Honestly, I do not recommend watching this series if you were raised by a narcissistic or sociopathic father figure. Unless you’re relatively deep into your healing journey. And need a sobering reminder of why you’ve firmly estranged yourself from that person in your life.
In that way, it’s a great digital validation.
Otherwise, it’s a very triggering show. It took a few nights to get the graphic images to leave my mind’s eye so I could sleep easy.
But after going down that dark, streaming rabbit hole, I was once again reminded of the unrelenting dearth of media portrayals of the good, kind, gentle father.
The strong, driven, protective, accomplished, charming, and handsome father figure/head of the family abounds in media across a spectrum of health – from functional to dysfunctional (The Undoing’s main character was the epitome of dysfunctional with another character falling less severely on the dysfunctional side, but still on it).
But these portrayals – even the really loving, loyal father figures – often fall into tropes of traditional, Patriarchal ideals, limiting what our boys and men can see themselves in, and also what we – as folks who come from relational trauma histories – may model our reparative inner fathering after.
If you’ve been a reader of mine for some time, you know that a core tenet of my relational trauma recovery work centers on helping folks actively reparent themselves – treating themselves as a good enough mother or father would have ideally done for them.
But both roles – mothering and fathering – are so heavily laden with millennia of Patriarchal, Capitalist, Colonialist conditioning that it can sometimes be hard to resonate with the typical “archetypes” of mother and father as you do this relational trauma recovery work.
So today’s little essay is a response to that, to fathering in particular.
It’s a love letter in praise of the good, kind, gentle father. The one who doesn’t necessarily fit the traditional model of what a “man” and father is. But who is, nonetheless, a force of good and healing in the world.
Today’s little essay is a lens widener. It’s an alternate perspective.
It’s a list of actions and ways of being that you may see yourself or someone you love in.
And it’s an aspirational action list for your own re-fathering journey should the “typical” father models just not resonate with you.
In Praise Of The Good, Kind, Gentle Father.
The good, kind, gentle father may never be the guy who starts a company. Makes a million. Accumulates professional accomplishments. Or gets a building named after him.
He may not be the brawniest, the boldest, the loudest, the tallest, the Captain of all he touches.
