Today I want to share with you my responses to students inside of Hard Families, Good Boundaries – my online psychoeducational course and group coaching program – who asked terrific and very common questions over the last few months of our group coaching calls.
These questions my students asked mirror the questions my therapy clients, newsletter readers, and blog commenters, ask, too. They are common questions because they are common circumstances.
The questions are:
- How do I get it – like really get it – that my family of origin can’t or won’t give me what I need. How do I get over this?
- I’m coming to terms with the fact that my family can’t give me what I want. But building a “second chance” family feels hard and I struggle with being close to people.
- The fact that I come from a relational trauma history is impacting my relationship. What tools can I use and what advice do you have?
I wanted to share my answers and these questions with you because, so often in our relational trauma recovery journeys, we imagine that we’re “the only one” – the only one with such a challenging family situation, the only one who “can’t get over it yet,” the only one who keeps going back to the dry well, hoping for water each time only to find none…
My hope is that you will see yourself in one of these questions and find value in the answers if you do.
Remember: you are not alone. It’s just that not everyone is open and publicly talking about these matters.
Keep reading to feel less alone.
You’re Not Alone: My Answers To Your Common Q’s
Theme: How do I get it – like really get it – that my family of origin can’t or won’t give me what I need. How do I get over this?
Q: I feel I’m beginning to accept that I need to “stop going to the hardware store for milk.” I tend to struggle with repetitive thoughts about how I can explain things to my family. Can’t shake the feeling that if I could just explain it to them “properly,” they would someday get it and treat me differently. I know cognitively that that is not at all likely to happen, but accepting this reality on an emotional level has been very challenging. So I experience confusion around this, which creates anxiety. I suspect the right thing to do is continue to grieve and support myself and continue seeking out supportive people in the hopes of building a “chosen family,” but I’m curious if you have additional thoughts or advice about this.
It makes so much sense that you would struggle on an emotional level with this because effectively you’re trying to make the illogical, logical.
I mean this in the kindest way.
