Reviewing all of your life areas and carefully crafting your annual goals can be a terrific exercise in going after your dreams, and it can also turn into a bit of a self-flagellation when we catch ourselves bemoaning where we are, longing to be somewhere different, and comparing ourselves to others both real and imagined.

From believing we “should” have sorted out our career by now to imagining we “should” already be married to the love of our life and making fat, healthy babies with them, for some of us, dreaming and annual goal setting can quickly turn into “shoulding” all over ourselves.

(I wonder if you can relate? I mean, I know I’m certainly not immune to this kind of thinking…)

So what’s to do about it? How can we challenge those self-critical thoughts that tell us we “should” be somewhere other than where we are?

I have two tools – two questions, really – that I want to share with you that might help you stop “shoulding” all over yourself.

Tool #1 for challenging the “shoulds”: Pressure test “should” v.s. want.

As my clients well know, “should” is basically a four-letter word in my therapy office.

Should essentially means we’re using an external marker, an outside expectation, versus being present to our own authentic desires.

When my clients use the phrase “I should be [fill in the blank]”, I’ll interrupt them and ask an important question, “Okay, you think you should be that. But is that what you actually want to be?”

So when you catch yourself shoulding on yourself, please stop and pressure test it by asking this same question: is it a should you imagine you’re expected to do, or is it a true, deep longing, an actual WANT of yours?

And pay particular attention to whether the “want” of that thing shows up as a thought in your head or a feeling in your body.

Maybe in your chest or belly. If it’s a head-centered thought of wanting, it’s more likely still a “should.” If it’s a sensation that’s coming from your body (anywhere below your head!), then it’s most likely an actual want of yours.

And if it is an actual want of yours, a deep longing, or even a jealousy that’s being triggered, that’s actually really good information for you!

I’ve written about this before but I honestly don’t think jealousy is such a bad thing. All feelings have information for us. I personally think jealousy tries to steer us (albeit clumsily) towards our soul’s deep longings.

So pressure test any shoulds that show up for you by asking yourself the question. “Is this something I think I should do, or is it something I actually want to do?”