“My wife and I have a good relationship. It’s not perfect but what is? I love her and mostly feel really close to her. Sure, we fight like all couples but we’re pretty good at making up afterward and working through it. It’s taken time, of course, but we’ve got a good marriage.”
Reading these vignettes above, could you see yourself in any aspect of them?
All of these vignettes describes a different kind of attachment style – the pattern we have in our close relationships (romantic, close friendships, family, etc).
We all have an attachment style.
The four types of attachment styles are anxious-ambivalent, anxious-avoidant, disorganized, and secure.
Many of us will see ourselves heavily in one attachment style. But it’s also possible to see yourself in two or more of these styles at some points.
We “learn” our attachment style based on our early childhood experiences which means that, for those of us who may have come from dysfunctional, neglectful, or relationally unsupportive homes, the chances are high that we might not have learned secure attachment, but, instead, learned and absorbed one of the other styles.
The challenging aspect of this is that when we have an attachment style that’s not secure, it can create challenges in our emotional lives and in our relationships. This leads to a host of impacts. Being frustrated and interrupted longings for intimacy, chaotic or unstable relationships, etc..
The good news is this: secure attachment can be learned and earned no matter what style you have today.
To learn more about these four attachment styles and to learn what it may take to become more securely attached, keep reading.
What are the four attachment styles?
Attachment theory – a psychological model pioneered by British child psychiatrist John Bowlby, MD that addresses how we as humans respond in relationship when we feel stress or perceive a threat – is, quite simply, the dominant patterns of relating to others that play out in our lives.
Our attachment styles are informed by our early childhood experiences. The “relational template” we picked up from our parents, caretakers, or other significant early influencers.
Attachment theory essentially says that infants will bond to any primary caretaker they are presented with. It’s this caretaker who is critical for the caretaker’s emotional and social development.
Now, please understand, attachment theory doesn’t aim to put even more pressure on parents/caretakers by implying that you have to be a “perfect” caretaker.
That’s not the goal (it’s also impossible).
Being a good-enough caretaker.
The goal instead is to be a good-enough caretaker. Who can repair ruptures with the infant and child when they happen (as they inevitably will).
But when this doesn’t happen, when a parent or caretaker repeatedly and egregiously fails to attune and repair after rupture and where there is outright abuse and neglect of an infant, that impacts the infant’s sense of secure attachment.
