I beamed with pleasure, subtly restraining myself from gushing as I’m wont to do whenever anyone asks about her, and shared a little bit about her.
I told my friend how strong, feisty, confident, and boundaried she is.
How she moves through the world with a bone-deep conviction that she’s worthy of the respect and attention of the adults around her, chastening adults in public if they bump into her in the grocery store saying “You DON’T have my consent to touch me!”
And I told her all about her obsession with the Spice Girls and how most days in our house feel like 1998 throwbacks…
We laughed and then my friend asked me a question: “What were you like at her age?”
Without thinking I blurted a question back, “Who was I at her age or who would I have been if the environment had been safe?”
After I said it, we both just looked at each other, goosebumps on my arms, because that was a really good question and an especially salient one for those of us who come from relational trauma backgrounds.
“Who would you have been if it was safe?”
I talk often about this, but children are master survivalists.
It’s a sad and distressing truth that children’s well-being hinges on the approval of the guardians and caretakers around them.
It’s a painfully vulnerable position to be in if your guardian or caretaker is mood- or personality-disordered, addicted, or otherwise compromised and compromising in their ability to be a stable, loving, and providing presence.
In order to secure and maintain that approval, that connection with their guardians and caretakers, children will do almost anything to preserve that tie, sometimes becoming masterful personality contortionists in order to do so.
For example:
A drunk, volatile father who creates an environment of explosive danger without warning? A young child might learn how to withdraw, make herself invisible and needless, lest she “rock the boat” and draw his wrath on her.
A depressive, suicidal mother who is overwhelmed by life? A young child might try to be her confidant, friend, and household partner, growing himself up before his time as a parentified child hoping he can prop his mother up lest she collapses or give up on life.
In environments that are unconducive to all parts of the personality coming forth safely and with a degree of welcoming, a child may never access and/or consciously or unconsciously learn to disown certain aspects of herself (her anger, her fire, her loudness, her exuberance, her neediness, her defiance, her sadness).
She’ll do what she needs to do to stay safe. To stay connected.
