TL;DR –Mother's Day carries profound complexity for those with childhood trauma backgrounds—it's not just about forgotten brunch reservations but navigating the painful gap between the mother you had and the mother you needed. The holiday's origins, rooted in celebrating traditional maternal roles shaped by patriarchal systems, can feel especially triggering when your own mother's mental health struggles (often exacerbated by those same oppressive forces) translated into childhood wounds. You can hold the both/and of this: understanding the societal context that undermined your mother's wellbeing while still feeling legitimate anger, grief, and longing for different childhood experiences.
For those who are now mothers themselves while carrying relational trauma, the day becomes even more layered—you're triggered not only by what you didn't receive but also by fears that you're perpetuating cycles despite your valiant efforts to parent differently. This double bind of processing your own childhood pain while trying to be the "perfectly attuned" parent you never had creates an impossible standard that no one can meet. The path forward isn't through tidy solutions but through holding complexity with compassion, recognizing that you're attempting the world's hardest job without a healthy blueprint, and seeking professional support when the weight becomes too heavy to carry alone.
Mother’s Day may feel complex in the most psychologically robust of households.
“Shoot! We forgot to make brunch reservations.”
“Oh my gosh, CVS is closed. Where do we get her flowers now?”
“Does she, like, want breakfast on a tray or something?”
But really, these are like Kindergarten-level complexities compared to the complexity those of us from childhood trauma backgrounds contend with regarding our own mothers and celebrating them, and also (sometimes) now being mothers ourselves.
That’s like black-belt level complexity on this national holiday.
In this little essay, we’ll explore the origins of the holiday, the complexity of the day when we come from childhood trauma backgrounds, the complexity of the day when we ourselves are now mothers, and how to cope and manage with all this complexity.
The well-intended but triggering origins of Mother’s Day.
Because I love history, I wanted to start the essay off by sharing with you a little information on the genesis of this nationally-recognized holiday.
Mother’s Day originated in the early 20th century in the United States, primarily due to the efforts of Anna Jarvis, who intended to memorialize her mother and advocate for a day to honor all mothers.
Although initially met with resistance (what does that tell you about how society values mothers?), it eventually gained popular approval and became an annual celebration.
The holiday, when recognized, was meant to honor the mother-child relationship and reflect traditional American values. Especially during the Progressive era and World War I. It served to boost morale and express national loyalty, celebrating traditional roles within the family and society.
While Anna’s intent to celebrate was well intended, the DNA of this day is painful for me as a therapist. Both because the “traditional role” of mothering is shaped by the oppressive social force of Patriarchy and the result of this force is that it’s profoundly negatively impacted many mothers’ mental health, leading to their own inability to care well for their children, sometimes translating into childhood trauma experiences.
(Side note: between being a trauma therapist and lifelong feminist, you can imagine how fun I am at cocktail parties…)
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Mother’s Day can be triggering when we were the recipient of poor maternal mental health.
Now, of course, even as I hold the lens and context for why and how the oppressive social force of the Patriarch has negatively impacted maternal mental and therefore contributed to childhood trauma experiences, I’m not condoning, excusing or permitting the actions (or inactions) of mothers that may have led to childhood trauma experiences for their young.
I believe in holding the both/and of this: the pain of personal experience coupled with understanding of the broader dynamics.
So with that said, I want to honor and acknowledge that for those of us who experienced childhood trauma whether directly or indirectly related to the mental health states of our mothers, the second Sunday of May can be especially painful and triggering when it cyclically rolls around.
I’ve written before here, here, here, here, and here with ideas about how to care for yourself on this day (including extending permission to formally opt out of celebrating), the criticality of remothering ourselves as part of our childhood trauma recovery journey, and the invitation to imagine that remothering can and should extend to many and multiple “mothering figures” in our lives.
And again let me repeat: you can understand why and how your mother’s mental health was poor, how her personal, professional, and financial power was undermined by contextual, intergenerational societal forces AND you can still feel deep pain, anger, anguish, resentment, and longing for a different mother and different childhood experiences.
Mother’s Day can also feel complex as we now embody the role of mother coming from a trauma background.
And then, for a sub-segment of us, we may not only identify with coming from a childhood trauma background, but we may now be mothers ourselves and acutely aware of the impossibility of showing up as a perfectly attuned, perfectly regulated, ever-constant emotionally available parent (that most of us imagine would lead to a non-traumatic childhood experience).
Still though, we’re attempting to raise little humans and create a healthy family when we ourselves don’t necessarily come from one.
And yet, between our own unprocessed trauma (that we’re valiantly trying to acknowledge and work through), plus contending with those same lingering oppressive social forces (you cannot tell me the Patriarchy is not still alive and well, slightly diminished, yes, but still poison in the air we breathe), it is so. darn. Hard.
On most days but especially on Mother’s Day, we may be triggered, not only by the reality of our own childhood trauma experiences and what we did or did not receive from our mothers, but also by what we perceive as our own failures as mothers.
If this is you (and for sure it’s me), I cannot overstate how important it is to hold that compassionate duality we talked about before: understanding of the context in which we’re trying to do this impossible task and recognition and validation of all our feels.
Finding the right support.
The complexity of Mother’s Day—whether you’re navigating unresolved maternal wounds, fears about your own parenting, or both—often requires more than self-help strategies and permission slips to opt out. This is where trauma-informed therapy becomes invaluable, offering a space to untangle the layered emotions that surface when a holiday designed to celebrate mothers instead triggers grief, rage, or shame.
A skilled therapist understands that your feelings about your mother aren’t simple—they’re woven through with love, longing, disappointment, and often a crushing guilt that makes you wonder if you’re allowed to have complicated feelings about someone who “did their best” or who society tells you to unconditionally honor.
In the therapeutic space, you can explore the both/and of your experience without having to choose sides or minimize your pain to protect anyone else’s feelings. This becomes especially important if you find yourself wrestling with guilt about having complex feelings toward your mother—that persistent sense that acknowledging her failures somehow makes you ungrateful or bad.
Enlisting support to process the complexity.
There is no real thesis statement to today’s essay.
Complex issues can’t be tidied up into bento box solutions.
Complex issues can only be held with appreciation for their complexity, patience as we untangle them, and a willingness to enlist a higher level of care when and if we need.
So to that end, if you find yourself triggered by Mother’s Day, whether it’s because of your own childhood trauma experiences or because you fear you’re creating trauma for your own children now, please don’t suffer alone.
Reach out for professional support. You’ll feel less lonely, more supported, and be able to work through the triggers and fears and even expand your capacity for parenting. It would be an honor to support you.
Now I’d love to hear from you in the comments below:
Does Mother’s Day feel triggering for you because of your own childhood trauma experiences and/or your role as a mother now doing the world’s hardest job? What helps you cope with this day when it rolls around once a year?
If you feel so inclined, please leave a message so our community of 30,000 blog readers can benefit from your share and wisdom.
Here’s to healing relational trauma and creating thriving lives on solid foundations.
Warmly,
Annie
References
- Wikipedia contributors. Anna Jarvis. In Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anna_Jarvis#:~:text=On%20May%2010%2C%2019…. Accessed April 23, 2024.
- Jones K. Mother’s Day: The Creation, Promotion and Meaning of a New Holiday in the Progressive Era. In: Cott N, ed. Volume 17/2 Social and Moral Reform. Berlin, Boston: K. G. Saur; 1994:503-524. https://doi.org/10.1515/9783110971095.503.
- Fischer L. The Reproduction of Mothering. In: Unknown title. 2012:236-247. https://doi.org/10.1002/9781118327821.CH11.
- Rached M, Hankir A, Zaman R. Emotional Abuse in Women and Girls Mediated by Patriarchal Upbringing and Its Impact on Sexism and Mental Health: A Narrative Review. Psychiatria Danubina. 2021;33(Suppl 11):137-144.
