Let’s be honest: It’s a muddy, hard question. But what if there was gold in the mud? What if by looking at and sitting with this question there could actually be value to us and to the way we live our lives whether we’re partnered or not?
So in today’s blog post I want to get in the mud with you, share my perspective as a psychotherapist, and help you explore what this question might mean for you and the way you live your life now and moving forward. Keep reading if you, like so many others, have ever found yourself wondering, “What if I never meet The One? (or anyone for that matter.)”
Meeting & Marrying The One: The Biggest Cultural Introject of Them All?
First of all, the belief that we will grow up, meet and marry The One is, in my opinion, one of the biggest cultural introjects of them all.
What’s an introject? According to Webster’s dictionary, an introject means “to incorporate (attitudes or ideas) into one’s personality unconsciously.” In other words, it’s basically a belief that we psychologically “swallow whole” and that then informs our worldview.
In this case, what I’m trying to say is that the idea that we will all grow up, meet and marry The One — our perfect person, a romantic partner to spend the rest of our lives with, a lid to our pot, or, for fellow Friend’s fans out there, our “Lobster” — well, it’s basically a belief that society writ large has spoon-fed us since birth and, moreover, has been reified by reasons as diverse as millennia of biology to Millenials raised on Disney.
For example, since time immemorial, there were very real biological drives to partner that helped ensure the survival of our species (think safety in numbers, progeny and procreation, economic insurance through combining households, etc). Couple these deeply-rooted biological drives and survival behaviors with the relatively modern notion of romantic love as enforced by virtually every single Disney plot line and most songs and RomComs ever, and you’ve got a potent cultural introject that assumes and prompts most of us to seek The One (or someone) to spend the rest of our lives with.
The bottom line.
If you believe that you should grow up and partner with The One, you come by the belief honestly. The messages that reinforce this belief are virtually all around us.
But what if this isn’t happening for you? What if you’re struggling to meet someone, anyone, to partner with? And what if you really DO want to meet and marry someone? Or what if you met someone you thought was The One, but ultimately you broke up, divorced, or parted ways? Or what if The One died and left you alone and in deep grief and fear that you may not meet someone else?
