You don’t need to be “fully healed” before going after your dreams.
You don't need to be "fully healed" before going after your dreams.
Driven Women & Perfectionism • May 1, 2022
SUMMARY
You might believe you have to be ‘fully healed’—completely free from the shadows of early relational trauma—before you can chase your dreams, but that belief often traps you in waiting and self-doubt instead of growth and action. Relational trauma isn’t a single event, but a deep pattern that quietly shapes your sense of safety and worth, making the risk of pursuing goals feel overwhelming because parts of you are still protecting a scared, unhealed child.
Relational trauma is emotional injury that occurs when safety, trust, or connection is broken within close relationships, often early in life, shaping how you experience yourself and others in deep, lasting ways. It is not a single bad event or just a vague feeling of discomfort; it is a persistent pattern that quietly influences your decisions, your sense of worth, and your ability to feel safe with others. This is important for you because the long shadow of relational trauma can make pursuing your dreams feel risky or impossible—not because you lack ability, but because parts of you remain protective of the scared, unhealed child inside. Understanding relational trauma means recognizing these internal hesitations without shame or self-blame. It opens a door to compassionate awareness that you’re not broken for feeling stuck, but navigating a complex inner landscape.
You might believe you have to be ‘fully healed’—completely free from the shadows of early relational trauma—before you can chase your dreams, but that belief often traps you in waiting and self-doubt instead of growth and action.
Relational trauma isn’t a single event, but a deep pattern that quietly shapes your sense of safety and worth, making the risk of pursuing goals feel overwhelming because parts of you are still protecting a scared, unhealed child.
Healing doesn’t mean perfection or erasing wounds; it means moving through pain while reclaiming agency, and pursuing your meaningful goals alongside your healing isn’t just possible—it’s a powerful, real-world way to grow into wholeness.
Healing is the ongoing process of moving through emotional pain and trauma, learning to manage its effects, and gradually reclaiming your sense of wholeness and agency. It is not a destination where you suddenly become ‘fixed’ or ‘perfect’—it’s not about erasing wounds but growing around and through them. For you, healing matters because waiting to be ‘fully healed’ before going after what you want is a myth that can trap you in paralysis and self-doubt. Healing and pursuing your goals aren’t sequential; they can and should happen alongside each other, each feeding the other in a messy, real, powerful way.
You may be holding on to the belief that you need to be ‘fully healed’ before pursuing your goals, but this myth keeps you stuck in waiting and delays the very growth you crave.
Healing from relational trauma and going after meaningful dreams aren’t sequential steps — they are parallel processes that can fuel and deepen each other in real, imperfect, and powerful ways.
Recognizing that feeling scared or imperfect doesn’t disqualify you from action allows you to break free from ‘not ready’ and step into opportunities that become some of your most potent healing experiences.
“I’m still too broken. I can only date when I’ve done all my healing work.”
SUMMARY
There’s a persistent and harmful myth in the healing world that you need to wait until you’re ‘fixed’ before pursuing what you want. For driven women in relational trauma recovery, this belief can become another way to stay small or to delay living fully. This post makes a direct case: your goals and your healing can happen simultaneously. In fact, for many women, pursuing meaningful goals while in recovery is an act of healing in itself.
“I still don’t feel ready to apply – I can still hear my father’s voice in my head, that means it’s not time, right? Not if his voice is still there.”
“I really want to, but I don’t feel capable enough. I still see myself as that scared, helpless kid sometimes. How can I do that when I still feel so scared so much of the time?”
“I’ll think about doing it next year – I just worry that I haven’t been in therapy long enough yet.”
Each of these statements I’ve heard – in some iteration – nearly every month since I became a therapist. At the heart of each of these statements is fundamental belief: I’m not healed enough to do X, Y, Z…
And while this may feel like a fundamental belief, it’s not a reality: it’s a myth.
And it’s a common myth that, for those who believe in it, can ironically hold them back from the people, places, and pursuits that would otherwise be the most healing agents in their recovery journeys.
Relational trauma refers to psychological injury that occurs within the context of important relationships, particularly those with primary caregivers during childhood. Unlike single-incident trauma, relational trauma involves repeated experiences of emotional neglect, inconsistency, manipulation, or abuse within bonds where safety and trust should have been foundational.
“Go out in the woods, go out. If you don’t go out in the woods nothing will ever happen and your life will never begin.” ― Clarissa Pinkola Estés, PhD
Parallel Processing
In the context of trauma recovery and personal growth, parallel processing refers to the capacity to pursue meaningful goals, relationships, and life milestones while simultaneously engaging in healing work — rather than treating healing as a prerequisite for living. Recovery and growth are not sequential; they are concurrent and mutually reinforcing processes.
I’ve written about this extensively before but, to reiterate, those who come from relational trauma backgrounds may experience a host of complex biopsychosocial impacts that linger long into adulthood as a result of their adverse early childhoods.
One example of these impacts can include having maladaptive beliefs about one’s own “brokenness” (e.g.: impaired self-worth).
Often, for folks who come from relational trauma histories, this translates into people often thinking that they need to be “all healed” before moving towards the things they truly want (dating, kids, grad school, that dream career) because they feel “too broken” to have these good things in their lives now.
This belief is common, it’s normal and natural.
But, just because it may be a normal and natural belief doesn’t mean that it’s an accurate belief.
What do I mean by it not being an accurate belief?
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To me, this belief is a little analogous to thinking that you have to be perfectly fit before you can go to the gym and work out (something that would ironically help propel you more into a state of fitness).
You may not feel ready to be looked at by others in your workout gear. You may worry you’re not as fit as others who may go to the gym. Running side-by-side on the treadmills with you, and therefore there’s no place for you there.
But, empirically, it is not true that you aren’t fit enough to be at a gym.
Factually, there is no one fitness level mandated to frequent a gym. And if you ever encounter a gym that doesn’t have a Health at Every Size attitude – consider finding another establishment that values and embodies inclusivity more.
Again, just because something feels true doesn’t mean it’s factually, empirically true.
So, while you may not feel “healed enough” (to sign up for that dating app, to ask that gorgeous woman out, to research and lay the groundwork for the fulfilling work your heart and soul craves), your feelings don’t necessarily mean fact.
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“Healed enough” is a myth.
It’s a story. It implies there’s one right way of being and all other ways are insufficient.
It suggests that there is an endpoint to healing and – only then! – are good things, worthy things, fulfilling things possible.
And you can’t have them until you arrive at that “fully healed” destination.
I don’t believe this. Not at all.
Starting before you feel “healed enough” can actually be the most healing thing.
“aw-pull-quote”
“This life is mine alone. So I have stopped asking people for directions to places they’ve never been.” ― Glennon Doyle
“Fully healed” or “healed enough” is a myth. I don’t buy it.
Instead, what I believe personally and professionally, is that moving towards the things that you want – those people, places, and pursuits that would fill your life with meaning and fulfillment – and specifically, moving towards those things before you feel ready can actually accelerate your healing journey by boosting your sense of agency, competency, and support the reclamation and healing of your self-esteem and self-worth in the world.
I believe this because, in my own life, in my own relational trauma recovery journey, it was precisely my engagement with the very things I felt convinced I was still too “broken for” that led to some of my deepest and most profound healing experiences.
Some of these highlights included leaving Big Sur and the cozy healing cocoon of Esalen for the Bay Area (the real world!); dating, moving in with, and then marrying my husband; completing grad school and launching my career, concurrently putting myself out (eek!) online for the world to see.
Each time I moved towards these things that my heart wanted, I felt incapable and riddled with doubts and maladaptive beliefs (“I’ll never make it in the Bay – it’s too expensive!”; “He’s going to leave me – everyone always leaves me.”; “Who am I to think I can help other people? I can barely help myself.”).
And, if I’m being honest, my skills to be able to successfully do all these things were nascent and hugely imperfect, too.
But between the combination of time plus reparative experiences (reparative experiences such as my husband not leaving me and proving year after year he could be a constant source of love, loyalty, and support; or figuring out a way to pay my bills while I earned the thousands and thousands of unpaid trainee and internship hours required of my career; or reading emails and blog comments from people like you telling me what I wrote and shared was actually helping them), this combination of time plus reparative experiences because the greatest accelerant of my healing on my relational trauma recovery journey.
I’ve now come to believe that reparative experiences – lived experiences and actions taken across an arc of time that challenge our cognitive and somatic distortions – can help rewire our maladaptive beliefs and behaviors about ourselves, others, and the world in a way that theory, imagination, or positive wishful thinking simply can’t compete with in terms of effectiveness.
It’s another thing entirely to prove to yourself through your lived experiences that those kinder, more supportive self-statements are, in fact, true.
Prompts to help you think through whether this myth is playing out in your own life:
“What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” – Mary Oliver
If, after reading today’s essay, you can see that some part of you is deferring moving towards and taking action on the future you want because you don’t believe you’re “healed enough” yet, I invite you to consider this reframe I offered today: that perhaps the most healing thing you could do for yourself is to start before you feel “healed enough.”
Of course, though, I want you to balance what I’m saying – that there is no such thing as “healed enough” and that perhaps the most healing thing you could do would be to start now – with your own, innate wisdom.
Only you are the expert of your experience – not me, not your partner, your best friend, or some guru on Instagram.
What may be true for you is that, at this point in time, it is not the right time for you to move towards something even if you want it (for example: I knew early on and deep in my bones that I wasn’t ready to be a mother until I was later-in-life and boy am glad I listened to that innate wisdom!).
Only you know what is best and right and true for you so, please, sit with what I shared today but always filter it through your own experience and wisdom.
And, if you’re curious to explore this topic further ask yourself:
What am I craving and dreaming about that I’m not currently moving towards right now?
What beliefs do I have about my capacity to do that?
Are these beliefs helpful or harmful?
Do these beliefs feel like voices and ideas from my past (like a familiar voice from someone close to me) or are they coming from my body, from some bone-deep wisdom and inner knowing inside of me?
What do I imagine might happen if I begin to take action towards what I want?
What’s the worst-case scenario and what’s the best-case scenario?
Do I know anyone else who “started before they were ready” and who has happy outcomes I’d like for myself?
What would it take for me to emulate them? Would I like to do this?
Transforming “Not Ready” Into Readiness Through Action-Oriented Therapy
When you sit with your therapist describing all the things you’ll do “once you’re healed”—the relationship you’ll pursue when you stop hearing your mother’s voice saying you’re unlovable, the career you’ll chase after you’ve processed every childhood wound—your therapist gently challenges this timeline by exploring how waiting for perfect healing might be trauma’s way of keeping you safe from risks that no longer exist, understanding that reparative experiences in relational trauma recovery happen through lived action, not endless preparation.
Together, you examine the paradox: waiting to be perfectly healed before living means never accessing the very experiences that actually create healing, like going to the gym only after you’re already fit, missing the process that would build the strength you’re waiting to have. Your trauma-informed therapist helps you distinguish between genuine inner wisdom saying “not yet” (like knowing you’re not ready for parenthood) and trauma-based procrastination that sounds suspiciously like your critical father insisting you’ll never be good enough for success, love, or joy.
The therapeutic work shifts from endless preparation to supported action—your therapist helps you identify one small step toward what you want, not despite your trauma but as part of healing it, understanding that your husband staying year after year despite your certainty he’d leave provides more powerful rewiring than any amount of cognitive restructuring in therapy alone.
Through graduated exposure to what you want, with your therapist as a secure base, you learn to tolerate the discomfort of starting before you feel ready, discovering that your “brokenness” was never the barrier you believed it to be—it was trauma’s outdated protection against disappointment, keeping you from discovering your own capability. You explore together what Mary Oliver called your “one wild and precious life,” recognizing that deferring dreams until you’re “healed enough” means deferring life itself.
Most powerfully, action-oriented trauma therapy helps you understand that reparative experiences—lived moments that contradict trauma’s lessons—require actual living, not just therapeutic processing, teaching you that healing happens not in spite of taking imperfect action but precisely because you dared to begin before you felt ready, proving to your nervous system through lived experience what no amount of positive self-talk could convince it of: that you were never too broken for good things, you were just taught to believe you were.
Wrapping up.
The reality is, to quote the inimitable late Mary Oliver, we have (as far as we know) one wild and precious life.
And now, I’d love to hear from you in the comments below:
What’s one example from your own life where you didn’t wait until you were fully healed to begin? And how did beginning that – starting before you maybe felt ready – actually support your healing process?
Please, if you feel so inclined, leave a message in the comments below so our monthly blog readership of 20,000 plus people can benefit from your wisdom and experience.
Here’s to healing relational trauma and creating thriving lives on solid foundations.
Warmly,
Annie
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). The enduring effects of abuse and related adverse experiences in childhood: A convergence of evidence from neurobiology and epidemiology. European Archives of Psychiatry and Clinical Neuroscience.Janoff-Bulman, R. (
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). The effects of early relational trauma on right brain development, affect regulation, and infant mental health. Infant Mental Health Journal.Linehan, M. M. (
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I feel like I need to be perfect before I can start pursuing my big goals. Is this a common feeling for driven, ambitious women?
Yes, this is a very common sentiment among driven, ambitious women, often stemming from a desire for control and a fear of failure. It’s important to recognize that healing is a continuous journey, not a destination, and waiting for ‘perfection’ can lead to stagnation. Embracing imperfection is a crucial step towards progress.
How can I reconcile my past trauma or emotional neglect with my ambition to achieve great things?
Reconciling past experiences with future aspirations involves acknowledging your pain without letting it define your potential. Focus on integrating your healing process into your journey, understanding that your resilience is a strength. Therapy and self-compassion can be powerful tools in this integration.
What if I start pursuing my dreams while still healing, and I get overwhelmed or triggered?
It’s completely normal to anticipate challenges when stepping out of your comfort zone, especially while healing. Develop robust coping mechanisms and a strong support system to navigate potential triggers. Remember, setbacks are part of any growth process, and they don’t negate your progress or your worth.
I’m afraid that if I’m not ‘fully healed,’ I’ll just repeat old patterns or self-sabotage my success. How can I prevent this?
This fear is valid and often rooted in past experiences. To prevent repeating patterns, cultivate self-awareness and identify your triggers. Establish clear boundaries and practice self-care diligently. Working with a therapist can also provide strategies to break these cycles and build healthier responses.
Is it selfish to focus on my dreams when I still have so much personal healing to do?
It is not selfish; in fact, pursuing your dreams can be a powerful component of your healing journey. When you engage in activities that bring you joy and purpose, you create positive momentum and reinforce your self-worth. Prioritizing your aspirations can lead to a more fulfilling life, benefiting both yourself and those around you.
Further Reading on Relational Trauma
Explore Annie’s clinical writing on relational trauma recovery.
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As a licensed psychotherapist, trauma-informed executive coach, and relational trauma specialist with over 15,000 clinical hours, she guides ambitious women — including Silicon Valley leaders, physicians, and entrepreneurs — in repairing the psychological foundations beneath their impressive lives. Annie is the founder and former CEO of Evergreen Counseling, a multimillion-dollar trauma-informed therapy center she built, scaled, and successfully exited. A regular contributor to Psychology Today, her expert commentary has appeared in Forbes, Business Insider, Inc., NBC, and The Information. She is currently writing her first book with W.W. Norton.
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Annie Wright is a licensed psychotherapist, relational trauma specialist, and the founder and successfully exited CEO of a large California trauma-informed therapy center. A W.W. Norton published author, she writes the weekly Substack Strong & Stable and her work and expert opinions have appeared in NPR, NBC, Forbes, Business Insider, The Boston Globe, and The Information.
"Fully healed" implies an endpoint that doesn't exist—healing is an ongoing journey, not a destination. Waiting for complete healing before living your life means waiting forever, missing out on the reparative experiences that actually facilitate healing through lived proof of your worthiness and capability.
The feeling of being "too broken" to date is often a trauma-based belief, not reality. If you're drawn to connection but convinced you need more therapy first, consider that dating itself (with appropriate boundaries and self-awareness) can provide healing experiences that prove you're worthy of love.
True inner wisdom feels embodied and bone-deep, while trauma-based limitations often sound like familiar critical voices from your past. Ask yourself: Is this my authentic knowing, or is this my mother's/father's voice telling me I'm not capable?
Starting before you feel ready doesn't mean being reckless—it means challenging the myth that trauma disqualifies you from good things. With support, boundaries, and self-compassion, taking imperfect action often provides the evidence your nervous system needs to update old beliefs.
"Failure" while actively living is more healing than perfectly waiting forever. Even setbacks provide valuable information and growth, while deferring life to avoid failure keeps you stuck in trauma-based beliefs about your inadequacy that never get challenged by reality.
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