TL;DR –Traditional definitions of childhood trauma often focus solely on abuse by primary caregivers, leaving many people unable to recognize their own traumatic experiences because their abusers were siblings, teachers, religious leaders, or peers while their parents failed to protect them. Relational trauma actually encompasses any power-imbalanced, dysfunctional relationship—whether with boarding school teachers who use excessive discipline, older siblings who terrorize younger ones, religious communities that shame and ostracize, or persistent school bullying that authorities dismiss. The crucial factor often overlooked is parental complicity: when caregivers fail to intervene, whether through ignorance or willful neglect, they become part of the trauma system, compounding the child's sense of betrayal and abandonment.
Expanding our understanding of relational trauma validates experiences that have long been minimized or dismissed—the child sent to boarding school who endured abuse for "prestigious education," the younger sibling whose torment was labeled "normal sibling rivalry," the teen ostracized by their church for questioning beliefs. This broader definition recognizes that trauma isn't just about who directly inflicted harm but also about who failed to protect, who dismissed concerns, and which systems enabled the abuse. Understanding trauma through this wider lens allows for more comprehensive treatment and helps countless individuals finally recognize that their suffering was real, valid, and deserving of healing attention.
“Trauma is not just what happens within the walls of a home. It can occur in schools, places of worship, and any other environment where power dynamics are exploited and individuals are subjected to harm and control.”
– Judith Herman, MD
Childhood trauma is a concept that has traditionally been understood in the context of the abuse and neglect perpetrated by primary caregivers.
However, this narrow definition, in my personal and professional opinions, often fails to capture the full spectrum of traumatic experiences that can profoundly impact an individual’s mental health and well-being.
As a therapist specializing in childhood trauma recovery, I’ve encountered many individuals whose traumatic experiences were not recognized because their abusers were siblings or members of their community, and their caregivers did nothing to intervene.
These folks wouldn’t see themselves and their experiences in “traditional definitions” of childhood trauma so, to address this gap and because my own understanding has deepened over time, I’ve developed what I hope is a more inclusive definition of relational trauma:
“Relational trauma is the kind that results over the course of time in the context of a power-imbalanced and dysfunctional relationship (usually between a child and caregiver but also between a child/adolescent and systems/communities) that results in a host of complex and lingering biopsychosocial impacts for the individual who subjectively endured the trauma and was overwhelmed by the experience.”
– Annie Wright, LMFT
Why we need to expand the scope of relational trauma experiences.
I’ve said this dozens of times before. But in my clinical experience and in my lived experience, I’ve found that many individuals struggle to see themselves in the classic definitions of childhood trauma.
Often, this is because the abusers were not their parents. Rather, they were siblings, teachers, or community leaders, and their parents failed to protect them.
This broader understanding is crucial. It validates the experiences of those who endured abuse in less recognized contexts.
What are some of these less recognized contexts?
Examples of non-caregiver relational trauma might include:
1) Boarding school teacher trauma.
“The experience of being sent away to boarding school can be deeply traumatic for many children. The lack of parental warmth and the harsh disciplinary regimes often found in these institutions can lead to long-term emotional and psychological difficulties.”
– McGuffin, D. (2012). The Impact of Boarding School on Attachment and Later Relationships.
Curious if you come from a relational trauma background?
Take this 5-minute, 25-question quiz to find out — and learn what to do next if you do.
START THE QUIZConsider the case of boarding school teachers who physically and emotionally abuse a student. They may use excessive discipline, humiliation, and isolation as control tactics. In these scenarios, parents, often dismissive of their child’s complaints, may insist that their child endures the abuse for the sake of a prestigious education.
This lack of parental intervention exacerbates the relational trauma experience, leaving the child feeling isolated and unsupported. Now, before you come at me and tell me that this far-fetched, you don’t need to look much further than examples in the books of Roald Dahl, CS Lewis, and JK Rowling for pop culture examples of this, reflecting a pattern that is likely alive and well today beyond the 1950’s and the Halls of Hogwarts.
2) Sibling abuse.
“The impact of sibling abuse can be profound, often leading to psychological issues such as anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. It is a serious problem that deserves more attention from both researchers and clinicians.”
– Wiehe, V. R. (1997). Sibling Abuse: Hidden Physical, Emotional, and Sexual Trauma.
Sibling abuse is another often overlooked form of relational trauma. An older sibling might incite fear in their younger siblings by frequently threatening harm, humiliation, or abandonment, using intimidation to control and manipulate.
Parents may see the older sibling as simply being strict or protective, failing to recognize the severe emotional and psychological harm being inflicted on the younger child. If you’re a Stranger Things fan like I am, the chilling relationship between Billy Hargrove and his stepsister Max Mayfield includes emotional and physical abuse, always an example I share when I need to illustrate sibling abuse, or another experience.
3) Church trauma.
“Religious trauma syndrome (RTS) is a condition experienced by people who are struggling with leaving an authoritarian, dogmatic religion and coping with the damage of indoctrination. It can result in depression, anxiety, grief, and difficulty in relationships.”
– Winell, M. (2011). Leaving the Fold: A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Others Leaving Their Religion.
In some cases, religious and spiritual institutions can be sources of significant trauma. A church that shames and ostracizes a child for questioning its beliefs can inflict deep psychological wounds. If parents support the church’s actions and refuse to protect their child, citing religious justifications, the child’s trauma is compounded by a profound sense of betrayal and abandonment.
For many, many examples of this look no further than the library of documentaries Netflix has that illustrates church trauma: “The Keepers”, “Wild Wild Country”, “Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath”, “The Family”, “Explained: Cults”, “Murder Among the Mormons”, “Holy Hell”. And personally, I always lean on “Handmaid’s Tale” as another example that can spring from cult-like religions…
4) School-based bullying trauma.
“The impacts of bullying are profound and enduring. Victims of bullying often experience higher rates of mental health problems, such as anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation, which can persist well into adulthood.”
– Bradshaw, C. P., & Waasdorp, T. E. (2013). Effective Strategies for Preventing Bullying in Schools.
Imagine a scenario where a child is repeatedly, persistently, and painfully bullied by peers at school. The bullying might cause physical assaults, verbal harassment, and social exclusion. Despite the child’s repeated reports to teachers and school administrators, the school fails to take effective action to stop the bullying. Instead, the administration downplays the incidents to the child and to the parents, labeling them as typical childhood conflicts.
The child’s parents trust the school’s authority and want to avoid conflict. They tell their child to toughen up and ignore the bullies. This lack of intervention and support from both the school and parents leads to the child feeling isolated, helpless, and unsafe. A grim and extreme pop culture portrayal of the damage of school-based bullying can be seen in everyone’s favorite Mainer – Stephen King’s chilling phenomenon Carrie.
Sibling and community trauma: parental complicity and clinical implications.
In each of these examples, I’d be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge that parents/guardians play a crucial role.
Even if they are not the direct perpetrators of abuse, their failure to intervene renders them complicit.
This complicity raises significant clinical questions. If parents are unaware of the abuse, it suggests a lack of attentiveness and emotional attunement. Which are essential for healthy child development.
On the other hand, if they are aware but choose not to act, it reflects a deeply disturbing neglect of their protective role, contributing to the child’s trauma (of course).
Seeking Support for Expanded Relational Trauma
When your trauma doesn’t fit the traditional mold—when it came from siblings your parents called “protective,” teachers at prestigious schools, religious leaders your family revered, or bullies adults dismissed—finding a therapist who understands this broader scope becomes essential.
A skilled therapist recognizes that the betrayal of parental protection can be as damaging as direct abuse, and that trauma inflicted by siblings or community members while caregivers stood by creates unique wounds requiring specialized attention. In therapy, you can finally name what happened without having to justify why it “counts” as trauma, exploring both the original wounds and the compounded damage of not being believed or protected.
This validation alone can be profoundly healing for those who’ve spent years questioning whether their suffering was “bad enough” to warrant attention. For those beginning to recognize these patterns, exploring familiar experiences from a relational trauma background can help validate that your responses and struggles make perfect sense given what you endured.
The therapeutic space becomes a place where all forms of relational trauma are recognized as legitimate, where sibling terrorism isn’t minimized as rivalry, where religious abuse isn’t excused as faith, and where your need for protection—then and now—is finally honored.
Wrapping up.
I’ll be writing much more in the future about parental/guardian complicity. But for now, and for the sake of this essay, recognizing that trauma can be inflicted by siblings, teachers, and community leaders—and that parental complicity plays a significant and damaging role—allows for a more comprehensive approach to treatment and validation of these experiences.
Hopefully by sharing this information about what other sources of relational trauma might be, you may have seen yourself and your experience more clearly.
And now I’d love to hear from you in the comments:
Do you relate to struggling with applying the term “childhood trauma” to your own story? Did you see yourself in any of the six reasons I listed?
Here’s to healing relational trauma and creating thriving lives on solid foundations.
Warmly,
Annie
