What worked well at one point stops working so well anymore.

But still, she keeps doing it because she doesn’t know what else to do instead and it’s taken the form of a compulsion for her, an addictive behavior.

It’s a vicious cycle.

You can apply this hypothetical to any of the above points in the intro or to whatever habit/behavior of your own in the present or in your past that you feel embarrassed about: food additions, bad romantic choices, financial irresponsibility, compromising your boundaries, compromising your relationships, even, perhaps, compromising your life.

What’s important here is not that you personally identify with having had a history of binging and purging yourself but rather to recognize that the root of almost any addictive/compulsive/self-destructive behaviors are attempts to take care of ourselves in whatever way we thought was possible or that we had access to.

Remember: what seems harmful now was once an adaptation.

A strategic and probably effective adaptation!). To challenging circumstances at some point earlier.

When we can hold this lens of compassion for the parts of our past (or the behaviors we presently hold!) that we have shame and regret around, we can, believe it or not, allow for the possibility of change to occur.

According to the paradoxical theory of change, a contribution to the field of psychology by Fritz Perls, the paradoxical theory of change states that the more you try to be something you’re not, the more you’ll stay right where you are.

So in our attempts to move forward, to grow, and to create something different for ourselves we are ironically called upon to accept and even have compassion for the self-destructive (and other-destructive) behaviors and habits that we may have had in the past.

Because of this, I invite you to reframe how you have thought about those shameful, painful habits and actions of yours in the past, not only because it will likely feel better for you to have more grace and compassion for yourself, but also because you won’t grow as much or as well unless you can actually accept those parts of you.

“The longing for sweets is really a yearning for love or “sweetness.” ― Marion Woodman, Ph.D.

Freedom: Building Choice Around Our Self-Destructive Habits.

“It is impossible to understand addiction without asking what relief the addict finds, or hopes to find, in the drug or the addictive behavior.” ― Gabor Maté, M.D.

When we can recognize that every behavior and habit of ours that we had or currently have was actually an attempt that was designed to support ourselves but also recognize that it was a maladaptive attempt. Meaning an attempt that is dysfunctional and actually doesn’t produce the outcomes that you actually want. We can then address the question of what else is possible instead.

That same young woman, trapped in the vicious cycle of bulimia to cope with her chaotic and abusive family. Is now grown.

She’s an adult with distance from them and more agency in the world, and while she still binges and purges, she has more options and resources than she likely did back then.

We can begin to explore what more adaptive, supportive choices might look like for her. When she feels the relentless despair and anxiety at night that’s so lifelong familiar to her.

We can book her therapy for times in the evening.

We can build social gatherings and opportunities into her calendar. To help her decrease her sense of isolation and to connect with others.

We can work in our counseling sessions to help her expand her abilities. To tolerate those challenging feelings.

We can remove the trigger foods from her house.

We can practice something different. Because circumstances and her capacities are now different.

We can create choice for how she responds to challenging feelings when before there felt like there was no choice, there was only a default option.

And this. Practicing choice. Is what the work of therapy is all about to me.

When we are acting compulsively. And I don’t just mean in actions such as daily bulimia, but I also mean with repeated, compulsive thoughts and beliefs , “I married the wrong guy.” “I’ll never make enough money.” “I’m too fat to find love.” etc, we aren’t that free.

Again, we come by those thoughts/habits/behaviors honestly, but if they are the only ways we imagine we can respond to a situation or view ourselves, we’re not that choiceful.

Doing the emotional work to expand your abilities to choose different behaviors/thoughts/beliefs will allow you to be responsive to life, rather than reactive.

It will help us build more adaptive behaviors and habits for you versus perpetuating maladaptive ones.

This work can take some time. Remember, it took a while to form the other habit/behaviors. But it is worth it.

And through this process of growing different choices and taking steps to tolerate more emotional discomfort, it’s critical we recall, again and again, that those former habits, the ones we’d prefer no one ever knew about, were always attempts to take care of ourselves.

I actually do think we’re naturally driven to feel good and to try and take care of ourselves, it’s just that sometimes we do so in ways that aren’t quite that effective.

But that’s okay! It simply says you’re driven to take care of yourself and now we just have to find other ways you can do this.

“For me, vulnerability led to anxiety, which led to shame, which led to disconnection, which led to Bud Light.”. Brené Brown, Ph.D.

Inquiries To Reflect On Your Own Self-Destructive Habits:

“When clients self-harm, for example, these days, we understand their actions to be instinctive, rather than thought out, an effort to regulate or relieve, rather than punish.” ― Janina Fisher, Ph.D. (PMID: 16530597)

• Taking inspiration from the list in the intro and reflecting on your own life, what would you say is one habit of yours that you’ve had (or still have) that you don’t feel so great about?
• In what ways can you see that this habit was an attempt to support yourself?
• What options did you at that age (when the habit started) feel like you had?
• In what ways was this habit actually a really clever and effective way of taking care of yourself back then?
• What did it give you when you did this habit/behavior? (think: relief, numbness, a sense of connection, fitting in, etc.)
• At what point did this habit/behavior stop working quite so well for you?
• In what ways did this habit/behavior actually get (or still gets) in the way of a life that feels connected and good?
• What other options do you see for yourself instead if you were to stop doing this behavior/habit?
• What supports might you need to even see those other options and/or pursue them? (think: therapy, AA meetings, etc).
• What’s the cost to you if you keep doing the maladaptive behavior?
• What’s the potential benefit to you if you can create more choice around how you respond to difficult emotional times?
• Can you have grace and compassion for your past self (and even your present self) for making the choices that you did?
• Can you acknowledge that you did the best with what you had at the time and does it feel supportive (even a little bit) to have just a little more self-compassion when we hold this reframe?

“Self-compassion is key because when we’re able to be gentle with ourselves in the midst of shame, we’re more likely to reach out, connect, and experience empathy.”. Brené Brown, Ph.D.

From Survival Strategy to Conscious Choice: Transforming Maladaptive Patterns

When you sit across from your therapist, ashamed about the wine bottle you empty nightly or the credit cards you’ve maxed out, they see something different than moral failure. They recognize these behaviors as brilliant survival strategies that became outdated software still running in your adult life.

Your therapist helps you understand that what are the tools in your emotional first aid kit began developing long before you had conscious choice. That eating disorder wasn’t rebellion, it was the only way a powerless child could feel control. The toxic relationships weren’t stupidity, they were attempts to find love using the only template you knew.

Together, you explore what each behavior provided: did binging numb unbearable loneliness? Did shopping create momentary feelings of abundance when life felt scarce? Did staying with harmful partners at least mean not being alone? Understanding the function helps identify what needs must be met differently.

Your therapist introduces the paradoxical theory of change, how fighting against these parts of yourself actually keeps them stuck. Instead of shame-based willpower attempts, you practice radical self-compassion, recognizing that younger you did the absolute best with extremely limited resources.