Coming from relational trauma backgrounds skews our sense of what’s normal.

“Most of us learn in childhood to “cope”–which is to say ignore, numb, manage, or reinterpret reality. We do it to survive, but our relational instincts get bent in the process.” 

– W. Allen Morris

When we come from relational trauma backgrounds, we have many unmet needs.

But also, when we come from relational trauma backgrounds, our sense of what is “normal” (aka: healthy, functional, and appropriate) may become distorted.

What is relational trauma?

As I define it in my work, relational trauma, specifically childhood relational trauma, is the kind of trauma that results over the course of time in the context of a power-imbalanced and dysfunctional relationship (often between a child and caregiver) that results in a host of complex and lingering biopsychosocial impacts for the individual who endured the trauma.

It’s a set of experiences that takes place in relationship – usually with parents or caregivers – that can set a conscious and unconscious template of what we come to expect in our lives. 

And in relational trauma experiences, that template is often unhealthy, dysfunctional, or maladaptive.

What templates can be formed?

Our belief about how worthy and lovable we are may be distorted.

Our sense of boundaries may be warped.

Our ability to feel regulated and safe may be impaired.

Our views on how reliable and consistent others are may be skewed.

Our belief about our needs and wants and what’s possible in terms of having those needs and wants met may be altered…

And that, specifically, is what I want to talk about today: our beliefs about our needs and wants and what’s possible in terms of getting them met when we come from relational trauma backgrounds.

All of us, from the moment we are born, need to attach safely to others.

Our literal survival depends on it as infants and children.

But beyond food and shelter and the absence of danger, infants and children require attunement, mirroring, and positive interpersonal interactions to help shape and form our brains and nervous systems.

What do I mean by this?

Attunement, the process of being aware of and responsive to a child’s needs, is crucial for emotional attachment and the development of secure relationships. 

It begins with meeting basic needs. But it also includes responding to a child’s emotional states in a way that makes them feel understood and safe. 

This emotional connection is foundational for a child’s overall development, helping them to feel secure and fostering a strong foundation for their emotional and psychological growth​​​​.

Research highlights the impact of these interactions on brain development. 

For instance, variations in mother-infant interactions have been associated with differences in infant brain volumes. This is particular in areas related to emotional regulation and socio-emotional functioning.