But, even though the longing lingers, you may increasingly know that, if you do reach out looking for support, you’ll likely just get hurt, disappointed, and even angry when presented with the reality of your parent – a parent who simply can’t meet your needs because they don’t have the emotional and psychological capacity to do so.

You know this. Intellectually you get it. 

But still, naturally, you hunger for support. For comfort. 

For your mom or dad to be on the other end of the phone as a source of solace when life feels hard and you feel like you just can’t adult anymore.

So what is there to do when you’re in this space? 

When you’re hungry for support but you know you can’t and won’t get it from your mother or father figure?

You absorb the support, guidance, and uplifting of psychologically healthy others who can meet your needs in ways that your family-of-origin cannot. 

Ideally, we have flesh-and-blood others, second-chance-family-of-choice, around us who can offer this to us.

And in addition to this (or instead of this), we can draw comfort and solace from pen and paper mentors, the written word, a random essay posted on the internet. 

Helpful words can be a balm to weary hearts. 

And so, today’s essay is a sort of a pep talk, a letter of encouragement and comfort, written as though a good enough mother might say it to her overwhelmed and exhausted adult daughter. 

If you’re struggling, feeling overwhelmed, burned out, exhausted, lost, and scared, if you long for comfort but cannot get it from your actual mother, today’s essay is written for you.

(And please note: while this essay is written from mother to daughter and assumes the daughter has children, you can of course substitute any gender of parental figure and your own gender expression into this essay as well as edit out any parts about having children. Use this as a mental, imaginal exercise and personalize it to your life and your needs.)

What your mother would say to you (if she could)…

Oh, honey. You’re really having a hard time right now, aren’t you?

Tell me all about it. I want to hear what’s going on with you. 

It’s a lot, isn’t it? 

Working full-time, trying to raise children, trying to run a household and keep up with everything, let alone trying to be a good partner and a good friend.

I remember those days. How exhausting, how draining it could feel. 

And I didn’t have to deal with a global pandemic on top of it all!

You’re doing such an incredible job, honey. Truly. 

I know it doesn’t feel like you’re doing a great job.