Covert Narcissism: Understanding and Healing From Its Effects
Covert narcissism can be difficult to recognize because its control, self-focus, and manipulation often appear beneath a quieter or more self-effacing surface. This essay explains common signs, the impacts of being raised by someone who behaves this way, and why naming the pattern can support clearer boundaries, grief, and healing.
Naming the Pattern
And so, today, I want to devote this essay to exploring what covert narcissism is, how it shows up, what the impacts of it can be, and why it matters to talk about this, especially for those of us who come from relational trauma backgrounds.
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Narcissism is a term that is, more than ever, commonly used in our everyday language.
However, it’s important to bear in mind that the definition of narcissism can vary based on the context in which it is used.
In my field, narcissism is defined and characterized by an excessive love or admiration of oneself, often to the detriment of others.
Within this definition, it’s important to realize that actions and behaviors resulting from narcissistic tendencies encompass an extensive spectrum , from overt, grandiose expressions to more covert, unobtrusive forms.
Covert narcissism, a subtle and often insidious form of self-absorption, often lurks undetected beneath the surface of seemingly cordial interactions which is how and why it can be so difficult to spot but yet still so impactful.
In this essay, I’ll explore what exactly covert narcissism is, share examples of covert narcissistic behavior, how to recognize covert narcissism, probable causes of covert narcissism, the impacts of having someone with covert narcissism in your life, and, most importantly, how to heal from its effects.
Delving into the topic of covert narcissism, it becomes increasingly evident that this subtle form of narcissism is complex.
Characterized by a person’s inclination to cloak their narcissistic traits, covert narcissism stands in stark contrast to its overt counterpart, which is marked by grandiosity and attention-seeking behavior.
It may seem paradoxical that covert narcissists often portray themselves as introverted, shy, or even selfless individuals when in reality, their motivations are deeply rooted in an ardent desire for admiration, attention, and control within their relationships.
While covert narcissistic behavior can be challenging to spot, some of the common signs and signals might include:
Playing the victim: Covert narcissists often position themselves as the victim in situations, seeking attention and validation from others including from their children.
Gaslighting: Covert narcissists may manipulate others into doubting their own experiences or perceptions, often to maintain control and/or influence over them.
Lack of empathy: People with covert narcissism may struggle to understand or acknowledge the feelings and needs of others, instead prioritizing their own feelings and needs.
Passive-aggressive behavior: Covert narcissists may use subtle tactics, such as withholding affection or giving someone the silent treatment in order to control and manipulate them.
Covert narcissism describes narcissistic traits expressed through subtle, vulnerable-seeming, indirect, or self-effacing behavior rather than overt grandiosity.
In plain terms: The behavior may look quiet on the surface while still asking others to orbit the person’s needs, image, and control.
How Covert Narcissism Can Show Up
Projection: Covert narcissists may project their own faults, insecurities, and shortcomings onto others, often to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior and vulnerabilities.
And these are just a handful of the ways that covert narcissism can manifest.
Most of us in our relational trauma journeys will, at some point, ask the question, “Why is this person the way that they are?”
When it comes to covert narcissism, the origins are complex and unique to every individual in the same way that any constellation of manifested mental health symptomology is a complicated confluence of variables.
But, speaking in broad strokes, a myriad of factors can contribute to the development of narcissistic tendencies, with childhood experiences often taking center stage.
For instance, in an attempt to navigate through the pain and insecurity arising from traumatizing events or neglect, some individuals may turn to narcissism as a coping mechanism. In other words, it results from wounding.
On the other end of the spectrum, a hyper-affectionate upbringing involving overly generous praise and inappropriate coddling may inadvertently breed an inflated sense of self-worth, ultimately manifesting as narcissistic behavior.
And while it can be helpful to ask the question of what causes covert narcissism in someone, I think the more important question by far is “What are the impacts of having been raised by a covert narcissist? How did this impact me?”
This may go without saying, but growing up with a parent who has covert narcissism can have a significant impact on a child’s development and well-being.
Although the effects of covert narcissism can be subtle, they can be just as damaging as those of overt narcissism.
Below are some common impacts of growing up with a parent who has covert narcissism:
Difficulty establishing boundaries: Children of covert narcissists may struggle to establish healthy boundaries, as their parent may have manipulated and controlled them throughout their childhood leaving them with a lack of or distorted understanding of their boundaries and the boundaries of others.
Low self-esteem: Covert narcissists may project their insecurities onto their children, leaving them feeling inadequate or unworthy.
Lack of emotional support: Covert narcissists may struggle with empathy, making it difficult for them to respond to their children’s emotional needs. This can leave children feeling isolated, unsupported, and mis- and un-attuned to.
Gaslighting: Covert narcissists may use gaslighting tactics to control and manipulate their children, making it difficult for them to trust their own experiences and perceptions as they move through the world.
Emotional manipulation: Covert narcissists may use emotional manipulation to control their children, leaving them feeling guilty or responsible for their parent’s feelings and behavior.
Gaslighting is a manipulative pattern that causes another person to doubt their own perceptions, experiences, or memory.
In plain terms: It can leave you second-guessing what happened and wondering whether you are allowed to trust yourself.
Its Impact and the Path Toward Healing
Invalidation: Covert narcissists may invalidate their children’s emotions and experiences, dismissing or minimizing their feelings and needs, effectively teaching a child that they don’t matter.
Intense criticism: Covert narcissists may be highly critical of their children, leaving them feeling like they can never meet their parent’s expectations.
Fear of abandonment: Covert narcissists may use threats of abandonment or withdrawal of affection to control their children, leaving them feeling anxious, insecure, and insecurely attached.
Difficulty forming healthy relationships: Children of covert narcissists may struggle recognizing healthy, functional behavior in others and instead be drawn to familiar, templated examples of covert narcissistic behavior in their friends, romantic relationships, and more.
And this is just a sample of the impacts that a child raised by a covert narcissistic parent can experience.
Because, as readers of my blog have long heard me say, when we can name a thing plainly and see it more clearly, we become more aware of ourselves and others and are more equipped to make better more functional choices in our lives.
Choices like getting ourselves into therapy to heal from the impacts of having grown up with a parent who was covertly narcissistic.
Choices like strengthening our boundaries , including who we let into our life, what kind of communication we allow towards us, etc.
Choices like being mindful of our own communication patterns, being conscious of not replicating the poor patterns we saw modeled while growing up.
And, moreover, talking about covert narcissism and seeing it more plainly should anyone in our childhood or adult life present in this way, allows us to grieve what we didn’t receive and stop proverbially going to the hardware store for milk.
All of which is critical to our relational trauma recovery journeys.
So, if you resonated with today’s article, if a lightbulb went off for you as you read about what covert narcissism is and what it can look like, and you recognize yourself in the list of impacts, I’d love to encourage you to seek out professional mental health support.
Being raised by (or currently partnered to) a covert narcissist can have damaging impacts, yes, but change is possible until the day we die if we’re willing to do the work of grieving, meaning making, and re-learning any missed developmental milestones.
If today’s essay resonated with you, if you learned something new from it, I’d be delighted to hear from you in the comments below.
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Q: What is the difference between covert and overt narcissism?
A: Overt narcissism is more visibly grandiose and attention-seeking, while covert narcissism can appear shy, selfless, or wounded while still being organized around admiration and control.
Q: Can covert narcissism include playing the victim?
A: Yes. Positioning oneself as the victim can be used to seek validation and direct the emotional attention of others.
Q: How can a covertly narcissistic parent affect a child?
A: The essay describes impacts including boundary difficulties, low self-esteem, invalidation, emotional manipulation, and trouble trusting one’s own experience.
Q: Should I focus on why the person became this way?
A: The causes may be complex, but this essay emphasizes the importance of also asking how their behavior affected you.
Q: What can healing look like after this kind of upbringing?
A: Naming the pattern, seeking therapy, strengthening boundaries, grieving what was not received, and choosing healthier communication can all be part of healing.
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Annie Wright, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist · Relational Trauma Specialist · W.W. Norton Author
“Helping driven women finally feel as good as their résumé looks.”
Annie Wright is a licensed psychotherapist with 15,000+ clinical hours since 2013 and an EMDRIA Certified Therapist. She’s the founder and former CEO of Evergreen Counseling, a multimillion-dollar trauma-informed therapy center she successfully exited. She’s currently writing her first book, The Everything Years: Navigating the Pressure and Promise of Your Thirties, with W.W. Norton (2027). Her expert commentary has appeared in Psychology Today, Forbes, Business Insider, NBC News, and The Information.
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Annie Wright, LMFT
LMFT · Relational Trauma Specialist · Author, W.W. Norton 2027
Helping driven women finally feel as good as their résumé looks.
Annie Wright is an EMDR-certified licensed psychotherapist and relational trauma specialist with over 15,000 clinical hours, and she's been in practice since 2013. Trained in EMDR, psychodynamic, and somatic modalities, she is licensed in 14 U.S. jurisdictions and registered to provide telehealth in Florida (California, Colorado (telehealth only), Connecticut, the District of Columbia, Florida, Illinois, Maine, Maryland, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, Texas, Utah, Virginia, and Washington). Annie works with driven and ambitious women from relational trauma backgrounds, and everything she writes about is field-tested across thousands of clinical sessions. She is the founder and former CEO of Evergreen Counseling, a multimillion-dollar trauma-informed therapy center she built, scaled, and successfully exited, and is currently writing her first book, The Everything Years: Navigating the Pressure and Promise of Your Thirties, with W.W. Norton (2027). A regular contributor to Psychology Today, her expert commentary has appeared in USA Today, Forbes, Business Insider, Inc., NBC, and The Information.
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