Yes, sweetheart, after all this time, you STILL get to grieve this.
Yes, sweetheart, after all this time, you STILL get to grieve this.
Emotional Regulation & Nervous System • October 16, 2022
SUMMARY
You carry grief for the childhood you never had—the safety, attunement, and emotional presence that were absent—and it’s not only valid but vital to name this loss with precision and compassion. Relational trauma means that grief can resurface repeatedly, even after years, because your nervous system is still processing what was never resolved, and this recurring grief is a sign your healing is actively unfolding. Allowing yourself to fully feel this grief, without judgment or timelines, is a radical act of self-compassion and essential to moving through the complex emotions tied to your early relational wounds. You can grieve your childhood losses at any time, no matter how much time has passed. Feeling grief repeatedly is not a sign of weakness but a sign that your healing is progressing.
Relational trauma is the emotional injury caused by harmful or neglectful experiences in key relationships — especially early ones with caregivers or family — that shape how you feel about yourself and connect with others throughout your life. It is not about blaming your parents or labeling yourself as damaged; it’s about recognizing the lasting impact of being unseen, unheard, or unsafe in the relationships meant to protect you. For you, this means understanding why certain emotional wounds keep reopening and why grief about your childhood feels so persistent and intense. Relational trauma is the invisible thread running through your struggles, and naming it is the first step toward owning your experience without shame. This matters because it frees you to grieve those losses openly and to begin healing on your own, deeply personal timeline.
You carry grief for the childhood you never had—the safety, attunement, and emotional presence that were absent—and it’s not only valid but vital to name this loss with precision and compassion.
Relational trauma means that grief can resurface repeatedly, even after years, because your nervous system is still processing what was never resolved, and this recurring grief is a sign your healing is actively unfolding.
Allowing yourself to fully feel this grief, without judgment or timelines, is a radical act of self-compassion and essential to moving through the complex emotions tied to your early relational wounds.
Grief about your childhood doesn’t have an expiration date. You still get to mourn the parent who wasn’t emotionally present, the childhood that wasn’t safe, the version of yourself that had to disappear to survive. This post is a direct, warm reminder that there is no ‘too late’ for grief — and that for driven women carrying relational trauma, the grief that keeps surfacing isn’t weakness. It’s a sign your healing is working.
It was my answer and love letter to clients and readers of mine who would so often say something along the lines of:
“It’s ancient history. Shouldn’t I be over this by now? Why am I so sad? Why do I still have grief over this?”
That little essay went on to become one of the most trafficked and commented-upon pieces on my website.
It struck a chord. It resonated.
That essay did what I hoped it would: it gave people permission to feel all their feelings and grief no matter how much time had passed, and no matter how concrete or abstract the loss was that they had and were experiencing.
So why am I bringing this up?
Because there was a moment a few weeks ago when I was having a really bad day.
A day when something I thought I was “done” grieving got re-activated again in a potent and painful way.
So I went to my laptop and I literally Googled my own article so I could re-read it.
(Believe me: I’m not trying to be narcissistic here but I know that when I sit down to write, something wiser and clearer comes through me, and when I’m *not* in that place (which can be often) I’m served by those wiser self words I wrote once upon a time as much as the next person with a relational trauma history.)
Grief is the multifaceted response to loss, encompassing emotional, physical, cognitive, and spiritual dimensions that unfold over time. In the context of relational trauma, grief often involves mourning not only what was lost but what was never received: the childhood, the parent, the safety, or the version of oneself that might have been.
Take this 5-minute, 25-question quiz to find out — and learn what to do next if you do.
Childhood Grief
Childhood grief — in the context of relational trauma — refers to mourning not just losses that happened, but what was absent: the safety, attunement, unconditional love, or emotional availability that should have been there. It is grief for what never was, which can make it feel illegitimate. It isn’t.
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The invisible patterns you can’t outwork…
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And while my writing style has changed over the years (and lord knows my formatting has evolved!), the content remained solid and just what I needed at that moment when I was berating myself for “still not being over” something that happened so long ago.
It helped my self-talk shift from, “Ugh, again?! Why does this grief still have such a grip on me?”
to “Yes, sweetheart, after all this time, you STILL get to grieve this.”
I figured, if revisiting my own article from 2016 could serve me today in 2022, it might be worthwhile to share it again with you.
So whether you’ve been on my newsletter from the earliest days (Spring 2015) or if you’ve only recently signed up in the last few weeks or months, I truly hope that seeing this archived piece of mine feels helpful, soothing, and increases your compassion for yourself and your experience.
When grief you thought was “finished” suddenly resurfaces with devastating intensity, trauma-informed therapy provides crucial support for navigating these unexpected returns to old pain without drowning in shame about “still” needing to process something from decades ago.
Your therapist understands that actively grieving your past isn’t a one-time event but an ongoing spiral where you encounter deeper layers of loss as your capacity to feel expands. They normalize the experience of being ambushed by grief at unexpected moments—when your child reaches the age you were when trauma occurred, when you achieve something your parents couldn’t celebrate, when current losses reactivate ancient abandonments—helping you recognize these returns as evidence of healing, not failure.
The therapeutic space becomes a container for holding both the grief itself and your grief about still grieving—the meta-layers of shame, frustration, and exhaustion that compound the original loss. Your therapist helps you distinguish between the inner critic saying “you should be over this” (often an internalized parental voice) and your authentic need to honor losses that fundamentally shaped you.
Through approaches like EMDR for reprocessing grief-laden memories, somatic work for releasing grief held in the body, or parts work for embracing the grieving parts without judgment, you develop increasing capacity to welcome grief’s return as a teacher rather than a tormentor.
Most importantly, therapy reframes recurring grief from pathology to wisdom—understanding that some losses are so profound they require a lifetime of integration, that grieving in spirals rather than straight lines allows you to metabolize pain at the pace your nervous system can handle.
Your therapist holds steady witness as you learn to extend the same compassion to yourself that you would offer a friend, developing an internal voice that responds to grief’s return not with “again?!” but with “yes, sweetheart, after all this time, you still get to grieve this”—transforming self-attack into self-compassion, isolation into connection, and ancient pain into integrated wisdom.
Here’s to healing relational trauma and creating thriving lives on solid foundations.
Warmly,
Annie
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). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books.Boss, P. (
). Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief. Harvard University Press.Courtois, C. A., &#
; Ford, J. D. (
). Treatment of Complex Trauma: A Sequenced, Relationship-Based Approach. Guilford Press.Shapiro, F. (
). Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy: Basic Principles, Protocols, and Procedures. Guilford Press.Neimeyer, R. A. (
). Meaning Reconstruction &#
; the Experience of Loss. American Psychological Association.Boss, P. (
I’m successful in my career, but I still feel a deep sadness about past experiences. Is it okay to still grieve these things, even years later?
Absolutely. Grief isn’t linear, and success doesn’t erase past pain. It’s completely normal and healthy to acknowledge and process these lingering feelings, regardless of how much time has passed or what you’ve achieved. Your feelings are valid, and allowing yourself to grieve is a crucial step towards healing.
Why do I feel guilty for grieving something that happened so long ago, especially when others tell me to ‘just get over it’?
It’s common to feel guilt when societal pressures or well-meaning but unhelpful advice suggest you should be ‘over’ your past. However, emotional wounds often take time to surface and heal. Your grief is a personal process, and you have every right to feel what you feel without guilt or shame, regardless of external opinions.
I tend to push through difficult emotions. How can I allow myself to grieve without feeling like I’m falling apart or losing control?
Many high-achieving women are accustomed to pushing through challenges. Allowing yourself to grieve doesn’t mean losing control; it means creating a safe space for your emotions. Start by dedicating small, intentional moments to acknowledge your feelings, perhaps through journaling or quiet reflection. This gentle approach can help you process without feeling overwhelmed.
What does it mean if I’m only now realizing the impact of childhood emotional neglect, and how do I start to address it?
It’s a significant step to recognize the impact of childhood emotional neglect, even if it’s later in life. This awareness is the beginning of healing. You can start by validating your own experiences, seeking support from a trauma-informed therapist, and learning to nurture the parts of yourself that may have been overlooked.
I’ve always been the strong one. How can I give myself permission to be vulnerable and grieve without feeling weak?
Being strong often means carrying a lot, but true strength also lies in vulnerability. Giving yourself permission to grieve is an act of self-compassion, not weakness. It allows for deeper healing and can ultimately lead to a more authentic and resilient sense of self. Remember, acknowledging your pain is a profound act of courage.
Helping ambitious women finally feel as good as their résumé looks.
As a licensed psychotherapist, trauma-informed executive coach, and relational trauma specialist with over 15,000 clinical hours, she guides ambitious women — including Silicon Valley leaders, physicians, and entrepreneurs — in repairing the psychological foundations beneath their impressive lives. Annie is the founder and former CEO of Evergreen Counseling, a multimillion-dollar trauma-informed therapy center she built, scaled, and successfully exited. A regular contributor to Psychology Today, her expert commentary has appeared in Forbes, Business Insider, Inc., NBC, and The Information. She is currently writing her first book with W.W. Norton.
Grief isn't linear—it's cyclical, returning at developmental milestones, anniversaries, or when current experiences echo past losses. Your nervous system doesn't track time the way calendars do. When something in the present resonates with old wounds, the grief feels as fresh as if the loss just happened.
Absolutely. There's no statute of limitations on grief, especially for developmental losses—the nurturing you didn't receive, the safety you couldn't access, the childhood that was stolen. These abstract losses often take longer to process than concrete deaths because society doesn't recognize them as "real" grief.
No—it means you're encountering deeper layers of the loss as you develop greater capacity to feel. Each return to grief often processes a different aspect: first the anger, then the sadness, later the lost possibilities. Spiraling back to familiar grief with new awareness is progress, not regression.
Recognize that the self-criticism itself is often a trauma response—a way to avoid feeling the grief by making yourself "wrong" for having it. Practice responding to grief's return with curiosity ("What is this showing me?") rather than judgment ("I should be over this by now").
Healthy grief moves—it has waves, peaks, releases. Rumination is stuck, circular, without resolution or relief. If grief feels frozen or you're replaying the same thoughts without emotional movement, that's when professional support can help you process rather than circle.
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The invisible patterns you can’t outwork…
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