“Why does life feel so much harder in the 30’s and 40’s?”
First, I want to go on the record by saying that I believe that life is hard, full stop.
Being alive in a mortal body, loving other people in mortal bodies, all the while making our way in a world that requires money to pay bills and so on and so forth isn’t really easy for most.
But I do want to suggest that life might be harder still (especially in the 30’s and 40’s) for a particular segment of the population: those of us who come from relational trauma backgrounds.
Why can life feel harder for those of us who come from relational trauma backgrounds?
Imagine this: If life is a proverbial house, built upon a proverbial foundation, those of us who come from relational trauma backgrounds nearly always have cracks in our proverbial foundations that others who come from non-trauma backgrounds do not have at all (or in greatly reduced ways).
And cracks in a proverbial foundation can make the proverbial house less sound, less stable, more difficult to live in (so to speak).
Let me unpack this idea more.
Relational trauma backgrounds often yield cracks in the proverbial foundation of life.
First, what does it mean to come from a relational trauma background?
A relational trauma background, as I define it, is trauma that results over the course of time in the context of a power-imbalanced and dysfunctional relationship (usually between a child and caregiver) that results in a host of complex and lingering biopsychosocial impacts for the individual who endured the trauma.
These biopsychosocial impacts stemming from a trauma background can and often include:
- Maladaptive beliefs about yourself, others, and the world around you. For example: “I’m too broken to be loved, no one will ever love me.” “No one can be trusted; everyone always leaves me.” or “The world is out to get me. I have to be on guard.”
- Maladaptive behaviors to cope with intolerable feelings (feelings of vulnerability, loneliness, fear, etc.). For example: developing an eating disorder. Engaging in risky sexual behaviors. Becoming obsessive about work. And using substances to numb out to name but a few.
- Challenges with emotional regulation and appropriate emotional expression skills. For example: feeling easily triggered often, experiencing explosive rage, feeling a lack of feelings altogether, and being unable/unwilling to share your emotions with others.
- Attachment wounds. For example: developing an avoidant, anxious, or disorganized (as opposed to secure) attachment style in response to the non-secure relational experiences endured.
- And so much more.
These biopsychosocial impacts stemming from a relational trauma background are the proverbial cracks in the psychological foundation that, ideally, in a non-traumatic environment would otherwise be sound and stable.
