And they are also trying to date amidst a pool of people who seem to have pretty unrealistic relationship expectations.
Which is so, so hard.
Look, time will tell if the introduction of Tinder has permanently (and negatively) altered the dating and mating mindset of younger Millennials and Gen-Z’ers. But from what I’m seeing personally and professionally, most of us could use a bit of a reality check when it comes to reasonable relationship expectations.
So I wrote this post not just for anyone who’s in the Wild West of online dating at this moment, but also for those of us who are partnered and feeling frustrated or ambivalent in the context of those long-term relationships.
This post is informed not only by what I’ve learned in my own nearly decade-long relationship, but also what I’ve learned in the context of my career, specifically studying couples counseling.
Not everything I write may resonate with you. Some of it may anger or challenge you. Some of it may not apply, but perhaps one or two points will. And perhaps you’ll feel just a little bit more grace, compassion, and acceptance for wherever you find yourself in your own relationship journey.
The Reality of Relationships: Twenty Tempering Truths
1. The honeymoon phase ends for everyone.
The honeymoon phase is intoxicating. It is the stage of our relationships where we’re falling in love. Having sex effortlessly and easily. Moving about our days with stars in our eyes and a dizzying, anticipatory delight in receiving texts and glimpses of that person. Who doesn’t love this stage? It’s heady, it’s enlivening, it’s fun! Also, it’s not permanent. When we’re in the honeymoon stage, a cocktail of hormones floods our brain – norepinephrine, dopamine, and serotonin. These hormones contribute to the intoxicated, obsessive quality of the honeymoon stage. By design, these hormones ebb over time. And that’s okay, that’s normal. It simply means that the next stage is beginning: the individuation stage. Not that the end of the honeymoon period being a “bad thing” in your relationship.
2. Long-term romantic relationships are one of the ultimate mirrors of “your stuff.”
Per the above point, when the honeymoon period ends, something known as the individuation stage begins. The individuation stage is characterized by less projection and a more realistic viewing of our partner. This is coupled with reconciling the reality of our differences. And trying to learn how to manage these differences in the context of togetherness. The individuation stage is also when “your stuff” will come up. Why? Because romantic relationships mimic the attachment intensity that we had with our early caregivers. All of our stories, beliefs, wounds, judgments, and patterns (be they “positive” or “negative”) will get triggered by your partner and brought up for you to look at when we enter the individuation stage of our relationships.
