When it all feels like too much. A parental pep talk.

You worry you’re not spending enough time with your kids but also can’t stand the mental stress of the unbelievable messiness of your house, so you chip away at chores and put them in front of the iPad and berate yourself.

Why does life feel like a constant ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t’ scenario?

You thought you were doing okay for a while. You had a goal you were working towards.

DEFINITION CARETAKER BURDEN (PARENTAL)

A state of chronic physical, emotional, and psychological exhaustion experienced by primary caregivers. Particularly mothers. Who provide sustained care without adequate systemic support, respite, or reciprocal nurturing. Researcher and sociologist Arlie Hochschild, PhD, documented this pattern as part of the “second shift”. The unpaid domestic and emotional labor that falls disproportionately on women even when both partners work full-time.

In plain terms: You’re not falling apart because you’re weak. You’re falling apart because you’ve been holding everyone up for a very long time. And you’ve been doing it without nearly enough support. That’s not a character flaw; that’s the predictable result of carrying too much.

A big goal.

A goal that would feel life-changing.

A goal that would put all the hard into perspective and make you think there is a finish line in sight, even if you are running a marathon at a sprint pace.

And now it feels like that goal may be slipping out of your grip, the finish line has vanished, and the meaning of the goal and the timeline brought to all the hard work seems to evaporate.

It all feels like hard work with no end in sight and no meaning to make of the hard.

And so you’ve started coping less well.

You’re eating your feelings.

You’re drinking your feelings.

You’re late-night Amazon shopping your feelings.

You don’t want to be around your family or friends anymore, even though they’re the people most important to you.

You know the solutions to all these problems; tackling them will just take unbelievable amounts of time and energy.

You just don’t have unbelievable energy and time.

You feel stuck.

You feel overwhelmed.

You feel like you’re failing adulting.

You want someone else to swoop in and make this better.

You want an off button for adulting.

Honey, I get it.

This place that you’re in is so, so hard.

You’ve taken on so much, and I see how hard you’re working to try and do a good job, but it’s gotten so hard lately.

You’re struggling.

RESEARCH EVIDENCE

Peer-reviewed findings that inform this clinical framework:

Overall prevalence of depression 17% (95% CI 0.15-0.20) among healthy mothers (PMID: 30114665)
Global PPD prevalence 17.22% (95% CI 16.00, 18.51) (PMID: 34671011)
Global pooled prevalence of PPD 17.7% (95% CI 16.6, 18.8%) (Hahn-Holbrook et al., Frontiers in Psychiatry)
Counseling interventions lower depressive symptoms SMD 0.24 (95% CI 0.14-0.34) (Singla et al., JAMA Psychiatry)
Postpartum comorbid anxiety and depression prevalence 8% (95% CI 7%-10%) (Ou et al., Psychological Medicine)

Would anyone else struggle if they were carrying what you’re carrying?

Even one aspect of what you’re holding is enough to cause most people stress, and you’re holding ALL of it.

No wonder you feel like crawling under the covers and never getting out.

No wonder you feel like drinking three White Claws each night.

No wonder you’re eating your kids’ snacks from the pantry and the leftover pizza from the fridge.

No wonder you’re choosing to sleep in versus work out (sleep is your only escape right now, isn’t it?).

No wonder you’re picking fights with your spouse, team, and well-meaning friends.

Even the tiniest little request from someone else must feel like it will overwhelm you.

Like a bump to a coffee mug already overly full, any little bit extra spills the whole thing over.

I know it feels impossible to see how this time will end.

How you’ll get through it, and things will feel good again.

I remember those times from my own life when I felt a bit deadened.

Like I was going through the motions and vitality and joy, a “best life” was unattainable, unreachable, and even ridiculous.

This is one of those survival times when things feel exceptionally heavy and hard.

You WILL get through this.

Even if it means just one day after another of tackling the emails, trying to stay positive in front of those around you, and feeling like a Meryl Streep-level actress for that kind of “faking it until you make it.”

Will this incredibly hard time pass. And who will you be on the other side of it?

A person with more capacity to tolerate distress and hardship, more ability to endure the tough stuff of life.

I wish had a crystal ball, and I could tell you that all the things you so desperately want are going to happen: your dreams for your career, to fall back in love with your spouse, to lose those 40 lbs, to feel (finally) financially secure.

I wish I had a crystal ball, and I wish I had a magic wand so I could give those things to you, too.

I’m sure that probably doesn’t feel helpful to hear. Knowing I wish I could fix all your problems when I can’t. But I hope what you hear when I say this is that I love you and care for you and want things to be easier for you.

And I’m so sorry they aren’t.

At least not right now.

And while I don’t know when things will get better, I do know that I’m right here beside you, loving you, believing in you, wanting to be a person you can call up and cry to, vent to, talk to about how unfair this all is and how hard being an adult feels.

I can’t fix all your problems, honey, but I can be with you in them to support you however I can.

I love you, and I believe in you and your strength and capacities.

You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met, and you’re strong not because things were always easy for you but because you have faced many hard things in the past, and you’ve grown from them.

You will grow from this time, too (but of course, it feels hellish to go through).

I believe in your strength, resilience, and ability to do hard things and ask for support when you need it, and I trust that there will be moments of levity for you again, stretches of ease, and maybe even joy.

Days you can’t even dream up right now will feel better than you ever imagined.

I’m going to hold that vision for you.

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I’m going to wish that for you.

You deserve good, wonderful, joyous days when you feel carefree, lighthearted and delighted by life and the people around you.

I know that feels impossible to imagine now, but I believe those days will happen for you.

I love you, honey.

And I’m right beside you as you go through this very hard time.

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For many of us, reading words like these can feel like a fantasy. Do people have parents who talk to them that way?

Yes, some do.

But for those who don’t, we can still find support in other kinds of relationships.

Maybe a partner.

Maybe a friend.

And certainly in the form of a dedicated therapist who cares deeply about you.

Hard, grueling times in life may be unavoidable.

But even though we come from relational trauma backgrounds and lack the parental support we’d ideally like, support still is possible from other relationships.

Please consider gifting yourself the experience of true support.

How do you find support when you’re overwhelmed and feeling completely alone?

When overwhelm reaches the breaking point and there’s no parent to call for comfort, therapy provides the consistent supportive presence that relational trauma denied you. A skilled therapist offers more than problem-solving strategies, they become the steady, caring voice that helps you navigate impossible-feeling circumstances while building your capacity to eventually provide that voice for yourself.

Through regular sessions, you experience what it’s like to have someone consistently available who sees your struggles, validates your exhaustion, and holds hope for your future even when you’re too depleted to imagine better days ahead.

The therapeutic relationship specifically addresses the isolation that makes overwhelm unbearable for trauma survivors. Your therapist helps you understand that feeling overwhelmed isn’t personal failure but the natural result of carrying too much without the support structures others take for granted.

They work with you to identify which burdens are actually yours to carry versus those you’ve absorbed from others, helping establish boundaries that prevent constant overwhelm. For those wondering what to do when feeling absolutely overwhelmed, therapy provides both immediate coping strategies and long-term capacity building.

In session, your therapist might help you practice receiving support, something that feels foreign or dangerous for trauma survivors who learned early that help comes with strings or doesn’t come at all. They provide the consistent message these pep talks offer: that you’re doing amazingly well under crushing circumstances, that anyone would struggle with what you’re carrying, that needing support isn’t weakness but humanity.

Over time, their voice becomes internalized, creating the supportive inner parent that trauma prevented from developing, transforming overwhelming moments from isolated suffering into opportunities for self-compassion and connection-seeking.

Here’s to healing relational trauma and creating thriving lives on solid foundations.

Warmly,

Annie

P.S. Did this post resonate with you? Do you find these pep talks valuable when you’re going through hard times? Please leave a message in the comments below. I’d love to hear from you and know if these essays feel even a little bit helpful to you.

RESOURCES & REFERENCES

>
Mikolajczak, M., Raes, M.-E., Avalosse, H., & Roskam, I. (
). Parental burnout: What is it, and why does it matter?. Clinical Psychological Science.Winnicott, D. W. (
). Transitional objects and transitional phenomena; a study of the first not-me possession. International Journal of Psycho-Analysis.Cassidy, J. (
). The nature of the child’s ties. In J. Cassidy & P. R. Shaver (Eds.), Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications (
rd ed.).Lieberman, A. F., & Van Horn, P. (

Both/And: You Can Honor Your Family and Still Name What Happened

One of the hardest things about healing from a difficult childhood is the pressure. Internal and external. To pick a side. Either your parents did their best or they failed you. Either your childhood was “that bad” or you’re being dramatic. In my practice, the women who make the most progress are the ones who stop trying to resolve this tension and learn to hold it instead.

Mei is a startup CEO who grew up in a home that looked enviable from the outside. Good schools, family vacations, a mother who volunteered at every event. It took Mei years to name what was missing: emotional attunement. Her achievements were celebrated; her feelings were dismissed. “You have nothing to be upset about” was the family refrain. By the time she reached my office, she’d internalized that message so deeply that she felt guilty for being in therapy at all.

Both/And means Mei can love her parents and still be honest about the ways their limitations shaped her. She can acknowledge that they did their best with what they had and simultaneously acknowledge that their best wasn’t enough in some critical ways. These aren’t contradictions. They’re the full truth of most family stories, and particularly the stories of driven women who learned early that performance was the price of belonging.

The Systemic Lens: Why Childhood Wounds Are Cultural, Not Just Personal

When we talk about childhood wounds, we tend to locate them exclusively within families. This parent failed, that household was dysfunctional. But families don’t operate in isolation. They operate within cultural, economic, and social systems that shape what parenting looks like, what support is available, and what dysfunction is normalized or invisible.

Consider the driven woman who grew up with an emotionally unavailable father. Her father wasn’t emotionally unavailable in a vacuum. He was operating within a cultural framework that told men that providing financially was sufficient, that emotional engagement was women’s work, and that vulnerability was weakness. Her mother, likely overwhelmed and under-supported, may have coped by over-functioning or by placing emotional demands on her daughter that belonged between adults. These aren’t just family patterns. They’re cultural ones.

In my clinical work, naming the systemic dimension of childhood experience serves a critical function: it reduces shame. When a driven woman understands that her family’s dysfunction wasn’t a random aberration but a predictable product of generational trauma, cultural expectations, and structural pressures. Including economic stress, immigration, racism, sexism, or the simple absence of mental health resources. She can begin to hold her parents with more complexity and herself with more compassion. The wound is real. It’s also bigger than any one family.

If what you’ve read here resonates, I want you to know that individual therapy and executive coaching are available for driven women ready to do this work. You can also explore my self-paced recovery courses or schedule a complimentary consultation to find the right fit.

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How to Begin Healing When It All Feels Like Too Much

In my work with clients who come in saying some version of “it’s all just too much right now,” what I hear underneath that is usually a nervous system that’s been over-threshold for too long, a person who’s been taking care of everyone and everything while quietly running on empty, and a deep, aching need for someone to simply say: you don’t have to carry this alone. If that’s where you are, I want to start there. Not with a plan. Not with a list. Just with that acknowledgment. It’s a lot, and you’re doing it anyway, and that matters.

When everything feels like too much, the instinct is often to push harder. To find the more efficient system, to sleep less and do more, to white-knuckle through until things calm down. What I’ve learned in years of clinical work is that this approach usually delays the reckoning rather than preventing it. What your system actually needs when it hits that “too much” threshold isn’t more efficiency; it’s genuine regulation. That response means slowing down, even a little. This dynamic means letting some things be imperfect. This pattern means bringing your actual needs into the room rather than managing them alone at midnight.

One of the most effective starting points I offer clients who are overwhelmed is Somatic Experiencing. When your system has been running in overdrive. Managing everyone else’s needs, holding the household together, meeting professional demands. Your nervous system is literally dysregulated. Somatic Experiencing works directly with that dysregulation at a body level, helping you build the capacity to come down from high alert without it feeling like losing control. Even a few sessions can begin to create a different baseline, one from which everything else becomes more manageable.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy can also be invaluable when everything feels like too much, particularly because overwhelm often has a parts-based structure. There’s the part that’s holding it all together and refuses to ask for help. There’s the part that’s terrified of what would happen if you did let go. There’s the part that’s exhausted and grief-stricken and hasn’t had space to be heard in years. IFS creates room for all of those parts. Not to take over, but to finally be acknowledged. And that acknowledgment itself is often deeply regulating.

On a more immediate practical level: I often encourage clients to do what I call a “load audit.” That’s a frank look at what you’re actually responsible for versus what you’ve taken on because no one else stepped up, because it felt too hard to say no, or because asking for help felt riskier than just doing it yourself. Not everything on that list is yours to carry. Some of it has been voluntarily redistributed away from you without your consent, and some of it you can begin to redistribute back. You might be surprised by how much relief there is in simply naming what doesn’t actually belong to you.

For mothers especially. Which is what this post is also speaking to. There’s an important distinction between being a present, loving parent and being a parent who never has needs of her own. Your children need to see you take care of yourself. They need to understand that adults have limits, ask for help, and aren’t endlessly available. Modeling that is not selfish; it’s one of the most important things you can teach them. Building genuine support structures for yourself isn’t a departure from your role as a parent. It’s part of it.

You don’t have to get to empty before you’re allowed to refill. You don’t have to prove that it’s bad enough before you can ask for support. If it feels like too much, that feeling is information worth listening to. And responding to with care rather than contempt. Working with a therapist who understands what it means to be a capable, caring woman running on fumes is one of the most practical investments you can make. Not just for yourself, but for every person in your life who depends on you being okay. You’re allowed to be held too.

I’m usually so good at managing everything, so why am I suddenly feeling so overwhelmed as a parent?

It’s common for driven women to feel a deep sense of overwhelm when parenting challenges hit, especially if you’re used to being in control. This can often tap into old feelings of not being ‘enough’ or a fear of failure that you’ve successfully managed in other areas of your life. Parenting is a unique challenge that demands a different kind of ‘success’ than you might be used to.

I feel like I’m constantly falling short as a parent, even though I’m doing my best. Is this normal?

Yes, it’s incredibly normal to feel like you’re falling short, especially when you hold yourself to high standards. Many driven women experience this internal pressure, often stemming from childhood experiences where their worth felt tied to their accomplishments. This feeling doesn’t mean you’re failing; it often means you care deeply and are navigating complex emotional terrain.

How can I stop the cycle of feeling like I need to be perfect for my kids, even when I’m exhausted?

Breaking the cycle starts with acknowledging that ‘perfect’ isn’t the goal, and it’s not even possible. Begin by practicing self-compassion, recognizing that your worth as a parent isn’t tied to flawless performance. Focus on showing up authentically and consistently, even imperfectly, which actually models resilience and self-acceptance for your children.

I feel guilty when I prioritize my own needs over my children’s. How do I get past that?

That guilt is a common and understandable feeling, especially for women who have been conditioned to prioritize others. However, tending to your own needs isn’t selfish; it’s essential for your well-being and, ultimately, for your capacity to be a present and regulated parent. Think of it as modeling healthy boundaries and self-care for your children.

What does it mean if my child’s emotional outbursts trigger me so much, even though I know they’re just kids?

When a child’s big emotions trigger a strong reaction in you, it often signals that those moments are touching on unhealed parts of your own past. This can be particularly true for those with relational trauma or childhood emotional neglect, where your own emotional needs may have been dismissed. Recognizing this connection is the first step toward healing and responding more calmly in those moments.

References

Books & Cultural Sources (Chicago Author-Date)

Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly. Penguin Audio, 2012.
Winnicott, D.W.. Playing and reality. Penguin, 1971.
Brown, Sandra L.. Women Who Love Psychopaths. Mask Publishing, 2018.

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About the Author

Annie Wright, LMFT

LMFT #95719 · Relational Trauma Specialist · W.W. Norton Author

Helping driven women finally feel as good as their résumé looks.

As a licensed psychotherapist (LMFT #95719), trauma-informed executive coach, and relational trauma specialist with over 15,000 clinical hours, she guides driven women. Including Silicon Valley leaders, physicians, and entrepreneurs. In repairing the psychological foundations beneath their impressive lives. Annie is the founder and former CEO of Evergreen Counseling, a multimillion-dollar trauma-informed therapy center she built, scaled, and successfully exited. A regular contributor to Psychology Today, her expert commentary has appeared in USA Today, Forbes, Business Insider, Inc., NBC, and The Information. She is currently writing her first book with W.W. Norton.

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Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT #95719)

Clinical Experience

15,000+ direct clinical hours

Licensed in 11 U.S. Jurisdictions

California · Connecticut · Washington DC · Florida · Maine · Maryland · New Hampshire · New Jersey · Texas · Virginia · Washington

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Creator of House of Life^™ and Fixing the Foundations^™

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The Everything Years (W.W. Norton)

Past Leadership

Founder & former CEO, Evergreen Counseling

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Regular contributor to Psychology Today. Expert commentary has appeared in USA Today, Forbes, Business Insider, Inc., NBC, and The Information.

Medical Disclaimer

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it normal to feel this overwhelmed when I'm supposedly a "high-functioning" adult?

Absolutely. High-functioning often means you're excellent at absorbing everyone else's stress while having nowhere to discharge your own. When you're the primary breadwinner, emotional support system, and logistics manager simultaneously, overwhelm isn't weakness, it's the predictable result of unsustainable demands without adequate support systems.

Why do these pep talks help when they're just imaginary parental voices?

Your nervous system doesn't distinguish between real and internalized supportive voices when it comes to emotional regulation. Reading compassionate words repeatedly helps build neural pathways for self-compassion that relational trauma prevented from developing naturally. These essays provide templates for the internal parent voice you deserved but never received.

How can I access this kind of support if I don't have parents to turn to?

Support can come from chosen family, partners, close friends, or therapists who provide consistent, caring presence. The key is allowing yourself to receive support despite trauma teaching you that needing help means being a burden. Professional therapy offers a unique form of reparenting where someone consistently shows up for your struggles.

What's the difference between toxic positivity and genuine parental encouragement?

Toxic positivity dismisses real struggles with "just think positive." Genuine encouragement acknowledges how hard things are ("this feels hellish to go through") while holding both the difficulty and the belief in your capacity to endure. It validates suffering while maintaining hope, never minimizing pain with platitudes.

Why does overwhelm feel so much worse for trauma survivors?

Trauma survivors often lack the internalized supportive voice that helps others self-soothe during stress. Without early co-regulation experiences, your nervous system lacks the template for calming yourself with compassionate self-talk. Additionally, current overwhelm often triggers body memories of childhood helplessness, compounding present stress with past trauma activation.

Browse By Category

Why does life feel like a constant ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t’ scenario?

Would anyone else struggle if they were carrying what you’re carrying?

Will this incredibly hard time pass. And who will you be on the other side of it?

You are not your parents. Some nights, that's the hardest thing to hold.

The Cycle-Breaker’s Survival Guide

For many of us, reading words like these can feel like a fantasy. Do people have parents who talk to them that way?

How do you find support when you’re overwhelmed and feeling completely alone?

Both/And: You Can Honor Your Family and Still Name What Happened

The Systemic Lens: Why Childhood Wounds Are Cultural, Not Just Personal

Fixing the Foundations™

How to Begin Healing When It All Feels Like Too Much

Further Reading on Relational Trauma

References

Read Annie’s weekly essays on rebuilding after relational trauma.

Annie Wright, LMFT

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