought that meant we were fine. It took me until I was in my forties to understand that quiet isn’t the same as safe. My mother never said one word when he’d go cold at the table, when he’d do that thing with his voice that made everyone shrink. She just kept passing the potatoes. I don’t know if I’m angrier at him or at her. I think I might be angrier at her, and I hate that.”
Sitting with Sonia that afternoon, I felt the particular heaviness I’ve come to associate with driven women describing their enabling parent. It isn’t the sharp grief of naming the sociopathic parent’s cruelty. It’s duller and it sits lower, closer to shame, because the enabling parent so rarely gets named as a source of harm at all.
In my work with clients like Sonia, I see this pattern often: a driven woman whose external success, the managing director title, the corner office, the brunch with the right people, masks an internal reckoning with a parent who enabled a sociopath. What I’ve come to call the potatoes reflex, the enabling parent’s habit of performing normalcy through small domestic gestures while the real damage happens in plain sight, creates a fractured sense of safety in the child, a betrayal that complicates attachment and trust well into adulthood. Her husband’s voice cuts back in, asking if she wants more coffee. Sonia nods, and the brunch continues, and the quiche stays half-eaten.
This clinical pattern, enabling through silence and denial, often leaves adult children grappling with mixed loyalties and complicated grief. These women search for solid ground beneath lives marked by milestones and trauma reckoning, as described in the betrayal trauma framework.
The Anatomy of an Enabling Marriage
The anatomy of an enabling marriage between a non-sociopathic adult and a sociopathic partner is complex and often rooted in overlapping trauma histories. The enabling parent frequently brings their own unresolved attachment wounds into the marriage, sometimes having been raised by narcissistic or sociopathic parents themselves. This background can create a susceptibility to trauma bonding, a psychological phenomenon where the non-sociopathic partner becomes emotionally entangled with the sociopath despite the harm inflicted.
Lundy Bancroft’s work on abusive relationships highlights how enabling spouses may employ learned helplessness, a concept developed by Martin Seligman, to rationalize their inaction. They may feel trapped in a system where attempts to intervene have been met with manipulation or threats, which builds a silent agreement that prioritizes the status quo over confrontation. This dynamic is often underscored by what trauma clinicians call the “covert contract”: an unspoken bargain where the enabling parent chooses to ignore the sociopath’s behaviors to maintain their own emotional or financial stability.
It’s important to recognize that this enabling is not born of ignorance but a survival strategy within a dysfunctional marital system. The enabling parent’s silence often perpetuates the sociopath’s control, deepening the child’s wound. For a deeper understanding of sociopath dynamics in families, see Sociopath in the Family.
Sonia returned to this territory in our fourth month of work, months after the brunch where the memory first surfaced. “My parents were married thirty-one years,” she said, turning the signet ring again, that specific rotation I’d come to recognize as her way of thinking with her hands. “Everyone at the funeral kept saying what a devoted wife my mother was. And I sat there thinking, devoted to what. Devoted to keeping the peace. Devoted to not seeing.” Her marriage, an anatomy of its own, had taught her mother the covert contract long before Sonia was born, and Sonia was the one who inherited the cost of it.
Post-divorce or after the sociopathic partner’s death, the enabling parent may finally have the opportunity to confront truths that were too painful or dangerous to face before. However, honesty is not guaranteed, and the complicated grief of loving a parent who failed to protect can linger, leaving adult children caught between loyalty and the need for truthful acknowledgment.
Enabling marriages are often invisible to outsiders. They can appear stable, even functional, while concealing a volatile or abusive undercurrent. Lundy Bancroft, MA, author and specialist in domestic abuse dynamics, explains that the enabling spouse frequently has a history of trauma or attachment disruption that predisposes them to tolerate coercive control.
Within these marriages, the enabling partner may engage in what Bancroft calls “the covert contract”: an unspoken deal where the enabling parent agrees to overlook or minimize the sociopathic partner’s abusive behavior in exchange for personal survival or family preservation.
This dynamic is reinforced by learned helplessness. The enabling parent may feel trapped, unable to envision a safe exit or fearing the consequences of intervention. They might rationalize their inaction as protecting the family or preventing worse harm.
“The enabling parent’s silence is often a survival strategy,” Bancroft writes. “It’s a way to keep the family intact, but at great cost to the child’s safety and emotional wellbeing.”
“I felt a Cleaving in my Mind, / As if my Brain had split, / I tried to match it, Seam by Seam, / But could not make them fit.”
Emily Dickinson, Poet, “I felt a Cleaving in my Mind”
Enabling marriages also create a fertile ground for trauma bonding, a clinical term describing the strong emotional attachment between victim and abuser, fueled by intermittent reinforcement of kindness and cruelty. The enabling parent may themselves be bonded to the sociopathic partner through trauma, complicating their ability to act protectively.
Once divorce or death ends the marriage, the enabling parent may face a new opportunity for honesty. Yet, this often triggers complicated grief, mourning not only the loss of the partner but also the loss of the protective role they never fulfilled. Adult children must move through this fraught territory, balancing their own need for truth with compassion for the parent’s struggle.
This anatomy of enabling marriages sheds light on why the non-sociopathic parent didn’t protect you, and why understanding this complexity matters so much in your healing process.
Both/And: Your Other Parent Was a Victim AND Your Other Parent Failed You
It’s tempting to see the ‘other parent’ as either a villain or a victim, but the truth usually lies in a painful middle ground. Your other parent was both a victim AND a failure, a complex reality that refuses easy categorization. Think back to Maya on that November phone call with her widowed mother, who, for the first time, openly describes the father’s cruelty. Maya hears the quiet admissions and realizes her mother always knew but chose silence. The room feels heavy, the weight of unspoken truths palpable.
Or picture Sonia at Sunday brunch, mid-bite, struck by the sudden clarity that the silence at every childhood dinner was not accidental but a conscious choice made by the other parent. The sensory details, a clink of silverware, the hum of nearby conversations, contrast sharply with the internal storm of betrayal and grief. This Both/And framing honors the painful duality: your other parent was trapped by their own trauma and fears, yet their inaction left wounds that never fully heal.
Jennifer Freyd’s betrayal trauma theory helps us understand this dual role; the enabling parent’s denial serves as a protection mechanism, but it also perpetuates harm. Judith Herman reminds us that healing requires acknowledging this complexity without excusing the failure. This complex view encourages adult children to integrate conflicting feelings of love, anger, and sorrow, building a path toward reconciliation that includes truth and compassion.
Six weeks into our work together, Maya kept circling back to that same kitchen, that same mug, in the language she used in session. “I keep thinking about how many times she must have refilled that coffee pot while pretending nothing was happening,” she said one Thursday, turning her wedding ring the way her mother used to turn hers. “I’m not ready to forgive her. But I don’t think I want to hate her either. I don’t know what’s in between those two things yet.” That not knowing, that refusal to collapse into either forgiveness or hatred, is exactly where the both/and work happens.
This both/and framing refuses the false binary that someone is either innocent or guilty. It allows for a compassionate, yet truthful, reckoning. In my clinical work, this complexity helps clients untangle their loyalty binds and begin to separate their parent’s pain from their own.
Understanding that your other parent was caught in their own survival struggles, while also acknowledging the real harm their inaction caused, is essential. It’s the foundation of a both/and approach where healing becomes possible without sacrificing truth.
This perspective aligns with the conceptual framework in Annie Wright’s forthcoming book *The Everything Years*, which names the thirties as the pressure-cooker decade for confronting these deep family dynamics.
The Systemic Lens: Why Mothers Are Held to Higher Protective Standards Than Fathers
Society often holds mothers to a much higher standard when it comes to protection and caregiving. The cultural script assumes mothers are the primary guardians of children’s safety. Fathers, particularly those with sociopathic traits, may be excused or overlooked due to patriarchal norms that minimize accountability.
You can feel this bias in small, specific places long before you can name it as systemic. It’s in the pediatrician who asks the mother, not the father, why the child seems anxious. It’s in the family friend who says “where was your mother in all this” and never once says “where was your father.” It’s in the quiet, almost automatic way an entire extended family will forgive a father’s coldness as personality while treating a mother’s silence as betrayal. None of that is abstract. It shows up at Thanksgiving. It shows up in the eulogy someone writes, and the eulogy someone doesn’t get. This systemic bias means that enabling mothers bear a disproportionate burden of shame and blame when they fail to protect, even when their capacity to intervene was severely limited by trauma, coercion, or fear.
Yet, this societal expectation does not excuse what didn’t happen. The enabling parent’s failure to act is a real wound, regardless of systemic pressures. It is critical to hold space for both the systemic context and the personal impact.
These cultural and institutional failures also ripple through family courts and social services, which often lack the tools or willingness to intervene effectively in cases involving sociopathic parents. This systemic failure compounds the trauma experienced by children and the enabling parents alike.
Exploring these systemic dynamics helps illuminate why the enabling parent’s silence was possible, and why healing requires addressing not only individual but also cultural and institutional change.
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How to Heal / Path Forward
Healing from the wounds inflicted by an enabling parent who failed to protect you is a process that asks for both compassion and courageous honesty. Therapeutic modalities like trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT) and attachment-based therapy can help adult children untangle the complex web of loyalty, grief, and betrayal. These approaches prioritize safety, validation, and gradual exposure to painful truths, giving clients room to rewrite their internal narratives.
Clinically, this often starts with what’s called dual-awareness processing, the capacity to hold two true things about the same person without either one canceling the other out. In plain terms, it means you get to be furious that your mother kept passing the potatoes while your father went cold and cruel at the table, and you get to understand that she was passing those potatoes because her own nervous system had learned, decades earlier, that stillness was the only safe move available to her. On an ordinary Tuesday afternoon, this looks like being able to text her back a normal, even warm reply, and still feel the old tightness in your jaw when she calls. Both things are true. Neither cancels the other.
Group therapy or support groups specifically for survivors of familial sociopathy can provide real communal validation and reduce isolation. Clinicians often incorporate psychoeducation about learned helplessness and trauma bonding to help clients understand the neurobiological underpinnings of their experiences, knowledge that can be genuinely relieving once it lands.
Reconciliation doesn’t mean forgetting or excusing what happened. It means finding a way to hold love and truth at the same time, a theme explored deeply in The Everything Years. For practical guidance on coping with the complex grief of loving a parent who failed to protect, see When Your Parent Is a Sociopath and explore the dynamics of family roles in Golden Child and Scapegoat Dynamic.
Healing is about reclaiming your story, setting boundaries that honor your well-being, and building relationships that affirm your worth beyond the trauma. It’s a gradual process, but with informed support and self-compassion, it’s possible to move from silence and pain toward clarity and peace.
In nearly two decades of clinical practice, I’ve found that trauma-informed modalities such as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Internal Family Systems (IFS), and somatic experiencing tend to work well for this particular kind of grief, the kind that has no single villain to point at. Clinically, EMDR targets the way traumatic memory gets stored differently than ordinary memory, stuck and undigested rather than filed away. In plain terms, it’s like a splinter your body never finished pushing out. On a Tuesday afternoon eighteen months into the work, this can look like hearing your mother’s voice on the phone and noticing, almost with surprise, that your shoulders didn’t climb up around your ears the way they used to.
IFS lets you explore the conflicting parts within yourself, the part that’s furious, the part that’s grieving, the part that still wants to protect your mother from the full weight of what she didn’t do, and helps them talk to each other instead of drowning each other out. Somatic experiencing focuses on the body’s role in trauma, helping you release the physical tension and freeze responses that often trail behind unresolved betrayal. Attachment-focused therapy can help repair relational patterns disrupted by your parent’s failure to protect, opening new pathways for trust and safety.
First steps might include journaling your experiences, naming your feelings toward your enabling parent without judgment, and finding a trauma-informed therapist familiar with sociopathy and betrayal trauma. Annie Wright’s clinical work, detailed on her therapy page, brings these approaches together for driven women moving through these exact wounds.
Healing is neither linear nor swift. It’s a both/and process, holding the grief of what was lost alongside the hope for a more grounded self. You are not alone in this. Many women carry the heavy legacy of an enabling parent, and through understanding and compassionate therapy, you can begin to rebuild your inner foundation and reclaim your power.
Begin by gently assessing your relationship with this parent. What patterns of silence or denial have you noticed. How did their choices affect your sense of safety and trust. Reflect on whether you feel caught in a covert contract, perhaps unconsciously agreeing not to confront painful truths in exchange for maintaining some comfort or connection. These questions can help you identify the emotional terrain you’re moving through and prepare you for the work ahead.
Choosing the right therapeutic modality matters. Trauma-informed therapies, such as somatic experiencing or sensorimotor psychotherapy, can be especially helpful because they address the nervous system dysregulation that often trails betrayal and learned helplessness within family systems. These approaches focus on calming the body’s stress responses, which is essential when you’re confronting the complex grief of loving a parent who didn’t protect you. Cognitive behavioral techniques may also support recognizing and questioning internalized beliefs shaped by trauma bonding and attachment wounds.
Pacing your healing is equally important. Recovery isn’t linear, and pushing too hard too fast can trigger overwhelm or retraumatization. Allow yourself to move forward in increments that feel manageable, honoring moments of progress as well as setbacks. Setting clear boundaries with your enabling parent, whether emotional or physical, can create the safety needed for this work. This might mean limiting conversations that minimize or deny your experience, or setting times when you’re unavailable to engage in old family dynamics. Boundaries aren’t about punishment, they’re about protecting your well-being and reclaiming your voice.
Because nervous system regulation is foundational to healing, daily practices that build a sense of safety and steadiness can make a real difference. Simple breathwork, grounding exercises, or mindful movement can help calm hyperarousal and build internal stability. For driven women accustomed to managing external demands, tuning into these internal signals may be unfamiliar but can be deeply life-changing. Recovery often reveals itself in subtle shifts: a moment of calm during a triggering memory, the ability to assert a boundary without guilt, or a growing capacity to feel compassion for yourself and your complex family history.
It’s also important to recognize that recovery includes grieving the parent you wished you had. This grief is complicated by loyalty conflicts and the enduring bond with someone who both loved and failed you. Engaging with this grief in therapy or support groups can provide a container for feelings that might otherwise stay unspoken or suppressed. The work of reconciling loyalty with truth is explored deeply in The Everything Years, which offers valuable insight into naming what was lost while honoring the humanity of your parent.
For those whose enabling parent is no longer alive or the marriage has ended, the opportunity for honesty often arrives late, and sometimes not at all. In these cases, creating rituals of acknowledgment or writing unsent letters can open a dialogue that was never possible in life. These acts help externalize feelings and build a sense of closure or ongoing negotiation with your past. Remember, healing doesn’t require your parent’s participation. It’s about reclaiming your own narrative and power.
If you find yourself stuck in patterns of learned helplessness within family dynamics, understanding Martin Seligman’s work on this phenomenon can help. Recognizing that your parent may have felt trapped by their own attachment history or trauma doesn’t excuse their failure, but it can deepen your compassion and help you untangle the complex emotional web you’ve inherited. Working through these dynamics with a therapist familiar with betrayal trauma, such as those informed by Jennifer Freyd’s research, can provide the complex, specific support needed to move beyond victimhood toward agency.
Finally, staying connected to resources that address the sociopathic family system can reinforce your healing. The insights offered at Sociopath in the Family and explorations of coercive control help make sense of your experience and remind you that your struggles are part of a larger pattern, not a personal failing. Recovery is a process of small, steady steps, each one a sign of your courage in untangling the under-discussed wound of the parent who watched and didn’t intervene. With time, patience, and support, you can reclaim your story and build a life defined by your own values rather than the shadows of the past.
I think often of Maya, more than a year after that November phone call. Her mother still calls on Tuesdays. The chipped ceramic mug still sits on the same counter. What’s different is smaller than a breakthrough and harder to put into a single sentence: she picks up the phone now without the old bracing in her chest, most of the time, and when the bracing does show up, she doesn’t treat it as a failure. “I used to think healing meant I’d stop feeling anything when she called,” Maya told me recently. “Now I think it just means I get to choose what I do with the feeling.” The mug is still cold on the counter some evenings. She still hasn’t decided what to call what happened. Both of those things can stay true while the rest of her life keeps moving forward.
Q: How can I tell if my parent was enabling a sociopathic partner?
A: Signs of enabling often include parental silence or denial about abuse, minimizing your experiences, or prioritizing the relationship with the sociopathic partner over your safety. Enabling parents may avoid conflict, show learned helplessness, or have their own trauma history that impairs protection. Clinical patterns include emotional unavailability and covert contracts that maintain family secrecy. Exploring these signs with a trauma-informed therapist can clarify this dynamic.
Q: Why didn’t my other parent protect me even though they seemed to love me?
A: Love alone doesn’t guarantee protection. Many enabling parents are trapped by trauma, fear, or learned helplessness, making intervention feel impossible or too risky. Their own attachment wounds and the coercive control exerted by the sociopathic partner often create paralysis. Understanding this complexity allows you to grieve the failure without negating the love that existed.
Q: What is the covert contract in an enabling marriage?
A: The covert contract is an unspoken agreement where the enabling parent tolerates or ignores abusive behavior in exchange for preserving family stability or personal comfort. It’s a survival strategy that keeps the sociopathic partner’s behavior hidden and maintains silence around abuse, often at the expense of the child’s wellbeing.
Q: How can I start healing from the pain of an enabling parent?
A: Healing begins with acknowledging the truth of your experience and allowing space for grief and anger. Trauma-informed therapies like EMDR, IFS, and somatic experiencing can help process the emotional impact. Developing compassionate understanding of your parent’s limitations without excusing harm supports boundary setting and reclaiming your narrative.
Q: Why are mothers often blamed more than fathers for failing to protect?
A: Societal norms typically assign mothers primary responsibility for child protection, holding them to higher standards. This cultural expectation can unfairly amplify shame and blame for enabling behavior. Fathers, especially sociopathic ones, may be overlooked due to patriarchal biases. Recognizing this systemic lens is important in understanding family dynamics and blaming patterns.
Related Reading
Bancroft, Lundy. When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse. Berkley Books, 2002.
Freyd, Jennifer L., PhD. Betrayal Trauma: The Logic of Forgetting Childhood Abuse. Harvard University Press, 1996.
Herman, Judith Lewis, MD. Trauma and Recovery. Basic Books, 1992.
Seligman, Martin E.P., PhD. Learned Helplessness: A Theory for the Age of Personal Control. Oxford University Press, 1991.
Wright, Annie, LMFT. The Betrayal Trauma Complete Guide. anniewright.com, 2024.
Main, Mary, PhD. “Adult Attachment Interview.” In Attachment in the Preschool Years, edited by M. Greenberg, D. Cicchetti, and E. Cummings, University of Chicago Press, 1990.
References
Peer-Reviewed Research (Vancouver)
- Gómez JM, Smith CP, Gobin RL, Tang SS, Freyd JJ. Collusion, torture, and inequality: Understanding the actions of the American Psychological Association as institutional betrayal. J Trauma Dissociation. 2016;17(5):527-544. PMID: 27427782.
- Cloitre M, Stolbach BC, Herman JL, van der Kolk B, Pynoos R, Wang J, et al. A developmental approach to complex PTSD: childhood and adult cumulative trauma as predictors of symptom complexity. J Trauma Stress. 2009;22(5):399-408. doi:10.1002/jts.20444. PMID: 19795402.
Books & Cultural Sources (Chicago Author-Date)
- Dickinson, Emily. The complete poems of Emily Dickinson. Little, Brown, 1960.
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LMFT · Relational Trauma Specialist · W.W. Norton Author
Helping driven women finally feel as good as their résumé looks.
Annie Wright is a licensed psychotherapist (LMFT #95719) and trauma-informed executive coach with over 15,000 clinical hours. She works with driven women. Including Silicon Valley leaders, physicians, and entrepreneurs. In repairing the psychological foundations beneath their impressive lives. Annie is the founder and former CEO of Evergreen Counseling, a multimillion-dollar trauma-informed therapy center she built, scaled, and successfully exited. A regular contributor to Psychology Today, her expert commentary has appeared in USA Today, Forbes, Business Insider, Inc., NBC, and The Information. She is currently writing her first book with W.W. Norton.
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT #95719)
15,000+ direct clinical hours
California · Connecticut · Washington DC · Florida · Maine · Maryland · New Hampshire · New Jersey · Texas · Virginia · Washington
Creator of House of Life™ and Fixing the Foundations™
The Everything Years (W.W. Norton)
Founder & former CEO, Evergreen Counseling
Regular contributor to Psychology Today. Expert commentary has appeared in USA Today, Forbes, Business Insider, Inc., NBC, and The Information.

