You Don’t Need to Be Fully Healed Before Going After Your Dreams
The belief that you must be completely healed before you date, apply, create, or pursue a meaningful goal can become its own form of stuckness. This essay challenges that myth while honoring your own wisdom, showing how values-aligned action and reparative experiences can build agency, competence, and a fuller life alongside ongoing healing.
Why “Healed Enough” Is Not a Requirement
“I’m still too broken. I can only date when I’ve done all my healing work.”
“I still don’t feel ready to apply , I can still hear my father’s voice in my head, that means it’s not time, right? Not if his voice is still there.”
“I really want to, but I don’t feel capable enough. I still see myself as that scared, helpless kid sometimes. How can I do that when I still feel so scared so much of the time?”
“I’ll think about doing it next year , I just worry that I haven’t been in therapy long enough yet.”
Each of these statements I’ve heard , in some iteration , nearly every month since I became a therapist.
At the heart of each of these statements is fundamental belief: I’m not healed enough to do X, Y, Z…
And while this may feel like a fundamental belief, it’s not a reality: it’s a myth.
And it’s a common myth that, for those who believe in it, can ironically hold them back from the people, places, and pursuits that would otherwise be the most healing agents in their recovery journeys.
I’ve written about this extensively before but, to reiterate, those who come from relational trauma backgrounds may experience a host of complex biopsychosocial impacts that linger long into adulthood as a result of their adverse early childhoods.
One example of these impacts can include having maladaptive beliefs about one’s own “brokenness” (e.g.: impaired self-worth).
Often, for folks who come from relational trauma histories, this translates into people often thinking that they need to be “all healed” before moving towards the things they truly want (dating, kids, grad school, that dream career) because they feel “too broken” to have these good things in their lives now.
This belief is common, it’s normal and natural.
But, just because it may be a normal and natural belief doesn’t mean that it’s an accurate belief.
What do I mean by it not being an accurate belief?
To me, this belief is a little analogous to thinking that you have to be perfectly fit before you can go to the gym and work out (something that would ironically help propel you more into a state of fitness).
You may not feel ready to be looked at by others in your workout gear, you may worry you’re not as fit as others who may go to the gym and who will be running side-by-side on the treadmills with you, and therefore there’s no place for you there.
A maladaptive belief is a deeply held idea that may once have helped someone make sense of hardship but now limits choices, connection, or well-being.
In plain terms: The thought “I am too broken” can feel completely true while still being an old story rather than a present fact.
“Go out in the woods, go out. If you don’t go out in the woods nothing will ever happen and your life will never begin.”
Clarissa Pinkola Estés, PhD, author
How Action Can Become Reparative
But, empirically, it is not true that you aren’t fit enough to be at a gym.
Factually, there is no one fitness level mandated to frequent a gym (and if you ever encounter a gym that doesn’t have a Health at Every Size attitude , consider finding another establishment that values and embodies inclusivity more).
Again, just because something feels true doesn’t mean it’s factually, empirically true.
So, while you may not feel “healed enough” (to sign up for that dating app, to ask that gorgeous woman out, to research and lay the groundwork for the fulfilling work your heart and soul craves), your feelings don’t necessarily mean fact.
“Healed enough” is a myth.
It’s a story. It implies there’s one right way of being and all other ways are insufficient.
It suggests that there is an endpoint to healing and , only then! , are good things, worthy things, fulfilling things possible.
And you can’t have them until you arrive at that “fully healed” destination.
I don’t believe this. Not at all.
“This life is mine alone. So I have stopped asking people for directions to places they’ve never been.” ― Glennon Doyle
“Fully healed” or “healed enough” is a myth. I don’t buy it.
Instead, what I believe personally and professionally, is that moving towards the things that you want , those people, places, and pursuits that would fill your life with meaning and fulfillment , and specifically, moving towards those things before you feel ready can actually accelerate your healing journey by boosting your sense of agency, competency, and support the reclamation and healing of your self-esteem and self-worth in the world.
I’ve now come to believe that reparative experiences , lived experiences and actions taken across an arc of time that challenge our cognitive and somatic distortions , can help rewire our maladaptive beliefs and behaviors about ourselves, others, and the world in a way that theory, imagination, or positive wishful thinking simply can’t compete with in terms of effectiveness.
It’s one thing to challenge your critical self-talk with kinder, more supportive self-talk.
It’s another thing entirely to prove to yourself through your lived experiences that those kinder, more supportive self-statements are, in fact, true.
“What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” , Mary Oliver
A reparative experience is a new lived experience that challenges an old expectation and offers evidence of safety, competence, care, or possibility.
In plain terms: Trying something meaningful before you feel completely ready can show your nervous system that a different outcome is possible.
Questions for Moving Toward What Matters
If, after reading today’s essay, you can see that some part of you is deferring moving towards and taking action on the future you want because you don’t believe you’re “healed enough” yet, I invite you to consider this reframe I offered today: that perhaps the most healing thing you could do for yourself is to start before you feel “healed enough.”
Of course, though, I want you to balance what I’m saying , that there is no such thing as “healed enough” and that perhaps the most healing thing you could do would be to start now , with your own, innate wisdom.
Only you are the expert of your experience , not me, not your partner, your best friend, or some guru on Instagram.
Only you know what is best and right and true for you so, please, sit with what I shared today but always filter it through your own experience and wisdom.
And, if you’re curious to explore this topic further ask yourself:
What am I craving and dreaming about that I’m not currently moving towards right now?
What beliefs do I have about my capacity to do that?
Are these beliefs helpful or harmful?
Do these beliefs feel like voices and ideas from my past (like a familiar voice from someone close to me) or are they coming from my body, from some bone-deep wisdom and inner knowing inside of me?
What do I imagine might happen if I begin to take action towards what I want?
What’s the worst-case scenario and what’s the best-case scenario?
Do I know anyone else who “started before they were ready” and who has happy outcomes I’d like for myself?
What would it take for me to emulate them? Would I like to do this?
The reality is, to quote the inimitable late Mary Oliver, we have (as far as we know) one wild and precious life.
What’s one example from your own life where you didn’t wait until you were fully healed to begin? And how did beginning that , starting before you maybe felt ready , actually support your healing process?
Q: Do I need to be fully healed before dating or pursuing a career goal?
A: No. The essay challenges the idea that there is a final healed-enough destination that must be reached before good things are allowed.
Q: Why does “I am too broken” feel so convincing?
A: Relational trauma can leave beliefs about impaired self-worth that feel factual even when they are not accurate descriptions of your current capacity.
Q: Can taking action actually help healing?
A: The essay argues that lived, reparative experiences can build agency, competence, support, and more functional beliefs.
Q: How do I balance action with self-trust?
A: You remain the expert on your experience. The invitation is to distinguish an old limiting voice from your own grounded, embodied wisdom.
Q: What should I ask myself before moving toward a dream?
A: Consider what you long for, what beliefs are holding you back, whether those beliefs are helpful, and what you imagine could happen if you begin.
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Annie Wright, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist · Relational Trauma Specialist · W.W. Norton Author
“Helping driven women finally feel as good as their résumé looks.”
Annie Wright is a licensed psychotherapist with 15,000+ clinical hours since 2013 and an EMDRIA Certified Therapist. She’s the founder and former CEO of Evergreen Counseling, a multimillion-dollar trauma-informed therapy center she successfully exited. She’s currently writing her first book, The Everything Years: Navigating the Pressure and Promise of Your Thirties, with W.W. Norton (2027). Her expert commentary has appeared in Psychology Today, Forbes, Business Insider, NBC News, and The Information.
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Annie Wright, LMFT
LMFT · Relational Trauma Specialist · Author, W.W. Norton 2027
Helping driven women finally feel as good as their résumé looks.
Annie Wright is an EMDR-certified licensed psychotherapist and relational trauma specialist with over 15,000 clinical hours, and she's been in practice since 2013. Trained in EMDR, psychodynamic, and somatic modalities, she is licensed in 14 U.S. jurisdictions and registered to provide telehealth in Florida (California, Colorado (telehealth only), Connecticut, the District of Columbia, Florida, Illinois, Maine, Maryland, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, Texas, Utah, Virginia, and Washington). Annie works with driven and ambitious women from relational trauma backgrounds, and everything she writes about is field-tested across thousands of clinical sessions. She is the founder and former CEO of Evergreen Counseling, a multimillion-dollar trauma-informed therapy center she built, scaled, and successfully exited, and is currently writing her first book, The Everything Years: Navigating the Pressure and Promise of Your Thirties, with W.W. Norton (2027). A regular contributor to Psychology Today, her expert commentary has appeared in USA Today, Forbes, Business Insider, Inc., NBC, and The Information.
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