High-Functioning Anxiety: When Looking Fine Costs You Everything

Chloe, a 33-year-old law partner, was in the bathroom of a Michelin-starred restaurant when the panic attack hit. She had just closed the biggest deal of her career, a nine-figure merger that had consumed her life for the past six months. She should have been celebrating. Instead, she was on the floor of a bathroom stall, gasping for air, her heart hammering against her ribs.

This was not the first time. This was, in fact, a familiar ritual. The bigger the achievement, the more intense the backlash. The more she succeeded, the more she felt like a fraud. The more she was praised, the more she was certain that she was about to be exposed.

Chloe was the picture of success. She was brilliant, beautiful, and accomplished. She was also living in a state of chronic, unrelenting anxiety. She had what I call high-functioning anxiety.

High-functioning anxiety is the experience of living with a constant, low-grade hum of anxiety that is both the engine of your success and the source of your suffering.

What High-Functioning Anxiety Actually Is

People with high-functioning anxiety are often the last people you would suspect of struggling. They are the straight-A students, the star employees, the pillars of their communities. They are the ones who seem to have it all together. But on the inside, they are paddling furiously to stay afloat.

Why It’s Not in the DSM — and Why That Matters

High-functioning anxiety is the experience of living with a constant, low-grade hum of anxiety that is both the engine of your success and the source of your suffering.

High-functioning anxiety is not a recognized diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), the bible of psychiatry. This is because, by definition, people with high-functioning anxiety are functioning. They are not impaired in their work, their relationships, or their daily lives. In fact, they are often excelling.

But this is a problem. Because the absence of a diagnosis does not mean the absence of suffering. And because the focus on function can obscure the profound internal cost of that function. The fact that you are able to push through your anxiety does not mean that it is not real. It means that you are resilient. It means that you are strong. It also means that you are likely exhausted.

You look calm, capable, and accomplished on the outside, but inside, you’re paddling furiously to stay afloat — and the bigger your achievements, the louder the backlash of doubt and fear.

Why High-Functioning Anxiety Shows Up in High-Achieving Women

High-functioning anxiety is particularly common among high-achieving women. This is for a number of reasons. First, women are socialized to be pleasing, to be perfect, to be accommodating. We are taught to be good girls, to not make waves, to put others’ needs before our own. This sets us up for a lifetime of anxiety-fueled people-pleasing.

Second, women are still under-represented in positions of power. We have to work harder to prove ourselves, to be taken seriously, to get a seat at the table. This can create a tremendous amount of pressure, and a tremendous amount of anxiety.

Third, women are often the primary caregivers in their families. We are expected to be the perfect mothers, the perfect partners, the perfect daughters. We are expected to do it all, and to do it all with a smile. This is a recipe for burnout, and for high-functioning anxiety.

The Achievement Trap: When Anxiety Drives Success

For many people with high-functioning anxiety, their anxiety is the engine of their success. It is the voice in their head that tells them to work harder, to do more, to be better. It is the fear of failure that drives them to succeed.

But this is a trap. Because the more you achieve, the more you have to lose. The more you succeed, the more you have to prove. The more you accomplish, the more you have to maintain. The anxiety never goes away. It just gets a new target.

Signs and Symptoms of High-Functioning Anxiety

You’re the picture of calm and capability on the outside, but inside you’re paddling furiously just to stay afloat—and the bigger your achievement, the louder the anxiety’s backlash.

• Overthinking and overanalyzing. People with high-functioning anxiety are constantly in their heads. They are always thinking, planning, worrying, and ruminating. They have a hard time turning off their minds.
• Perfectionism and self-criticism. They have impossibly high standards for themselves. They are their own worst critics. They are never satisfied with their performance, no matter how successful they are.
• Difficulty relaxing. They have a hard time sitting still. They are always on the go. They feel guilty when they are not being productive.
• People-pleasing. They have a hard time saying no. They are afraid of disappointing others. They put others’ needs before their own.
• Procrastination. The fear of not being able to do it perfectly can lead to not doing it at all.
• Irritability and impatience. When you are living in a state of chronic stress, your fuse is short. You may find yourself snapping at your loved ones, or feeling constantly annoyed by the people around you.

What High-Functioning Anxiety Does to Your Body

• Muscle tension. People with high-functioning anxiety often carry a great deal of tension in their bodies, particularly in the neck, shoulders, and jaw.
• Sleep problems. They have a hard time falling asleep, staying asleep, or waking up feeling rested. Their minds are always racing.
• Digestive issues. Anxiety can wreak havoc on the digestive system, leading to problems like irritable bowel syndrome, acid reflux, and stomach ulcers.
• Fatigue. Living in a state of chronic stress is exhausting. People with high-functioning anxiety often feel tired all the time, no matter how much sleep they get.

High-Functioning Anxiety in Your Relationships

High-functioning anxiety can make it difficult to show up authentically in your relationships. You may find yourself constantly performing, trying to be the perfect partner, the perfect friend, the perfect parent. You may have a hard time being vulnerable, asking for help, or letting people see the real you.

This can lead to a sense of isolation and disconnection. You may feel like no one really knows you. You may feel like you are all alone in your struggle. For more on this, you might find my complete guide to anxious attachment to be helpful.

The Childhood Roots of High-Functioning Anxiety

For many people, the roots of their high-functioning anxiety lie in childhood. If you grew up in a home where you were praised for your achievements, but not for who you were, you may have learned that your worth is conditional on your performance. If you grew up in a home with a parent who was anxious, you may have learned to be anxious yourself. If you grew up in a home with a parent who was critical or demanding, you may have learned to be a perfectionist in an attempt to win their approval.

For more on this, please read my complete guide to the mother wound and my complete guide to emotionally immature parents.

The Perfectionism-Anxiety Loop

“Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.”

Brené Brown

Perfectionism and anxiety are two sides of the same coin. The anxiety fuels the perfectionism, and the perfectionism fuels the anxiety. It is a vicious cycle.

The perfectionist believes that if they can just do everything perfectly, they will finally be able to relax. But of course, this is impossible. There is always something that could be better. There is always someone who is doing it better. And so the anxiety never goes away.

The Link to Imposter Syndrome

Imposter syndrome is the experience of feeling like a fraud, despite evidence of your success. It is the belief that you have fooled everyone into thinking that you are more competent than you actually are. It is the fear that you are about to be exposed.

Imposter syndrome is a hallmark of high-functioning anxiety. The more you achieve, the more you feel like an imposter. The more you succeed, the more you are certain that you are about to be found out. For more on this, please read my complete guide to imposter syndrome.

The Nervous System Beneath the Anxiety

At its core, high-functioning anxiety is a problem of the nervous system. It is the experience of living in a state of chronic sympathetic activation — the “fight or flight” response. Your body is constantly on high alert, scanning for threats, preparing for danger. This is why you feel so exhausted all the time.

The key to healing high-functioning anxiety is to learn how to regulate your nervous system. It is to learn how to shift out of the sympathetic state and into the parasympathetic state — the “rest and digest” response. It is to learn how to feel safe in your own skin. For more on this, please read my complete guide to nervous system dysregulation.

What Recovery Actually Looks Like

Recovery from high-functioning anxiety is not about eliminating anxiety. It is about changing your relationship with it. It is about learning to see your anxiety not as a character flaw, but as a signal from your nervous system that something needs attention.

It is about learning to be with your anxiety, to listen to it, to understand what it is trying to tell you. It is about learning to respond to your anxiety with self-compassion, not self-criticism. It is about learning to be your own best friend, not your own worst enemy.

Somatic Practices That Help

Because high-functioning anxiety is a problem of the nervous system, the most effective treatments are those that work with the body. Somatic (body-based) practices can help you to regulate your nervous system and to release the stored trauma that is driving your anxiety. Some practices that can be helpful include:

• Mindfulness and meditation.
• Yoga and movement.
• Breathwork.
• Orienting.

The Role of Therapy in Healing High-Functioning Anxiety

Therapy can be an invaluable resource for healing high-functioning anxiety. A good therapist can help you to understand the roots of your anxiety, to process the underlying trauma, and to develop new ways of coping.

Some of the modalities that I have found to be most effective for treating high-functioning anxiety include:

• Internal Family Systems (IFS) — which helps you to understand and heal the different parts of yourself, including the part that is anxious and the part that is a perfectionist.
• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) — which helps you to process traumatic memories and to reduce their emotional charge.
• Somatic therapies — which help you to work with the body’s stored responses to trauma.
• Attachment-focused therapy — which helps you to heal the relational wounds that are often at the root of high-functioning anxiety.

Frequently Asked Questions

References

• Brown, B. (2010). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are. Hazelden Publishing.
• Clance, P. R., & Imes, S. A. (1978). The imposter phenomenon in high achieving women: Dynamics and therapeutic intervention. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research & Practice, 15(3), 241–247.
• Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow.
• Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
• Schore, A. N. (2003). Affect dysregulation and disorders of the self. W. W. Norton & Company.
• van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.

Medical Disclaimer