When Being “Good” Isn’t Good Enough

In my therapy practice, I keep seeing this same story play out: ridiculously capable women who look like they’re crushing it on paper, but privately feel like they’re one mistake away from everything falling apart. Extreme perfectionism. 

Take Rachel (not her real name – I’ve changed the details to protect privacy). From the outside, she’s living the Silicon Valley dream. She’s 34, her AI startup is taking off, and she’s got VCs practically camping outside her office. TechCrunch just named her one of their “40 Under 40.”

But in our video sessions, when she can finally drop the polished founder mask, it’s a different story.

“I feel like I’m playing this insane game of high-stakes Jenga,” she told me recently, looking exhausted despite her perfect Zoom backdrop. “Like if I pull the wrong block – miss one investor email, screw up one pitch – the whole thing comes crashing down and everyone finally sees I’m not actually qualified to be here.”

After thirteen years of sitting with clients (and working through my own version of this), I’ve noticed something: This isn’t just about being ambitious or having high standards. That relentless drive to be perfect, to anticipate every possible problem, to never show weakness – it usually comes from somewhere deeper. It’s like we learned early on that being “good enough” wasn’t actually enough to keep us safe or loved or valued. So we aimed for perfect instead.

Where This “Not Good Enough” Story Really Starts

When Rachel finally opened up about her childhood, it was like hearing a story I’ve heard a hundred times in my practice. Her mom’s response to straight A’s? A quick glance and “What happened in Calculus?” (She got a 98%). Her dad was technically around – sitting at the dinner table and everything – but always buried in his laptop, barely looking up when she tried to tell him about her day.

The message was pretty clear: being “good” wasn’t good enough to actually get anyone’s attention. Rachel figured out pretty quick that maybe if she just achieved enough – got into the right college, landed the perfect job, started a successful company – someone would finally look up and really see her.

I see this all the time in my practice, and research backs up what I’m seeing in the therapy room. Ko et al.’s (2019) study actually mapped out how growing up with inconsistent attention or validation (what researchers call “insecure attachment”) directly leads to perfectionism later in life. In Rachel’s case, that showed up as this constant fear that one wrong move would expose her as a fraud: “I feel like I’m one mediocre pitch deck away from everyone realizing I don’t actually deserve to be here.”

You might look at someone like Rachel and think “classic overachiever.” But what I’ve learned from both research and my therapy room is that it’s way more complex than that. A 2023 study from Smith and Chen found that almost 70% of high-achieving professionals report this exact pattern – using achievement as a way to secure the validation they missed growing up. It’s not just about being ambitious or driven. It’s about learning early on that love or attention was this scarce resource you had to compete for, and carrying that pattern right into your adult life.

How This Gets Hardwired Into Our System

Here’s what’s wild about perfectionism – it’s not just some annoying habit or mindset. It literally rewires our brain’s alarm system. West’s (2023) groundbreaking research shows how early experiences that make us feel unsafe or not good enough actually change how our brain processes potential threats. Basically, our internal threat detector (technically called the amygdala) gets stuck in hyperdrive.

Think of it like your phone’s notifications being turned up to max volume, all the time, for everything. That’s what happens in your brain when perfectionism takes over – every small mistake or criticism feels like a five-alarm fire.

I’ve started calling it the “achievement treadmill” in my practice because that’s exactly what it feels like – you’re running faster and faster, but you never actually get anywhere. Each accomplishment gives you maybe five minutes of relief before your brain starts screaming “What’s next? Better not mess this up!”

Recent research from Aloi et al. (2024) shows how we often internalize those critical voices from our past – like Rachel’s mom’s perpetual disappointment or her dad’s chronic emotional absence. We basically install their criticism as our brain’s default operating system. And once that system is running, it creates this endless loop of pushing ourselves harder while constantly seeking validation from others.

For Rachel, this showed up in every aspect of running her startup. Each investor meeting, team presentation, or product launch felt like her entire worth was on the line. During one particularly raw session, she completely fell apart after getting some mild feedback from an investor. It wasn’t even harsh criticism – just normal suggestions for improvement – but to her brain’s hyperactive threat system, it felt like everything was crumbling.

What Perfectionism Does To Your Body and Brain

The thing about perfectionism is that it doesn’t just stay in your head – it shows up in your body too. Rachel dealt with constant migraines, stomach issues, and the kind of exhaustion that even a week’s vacation couldn’t touch. But she kept pushing because that’s what the achievement treadmill demands.

Molnar et al.’s (2017) research actually mapped out how this works in our bodies. Perfectionism messes with our stress response system (specifically something called the HPA axis – the connection between our brain and stress hormones). Over time, this floods our system with cortisol (our main stress hormone) and basically keeps our body’s alarm system permanently switched on. This explains why so many perfectionists deal with chronic health issues – their bodies are literally stuck in emergency mode.

What Perfectionism Does To Your Relationships

The real kicker is how perfectionism messes with your relationships – at work and everywhere else. During Rachel’s company retreat, her co-founder finally said what everyone had been thinking: the team was basically paralyzed. Nobody wanted to make a move without triple-checking everything first, because they knew Rachel would find something wrong. Even basic decisions turned into these drawn-out ordeals, and their ability to move fast (pretty important for a startup) was taking a serious hit.

Moss’s (2021) research actually backs this up – perfectionists really struggle with delegation and trust. As Rachel put it during one session: “I mean, I want to trust my team. But if they screw up, that’s on me, right?” Classic perfectionist trap.

But it wasn’t just work. Her friends started noticing how she was pulling away. Grabbing drinks or doing weekend brunches became just another item on her endless to-do list – something to check off rather than actually enjoy. The irony? This is exactly when she needed her support system the most. But perfectionism has this way of making you isolate right when you need people the most.

The Extra Weight of Being “The Only One”

For women in tech (or really any male-dominated field), perfectionism hits different. Thakur et al.’s (2023) research shows how women and especially people from marginalized groups face this brutal double standard – having to be basically perfect just to be seen as competent.

This gets even messier when you add social media to the mix. Hosseini et al.’s (2023) found that platforms like Instagram and LinkedIn are particularly rough on ambitious women. It’s like this endless highlight reel of other people’s successes that your brain uses as ammunition against you. Every “I’m excited to announce…” post becomes another reminder of how you’re somehow falling short.

The standards are already impossibly high when you’re the only woman in the room, or the only person of color, or both. You’re not just managing your own perfectionism – you’re carrying the weight of representation too. One false move feels like you’re letting down your entire gender or community. No pressure, right?

Breaking Free From Perfectionism: What Actually Helps

After thirteen years of sitting with clients in my therapy room (and doing my own work around perfectionism), I’ve learned something important: There’s no magic solution that suddenly makes perfectionism disappear. But there are evidence-based approaches that actually work – not to “fix” perfectionism, but to transform our relationship with it.

Let me walk you through what I’ve seen make the biggest difference, both in my practice and in the research.

Understanding What’s Really Happening

The first breakthrough usually comes with understanding that perfectionism isn’t some character flaw – it’s actually a pretty brilliant survival strategy your brain came up with. Briere & Scott’s (2014) research shows how early experiences literally rewire our brain’s threat detection system. When we understand this, we can start approaching our patterns with curiosity instead of judgment.

I watched this click for Rachel during one of our sessions. “Wait…” she said, sitting up straighter in her chair during our telehealth session, “so you’re telling me my brain was actually trying to protect me? I’m not just broken?” The relief on her face was immediate. Because here’s the thing – fighting yourself is exhausting. But understanding why you do what you do? That’s where real change can begin.

Getting Your Body On Board

One of the most fascinating things recent trauma research has shown us is that our bodies hold what our minds try to rationalize away. For Rachel, perfectionism wasn’t just mental – it showed up physically: chest tightening during team meetings, stomach in knots before investor pitches. These weren’t random stress symptoms – they were her body’s alarm system blaring.

Schwartz et al.’s (2020) groundbreaking research demonstrates how specific breathing patterns can actually help rewire this system. For Rachel, the 4-7-8 breathing method became what she called her “emergency brake” – a way to physically interrupt perfectionism’s grip when it started taking over. We also incorporated what Levine’s (2010) research calls progressive muscle relaxation – essentially teaching your body that it’s safe to relax instead of staying in constant crisis mode.

The Clinical Heavy Lifters

Sometimes we need bigger proverbial power tools to tackle perfectionism’s roots. In my practice, I’ve found two approaches particularly powerful:

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) – Shapiro’s (2018) research shows it can help reprocess those early experiences that keep perfectionism running. Yes, it sounds a bit out there (moving your eyes back and forth while processing memories?), but the research backing it is solid. It helps your brain file away old painful experiences differently so they stop triggering your present-day perfectionism.

IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy – This helped Rachel understand her “perfectionist part” wasn’t actually the enemy. Instead of trying to eliminate her perfectionism (which never works), she learned to appreciate why it showed up and teach it new ways to keep her safe. Think of it like working with a really overprotective security guard – you don’t fire them, you help them find better ways to do their job.

Redefining What Success Actually Means

This is where things get real. Flett et al.’s (2023) research confirms what I’ve seen over and over in my practice: the magic happens when people start measuring success by their own standards instead of everyone else’s expectations.

For Rachel, this meant asking herself some uncomfortable questions: What if success wasn’t just about impressing investors or hitting impossible metrics? What if it was about building technology that actually helped people while maintaining her own wellbeing? This wasn’t about lowering her standards – it was about choosing which standards actually mattered to her.

The shift was subtle at first. She started reconnecting with her original vision of building accessible technology – a mission that had gotten buried under metrics and market expectations. “For the first time in years,” she shared, “I feel like I’m building something that matters to me, not just something that looks good on paper.”

What This Perfectionism Transformation Actually Looks Like

After months of work, Rachel’s relationship with perfectionism began to shift. Her team noticed she could handle feedback without spiraling. She started delegating more, trusting her team’s capabilities instead of micromanaging every detail. Most importantly, she reported feeling more present in her actual life instead of constantly preparing for imagined disasters.

Did perfectionism completely disappear? No. But it transformed from a relentless taskmaster into more of an occasional consultant – still there, but no longer running the show.

An Invitation to Begin Your Own Journey

If Rachel’s story resonates with you – if you’ve been exhausting yourself trying to maintain impossibly high standards while feeling like you’re never quite enough – I want you to know something: You’re not alone. Many of us have walked this path, searching for ways to maintain our impact while finding genuine presence and peace within ourselves.

In 2025, I’ll be launching “Fixing the Foundations,” a comprehensive course designed specifically for ambitious women seeking to transform their relationship with perfectionism. Drawing from evidence-based research and clinical experience, we’ll explore practical tools for:

• Understanding the roots of your perfectionist patterns
• Developing sustainable self-compassion practices
• Creating achievement that aligns with your authentic values
• Building relationships that support genuine growth
• Maintaining excellence while finding true presence

This isn’t about lowering your standards or diminishing your impact. It’s about creating success that feels meaningful and sustainable – success built on a foundation of self-trust rather than self-criticism.

Your journey toward healing perfectionism doesn’t have to be perfect – it just needs to begin. If you’d like to learn more about Fixing the Foundations and join our waitlist, I invite you to click below. Together, we can start building a foundation that truly supports the life you want to create.

→ Join the Fixing the Foundations Waitlist

I’d love to hear what parts of Rachel’s story resonated most with you. What has your experience been with perfectionism? Share in the comments below, and I’ll be sure to respond.

Warmly,

Annie

References:

• Ko, A., Hewitt, P. L., Chen, C., & Flett, G. L. (2019). Perfectionism as a mediator between attachment and depression in children and adolescents. Perspectives on Psychological Science
• West, H. (2023).Clinical Case Formulation Using a Shame-Informed Model. Harper West Publications
• Molnar, D. S., Sirois, F. M., Flett, G. L., Janssen, W., & Hewitt, P. L. (2017). Perfectionism and health: The roles of health behaviors and stress-related processes. In The Psychology of Perfectionism (pp. xx–xx)
• Flett, G. L., Nepon, T., Hewitt, P. L., & Swiderski, K. (2023).Trait Perfectionism, Perfectionistic Automatic Thoughts, Perfectionistic Self-Presentation, and Self-Compassion Among Students and Mothers of Young Children. Journal of Concurrent Disorders
• Moss, J. (2021). The Burnout Epidemic: The Rise of Chronic Stress and How We Can Fix It. Harvard Business Review Press.
• Aloi, M., Rania, M., Lo Coco, G., & Carcione, A. (2024).Psychosocial risk factors in the development, maintenance, and treatment outcome of eating disorders. Frontiers in Psychology.
• Thakur, A., Chauhan, R., Tyagi, S., Pandey, A. S., & Agarwal, T. (2023).Perfectionism in Adults: Associations With Gender and Socioeconomic Status. Journal of Gender Studies.
• Hosseini, Z., Yarelahi, M., & Rahimi, S. F. (2023).Investigating the factors related to work-family conflicts experienced by working women: A systematic review. Health Scope.
• Schwartz, M., Gleiser, K. A., & Galperin, L. (2020).The emerging psychological trauma paradigm: Implications for treatment. AEDP Institute Journal.
• Levine, P. A. (2010). In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness. North Atlantic Books.
• Shapiro, F. (2018). Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy: Basic Principles, Protocols, and Procedures. Guilford Press.