Do You See Yourself in This Definition of Relational Trauma?
What is relational trauma, exactly? Annie Wright, LMFT shares the working definition she’s used in her clinical work for years, along with ten amalgam vignettes drawn from hundreds of clients , so you can see whether your own story fits inside it.
- How Annie Wright, LMFT defines relational trauma.
- What types of childhood trauma experiences fall under this definition.
In my last piece, I shared six reasons why many people struggle to see themselves in the historically understood definition of “childhood trauma.” Those six reasons boiled down to the limitations of historical definitions, the subtlety of certain experiences, mother being the abuser, abusers who weren’t guardians or parents, material privilege acting as a perceived neutralizer, gaslighting, and preconceived notions about what “counted” as abuse or trauma.
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There are, of course, many more reasons why people struggle to see themselves inside the definition of “childhood trauma,” and all of those reasons are what led me to using the term “relational trauma” very often in my work. In today’s essay, I want to share my definition of relational trauma with you and share some amalgam vignettes that reflect experiences captured by this definition, with the hope that you may see the subtlety of your own experiences more clearly.
My Definition of Relational Trauma
“Relational trauma is the kind of trauma that results over the course of time in the context of a power-imbalanced and dysfunctional relationship (usually between a child and caregiver but also between a child/adolescent and systems/communities) that results in a host of complex and lingering biopsychosocial impacts for the individual who subjectively endured the trauma and was overwhelmed by the experience.” , Annie Wright, LMFT
In plain terms: it’s not one bad moment. It’s a pattern that unfolds inside a relationship where someone had more power than you, over time, in a way your body and mind couldn’t fully cope with.
Over time, in response to what I experienced as limitations in how we have historically and collectively come to understand childhood trauma, I created a relational trauma definition that, to me, felt more expansive. And honestly, one of the biggest pieces of feedback I receive about this definition and what I put out online is this: “Ah, finally, there’s a name for what I went through…”
I’m not here to say this is the only or penultimate definition of relational trauma. But I am here to say that when we use a more expansive definition of trauma , one that includes subjectivity at its core and more nuance in the how and why , we can help clients see themselves and their lived experience more clearly and, quite frankly, feel more validated.
Examples of Potential Relational Trauma Experiences
A composite, blended scenario drawn from patterns across many different clients’ lived experiences, rather than a description of any single real person.
In plain terms: these aren’t stories about one client. They’re patterns I’ve seen echoed across hundreds of clients over thirteen years, blended together so you might recognize a piece of your own story inside them.
Beyond a more expansive definition, one thing that can help so many of us from relational trauma backgrounds feel seen, validated, and normalized is seeing and hearing stories that reflect back aspects of our own lived experience. The vignettes below are amalgams , meaning mixed, blended stories , from the hundreds of clients I’ve worked with over the last thirteen years, reflecting situations and experiences that can lead to relational trauma depending on how they were subjectively experienced by the individual who moved through them.
A note before you read on: these vignettes might feel triggering. Please stop reading if you feel emotionally triggered or notice uncomfortable feelings coming up in your body that you’d prefer not to feel right now. Take care of yourself.
- A father constantly criticizes his teenage daughter’s appearance, comparing her to her friends and celebrities, telling her she needs to lose weight or dress differently to be accepted and loved by others, and telling her it’s “just for her own good” , he doesn’t want her to feel like the odd one out, like he was.
- An older, much stronger and bigger brother constantly bullies his younger, smaller sister, calling her names, hitting her, and hiding her belongings, while the parents dismiss it as normal sibling behavior and do nothing to intervene.
- A mother micromanages every aspect of her son’s life, from his homework to his friendships, telling him he will fail if he doesn’t follow her instructions exactly, or if he doesn’t spend time with “worthwhile people.” All of this erodes his ability to choose freely, but she claims she’s just being a responsible parent, trying to get him into the Ivy League and into the “right” social crowd.
- A church shames and ostracizes a child for questioning promulgated beliefs or behaviors, labeling the child as a sinner or damned, while the parents support the church’s actions and refuse to protect their child, citing “it’s for their own good, this is what Jesus wants.”
- A father consistently undermines his son’s confidence by mocking his interests, achievements, and any hint of effeminacy the son displays, telling him he will never amount to anything, but justifying his actions by saying he’s preparing his son for the “real world” and that only “real men” can make it in life.
- Boarding school teachers physically and emotionally abuse a student, using excessive discipline, humiliation, and isolation, while the parents dismiss their child’s complaints as exaggerations and insist they endure it for the sake of education.
- Parents impose unrealistic expectations on their children, demanding perfection in academics, sports, and behavior. Any mistake or failure is met with severe criticism, emotional withdrawal, and sometimes physical punishment.
- A sibling incites fear in their younger brother by frequently threatening harm or abandonment, using intimidation to control and manipulate, while parents see the older sibling as just being strict or protective.
- A mother constantly invades her teenage son’s privacy, reading his journal, going through his phone, and questioning his friends, all under the guise of protecting him, but really undermining his sense of autonomy, trust, and safety with her.
Each of these vignettes illustrates a dysfunctional, power-imbalanced relationship where the behavior of those with more power may lead the child or adolescent to subjectively feel overwhelmed and unable to cope. Each has the potential to be a relational trauma experience with a lingering host of biopsychosocial impacts for the person who endured it.
Q: What is relational trauma?
A: Relational trauma is trauma that results over time in the context of a power-imbalanced and dysfunctional relationship , usually between a child and caregiver, but also between a child or adolescent and a system or community , that results in complex and lingering biopsychosocial impacts.
Q: How is relational trauma different from a single traumatic event?
A: Relational trauma unfolds over time inside a relationship, rather than happening in a single, discrete incident. It’s the accumulation of a dysfunctional dynamic, not one bad day.
Q: What is an amalgam vignette?
A: An amalgam vignette is a composite, blended scenario drawn from patterns across many clients’ experiences, used to illustrate a type of trauma without describing any one real person.
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Q: Can relational trauma come from someone other than a parent?
A: Yes. Relational trauma can result from a power-imbalanced relationship with any caregiver figure, including siblings, or from systems and communities like schools, religious institutions, or peer groups.
Q: Why does having a name for this experience matter?
A: Many people describe a sense of relief on first encountering a clear definition of relational trauma , a feeling of, “finally, there’s a name for what I went through.” Naming an experience is often the first step toward feeling validated and seeking the right support.
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Annie Wright, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist · Relational Trauma Specialist · Author, W.W. Norton 2027
“Helping driven women finally feel as good as their résumé looks.”
Annie Wright is a licensed psychotherapist with 15,000+ clinical hours since 2013 and an EMDRIA Certified Therapist. She’s the founder and former CEO of Evergreen Counseling, a multimillion-dollar trauma-informed therapy center she successfully exited. She’s currently writing her first book, The Everything Years: Navigating the Pressure and Promise of Your Thirties, with W.W. Norton (2027). Her expert commentary has appeared in Psychology Today, Forbes, Business Insider, NBC News, and The Information.
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This article is educational and isn’t a substitute for therapy, diagnosis, or a clinical relationship with a licensed mental health provider. If you’re in crisis, call or text 988 (US) or visit findahelpline.com. See our Medical Disclaimer and Editorial Policy.
Annie Wright, LMFT
LMFT · Relational Trauma Specialist · Author, W.W. Norton 2027
Helping driven women finally feel as good as their résumé looks.
Annie Wright is an EMDR-certified licensed psychotherapist and relational trauma specialist with over 15,000 clinical hours, and she's been in practice since 2013. Trained in EMDR, psychodynamic, and somatic modalities, she is licensed in 14 U.S. jurisdictions and registered to provide telehealth in Florida (California, Colorado (telehealth only), Connecticut, the District of Columbia, Florida, Illinois, Maine, Maryland, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, Texas, Utah, Virginia, and Washington). Annie works with driven and ambitious women from relational trauma backgrounds, and everything she writes about is field-tested across thousands of clinical sessions. She is the founder and former CEO of Evergreen Counseling, a multimillion-dollar trauma-informed therapy center she built, scaled, and successfully exited, and is currently writing her first book, The Everything Years: Navigating the Pressure and Promise of Your Thirties, with W.W. Norton (2027). A regular contributor to Psychology Today, her expert commentary has appeared in USA Today, Forbes, Business Insider, Inc., NBC, and The Information.
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