The Complete Guide to Trauma Bonding: Understanding and Breaking Free from Unhealthy Attachments

I remember the first time a client, Sarah, described her relationship to me. “I know he’s not good for me,” she said, tears streaming down her face. “I know I should leave. But I can’t. It’s like there’s this invisible rope tying me to him, and every time I try to cut it, it just gets stronger.”

Sarah was describing trauma bonding – one of the most confusing and painful aspects of unhealthy relationships that I see in my practice. If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in a relationship that you know isn’t good for you, unable to leave despite the pain, you might be experiencing trauma bonding too.

Here’s the thing about trauma bonding – it’s not a character flaw or a sign of weakness. It’s a very real psychological phenomenon that happens when our nervous system gets hijacked by cycles of abuse and intermittent reinforcement. Understanding what’s happening in your brain and body can be the first step toward breaking free.

In this comprehensive guide, we’ll explore everything you need to know about trauma bonding: what it is, how it forms, why it’s so hard to break, and most importantly, how you can heal and create the healthy relationships you deserve.

Whether you’re currently in a trauma bonded relationship, trying to heal from one, or supporting someone who is struggling with these dynamics, this guide will provide you with the knowledge and tools you need to understand and address trauma bonding.

What Is Trauma Bonding?

Trauma bonding is a psychological phenomenon where a person forms a strong emotional attachment to someone who causes them harm. It’s characterized by cycles of abuse followed by periods of kindness or affection, creating a powerful psychological bond that can be incredibly difficult to break.

The term was first coined by Patrick Carnes in his work on betrayal trauma, but the concept has been observed in various contexts – from domestic violence situations to cult dynamics, from workplace abuse to parent-child relationships.

Here’s what makes trauma bonding so confusing: the very person who hurts you is also the person who provides relief from that hurt. It’s like being in a burning building where the arsonist is also the firefighter. Your nervous system becomes conditioned to seek comfort from the source of your pain.

I had a client, Maria, who described it perfectly: “It’s like being addicted to someone who’s slowly poisoning you. You know they’re toxic, but you keep going back because sometimes – just sometimes – they give you exactly what you need.”

This isn’t about what even is trauma and how do I know if mine counts in the traditional sense. Trauma bonding can happen to anyone, regardless of their background or previous experiences. However, if you’ve experienced early relational trauma that damages the foundation of our house, you might be more susceptible to these dynamics.

Many people who experience trauma bonding also struggle with questions like was my childhood really that bad or wonder about six reasons why you might struggle with the term childhood trauma. These questions are completely normal and part of understanding your own patterns.

The Complexity of Trauma Bonding

Trauma bonding is complex because it involves both psychological and physiological components. It’s not just about making poor choices or having low self-esteem – though these factors can play a role. It’s about how your brain and nervous system respond to patterns of intermittent reinforcement and how your attachment system gets activated in unhealthy ways.

If you’ve ever wondered about definition of relational trauma with examples, trauma bonding often develops within the context of relational trauma – harm that occurs within relationships that are supposed to provide safety and connection.

The confusion that comes with trauma bonding is real and valid. You might find yourself thinking, “But they can be so loving and kind,” or “Maybe I’m overreacting,” or “If I just try harder, things will get better.” These thoughts are part of the trauma bonding pattern, not evidence that you’re imagining the harm.

The Science Behind Trauma Bonding

To understand trauma bonding, we need to look at what’s happening in your brain and nervous system. When you’re in a relationship with someone who alternates between causing harm and providing comfort, your brain gets caught in a neurochemical rollercoaster.

During the “good” times, your brain releases dopamine, oxytocin, and other feel-good chemicals. These are the same chemicals involved in healthy bonding and attachment. But here’s the catch – intermittent reinforcement (unpredictable rewards) actually creates stronger neural pathways than consistent positive reinforcement.

Think about it like a slot machine. If a slot machine paid out every time, you’d quickly lose interest. But because it pays out unpredictably, it becomes addictive. The same principle applies to trauma bonding relationships.

Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, author of “The Body Keeps the Score,” explains that trauma literally reshapes our brains. When we’re in survival mode, our prefrontal cortex (the rational thinking part of our brain) goes offline, and our limbic system (the emotional, survival-oriented part) takes over.

This is why you might find yourself thinking, “I know this relationship is bad for me, but I can’t seem to leave.” Your rational mind knows the truth, but your nervous system is operating from a place of survival and attachment.

The Neurochemical Cycle

The neurochemical cycle of trauma bonding involves several key components:

Stress Response: During abusive episodes, your body releases stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. This puts you in a state of hypervigilance and survival mode.

Relief Response: When the abuse stops or when the abusive person shows kindness, your body releases relief chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin. This creates a powerful sense of bonding and attachment.

Withdrawal: When the kind behavior stops, you experience a kind of withdrawal, similar to what happens with substance addiction. This creates a craving for the relief and connection.

Seeking Behavior: You find yourself trying to recreate the conditions that led to the kind behavior, often by trying to be “better” or by avoiding behaviors that might trigger abuse.

This cycle becomes deeply ingrained in your nervous system, making it incredibly difficult to break free even when you intellectually understand that the relationship is harmful.

The trauma and nervous system connection is crucial here. When you’re in a trauma bonded relationship, your nervous system becomes dysregulated. You might experience symptoms like:

• Hypervigilance (constantly scanning for threats)
• Emotional numbness alternating with intense emotions
• Difficulty sleeping or concentrating
• Physical symptoms like headaches, stomach issues, or chronic pain
• Feeling like you’re “walking on eggshells”

If you’re recognizing these patterns and wondering about your own experiences, you might find it helpful to read about childhood emotional neglect or explore resources about complex trauma vs PTSD.

The Role of Attachment Systems

Our attachment systems, which develop in early childhood, play a crucial role in trauma bonding. These systems are designed to keep us connected to our caregivers for survival. In healthy relationships, our attachment system helps us form secure, stable bonds.

But in trauma bonding relationships, our attachment system gets hijacked. The person who causes harm also provides intermittent comfort, which activates our attachment system in confusing ways. This is especially true if you experienced attachment trauma in childhood.

If you’re interested in understanding more about how your attachment style might be affecting your relationships, you might find it helpful to explore attachment styles and how they show up in leadership or learn about how professional strengths can become relationship blindspots.

How Trauma Bonds Form

Trauma bonds don’t happen overnight. They develop through a predictable cycle that can be incredibly difficult to recognize when you’re in the middle of it. Understanding this cycle is crucial for breaking free.

The Trauma Bonding Cycle

1. The Honeymoon Phase This is where it all begins. The person who will later cause harm presents themselves as charming, attentive, and seemingly perfect. They might shower you with attention, gifts, or affection. This phase feels intoxicating because it activates all your attachment and bonding systems.

I remember Jessica telling me about the beginning of her relationship: “He was everything I’d ever wanted. He called me every day, brought me flowers, told me I was the most amazing woman he’d ever met. I felt like I’d won the lottery.”

This phase often involves what’s called “love bombing” – excessive attention and affection that feels overwhelming but exciting. If you’ve experienced childhood emotional neglect, this intense attention might feel especially compelling because it fills a void you’ve carried for a long time.

2. The Tension Building Phase Gradually, things start to shift. There might be small criticisms, mood changes, or controlling behaviors. You might find yourself walking on eggshells, trying to prevent conflict or keep the peace.

During this phase, you might start to notice that the safety of a packed calendar when busyness shields you from feelings becomes your coping mechanism. You stay busy to avoid dealing with the growing tension.

You might also find yourself becoming hypervigilant, constantly monitoring their mood and trying to predict their reactions. This is your nervous system trying to keep you safe, but it’s exhausting and keeps you in a constant state of stress.

3. The Incident This is when the abuse happens – whether it’s emotional, physical, sexual, or psychological. It might be yelling, name-calling, threats, violence, or other harmful behaviors. Your nervous system goes into survival mode.

During this phase, you might experience what feels like being so dysregulated that you can’t think clearly or make decisions. This is a normal response to trauma and abuse.

4. The Reconciliation Phase After the incident, the abusive person often becomes apologetic, loving, or remorseful. They might bring gifts, make promises to change, or return to the charming behavior from the honeymoon phase. This is when the trauma bond gets reinforced.

This phase is particularly powerful because it provides relief from the stress and fear of the incident phase. Your nervous system, which was in survival mode, suddenly gets flooded with relief and bonding chemicals. This creates a powerful association between this person and safety, even though they were the source of the danger.

5. The Calm Phase Things seem to return to “normal.” You might feel hopeful that the relationship has turned a corner. But this calm is temporary, and the cycle begins again.

During this phase, you might find yourself minimizing what happened or making excuses for their behavior. You might think, “Maybe it wasn’t that bad,” or “They were just stressed.” This is your mind trying to make sense of the confusing dynamics.

Why This Cycle Is So Powerful

This cycle creates what psychologists call “intermittent reinforcement” – the most powerful form of conditioning known to psychology. Your brain becomes addicted to the relief and connection that comes after periods of stress and harm.

It’s similar to what happens with childhood trauma adaptations – your nervous system learns to survive in an unpredictable environment by becoming hypervigilant and constantly seeking signs of safety or danger.

If you experienced relational trauma in childhood, you might be particularly susceptible to trauma bonding because your nervous system is already wired to expect inconsistency in relationships.

The cycle also creates what’s called “cognitive dissonance” – the discomfort you feel when you hold two conflicting beliefs (like “this person loves me” and “this person hurts me”). To reduce this discomfort, your mind often resolves the conflict by minimizing the harm or maximizing the good times.

The Role of Hope and Fantasy

One of the most powerful aspects of trauma bonding is the role of hope and fantasy. During the good times, you get glimpses of what the relationship could be if the person would just change or if you could just figure out how to avoid triggering their anger.

This hope keeps you invested in the relationship even during the difficult times. You might find yourself thinking, “If I can just love them enough,” or “If I can just be better,” or “They showed me who they really are during the good times.”

This hope isn’t naive or foolish – it’s a natural human response to intermittent reinforcement. But it can keep you stuck in harmful patterns long after you might otherwise leave.

If you’re struggling with these patterns and wondering about your own experiences, you might find it helpful to read about the strong one and the emotional cost or explore resources about outgrowing your origins.

Signs You Might Be in a Trauma Bonded Relationship

Recognizing trauma bonding can be challenging because it often feels like intense love or connection. Here are some signs that what you’re experiencing might be trauma bonding rather than healthy attachment:

Emotional Signs

• You feel like you can’t live without this person, even though they hurt you
• You make excuses for their behavior to others and yourself
• You feel responsible for their emotions and actions
• You experience intense highs and lows in the relationship
• You feel like you’re “addicted” to them
• You have difficulty imagining life without them, even when you’re unhappy
• You feel like you need to “save” or “fix” them
• You minimize or rationalize their harmful behavior
• You blame yourself when they treat you poorly
• You feel guilty when you consider leaving

Behavioral Signs

• You keep returning to the relationship despite repeated harm
• You isolate yourself from friends and family who express concerns
• You find yourself constantly trying to “fix” or change them
• You walk on eggshells to avoid triggering their anger
• You give up your own needs, interests, or values to keep the peace
• You find yourself lying to others about what’s really happening
• You make major life decisions based on their approval or disapproval
• You find yourself constantly seeking their validation
• You change your behavior, appearance, or opinions to please them
• You stay in the relationship despite knowing it’s harmful

Physical Signs

• You experience chronic stress symptoms (headaches, stomach issues, insomnia)
• You feel physically ill when you think about leaving
• You have panic attacks or anxiety when separated from them
• You feel dysregulated much of the time
• You experience physical symptoms of withdrawal when apart
• You have trouble eating or sleeping during relationship conflicts
• You feel exhausted much of the time
• You experience unexplained aches and pains

Cognitive Signs

• You have difficulty thinking clearly about the relationship
• You minimize or rationalize abusive behavior
• You blame yourself for their actions
• You have intrusive thoughts about them when apart
• You struggle to remember life before this relationship
• You have difficulty making decisions without their input
• You find yourself constantly analyzing their behavior and moods
• You have trouble concentrating on other areas of your life
• You experience memory problems or confusion about events
• You find yourself making excuses for their behavior

Social Signs

• You’ve become isolated from friends and family
• You’ve lost interest in activities you used to enjoy
• You find yourself defending the relationship to others
• You’ve stopped talking to people who express concerns about the relationship
• You feel like no one understands your relationship
• You’ve given up friendships or family relationships to maintain this relationship
• You feel like you can’t talk to anyone about what’s really happening
• You’ve become secretive about your relationship

If you’re reading this and thinking, “This sounds like me, but I’m not sure if what I experienced counts as trauma,” you might find it helpful to read about was it childhood trauma if I was privileged or explore resources about different types of trauma experiences.

You might also be wondering about the complexity of Mother’s Day if you’re recognizing these patterns in your relationship with a parent, or about feeling guilty complaining about your mother if you’re struggling with family dynamics.

The Difference Between Trauma Bonding and Healthy Attachment

It’s important to understand the difference between trauma bonding and healthy attachment, because they can sometimes feel similar, especially in the early stages.

Healthy Attachment Characteristics:

• Consistency: The person is reliably kind, respectful, and supportive. You don’t have to guess what mood they’ll be in or walk on eggshells around them.
• Safety: You feel emotionally and physically safe with them. You can express your thoughts, feelings, and needs without fear of retaliation or abandonment.
• Growth: The relationship encourages your personal growth and independence. They support your goals, interests, and relationships with others.
• Respect: Your boundaries, opinions, and autonomy are respected. They don’t try to control or change you.
• Balance: There’s a healthy give-and-take in the relationship. Both people contribute to the relationship’s wellbeing.
• Support: They support your relationships with friends and family and encourage you to maintain your own identity and interests.
• Communication: You can discuss problems openly and work together to find solutions. Conflict is handled respectfully.
• Trust: You can rely on them to follow through on commitments and to be honest with you.

Trauma Bonding Characteristics:

• Inconsistency: Alternating between kindness and cruelty, making you constantly uncertain about where you stand.
• Fear: You often feel afraid of their reactions, their anger, or their abandonment.
• Stagnation: The relationship prevents your growth or independence. They might discourage your goals or isolate you from others.
• Control: Your boundaries are violated or ignored. They try to control your behavior, thoughts, or relationships.
• Imbalance: You give much more than you receive. The relationship revolves around their needs and emotions.
• Isolation: They discourage or prevent other relationships. You might find yourself cutting off friends or family to avoid conflict.
• Conflict Avoidance: You avoid bringing up problems because you’re afraid of their reaction. Issues never get resolved.
• Unpredictability: You can’t rely on them to follow through on promises or to treat you consistently.

I often tell clients that healthy love feels like coming home to yourself, while trauma bonding feels like losing yourself. In a healthy relationship, you become more of who you are. In a trauma bonded relationship, you become less.

If you’re struggling to understand your own patterns in relationships, you might benefit from exploring how professional strengths can become relationship blindspots or reading about attachment styles and how they show up in leadership.

The Intensity Factor

One thing that can make trauma bonding confusing is that it often feels more intense than healthy relationships. The highs are higher, the emotions are stronger, and the connection can feel deeper. This intensity can be mistaken for passion or true love.

But healthy relationships, while they may feel less dramatic, provide consistent safety, support, and growth. They might not have the same emotional rollercoaster, but they offer something much more valuable: stability, respect, and genuine care.

If you’ve been in trauma bonded relationships, healthy relationships might initially feel “boring” or less exciting. This is normal and doesn’t mean the healthy relationship is wrong for you. It means your nervous system is used to chaos and needs time to adjust to stability.

Types of Trauma Bonding Relationships

Trauma bonding can occur in various types of relationships. Understanding the different contexts can help you recognize patterns in your own life.

Romantic Relationships

This is perhaps the most commonly recognized form of trauma bonding. It often involves cycles of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse followed by periods of intense affection or remorse.

Sarah, a client of mine, described her relationship this way: “When he was good to me, it felt like the sun coming out after a storm. I lived for those moments. But the storms kept getting worse, and the sunshine kept getting shorter.”

In romantic trauma bonding, you might find yourself:

• Making excuses for your partner’s behavior
• Feeling like you can’t live without them
• Experiencing intense jealousy or possessiveness (from them or toward them)
• Feeling responsible for their emotions and wellbeing
• Losing your sense of identity in the relationship
• Isolating from friends and family
• Experiencing cycles of breaking up and getting back together

If you’re in this type of relationship, you might also be dealing with issues around how to spot a sociopath or wondering about narcissistic abuse patterns.

Parent-Child Relationships

Trauma bonding can form between parents and children when there’s inconsistent caregiving, emotional abuse, or neglect mixed with periods of affection or attention.

This might look like a parent who is sometimes loving and attentive but other times critical, rejecting, or emotionally unavailable. Children in these situations often grow up feeling like they need to earn love and may struggle with feeling guilty about complaining about their mother or other caregivers.

Adult children who experienced this type of trauma bonding might:

• Feel responsible for their parent’s emotions
• Have difficulty setting boundaries with family
• Feel guilty when they’re not in contact with their parent
• Make excuses for their parent’s behavior
• Feel like they need to “save” or take care of their parent
• Experience anxiety or guilt around family holidays or gatherings

If you’re recognizing these patterns, you might find it helpful to read about the complexity of Mother’s Day or explore resources about outgrowing your origins.

Workplace Relationships

Trauma bonding can occur in toxic work environments where there are cycles of criticism and praise, or where employees are subjected to emotional abuse followed by rewards or recognition.

This might involve a boss who alternates between berating employees and giving them special privileges or recognition. The unpredictability creates a trauma bond that can make it difficult to leave even toxic work situations.

Workplace trauma bonding might involve:

• Feeling like you need to prove your worth constantly
• Making excuses for a toxic boss or work environment
• Feeling responsible for workplace problems that aren’t your fault
• Experiencing anxiety about work even when you’re not there
• Feeling like you can’t leave despite being unhappy
• Isolating from colleagues who express concerns about the workplace

You might find it helpful to explore how professional strengths can become relationship blindspots or read about attachment styles and how they show up in leadership.

Friendships

Some friendships involve trauma bonding, particularly those with narcissistic or emotionally abusive friends who alternate between being supportive and being cruel or manipulative.

This might look like a friend who:

• Is sometimes incredibly supportive and other times cruel or dismissive
• Makes you feel like you’re walking on eggshells
• Uses your vulnerabilities against you during conflicts
• Alternates between including and excluding you from social activities
• Makes you feel responsible for their emotional wellbeing
• Isolates you from other friends

Cult or Group Dynamics

Trauma bonding is a key component of how cults and other manipulative groups maintain control over their members. The group alternates between punishment and reward, creating strong psychological bonds.

This can also happen in other group settings like:

• Religious organizations with authoritarian leadership
• Multi-level marketing groups
• Exclusive social groups or clubs
• Online communities with toxic dynamics

Family Systems

Sometimes entire family systems operate on trauma bonding dynamics, where family members are bound together by cycles of conflict and reconciliation, making it difficult for anyone to establish healthy boundaries or independence.

This might involve:

• Family members who alternate between being supportive and being critical or rejecting
• Family secrets that everyone is expected to keep
• Scapegoating of certain family members
• Enmeshment where individual identity is discouraged
• Cycles of family drama followed by periods of apparent harmony

If you’re recognizing these patterns and wondering about your family dynamics, you might find it helpful to read about early relational trauma that damages the foundation or explore resources about intergenerational trauma.

The Role of Childhood Trauma in Trauma Bonding

While anyone can experience trauma bonding, those who experienced childhood trauma are often more susceptible to these dynamics in adult relationships. This isn’t your fault – it’s how your nervous system learned to survive.

How Childhood Experiences Set the Stage

When children experience inconsistent caregiving, emotional neglect, or abuse, their developing brains adapt to survive in an unpredictable environment. They learn that love and pain often come from the same source, and that relationships are inherently unstable.

This creates what we call “internal working models” – unconscious beliefs about yourself, others, and relationships that guide your behavior in adult relationships.

Some common internal working models that develop from childhood trauma include:

• “Love hurts, but it’s better than being alone”
• “I have to earn love by being perfect or useful”
• “People always leave, so I need to hold on tight”
• “Conflict means someone will abandon me”
• “I’m only valuable when I’m needed”
• “My needs don’t matter”
• “I’m responsible for other people’s emotions”
• “If I’m good enough, they won’t hurt me”

If you experienced childhood emotional neglect, you might have learned that your emotional needs don’t matter, making you more likely to accept relationships where your needs are consistently ignored or minimized.

Specific Childhood Experiences That Increase Vulnerability

Several types of childhood experiences can increase your vulnerability to trauma bonding:

• Inconsistent Caregiving: If your caregivers were sometimes loving and sometimes rejecting, critical, or unavailable, you learned that love is unpredictable and that you need to work hard to maintain it.
• Emotional Neglect: If your emotional needs were consistently ignored or minimized, you might have learned that your feelings don’t matter and that you should focus on others’ needs instead.
• Parentification: If you were expected to take care of a parent’s emotional needs or to be responsible for family problems, you might have learned that your value comes from being useful to others.
• Abuse: If you experienced physical, sexual, or emotional abuse, especially if it was followed by periods of kindness or remorse, you learned that love and harm can come from the same source.
• Abandonment: If you experienced abandonment (physical or emotional), you might have developed a deep fear of being left alone, making you willing to tolerate harmful behavior to avoid abandonment.
• Witnessing Domestic Violence: If you witnessed trauma bonding between your caregivers, you learned that this type of relationship dynamic is normal.

If you’re wondering about your own childhood experiences, you might find it helpful to read about wondering was your childhood really that bad or explore six reasons why you might struggle with the term childhood trauma.

The Nervous System Connection

Childhood trauma literally shapes your nervous system. If you grew up in an environment where you had to constantly scan for danger or try to predict a caregiver’s mood, your nervous system becomes wired for hypervigilance.

This means that in adult relationships, you might be constantly looking for signs of approval or rejection, trying to manage another person’s emotions, or feeling responsible for keeping the peace. These patterns make you more vulnerable to trauma bonding relationships.

The good news is that understanding these patterns is the first step toward healing. Your nervous system learned these responses to keep you safe, but now they might be keeping you stuck. With the right support and tools, you can learn new ways of being in relationship.

If you’re struggling with nervous system dysregulation, there are specific tools and techniques that can help you feel more grounded and secure.

Attachment Styles and Trauma Bonding

Your attachment style, which develops in early childhood based on your relationships with caregivers, plays a significant role in your vulnerability to trauma bonding.

• Anxious Attachment: If you have an anxious attachment style, you might be more likely to stay in harmful relationships because your fear of abandonment is stronger than your fear of being hurt.
• Avoidant Attachment: If you have an avoidant attachment style, you might be drawn to partners who are emotionally unavailable, recreating the familiar pattern of not getting your emotional needs met.
• Disorganized Attachment: If you have a disorganized attachment style (often resulting from childhood trauma), you might be particularly vulnerable to trauma bonding because your attachment system is already confused about whether relationships are safe or dangerous.

Understanding your attachment style can help you recognize your patterns and work toward developing more secure attachment. You might find it helpful to explore attachment styles and how they show up in leadership or read about attachment trauma.

Breaking the Cycle

If you experienced childhood trauma that makes you vulnerable to trauma bonding, it’s important to know that you can break these cycles. Many people successfully heal from childhood trauma and go on to have healthy, secure relationships.

This process often involves:

• Understanding how your childhood experiences shaped your beliefs about relationships
• Healing the underlying trauma through therapy
• Learning new relationship skills and patterns
• Developing a secure sense of self that doesn’t depend on others’ approval
• Learning to recognize and trust your own feelings and perceptions

If you’re interested in this healing work, you might find it helpful to read about childhood trauma adaptations or explore resources about developmental trauma.

Breaking Free from Trauma Bonds

Breaking free from trauma bonding is one of the most challenging things you can do, but it’s absolutely possible. It requires patience, support, and often professional help. Here’s what the process typically involves:

Step 1: Recognition and Awareness

The first step is recognizing that you’re in a trauma bonded relationship. This can be incredibly difficult because trauma bonding often feels like intense love or connection.

Some questions to ask yourself:

• Do I feel like I can’t live without this person, even though they hurt me?
• Do I make excuses for their behavior?
• Do I feel responsible for their emotions?
• Do I feel like I’m walking on eggshells?
• Do I keep hoping they’ll change back to how they were in the beginning?
• Do I feel guilty when I consider leaving?
• Do I minimize or rationalize their harmful behavior?
• Do I blame myself when they treat me poorly?

If you answered yes to several of these questions, you might be experiencing trauma bonding.

It’s also important to recognize that trauma bonding can feel different for different people. Some people experience it as an intense, passionate connection, while others might feel more like they’re trapped or stuck. Some people are very aware that the relationship is harmful, while others might not recognize the harm until much later.

Step 2: Understanding Your Patterns

Once you recognize the trauma bond, it’s important to understand your specific patterns. This might involve exploring:

• Your Childhood Experiences: How did your early relationships shape your beliefs about love and connection? If you experienced childhood emotional neglect or other forms of relational trauma, these experiences might have made you more vulnerable to trauma bonding.
• Your Attachment Style: How do you typically behave in relationships? Do you tend to be anxious about abandonment, avoidant of intimacy, or confused about what you want from relationships?
• Your Nervous System Responses: What happens in your body when you’re in conflict with this person? Do you shut down, fight back, or try to please them? Understanding your nervous system responses can help you recognize when you’re being triggered.
• Your Triggers: What specific behaviors or situations tend to activate your trauma bonding patterns? Is it when they threaten to leave, when they’re angry, when they’re being particularly charming?
• The Specific Cycle: What does the trauma bonding cycle look like in your relationship? How long do the different phases last? What triggers the transitions between phases?

Working with a therapist who understands trauma can be incredibly helpful during this phase. They can help you see patterns that might be difficult to recognize on your own.

Step 3: Building Safety and Support

Breaking a trauma bond requires safety and support. This might involve:

• Reaching Out to Trusted People: Connect with friends or family members who can provide emotional support. If you’ve been isolated, this might feel scary at first, but it’s crucial for your healing.
• Joining a Support Group: Connecting with others who have experienced similar relationships can be incredibly validating and helpful. You might look for domestic violence support groups, codependency groups, or trauma recovery groups.
• Working with a Therapist: A trauma-informed therapist can provide professional support and help you navigate the complex process of breaking free from trauma bonding.
• Creating a Safety Plan: If you’re in an abusive relationship, it’s important to create a safety plan for leaving. This might involve identifying safe places to go, gathering important documents, and having a plan for how to leave safely.
• Building Emotional Regulation Skills: Learning emotional regulation tools can help you manage the intense emotions that come with breaking a trauma bond.
• Developing Coping Strategies: Having healthy coping tools and resilience tools can help you manage the stress and emotional upheaval of ending a trauma bonded relationship.

Step 4: Gradual Separation

Depending on your situation, separation from the trauma bonded relationship might need to happen gradually. This could involve:

• Setting and Maintaining Boundaries: Start by setting small boundaries and gradually work up to larger ones. This might involve saying no to certain requests, limiting contact, or refusing to engage in certain conversations.
• Reducing Contact When Possible: If you can’t cut off contact completely (for example, if you have children together or work together), try to reduce contact as much as possible.
• Creating Physical Distance: If possible, create physical distance by moving, changing jobs, or otherwise limiting your physical proximity to this person.
• Building a Life Outside of the Relationship: Start investing in relationships, activities, and interests that don’t involve this person. This can help you remember who you are outside of this relationship.
• Documenting the Abuse: If you’re in an abusive relationship, it can be helpful to keep a record of incidents. This can help you remember the reality of the situation when you’re tempted to minimize it, and it can be useful if you need legal protection.

It’s important to note that if you’re in an abusive relationship, leaving can be the most dangerous time. Please reach out to domestic violence resources for support in creating a safe exit plan. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) can provide guidance and support.

Step 5: Healing and Recovery

Healing from trauma bonding is an ongoing process that involves:

• Processing the Grief: Even though the relationship was harmful, leaving it often involves grief. You might grieve the person you thought they were, the relationship you hoped it could become, the time you invested, or the dreams you had together. This grief is normal and important to process.
• Healing Underlying Trauma: If childhood trauma made you vulnerable to trauma bonding, it’s important to address these underlying issues. This might involve working with a trauma-informed therapist to process past experiences and heal old wounds.
• Learning New Relationship Skills: If you’ve been in trauma bonded relationships, you might need to learn what healthy relationships look like. This involves learning to set boundaries, communicate effectively, recognize red flags, and trust gradually and appropriately.
• Rebuilding Your Sense of Self: Trauma bonding often involves losing yourself in the other person. Recovery involves reconnecting with who you are, what you value, what you enjoy, and what you want from life.
• Developing Healthy Coping Mechanisms: Learning healthy ways to manage stress, emotions, and difficult situations is crucial for preventing future trauma bonding relationships.

This process takes time, and it’s normal to have setbacks. You might find yourself missing the person, questioning your decision to leave, or even returning to the relationship temporarily. This doesn’t mean you’re weak or that you’ll never be free – it’s part of the process.

Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you heal. Consider working with a therapist who understands trauma bonding, and remember that healing is possible.

If you’re struggling with the healing process, you might find it helpful to read about when stillness feels like falling or explore resources about 4 helpful tools when fear triggers your trauma.

Therapeutic Approaches for Trauma Bonding

Several therapeutic approaches can be particularly helpful for healing from trauma bonding. The key is finding a therapist who understands trauma and the complex dynamics of abusive relationships.

Trauma-Informed Therapy

Working with a therapist who understands trauma is crucial. Trauma-informed therapists understand that:

• Trauma affects the whole person – mind, body, and spirit
• Healing happens in relationship with others
• Safety is the foundation of all healing work
• You are the expert on your own experience
• Healing is possible, even from severe trauma

A trauma-informed therapist won’t judge you for staying in or returning to a harmful relationship. They understand that leaving abusive relationships is complex and dangerous, and they’ll work at your pace rather than pushing you to make changes before you’re ready.

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

EMDR therapy can be particularly helpful for processing traumatic memories and reducing their emotional charge. EMDR helps your brain process traumatic experiences so they become integrated memories rather than triggers that activate your trauma response.

EMDR can be helpful for:

• Processing specific traumatic incidents from the relationship
• Addressing childhood trauma that made you vulnerable to trauma bonding
• Reducing the emotional intensity of memories
• Helping you develop new, healthier beliefs about yourself and relationships

Somatic Therapies

Since trauma bonding affects your nervous system, body-based therapies can be very helpful. These might include:

Somatic Experiencing: This approach helps you learn to regulate your nervous system and release trauma that’s stored in your body.

Sensorimotor Psychotherapy: This therapy integrates talk therapy with body awareness to help you heal trauma.

Trauma-Sensitive Yoga: This practice can help you reconnect with your body in a safe, gentle way.

These approaches can be particularly helpful if you experience physical symptoms related to trauma or if you feel disconnected from your body.

Attachment-Based Therapy

This approach focuses on healing attachment wounds and learning new ways of relating to others. Attachment-based therapy can help you:

• Understand how your early relationships shaped your attachment style
• Develop more secure attachment patterns
• Learn to trust gradually and appropriately
• Develop a secure sense of self that doesn’t depend on others’ approval

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

CBT can help you identify and change thought patterns that keep you stuck in trauma bonded relationships. This might involve:

• Recognizing cognitive distortions (like minimizing abuse or blaming yourself)
• Developing more balanced, realistic thoughts about the relationship
• Learning problem-solving skills
• Developing coping strategies for difficult emotions

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)

DBT can be particularly helpful if you struggle with intense emotions or self-destructive behaviors. DBT teaches skills in four key areas:

• Mindfulness (staying present and aware)
• Distress tolerance (managing crisis situations without making them worse)
• Emotion regulation (understanding and managing emotions)
• Interpersonal effectiveness (communicating needs and setting boundaries)

Internal Family Systems (IFS)

IFS can help you understand different parts of yourself and heal internal conflicts that might make you vulnerable to trauma bonding. For example, you might have a part that desperately wants love and connection and another part that knows the relationship is harmful. IFS can help these parts work together rather than against each other.

Group Therapy

Group therapy can be incredibly powerful for healing from trauma bonding because it provides:

• Connection with others who have similar experiences
• Validation that you’re not alone or crazy
• Opportunities to practice new relationship skills in a safe environment
• Different perspectives on your situation
• Support and encouragement from peers

If you’re considering therapy, you might find it helpful to read about what to expect from your first therapy session or how to find a therapist who gets it.

You might also want to explore 10 important things to know when considering therapy to help you prepare for the therapeutic process.

Rebuilding After Trauma Bonding

Recovery from trauma bonding isn’t just about leaving the harmful relationship – it’s about rebuilding your life and learning new ways of relating to others. Here’s what this process might look like:

Reconnecting with Yourself

Trauma bonding often involves losing yourself in the other person. Recovery involves reconnecting with who you are outside of that relationship.

This might involve:

• Rediscovering Your Interests and Hobbies: What did you enjoy before this relationship? What activities made you feel alive and engaged? Start slowly reconnecting with these interests, or explore new ones that appeal to you.
• Reconnecting with Your Values and Beliefs: Trauma bonded relationships often involve compromising your values to keep the peace. Take time to reflect on what’s truly important to you and how you want to live your life.
• Learning to Trust Your Own Perceptions and Feelings: Trauma bonding often involves gaslighting or other forms of manipulation that make you doubt your own reality. Practice trusting your gut feelings and perceptions.
• Developing a Sense of Identity: Who are you when you’re not trying to please someone else or manage their emotions? This process of self-discovery can be both exciting and scary.
• Setting Personal Goals: What do you want to achieve in your life? What dreams did you put on hold during the trauma bonded relationship? Start setting goals that are meaningful to you.

If you’re struggling with this process, you might find it helpful to read about outgrowing your origins or explore resources about developing a stronger sense of self.

Rebuilding Your Support Network

Trauma bonded relationships often involve isolation from friends and family. Part of recovery involves rebuilding these connections.

This might be challenging if relationships were damaged during the trauma bonded relationship. Some people might be hurt that you cut them off or didn’t listen to their concerns. Others might be wary of getting close again if you’ve returned to harmful relationships in the past.

• Be Patient with Yourself and Others: Rebuilding trust takes time. Don’t expect relationships to immediately return to how they were before.
• Take Responsibility Where Appropriate: If you hurt people during your trauma bonded relationship, be willing to acknowledge this and make amends where possible.
• Start Small: You don’t have to rebuild all your relationships at once. Start with one or two people who feel safest and most supportive.
• Be Selective: Not all relationships are worth rebuilding. Some people might not be healthy for you to have in your life, especially during early recovery.
• Make New Connections: Consider joining support groups, taking classes, or engaging in activities where you can meet new people who don’t have history with your trauma bonded relationship.

Learning Healthy Relationship Skills

If you’ve been in trauma bonded relationships, you might need to learn what healthy relationships look like. This involves:

• Learning to Set and Maintain Boundaries: Boundaries are limits you set to protect your physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing. In healthy relationships, boundaries are respected. Practice setting small boundaries and gradually work up to larger ones.
• Developing Communication Skills: Learn to express your needs, feelings, and concerns directly and respectfully. Practice active listening and conflict resolution skills.
• Learning to Recognize Red Flags Early: Develop awareness of early warning signs of potentially harmful relationships, such as love bombing, controlling behavior, or disrespect for boundaries.
• Understanding the Difference Between Healthy Conflict and Abuse: All relationships have conflict, but healthy conflict involves respect, compromise, and resolution. Learn to recognize when conflict crosses the line into abuse.
• Learning to Trust Gradually and Appropriately: Trust should be earned over time through consistent, respectful behavior. Don’t rush into trusting someone completely, but also don’t let past experiences prevent you from ever trusting again.
• Developing Interdependence Rather Than Codependence: Healthy relationships involve two independent people choosing to share their lives together, not two people who can’t function without each other.

Developing Emotional Regulation Skills

Trauma bonding often involves intense emotional highs and lows. Learning to regulate your emotions is crucial for building healthy relationships.

This might involve learning:

• Mindfulness Skills: Practice staying present and aware of your emotions without being overwhelmed by them.
• Grounding Techniques: Learn ways to calm your nervous system when you’re feeling overwhelmed or triggered.
• Self-Soothing Skills: Develop healthy ways to comfort yourself when you’re distressed, rather than relying on others to regulate your emotions.
• Distress Tolerance: Learn to tolerate difficult emotions without acting impulsively or destructively.

You might find it helpful to explore specific emotional regulation tools or coping tools that can support your healing.

Processing Grief and Loss

Even though the trauma bonded relationship was harmful, leaving it often involves grief. You might grieve:

• The Person You Thought They Were: During the good times, you got glimpses of who this person could be. It’s normal to grieve the loss of that potential.
• The Relationship You Hoped It Could Become: You might have invested a lot of hope and energy into the possibility that the relationship could change and become healthy.
• The Time You Invested: You might feel like you “wasted” months or years of your life in this relationship.
• The Dreams and Plans You Had Together: You might have made plans for the future that now won’t happen.
• Your Sense of Safety in Relationships: The trauma bonding might have shattered your belief that relationships can be safe and trustworthy.

This grief is normal and important to process. Allow yourself to feel it without judgment. Consider working with a therapist to help you navigate these complex emotions.

Rebuilding Your Relationship with Your Body

Trauma bonding often involves disconnection from your body. You might have learned to ignore physical sensations, needs, or boundaries. Part of recovery involves reconnecting with your body in healthy ways.

This might involve:

• Learning to recognize and respond to physical needs (hunger, thirst, fatigue, etc.)
• Engaging in gentle physical activities that feel good
• Practicing body-based mindfulness or meditation
• Working with somatic therapies to heal trauma stored in the body
• Learning to trust your gut feelings and physical intuition

If you’re struggling with body disconnection, you might find it helpful to read about when stillness feels like falling or explore resources about somatic healing.

Preventing Future Trauma Bonds

Once you’ve healed from trauma bonding, you’ll want to protect yourself from falling into similar patterns in the future. Here are some strategies:

Know Your Red Flags

Learn to recognize the early warning signs of potentially harmful relationships:

• Love Bombing: Excessive attention, gifts, and affection early in the relationship. While it might feel wonderful, healthy relationships develop gradually over time.
• Pushing for Commitment Quickly: Be wary of someone who wants to move very fast, talks about the future after only a few dates, or pressures you to commit before you really know them.
• Attempts to Isolate You: Be concerned if someone discourages your friendships, criticizes your family, or tries to monopolize your time.
• Controlling Behavior: This might start small (wanting to know where you are all the time) and escalate to larger control (telling you what to wear, who to see, what to do).
• Disrespect for Your Boundaries: Pay attention to how someone responds when you say no or set a limit. Healthy people respect boundaries.
• Inconsistent Behavior or Mood Swings: While everyone has bad days, be concerned about extreme mood swings or unpredictable behavior.
• Making You Feel Like You’re “Walking on Eggshells”: If you find yourself constantly monitoring your behavior to avoid triggering their anger, this is a red flag.
• Excessive Jealousy or Possessiveness: Some jealousy is normal, but excessive jealousy or possessiveness is a warning sign.
• Criticism Disguised as “Help”: Be wary of someone who constantly criticizes you but claims they’re just trying to help you improve.

Trust Your Gut

If something feels off in a relationship, trust that feeling. Your intuition is often picking up on subtle cues that your conscious mind might miss.

This can be challenging if you’ve been in trauma bonded relationships, because your intuition might have been damaged by gaslighting or other manipulation. But with practice and healing, you can learn to trust your gut again.

Some questions to ask yourself:

• Do I feel safe and comfortable with this person?
• Can I be myself around them?
• Do they respect my boundaries and opinions?
• Do I feel like I’m walking on eggshells?
• Am I making excuses for their behavior?
• Do my friends and family have concerns about this person?

Take Relationships Slowly

Healthy relationships develop gradually over time. Be wary of relationships that feel intense or move very quickly.

This might mean:

• Taking time to really get to know someone before committing
• Maintaining your own life and interests even as you develop a new relationship
• Introducing them to your friends and family and paying attention to their reactions
• Observing how they behave in different situations and with different people
• Waiting to see if their behavior is consistent over time

Maintain Your Independence

Keep your own interests, friendships, and identity even as you develop new relationships. Healthy partners will support your independence, not try to diminish it.

This involves:

• Continuing to pursue your own goals and interests
• Maintaining friendships and family relationships
• Having your own financial independence when possible
• Making decisions based on your own values and preferences
• Not losing yourself in the relationship

Continue Your Healing Work

Ongoing therapy, support groups, or other healing work can help you stay aware of your patterns and continue growing.

This might involve:

• Regular check-ins with a therapist
• Participating in support groups
• Reading books about healthy relationships
• Practicing mindfulness or other self-awareness techniques
• Continuing to work on healing childhood trauma or other underlying issues

Learn About Healthy Relationships

If you didn’t have good models of healthy relationships growing up, you might need to actively learn what they look like. Read books, take classes, or work with a therapist to understand healthy relationship dynamics.

Some characteristics of healthy relationships include:

• Mutual respect and trust
• Good communication and conflict resolution skills
• Support for each other’s growth and independence
• Shared values and goals
• Physical and emotional safety
• Balance of give and take
• Ability to maintain individual identity within the relationship

You might find it helpful to explore resources about attachment styles or read about how professional strengths can become relationship blindspots.

Build a Strong Support Network

Having strong relationships with friends, family, or support group members can help protect you from future trauma bonding. These people can:

• Provide perspective when you’re unsure about a new relationship
• Offer support during difficult times
• Help you recognize red flags you might miss
• Remind you of your worth and value
• Provide accountability for your healing goals

Practice Self-Care and Self-Compassion

Taking care of your physical, emotional, and mental health makes you less vulnerable to trauma bonding. This includes:

• Getting adequate sleep, nutrition, and exercise
• Managing stress in healthy ways
• Practicing self-compassion when you make mistakes
• Setting and maintaining boundaries
• Engaging in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment

Remember, preventing future trauma bonds isn’t about becoming paranoid or never trusting anyone. It’s about developing the skills and awareness to recognize healthy relationships and protect yourself from harmful ones.

Supporting Someone in a Trauma Bonded Relationship

If someone you care about is in a trauma bonded relationship, it can be incredibly frustrating and heartbreaking to watch. Here are some ways to support them:

Don’t Judge or Criticize

Avoid saying things like “Why don’t you just leave?” or “I don’t understand why you keep going back.” These statements, while well-intentioned, can increase shame and isolation.

Instead, try saying things like:

• “I’m here for you no matter what”
• “I care about you and I’m worried”
• “You don’t deserve to be treated this way”
• “I believe you”
• “This isn’t your fault”

Listen Without Trying to Fix

Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is simply listen and validate their experience. Let them know that you care about them and that you’re there for them.

Avoid giving advice unless they specifically ask for it. Instead, focus on:

• Listening without judgment
• Validating their feelings
• Asking open-ended questions
• Reflecting back what you hear them saying
• Expressing your care and concern

Educate Yourself

Learn about trauma bonding so you can better understand what they’re going through. This can help you be more patient and supportive.

Some things to understand:

• Trauma bonding is a real psychological phenomenon, not a choice
• Leaving abusive relationships is complex and dangerous
• It often takes multiple attempts before someone successfully leaves
• The person is not weak or stupid for staying
• Healing takes time and professional support

Maintain the Relationship

Don’t cut off contact because you’re frustrated with their choices. They need to know that you’ll be there when they’re ready to leave.

This might mean:

• Continuing to invite them to social activities (even if they often decline)
• Checking in regularly without being pushy
• Avoiding ultimatums or threats to end the friendship
• Being patient when they cancel plans or seem distant
• Remembering that their behavior might be influenced by their abuser’s control

Offer Practical Support

When they’re ready, offer practical support like helping them find resources, providing a safe place to stay, or helping them create a safety plan.

This might include:

• Researching therapists or support groups
• Helping them gather important documents
• Providing a safe place to store belongings
• Offering financial support if you’re able and it’s appropriate
• Helping them research legal options
• Accompanying them to appointments or court dates

Know the Warning Signs of Escalation

Be aware of signs that the abuse might be escalating, such as:

• Increased isolation
• New injuries or explanations for injuries
• Increased fear or anxiety
• Talk of suicide or self-harm
• The abuser making threats
• Major life changes (pregnancy, marriage, moving)

If you’re concerned about immediate safety, don’t hesitate to call 911 or encourage them to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233).

Take Care of Yourself

Supporting someone in a trauma bonded relationship can be emotionally draining. Make sure you’re taking care of your own mental health and seeking support when you need it.

This might involve:

• Setting boundaries about what you can and can’t do
• Seeking your own therapy or support
• Taking breaks when you need them
• Practicing self-care activities
• Connecting with others who understand what you’re going through

Know When to Seek Professional Help

If you’re concerned about someone’s immediate safety, don’t hesitate to reach out to domestic violence resources or other professional help.

You might also encourage them to seek professional help, but remember that they need to make this decision for themselves. You can:

• Provide information about resources
• Offer to help them find a therapist
• Offer to accompany them to appointments
• Share articles or books about trauma bonding
• Connect them with support groups

Remember, you can’t save someone from a trauma bonded relationship – they have to make that choice for themselves. But your support and care can make a significant difference in their healing journey.

The Neuroscience of Healing

Understanding what happens in your brain during healing can be helpful and hopeful. When you’re in a trauma bonded relationship, certain neural pathways become very strong – like highways in your brain that are well-traveled and easy to access.

Healing involves creating new neural pathways – new ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving. At first, these new pathways are like small dirt roads compared to the trauma bonding highways. But with practice and repetition, these new pathways can become stronger while the old ones fade.

This is why healing takes time and why you might find yourself falling back into old patterns sometimes. Your brain is literally rewiring itself, and that’s a gradual process.

Neuroplasticity and Hope

The good news is that your brain remains plastic throughout your life, meaning it can continue to change and heal. Every time you choose a healthy response over an old trauma pattern, you’re strengthening those new neural pathways.

Some things that support neuroplasticity and healing include:

• Regular therapy or counseling
• Mindfulness and meditation practices
• Physical exercise
• Creative activities
• Healthy relationships
• Adequate sleep and nutrition
• Learning new skills
• Challenging yourself in healthy ways

The Role of Safety in Healing

Your brain can only create new pathways when it feels safe. This is why creating safety – both external and internal – is so crucial for healing from trauma bonding.

External safety might involve:

• Ending the abusive relationship
• Creating physical distance from the abuser
• Building a support network
• Working with a therapist
• Having a safety plan

Internal safety involves:

• Learning to regulate your nervous system
• Developing self-compassion
• Challenging negative self-talk
• Building a secure sense of self
• Learning to trust your own perceptions

The Importance of Repetition

Healing requires repetition. Just like learning to play an instrument or speak a new language, developing new relationship patterns requires practice.

This means:

• Practicing new behaviors even when they feel uncomfortable
• Repeating positive affirmations until you believe them
• Consistently choosing healthy responses over trauma patterns
• Regularly engaging in healing activities
• Being patient with the process

If you’re interested in learning more about how trauma affects the brain and nervous system, you might find it helpful to read about when stillness feels like falling or explore other resources about trauma and neuroscience.

Cultural and Social Factors

It’s important to acknowledge that trauma bonding doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Cultural and social factors can make some people more vulnerable to these dynamics and can also make it harder to leave.

Gender and Trauma Bonding

Women are disproportionately affected by certain types of trauma bonding, particularly in intimate partner relationships. This is partly due to socialization that teaches women to prioritize others’ needs over their own and to view their worth through relationships.

Cultural messages that contribute to women’s vulnerability include:

• “Love conquers all”
• “Stand by your man”
• “Good women don’t give up on relationships”
• “You can change him with enough love”
• “Your value comes from being in a relationship”

However, men can also experience trauma bonding, and they may face additional barriers to seeking help due to stigma around male victimization. Cultural messages that affect men include:

• “Real men don’t get abused”
• “Men should be able to handle their own problems”
• “Asking for help is weak”
• “Men are always the aggressors, never the victims”

Cultural Factors

Some cultures have norms that can make it harder to recognize or leave trauma bonded relationships:

Family Loyalty: Cultures that prioritize family loyalty above individual wellbeing might make it harder to leave abusive family relationships or to seek help that might “shame” the family.

Religious Beliefs: Some religious interpretations discourage divorce or separation, even in abusive situations. Religious trauma bonding can occur when spiritual leaders use intermittent kindness and punishment to control followers.

Honor and Shame: Cultures that emphasize honor and shame might make it harder to admit to being in an abusive relationship or to seek help.

Gender Roles: Rigid gender roles can make it harder to recognize abuse (if it doesn’t fit traditional patterns) or to leave (if it means violating cultural expectations).

Socioeconomic Factors

Financial dependence can make it much harder to leave trauma bonded relationships. This is why economic empowerment is often a crucial part of healing and recovery.

Factors that can create financial dependence include:

• Lack of education or job skills
• Immigration status that limits work options
• Disability that affects earning capacity
• Childcare responsibilities that limit work options
• Abuser’s control over finances
• Lack of access to resources or support

LGBTQ+ Considerations

LGBTQ+ individuals may face additional challenges in recognizing and leaving trauma bonded relationships, including:

• Fewer Resources: There may be fewer domestic violence resources specifically designed for LGBTQ+ individuals.
• Fear of Discrimination: They might fear discrimination when seeking help from mainstream resources.
• Internalized Shame: Internalized homophobia, transphobia, or other forms of shame can make them more vulnerable to abuse.
• Isolation: They might be isolated from family and community, making them more dependent on the abusive relationship.
• Unique Forms of Abuse: They might experience forms of abuse that are specific to their identity (like threats to “out” them).

Intersectionality

It’s important to recognize that people often face multiple forms of oppression simultaneously. For example, a woman of color might face racism, sexism, and classism all at once, which can compound her vulnerability to trauma bonding and create additional barriers to leaving.

Understanding these factors can help reduce self-blame and shame. If you’re struggling to leave a trauma bonded relationship, it’s not because you’re weak or flawed – there may be very real barriers that make leaving difficult.

It’s also important for supporters and professionals to understand these factors so they can provide more effective, culturally sensitive help.

Building Healthy Relationships After Trauma Bonding

One of the most common fears people have after experiencing trauma bonding is whether they’ll ever be able to have healthy relationships. The answer is absolutely yes, but it often requires intentional work and patience.

What Healthy Relationships Feel Like

If you’ve been in trauma bonded relationships, healthy relationships might feel strange at first. They might even feel “boring” compared to the intensity you’re used to. Here’s what healthy relationships typically include:

• Consistency: The person is reliably kind and respectful. You don’t have to guess what mood they’ll be in or walk on eggshells around them.
• Safety: You feel emotionally and physically safe. You can express your thoughts, feelings, and needs without fear of retaliation or abandonment.
• Respect: Your boundaries and autonomy are respected. They don’t try to control or change you.
• Support: They encourage your growth and independence. They want you to succeed and be happy, even if it doesn’t directly benefit them.
• Communication: You can discuss problems openly and work together to find solutions. Conflict is handled respectfully and leads to resolution.
• Trust: You can rely on them to follow through on commitments and to be honest with you. Trust is built gradually through consistent behavior.
• Balance: There’s mutual give and take. Both people contribute to the relationship’s wellbeing.
• Individual Identity: You maintain your own identity, interests, and relationships. The relationship enhances your life rather than consuming it.

Adjusting to Healthy Relationships

If you’re used to trauma bonding, healthy relationships might feel:

• Less Intense: Without the dramatic highs and lows, healthy relationships might feel less exciting at first. This is normal and doesn’t mean the relationship is wrong for you.
• More Predictable: The consistency of healthy relationships might feel boring if you’re used to chaos. Your nervous system needs time to adjust to stability.
• Safer but Scarier: While healthy relationships are safer, they might feel scary because vulnerability without drama can feel unfamiliar.
• Less Urgent: Healthy relationships develop gradually, which might feel slow if you’re used to intense, fast-moving relationships.

Remember, these feelings are temporary. As your nervous system heals and adjusts, you’ll likely come to appreciate the peace and stability of healthy relationships.

Red Flags to Watch For

As you start dating again, be aware of these early warning signs:

• Love Bombing: Excessive attention and gifts early on. While it might feel wonderful, healthy relationships develop gradually.
• Pushing for Commitment Quickly: Be wary of someone who wants to move very fast or talks about the future after only a few dates.
• Trying to Isolate You: Be concerned if they discourage your friendships, criticize your family, or try to monopolize your time.
• Disrespecting Your Boundaries: Pay attention to how they respond when you say no or set a limit. Healthy people respect boundaries.
• Extreme Jealousy or Possessiveness: Some jealousy is normal, but excessive jealousy or possessiveness is a warning sign.
• Controlling Behavior: This might start small (wanting to know where you are) and escalate to larger control (telling you what to wear or do).
• Making You Feel Like You’re “Walking on Eggshells”: If you find yourself constantly monitoring your behavior to avoid triggering their anger, this is a red flag.
• Inconsistent Behavior: While everyone has bad days, be concerned about extreme mood swings or unpredictable behavior.
• Criticism Disguised as “Help”: Be wary of someone who constantly criticizes you but claims they’re just trying to help you improve.

Taking It Slow

Healthy relationships develop gradually. Don’t rush into commitment or intimacy. Take time to really get to know someone and see how they behave in different situations.

This might mean:

• Dating for several months before becoming exclusive
• Waiting to introduce them to friends and family
• Taking time to see how they handle stress, conflict, and disappointment
• Observing how they treat other people (waiters, family members, etc.)
• Paying attention to whether their words match their actions over time

Maintaining Your Identity

In healthy relationships, you don’t lose yourself – you become more yourself. Keep your own interests, friendships, and goals even as you develop a new relationship.

This involves:

• Continuing to pursue your own interests and hobbies
• Maintaining friendships and family relationships
• Having your own goals and dreams
• Making decisions based on your own values
• Not changing yourself to please your partner

Communication Skills

Learning healthy communication skills is crucial. This includes:

• Expressing Your Needs and Feelings Clearly: Use “I” statements to express how you feel without blaming or attacking.
• Listening Actively: Really listen to what your partner is saying without planning your response or getting defensive.
• Resolving Conflicts Respectfully: Focus on the issue, not the person. Look for solutions rather than trying to win.
• Setting and Maintaining Boundaries: Be clear about your limits and stick to them consistently.
• Asking for What You Need: Don’t expect your partner to read your mind. Be direct about what you need and want.

If you’re working on building healthier relationships, you might find it helpful to explore resources about attachment styles or learn about professional strengths that can become relationship blindspots.

Building Trust Gradually

Trust should be earned over time through consistent, respectful behavior. Don’t rush into trusting someone completely, but also don’t let past experiences prevent you from ever trusting again.

Healthy trust building involves:

• Starting with small acts of trust and gradually increasing
• Paying attention to whether someone’s actions match their words
• Communicating openly about trust issues and concerns
• Being trustworthy yourself
• Recognizing that trust can be rebuilt if it’s broken (depending on the circumstances)

Dealing with Triggers

Even in healthy relationships, you might sometimes be triggered by past trauma. This is normal and doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed.

When you’re triggered:

• Take responsibility for your reaction without blaming your partner
• Communicate what’s happening (“I’m feeling triggered right now”)
• Use your coping skills to regulate your nervous system
• Talk about it later when you’re calmer
• Consider working with a therapist to process triggers

The Importance of Self-Love

Before you can have a truly healthy relationship with someone else, it’s important to develop a healthy relationship with yourself. This involves:

• Practicing self-compassion
• Setting boundaries with yourself and others
• Taking care of your physical and emotional needs
• Pursuing your own interests and goals
• Learning to enjoy your own company
• Developing a sense of worth that doesn’t depend on others’ approval

Remember, you deserve healthy, respectful relationships. Don’t settle for less because you’re afraid you won’t find better. With healing and patience, healthy love is possible.

Self-Care During Recovery

Recovering from trauma bonding is emotionally and physically demanding. Taking care of yourself during this process is crucial, not selfish.

Physical Self-Care

• Get Adequate Sleep: Trauma recovery requires rest. Your brain processes and integrates experiences during sleep, so prioritize getting 7-9 hours of quality sleep each night.
• Eat Nourishing Foods Regularly: Trauma can affect your appetite and eating patterns. Try to eat regular, nutritious meals even when you don’t feel like it.
• Exercise in Ways That Feel Good: Physical activity can help regulate your nervous system and process trauma. Choose activities that feel good to your body rather than punishing yourself with exercise.
• Limit Alcohol and Other Substances: While it might be tempting to numb the pain with substances, they can interfere with healing and make trauma symptoms worse.
• Get Medical Care: Trauma can affect your physical health. Don’t neglect medical appointments or symptoms that need attention.
• Practice Good Hygiene: When you’re depressed or overwhelmed, basic self-care like showering and brushing your teeth can feel difficult, but maintaining these habits can help you feel better.

Emotional Self-Care

• Allow Yourself to Feel Your Emotions: Don’t try to suppress or avoid difficult emotions. They’re part of the healing process.
• Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness you would show a good friend. Avoid harsh self-criticism.
• Engage in Activities That Bring You Joy: Make time for things that make you happy, even if they seem small or silly.
• Express Yourself Creatively: Art, writing, music, or other creative outlets can help you process emotions and experiences.
• Spend Time in Nature: Being outdoors can be calming and grounding for your nervous system.
• Practice Gratitude: While it might feel forced at first, regularly acknowledging things you’re grateful for can help shift your perspective.

Mental Self-Care

• Limit Exposure to Triggering Content: Be mindful of what you watch, read, or listen to. Avoid content that might be triggering or retraumatizing.
• Practice Mindfulness or Meditation: These practices can help you stay present and manage overwhelming emotions.
• Read Books That Support Your Healing: There are many excellent books about trauma recovery, healthy relationships, and personal growth.
• Learn New Skills or Hobbies: Engaging your mind in learning can be therapeutic and help rebuild your sense of self.
• Challenge Negative Self-Talk: Notice when you’re being self-critical and practice replacing negative thoughts with more balanced ones.
• Set Realistic Goals: Break larger goals into smaller, manageable steps. Celebrate small victories along the way.

Social Self-Care

• Spend Time with Supportive People: Surround yourself with people who care about you and support your healing.
• Join Support Groups: Connecting with others who have similar experiences can be incredibly validating and helpful.
• Set Boundaries with Unsupportive People: You don’t have to spend time with people who are critical, judgmental, or unsupportive of your healing.
• Ask for Help When You Need It: Don’t try to do everything alone. Reach out for support when you need it.
• Practice Saying No: It’s okay to decline invitations or requests when you need time for yourself.
• Communicate Your Needs: Let people know what kind of support you need and what isn’t helpful.

Spiritual Self-Care

• Engage in Practices That Connect You to Something Larger: This might be traditional religion, nature spirituality, meditation, or any practice that gives you a sense of connection and meaning.
• Spend Time in Nature: Many people find spiritual connection through time outdoors.
• Practice Gratitude: Acknowledging the good things in your life, even small ones, can help you feel more connected and hopeful.
• Explore Your Values and Beliefs: Trauma bonding might have caused you to compromise your values. Take time to reconnect with what’s truly important to you.
• Find Meaning in Your Experiences: While trauma is never okay, many people find that their healing journey gives them a sense of purpose or helps them help others.
• Practice Forgiveness: This doesn’t mean excusing harmful behavior, but rather releasing the burden of anger and resentment for your own wellbeing.

Creating a Self-Care Plan

Consider creating a written self-care plan that includes:

• Daily self-care activities (like meditation or journaling)
• Weekly self-care activities (like time with friends or a hobby)
• Monthly self-care activities (like a massage or a day trip)
• Emergency self-care strategies for particularly difficult days
• A list of people you can call for support
• Professional resources (therapist, doctor, etc.)

Remember, self-care isn’t just bubble baths and face masks (though those can be nice too). It’s about making choices that support your overall wellbeing and recovery.

You might find it helpful to explore specific emotional regulation tools, coping tools, or resilience tools that can support your healing journey.

If you’re struggling with feeling dysregulated, there are specific techniques that can help you feel more grounded and stable.

When to Seek Professional Help

While some people can heal from trauma bonding on their own, professional help is often beneficial and sometimes necessary. Consider seeking help if:

Immediate Safety Concerns

• You’re having thoughts of suicide or self-harm
• You’re in immediate physical danger
• You’re experiencing severe depression or anxiety that interferes with daily functioning
• You’re using substances to cope and it’s becoming a problem

If you’re in immediate danger, call 911. If you’re having thoughts of suicide, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.

Ongoing Struggles

• You keep returning to the trauma bonded relationship despite wanting to leave
• You’re having difficulty functioning in daily life (work, school, parenting, etc.)
• You’re experiencing physical symptoms related to stress and trauma
• You feel stuck and unable to move forward in your healing
• You’re struggling with severe anxiety, depression, or PTSD symptoms
• You’re having difficulty sleeping, eating, or concentrating
• You’re experiencing flashbacks, nightmares, or intrusive thoughts
• You’re having difficulty trusting your own perceptions or making decisions

Relationship Difficulties

• You’re having trouble forming or maintaining healthy relationships
• You keep finding yourself in similar unhealthy relationship patterns
• You’re struggling with intimacy, trust, or communication
• You’re having difficulty setting or maintaining boundaries
• You’re experiencing sexual difficulties related to trauma

Family and Parenting Concerns

• You’re worried about how your trauma bonding is affecting your children
• You’re struggling with parenting decisions related to the abusive relationship
• You need help navigating custody or legal issues
• You’re concerned about breaking cycles of trauma in your family

Types of Professional Help

• Individual Therapy: Working one-on-one with a therapist who understands trauma and abusive relationships.
• Group Therapy: Connecting with others who have similar experiences in a therapeutic setting.
• Support Groups: Peer-led groups for people recovering from abusive relationships (like domestic violence support groups or Al-Anon).
• Psychiatric Care: If you need medication for depression, anxiety, PTSD, or other mental health conditions.
• Medical Care: For physical symptoms related to trauma and stress.
• Legal Assistance: If you need help with restraining orders, custody issues, or other legal matters.
• Financial Counseling: If you need help becoming financially independent or managing money after leaving an abusive relationship.

Finding the Right Therapist

Not all therapists understand trauma bonding or the complexities of abusive relationships. Look for someone who:

• Has Experience with Trauma: Look for therapists who specialize in trauma, PTSD, or domestic violence.
• Uses Trauma-Informed Approaches: They should understand how trauma affects the brain and body and use approaches that don’t retraumatize you.
• Doesn’t Judge or Blame: They should never blame you for staying in or returning to an abusive relationship.
• Understands the Complexity of Leaving: They should know that leaving abusive relationships is dangerous and complex, not a simple choice.
• Makes You Feel Safe and Understood: You should feel comfortable and safe with your therapist.
• Respects Your Pace: They should work at your pace rather than pushing you to make changes before you’re ready.
• Has Cultural Competence: If you’re from a marginalized community, look for someone who understands the unique challenges you might face.

What to Expect from Therapy

Therapy for trauma bonding typically involves:

• Building Safety: The first priority is helping you feel safe, both physically and emotionally.
• Processing Trauma: Working through traumatic experiences and their effects on your life.
• Understanding Patterns: Exploring how your past experiences contribute to your vulnerability to trauma bonding.
• Developing Skills: Learning emotional regulation, communication, and relationship skills.
• Rebuilding Identity: Reconnecting with who you are outside of the trauma bonded relationship.
• Planning for the Future: Developing goals and strategies for creating the life you want.

Preparing for Your First Appointment

If you’re considering therapy, you might find it helpful to read about what to expect from your first therapy session or how to find a therapist who gets it.

You might also want to explore 10 important things to know when considering therapy to help you prepare for the therapeutic process.

Overcoming Barriers to Seeking Help

Common barriers to seeking help include:

• Shame: Remember that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Trauma bonding is not your fault.
• Fear: It’s normal to feel scared about starting therapy or leaving an abusive relationship. A good therapist will help you work through these fears.
• Financial Concerns: Many therapists offer sliding scale fees, and there are community mental health centers that provide low-cost services.
• Time Constraints: Your healing is worth prioritizing. Even one therapy session per month is better than none.
• Cultural Barriers: Look for therapists who understand your cultural background and values.
• Previous Bad Experiences: Not all therapists are the same. Don’t let one bad experience prevent you from finding help.

Remember, you deserve support and care as you heal. Don’t hesitate to reach out for professional help when you need it.

Resources and Support

If you’re dealing with trauma bonding, you don’t have to face it alone. Here are some resources that can help:

Crisis Resources

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788 Available 24/7 for anyone experiencing domestic violence, seeking resources or information, or questioning unhealthy aspects of their relationship.
• Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 Free, 24/7 support for people in crisis.
• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988 24/7 support for people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress.
• RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 24/7 support for survivors of sexual assault.
• National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) 24/7 support for children and adults concerned about child abuse.

Online Resources

• National Domestic Violence Hotline Website: thehotline.org Comprehensive information about domestic violence, safety planning, and resources.
• RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network): rainn.org Information and resources for survivors of sexual violence.
• National Center on Domestic Violence, Trauma & Mental Health: nationalcenterdvtraumamh.org Resources specifically focused on the intersection of domestic violence and mental health.
• Love Is Respect: loveisrespect.org Resources for young people about healthy relationships and dating abuse.

Books

• “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft An excellent resource for understanding the mindset and tactics of abusive partners.
• “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk A comprehensive look at how trauma affects the brain and body, and various approaches to healing.
• “Trauma Bonding: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships” by Patrick Carnes The foundational book on trauma bonding by the person who coined the term.
• “Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller A helpful guide to understanding attachment styles and how they affect relationships.
• “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brené Brown A guide to developing self-compassion and resilience.
• “Complex PTSD” by Pete Walker A comprehensive guide to understanding and healing from complex trauma.
• “It’s Not You, It’s What Happened to You” by Christine Langley-Obaugh A trauma-informed approach to understanding how past experiences affect current relationships.

Support Groups

• Al-Anon: al-anon.org For people affected by someone else’s drinking or drug use. Many people in trauma bonded relationships find these groups helpful even if addiction isn’t involved.
• Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA): coda.org For people struggling with codependent relationships and patterns.
• Domestic Violence Support Groups: Available through local domestic violence organizations. Contact your local domestic violence shelter or the National Domestic Violence Hotline for referrals.
• SMART Recovery: smartrecovery.org For people dealing with addictive behaviors, including relationship addiction.
• Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families: adultchildren.org For people who grew up in dysfunctional families and are dealing with the effects in adulthood.

Apps and Online Tools

• MyPlan App: myplanapp.org A safety planning app for people in abusive relationships.
• Insight Timer: Free meditation app with guided meditations for trauma and anxiety.
• PTSD Coach: A free app developed by the VA for managing PTSD symptoms.
• Headspace or Calm: Meditation and mindfulness apps that can help with emotional regulation.

Professional Organizations

• International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies (ISTSS): istss.org Professional organization for trauma specialists. Their website includes a therapist finder.
• EMDR International Association: emdria.org Professional organization for EMDR therapists. Includes a therapist finder.
• National Association of Social Workers: socialworkers.org Professional organization for social workers. Includes a therapist finder.
• American Psychological Association: apa.org Professional organization for psychologists. Includes a therapist finder.

Financial Resources

• National Endowment for Financial Education: nefe.org Free financial education resources.
• Women’s Business Centers: sba.gov/local-assistance/resource-partners/womens-business-centers Resources for women starting businesses or becoming financially independent.
• Local Community Action Agencies: Many communities have agencies that provide financial assistance, job training, and other support services.

Legal Resources

• Legal Aid Organizations: Most communities have legal aid organizations that provide free or low-cost legal services to people with limited income.
• Domestic Violence Legal Clinics: Many areas have specialized legal clinics for domestic violence survivors.
• State Bar Associations: Most state bar associations have lawyer referral services and may offer reduced-fee legal services.

Remember

• Reaching out for help is a sign of strength, not weakness
• You deserve support and care as you heal
• Recovery is possible, even from severe trauma bonding
• You are not alone in this experience
• Healing takes time, and that’s okay
• You are worthy of love and respect

If you’re in immediate danger, don’t hesitate to call 911. If you’re having thoughts of suicide, call 988 immediately.

Hope and Healing

If you’re reading this and recognizing yourself in these descriptions, I want you to know that healing is possible. I’ve seen countless clients break free from trauma bonding and go on to create healthy, fulfilling relationships.

The journey isn’t easy, and it’s not linear. There will be setbacks and difficult days. You might find yourself missing the person who hurt you, questioning your decision to leave, or even returning to the relationship temporarily. This doesn’t mean you’re weak or that you’ll never be free – it’s part of the process.

What Recovery Looks Like

Recovery from trauma bonding doesn’t mean you’ll never think about the person or relationship again. It means:

• You can think about them without being overwhelmed by emotion
• You can recognize the relationship for what it was – both the good and the bad
• You trust your own perceptions and feelings
• You can set and maintain healthy boundaries
• You can form secure, stable relationships
• You have a strong sense of your own worth and identity
• You can manage difficult emotions without relying on others to regulate you
• You can recognize red flags early in new relationships
• You feel empowered to make choices that are good for you

The Gifts of Healing

While I would never say that trauma bonding is a “gift” or that everything happens for a reason, many people find that their healing journey brings unexpected gifts:

• Deeper Self-Knowledge: Going through trauma bonding and recovery often leads to a deeper understanding of yourself, your patterns, and your needs.
• Stronger Boundaries: Many people develop much stronger boundary-setting skills through their healing process.
• Greater Empathy: Having experienced trauma bonding can make you more empathetic and understanding toward others who are struggling.
• Resilience: Surviving trauma bonding and choosing to heal demonstrates incredible strength and resilience.
• Authentic Relationships: Many people find that after healing, they’re able to form deeper, more authentic relationships than they ever had before.
• Purpose and Meaning: Some people find purpose in helping others who are going through similar experiences.
• Self-Compassion: The healing process often involves learning to treat yourself with kindness and compassion.

A Message of Hope

I want you to know:

Trauma bonding is not your fault. You didn’t choose to be manipulated or abused. You were responding to a very real psychological phenomenon that can happen to anyone.

You are not weak for staying or for struggling to leave. Trauma bonding creates powerful psychological and physiological bonds that are incredibly difficult to break. Your struggle to leave doesn’t reflect weakness – it reflects the strength of these bonds.

Your feelings and experiences are valid. Even if others don’t understand, even if the person who hurt you tries to convince you otherwise, your experiences are real and valid.

Healing is possible. No matter how long you were in the trauma bonded relationship, no matter how many times you’ve tried to leave, no matter how hopeless it feels right now – healing is possible.

You deserve healthy, respectful relationships. You are worthy of love that doesn’t hurt, relationships that feel safe, and partners who respect your boundaries and support your growth.

You are not alone. Millions of people have experienced trauma bonding, and many have successfully healed and moved on to create healthy relationships.

Your life can be different. The patterns that brought you into trauma bonding can be changed. You can learn new ways of relating, new ways of thinking about yourself, and new ways of being in the world.

Taking the First Step

If you’re ready to begin healing, the first step is often the hardest. It might be:

• Admitting to yourself that you’re in a trauma bonded relationship
• Reaching out to a friend or family member for support
• Calling a domestic violence hotline for information
• Making an appointment with a therapist
• Joining a support group
• Reading books about trauma bonding and recovery

Whatever your first step is, know that it takes courage to begin this journey. Be proud of yourself for taking that step, no matter how small it might seem.

A Final Thought

Recovery from trauma bonding is not about becoming someone new – it’s about becoming who you truly are underneath all the trauma and conditioning. It’s about peeling away the layers of hurt, fear, and false beliefs to reveal your authentic self.

That authentic self is worthy of love, respect, and care. That authentic self deserves relationships that feel safe and supportive. That authentic self has the strength to heal and create the life you want.

Take it one day at a time, be patient with yourself, and remember that every step toward healing is a victory, no matter how small it might seem.

If you’re struggling with trauma bonding, please consider reaching out for professional help. You don’t have to face this alone, and there are people who understand what you’re going through and want to help.

Your healing matters. Your life matters. And your future can be different from your past.

Remember, if you’re in immediate danger, call 911. If you need support or resources, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) is available 24/7.

You are stronger than you know, and healing is possible.

Resources for Immediate Help

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788
• Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988
• RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673

Remember, if you’re in immediate danger, call 911.

Medical Disclaimer