And I’d be remiss if I didn’t encourage exploring this with clients in my office or in writing here on the blog.
But what can sometimes get lost in those more prescriptive writings is an acknowledgment that perhaps, for many, depression isn’t something that will ever be “fixed” but rather is something that has to be lived with, either consistently or cyclically. And then I think it’s less helpful to talk about depression as a thing to fix and solve, but rather to simply acknowledge what life can be like when depression is something you have to bear, when depression is something you have to live with and tolerate and it can’t be so easily “fixed.”
And so what can help with this bearing, this tolerating? Perhaps – sometimes – just reading words that make you feel less alone, that make you feel seen.
And so today I want to offer a less formal post, a collection really of thoughts and musings about what life with depression can feel like in case this helps you feel less alone, more seen, and even just one bit more supported to go about your day while living with depression.
Notes On Life With Depression.
Depression can feel like a settling in, a slow, gradual creep on you that you didn’t quite see coming.
Depression doesn’t announce itself like a sprained ankle after a missed Zumba move; it’s so much more subtle than that. It grows and grows layer by layer until you wake up one morning filled with dread about the day, afraid to put your feet on the floor and even to check your phone because the thought of emails and notifications are too much. You realize you don’t want to open your eyes and come out of sleep, not because you’re still tired, but because sleep helps you avoid life. Depression can feel like this when it settles in and arrives one morning.
Depression can feel like forcing yourself to move through the motions of human life.
Of brushing your teeth, putting on your makeup. Drinking water to stay hydrated, responding when your partner calls out to you. Depression can feel like going on autopilot. Being there but not fully being there because so much of your mental and emotional energy is consumed, sucked inward by how badly and hopeless you feel.
Depression does not necessarily feel like sadness.
Sadness is characterized by a surge of emotion, a strength of feeling. Depression, rather, can feel like an absence of feeling. Like numbness. Like coldness. A blanket of heavy draped on top of a general state of vibrating fear and dread. Depression can make it hard to find any ounce or spark of excitement about the things that would normally excite you. Plans in the future, looking at old vacation photos, texts from your best friend. Depression is characterized by a void.
