As a follow up to my letter to you two weeks ago where we explored the question, “What if I never meet The One?”, today I wanted to address another question that can keep many 20, 30, and 40-something women up at night: not knowing if you want to have children or not.
SUMMARY
Ambivalence about having children is one of the most honest feelings a person can sit with — and one of the least discussed. For driven, ambitious women navigating their thirties and forties, the question of whether to have children can be layered with relational trauma history, relationship uncertainty, identity, career, and fear. This post normalizes that ambivalence and offers a framework for exploring it more clearly.
Childfree Ambivalence
Childfree ambivalence refers to the state of genuine uncertainty about whether to have children — neither firmly wanting them nor firmly not wanting them. This ambivalence is distinct from avoidance or procrastination; it reflects a real internal conflict between competing values, fears, desires, and identities. For women with relational trauma histories, this ambivalence is often amplified by fear of repeating family-of-origin patterns.
Related reading: What does it mean to be an ambitious, upwardly mobile woman from a relational trauma background?, Attachment Trauma: How Early Relationships Shape Your Adult Connections, Trauma and Relationships: When Your Professional Strengths Become Your Relationship Blindspots
In my opinion, the topic of feeling ambivalent about having children does not get nearly enough attention in our society but it’s a topic that countless women face, today likely more than ever.
So in this post, I’m going to address the issue when you don’t know if you want to have children. But also provide you with a long list of prompts you can use to work through any ambivalence you may have about this topic.
And if you’re one of my readers who’s not ambivalent about having children – maybe you’re crystal clear you do or don’t want them, or maybe you even have children already – I still encourage you to read the post to learn some inquiries and questions that might help out someone you know and love who is feeling ambivalent and very confused. Consider it a cheat sheet to help you know what to empathetically say and ask the next time your little sister/friend/college roommate vulnerably discloses that she’s possibly-maybe ambivalent about having kids…
Join me to keep reading this latest letter from the archive.
What’s Running Your Life?
The invisible patterns you can’t outwork…
Your LinkedIn profile tells one story. Your 3 AM thoughts tell another. If vacation makes you anxious, if praise feels hollow, if you’re planning your next move before finishing the current one—you’re not alone. And you’re *not* broken.
This quiz reveals the invisible patterns from childhood that keep you running. Why enough is never enough. Why success doesn’t equal satisfaction. Why rest feels like risk.
Five minutes to understand what’s really underneath that exhausting, constant drive.
How Relational Trauma Shapes This Decision
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it normal to feel ambivalent about having children?
Completely normal — and more common than culture admits. Ambivalence doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or that you don’t want children enough. It means you’re sitting with a genuinely complex decision that touches on identity, relationships, fear, desire, and the future. That complexity deserves to be honored, not rushed.
How does childhood relational trauma affect the decision to have children?
Childhood relational trauma often amplifies ambivalence about parenthood. Fears of repeating harmful patterns, concerns about one’s capacity for attunement and emotional regulation, and grief about one’s own lost childhood can all make the prospect of parenting feel charged and complicated. Therapy can help separate the trauma-driven fears from your actual desires.
What questions can help me work through ambivalence about having children?
Useful questions include: What do I imagine losing if I become a parent — and how much does that matter to me? What do I imagine gaining? What fear is underneath my ambivalence? If I could guarantee my child would be fine, would I want one? What parts of my own childhood am I afraid of repeating — and what work have I done or could I do on those?
Can therapy help with childbearing ambivalence?
Yes. Therapy can help you distinguish between fear-based hesitation and genuine preference, process underlying relational trauma that may be driving the ambivalence, and clarify your actual values and desires beneath the noise. This is particularly important for women in their mid-to-late thirties, where the decision feels time-pressured.
What if my partner and I feel differently about having children?
Differing desires around children is one of the few relationship incompatibilities that typically cannot be fully compromised — one person giving up what they deeply want will likely breed resentment over time. Couples therapy can help partners have honest, clear conversations about their respective desires and what the options are before the window closes.
This is part of our comprehensive guide on this topic. For the full picture, read: Outgrowing Your Origins: A Complete Guide.
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post is for psychoeducational and informational purposes only and does not constitute therapy, clinical advice, or a therapist-client relationship. For full details, please read our Medical Disclaimer. If you are in crisis, please call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line).
You deserve a life that feels as good as it looks. Let’s work on that together.
