Trauma recovery requires effort towards feeling enlivened.
Trauma recovery requires effort towards feeling enlivened.
Mental Health & Wellness • June 25, 2023
SUMMARY
You may have numbed your nervous system as a survival strategy to handle relational trauma, but that numbness now holds you back from feeling truly alive and connected to your own joy and vitality. Healing from trauma requires both reducing pain and actively efforting toward feeling enlivened—rediscovering pleasure and genuine engagement with life is not optional, but a necessary part of your recovery.
Trauma recovery is the active, ongoing process of healing from deeply painful or distressing experiences that have shaped your emotional and relational life. It is not simply about eliminating pain or forgetting what happened — it’s about learning to live with the complexity of those wounds while also reclaiming your capacity for joy, connection, and aliveness. This matters to you because trauma recovery requires effort not just to soothe or numb pain, but to build a life that feels enlivened and meaningful, often in ways that might feel unfamiliar or even scary at first. Healing means holding both the hard truths of your past and the possibility of new growth and pleasure — the both/and that keeps you moving forward without denying what’s real. You’re not just surviving; you’re learning how to feel fully alive again, on your own terms.
You may have numbed your nervous system as a survival strategy to handle relational trauma, but that numbness now holds you back from feeling truly alive and connected to your own joy and vitality.
Healing from trauma requires both reducing pain and actively efforting toward feeling enlivened—rediscovering pleasure and genuine engagement with life is not optional, but a necessary part of your recovery.
Your nervous system’s capacity for aliveness can be rebuilt through intentional practices that cultivate what makes you feel most alive, acknowledging that trauma recovery involves holding the pain and the possibility of growth simultaneously.
I blame it on Ewan McGregor.
SUMMARY
Trauma recovery is often framed as about removing pain — but it’s equally about building aliveness. If your nervous system learned to numb out as a survival strategy, rediscovering pleasure, vitality, and genuine engagement with life isn’t a luxury; it’s a core component of healing. This post makes the case for actively cultivating what makes you feel most alive.
That man and his motorcycle have cost me thousands of dollars.
And I’m not mad about it.
What do I mean?
Back in 2005 when I was a Peace Corps volunteer in Uzbekistan, a good friend of mine from my study abroad days in Scotland sent me some DVDs (remember those?) of “Long Way Round” – a 2004 show about Ewan McGregor and his good friend Charley Boorman riding their motorcycles around the world from London to New York “the long way round” through Eastern Europe, Central Asia, Russia, and over to the US.
My friend knew I loved travel dearly. And since they rode through Central Asia where I was at that time, he thought it would be fun for me to watch those DVDs.
He was right; not only did I love that show hugely. But I loved the next one they filmed a few years later in 2007. “Long Way Down”– where they again rode their motorcycles but this time from the top of Scotland down to South Africa.
The ardent traveler in me was always so nourished and inspired by watching those documented adventures!
BUT… it was also around 2007 that my own unresolved relational trauma history finally “caught up with me”. The next decade or so was spent doing really important adventuring. On the interior plane versus out in the external world.
I forgot about those DVDs. I couldn’t even let myself contemplate adventures like that. Things felt so painful inside of me, so barely held together.
Efforting towards feeling enlivened is a critical part of trauma recovery.
DEFINITION RELATIONAL TRAUMA
Relational trauma refers to psychological injury that occurs within the context of important relationships, particularly those with primary caregivers during childhood. Unlike single-incident trauma, relational trauma involves repeated experiences of emotional neglect, inconsistency, manipulation, or abuse within bonds where safety and trust should have been foundational.
Definition
Post-Traumatic Growth: Post-traumatic growth refers to the positive psychological changes — increased personal strength, deeper relationships, new possibilities, spiritual development — that can emerge from the struggle with highly challenging life circumstances. It does not minimize the pain of trauma; it acknowledges that healing can coexist with growth.
When I resurfaced briefly from my years of intensive trauma recovery and personal growth both through therapy and my years at Esalen, followed immediately by my super-busy-and-without-any-disposable-income-years of graduate school and clinical licensure, I made time for a few wonderful trips with my husband abroad (including eloping in New Zealand and babymooning across the Balkans) before my daughter was born with severe colic (which made traveling beyond a 5-minute radius of my house nearly impossible for the first year of her life). And just when that cleared up, COVID struck. And grounded my little family until Summer 2022. When vaccines for the 5 and under crowd rolled out.
All of us had our version of hard during the pandemic. And, like so many others, the COVID years took a toll on me in many, depleting, trying ways. One of those “smaller” ways was divorcing me from an activity that helped me in trauma recovery and filled me with so much vitality and excitement: traveling.
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But I didn’t know just how much of a toll that one aspect of the experience had taken on me.
I got a glimpse of the impact in Summer 2022, just before we got the news of the vaccine being available to my daughter when a random late-night Googling rabbit hole revealed that Ewan Mcgregor and Charley Boorman had reunited again to film “Long Way Up” – this time riding electric motorcycles from the most Southern Tip of Argentina to Los Angeles.
I binged it on Apple TV and all of a sudden, I could feel my old adventurer awaken inside me, I could feel a part of me “click on” again after years of being dormant and ignored.
That sense of aliveness and vitality I felt when I watched “Long Way Up” combined with receiving the wonderful news of the vaccine being available to my daughter made me start plotting and planning with my husband about how we could begin international travel again, but this time with our young daughter in tow.
Could we do it? Was it crazy to think we could adventure with her?
Would it feed me in the way it used to in the old days? How on earth would I brush up on my French and Spanish after so many years of not using them? What on earth do you pack when you travel to the Sahara with a preschooler?
I asked all of those questions and still plunged forward making plans with the mountain of travel credit card points that had accumulated after nearly four years of not being used.
From then until now – in the span of 12 months – my little family and I have taken some truly amazing adventures around the world and my daughter, the one-time colicky baby who couldn’t abide being in her car seat for more than five minutes – has been a total travel champ on 14-hour plane rides, cross country train rides, horse rides up mountains, camel rides through the desert, ferry rides crossing to Africa, and more.
And I’ve frankly, since inviting this part of me back into my life and centering it, I’ve never felt more alive and excited.
So why am I bringing this up today?
What does this have to do at all with relational trauma recovery work?
This act of re-integrating or integrating for the first time the things that make us feel alive, enlivened, connected, and fill our lives with meaning, purpose, and joy has everything to do with the third stage of relational trauma recovery work.
Leaders in the trauma recovery space, especially Judith Herman, MD, have posited that trauma recovery occurs in three discreet stages:
Stage One: Safety and Stabilization.
In this stage, we focus on ensuring one’s life is stable, sound, and equipped enough for the painful work that may be encountered in phase two. Stage one often involves learning about feelings, accessing and appropriately expressing feelings; ensuring safety both physically and emotionally and relationally; developing healthier, more adaptive coping mechanisms; and more foundational work required for the work of stage two.
Stage Two: Remembrance and Mourning.
In this stage, we confront the painful memories of our past, grieving them, feeling all our attendant feelings about them, making sense of our own personal history, and constructing a cohesive personal narrative about what happened to us and how we understand how the past impacted us.
Stage Three: Reconnection and Integration.
In stage three, we turn our efforts and energies into re-establishing (or establishing for the first time) healthy, functional relationships – with ourselves, others, and the world. We engage or re-engage with the activities of life that bring stability, nourishment, meaning and a sense of vitality and aliveness to us. Activities, places, people, and pursuits that we have turned away from, disowned, disavowed, or simply let fall to the wayside after the (often) hard, heavy work of trauma recovery.
I’ve written extensively about stages one and two in the past (albeit without necessarily explicitly naming that created content as part of those stages) but rarely have I written about stage three.
But, borrowing from the words of the renowned psychotherapist and trauma leader Babette Rothschild, LCSW “The first goal of trauma recovery should and must be to improve your quality of life on a daily basis.”
And so this work of the third stage – having the curiosity about what enlivens us and improves the quality of our lives – and making the efforts towards this is, I believe, a critical part of our relational trauma recovery work.
And this will look different for all of us!
“aw-pull-quote”
For me, I didn’t consciously mean to disown and make dormant that global traveler part of me; it unconsciously happened during my years of trauma recovery and then by necessity, it was deprioritized when I didn’t have disposable income in my graduate student days, colicky baby days, and the pandemic years before it was safe to travel with my daughter.
But re-engaging with this part of me has brought me a level of aliveness I haven’t felt in years and added so much to my quality of life in this third phase of relational trauma recovery work that I’m solidly in.
My invitation to you – no matter what phase of your own relational trauma work that you might be in – is not to dismiss, diminish, or disregard the value of reconnecting with the hobbies, interests, people, and parts of yourself that used to fill with you with vitality and a sense of being enlivened.
And if you’ve never felt that way, my invitation to you is to do the work to find out now what may bring you that.
To support you in this work, here are some prompts you can consider on your own or with your trauma therapist that could help reveal clues as to how this might look for you include:
Was there something you used to do before your relational trauma recovery work began that you no longer do? Something that time, emotional energy, or circumstances got de-prioritized (consciously or unconsciously)?
When you were younger, what did you daydream about? What filled your vision boards or Pinterest boards? Our early longings may still be salient and relevant. And it’s possible to have these authentic knowings. Even as we journey through trauma in our younger years. Don’t discount what little you knew even if little you suffered.
What sparks your jealousy when you see other people doing it? I’ve written about this before. But jealousy is a wonderful clue and opportunity to know more about what we ourselves may most want and need.
If you were parenting yourself again as a child, an adolescent, or a young adult, what experiences or opportunities would you give your younger self to help them experience the world and “try things on” to see what might light up their unique interests? Play around with this idea. Notice if you have the desire to do those things and how it feels as you engage with them.
Reclaiming Vitality Through Therapeutic Support
The journey from survival to aliveness in Stage Three of trauma recovery often requires therapeutic guidance to navigate the unexpected guilt, fear, or numbness that can arise when pursuing joy after years of pain.
A skilled trauma therapist understands that reconnecting with sources of vitality isn’t betraying your healing journey or minimizing your trauma—it’s completing it. They help you recognize how the importance of play and fun in relational trauma recovery work serves as medicine for a nervous system that’s been locked in survival mode, gently challenging the belief that you must earn pleasure through suffering or that feeling good means ignoring unfinished business.
In therapy, you explore what went dormant during your healing years—not as failure but as intelligent prioritization when all resources went toward stabilization and processing. Your therapist helps differentiate between healthy reconnection with pleasure and potentially harmful escapism, supporting you in titrating experiences of vitality so they don’t overwhelm a system still learning it’s safe to feel good.
Together, you might unpack why watching travel shows sparks something long-buried, why creative pursuits feel simultaneously magnetic and terrifying, or why allowing yourself adventure feels like betrayal of the wounded parts still healing.
This therapeutic work involves updating survival-based beliefs that pleasure is dangerous, that you don’t deserve joy until you’re “completely healed,” or that focusing on vitality means abandoning the parts of you still grieving. Your therapist witnesses and celebrates small victories—booking a day trip, trying a new hobby, saying yes to an invitation—understanding these aren’t distractions from healing but evidence of it.
Through consistent support, you learn that the traumatized parts and the vitality-seeking parts can coexist, that healing includes expansion not just excavation, and that feeling enlivened doesn’t erase your trauma story but adds crucial chapters about resilience, possibility, and your fundamental right to a life that feels worth living.
Wrapping up.
Again, the things that may give you a sense of feeling enlivened, vital, and on purpose may look very different than what it does for me or for anyone else.
Only you are the expert of your experience and only you know best what may be right for you.
But if you related at all to my essay today and if there’s a dormant inner adventurer in you that’s been tucked aside as you’ve focused on the “interior adventure” of relational trauma recovery work, I heartily recommend that you stream any of those shows I mentioned in the intro to see what it lights up in you!
And if you feel so inclined, please leave me a message in the comments about what this essay evoked:
Did it spark your curiosity about what stage of relational trauma recovery work you might be in? Did you feel any curiosity or knowing about what does or might help you feel more vital and alive?
I’d love to hear from you and so would so others, I imagine. We get about 25,000 website visitors a month on this little corner of the internet and you never know whose day you’re making better by sharing your experience in the comments.
So thank you in advance for sharing.
Here’s to healing relational trauma and creating thriving lives on solid foundations.
Warmly,
Annie
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Why do I feel so drained and unfulfilled, even though I’m successful and always busy?
It’s common for driven, ambitious women with a history of trauma to feel depleted, as constantly striving can mask underlying emotional exhaustion. True recovery involves actively seeking out and engaging in activities that genuinely energize and fulfill you, rather than just pushing through. This shift helps reconnect you with your authentic self and cultivate a sense of inner vitality.
How can I start feeling more alive and connected when past trauma has made me feel numb or detached?
Feeling numb is a protective mechanism developed in response to trauma, but it can hinder your ability to experience joy. To begin feeling more alive, gently reintroduce small moments of sensory pleasure and mindful presence into your day. This could be savoring a warm drink, noticing nature, or engaging in a creative pursuit, gradually expanding your capacity for positive emotions.
I know I need to heal from my past, but the idea of putting in more ‘effort’ feels exhausting. How do I find the motivation?
It’s understandable to feel overwhelmed by the effort trauma recovery demands, especially when you’re already expending so much energy in other areas of your life. Instead of viewing it as another task, consider it an investment in your well-being and a path to genuine freedom. Start with small, manageable steps that feel nurturing, not draining, to build momentum and rediscover your inner strength.
What does ‘feeling enlivened’ actually mean in the context of trauma recovery, and how is it different from just being happy?
Feeling enlivened in trauma recovery goes beyond fleeting happiness; it’s a deep sense of vitality, purpose, and authentic connection to yourself and the world. It means experiencing a full range of emotions without being overwhelmed, engaging with life with curiosity, and having the energy to pursue what truly matters to you. It’s about reclaiming your inner spark that trauma may have dimmed.
I tend to overthink and analyze everything. How can I shift from intellectual understanding of my trauma to actually feeling and processing it to become more enlivened?
driven, ambitious women often rely on their intellect, but trauma healing requires engaging with emotions and bodily sensations. To move beyond intellectualizing, practice mindfulness and body-awareness exercises to gently connect with your internal experiences. This helps integrate your cognitive understanding with your emotional reality, allowing for deeper processing and a more embodied sense of aliveness.
Further Reading on Relational Trauma
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As a licensed psychotherapist, trauma-informed executive coach, and relational trauma specialist with over 15,000 clinical hours, she guides ambitious women — including Silicon Valley leaders, physicians, and entrepreneurs — in repairing the psychological foundations beneath their impressive lives. Annie is the founder and former CEO of Evergreen Counseling, a multimillion-dollar trauma-informed therapy center she built, scaled, and successfully exited. A regular contributor to Psychology Today, her expert commentary has appeared in Forbes, Business Insider, Inc., NBC, and The Information. She is currently writing her first book with W.W. Norton.
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Stage Three (Reconnection and Integration) focuses on rebuilding relationships with yourself, others, and activities that bring meaning and vitality after completing foundational safety work and trauma processing. You're likely ready when you have stable coping mechanisms, have processed significant traumatic memories, and feel curious about what might bring joy—even if you can't quite access that joy yet.
This numbness is common, especially after intensive trauma processing. Start small—notice micro-moments of preference (tea over coffee, morning over evening walks) rather than seeking dramatic passion. Your capacity for vitality often returns gradually as your nervous system learns it's safe to feel pleasure, not just survive threats.
Absolutely. Pursuing what enlivens you IS part of healing, not a reward you earn after recovery. Engaging with sources of vitality while still in therapy actually supports your healing by creating positive neural pathways and proving to your system that life contains more than trauma processing.
Look for clues in your past (what did you daydream about before trauma work?), your jealousy (what do others do that sparks envy?), and your parenting instincts (what experiences would you give your younger self?). Sometimes watching others' adventures—like travel shows or creative pursuits—can reawaken dormant parts that got buried under survival mode.
Start with accessible approximations—if international travel is impossible, explore local hidden gems; if art classes are unaffordable, watch YouTube tutorials. The goal isn't perfection but reconnection with the feeling of being enlivened. Often, small steps toward what lights you up create momentum that eventually opens doors to fuller experiences.
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