Definition: Object Constancy
Object constancy is the psychological capacity to hold a steady, balanced sense of someone’s whole self — including their strengths and flaws — even when they disappoint you or aren’t physically present. It’s not about ignoring or excusing hurtful behavior, nor is it an invitation to settle for less than you deserve. For high-achieving women, especially those shaped by relational trauma, disruptions in object constancy can make it feel impossible to see people clearly or to grieve what they can’t give, leaving you stuck in cycles of idealizing or rejecting others instead of finding grounded clarity.
Definition: Relational Trauma
Relational trauma refers to the emotional wounds that come from early experiences of unsafe, unpredictable, or neglectful relationships—usually with caregivers—where your basic need for safety and connection was compromised. It’s not about blaming your caregivers or saying those relationships were entirely harmful; it’s about understanding how those early experiences shape your nervous system and your expectations of others today. For ambitious women who pride themselves on strength and control, relational trauma often creates blindspots that make trusting and receiving love feel risky or confusing, even when you’re craving it most.
Stop going to the hardware store for milk means recognizing that the thing you deeply need simply isn’t available from the people you keep turning to, no matter how many times you ask or explain.
Quick Summary
- You keep going back to people — your parent, your partner, your sibling, or a friend — hoping they’ll finally give you the emotional support or understanding they consistently can’t provide, and it’s exhausting and heartbreaking.
- This pattern is what I mean when I say ‘stop going to the hardware store for milk’: recognizing that some sources simply don’t have what you need, no matter how many times you ask or how clearly you explain yourself.
- Healing begins when you start seeing people with object constancy — holding their whole, imperfect selves in mind — and begin noticing who truly can show up for you, so you can stop wasting your heart on those who can’t.
One of the hardest but best things we can do on our individual healing and personal growth journeys is to learn that, at some point, we really have to stop going to the hardware store for milk!
SUMMARY
Going to the hardware store for milk means seeking something from people or relationships that simply cannot give it — no matter how many times you return. For women shaped by relational trauma, recognizing this pattern is one of the most clarifying and painful steps in healing: seeing clearly what is and isn’t available, and grieving it.
Definition
Object Constancy: The psychological capacity to maintain a stable, balanced sense of someone — holding both their positive and negative qualities — even when they disappoint or are absent. Relational trauma often disrupts object constancy, making it harder to see people accurately or to grieve their limitations without either idealizing or rejecting them entirely.
To find out what this means and how really, truly learning this lesson this can help you, keep reading.
Stop going to the hardware store for milk!
I honestly can’t remember the first time I came across this saying. But it’s since turned into one of my very favorite sayings to share with my therapy clients.
“Stop going to the hardware store for milk” essentially means that at a certain point you have to realize that the thing you are trying to get from a particular source simply may not be possible and it would save you a world of frustration if you could only stop going to the wrong source for that thing you really need.
What this can look like in real life:
- Going to your parent again and again for emotional support. When you’re deeply hurting and having them disappointingly just not be able to emotionally show up for you.
- Repeatedly expecting your partner to give you specific, spot-on advice about something you’re wrestling with. And having them frustratingly not be able to help you in the exact way you hope they will.
- Trying to talk to your sibling about something again and again. In the hopes that they might be able to take personal responsibility for their part in the conflict you’re having and yet having them just. not. get. it.
- Turning towards a friend hoping and wishing they could finally, actually get you. And be a source of camaraderie and empathy despite their life being a complete opposite of yours.
Whatever the specifics are for you, I’m imagining there have been times and moments when you’ve repeatedly turned towards a loved one for something you’re deeply longing for and, no matter how hard you tried to explain what it is you need or how many times you ask for that thing, they just have not been able to provide it for you, right?
You have, essentially, been going to the hardware store for milk. When, quite frankly, that darn hardware store just doesn’t have any milk at all to give you.
And it’s probably been a very painful experience for you, hasn’t it? Of course it has.
So why do you keep doing it?
Why do you shop for milk at the hardware store?
The reasons you proverbially shop for milk at a hardware store are complex and unique to you. But somewhere at the root of it is likely hope. The expectation that a certain someone should be able to fulfill X, Y, and Z of your needs.
That “should” — that hope, that expectation — is where the pain and frustration can come from.
Look, of course it makes sense that you would want your parent to provide you with emotional support when you’re hurting. Or for your partner to be able to show up for you with the perfect advice you’re craving. Or for your sibling to take responsibility and be able to self-reflect in their relationship with you. And for your friend to get you and your life when you turn towards them for support.
All of those needs and wants are totally valid! It’s human nature to turn towards those we are close to for support and comfort. Especially when we’re hurting and longing to be seen and understood.
But sometimes the people in our lives truly can’t show up for us in the ways we want and expect them to. Through no fault of their own, they simply may not have the emotional and relational skills to do so. And yet we still shop for milk at the hardware store. Because it’s hard to see and accept that our loved ones are limited. They are just not capable of providing us that thing we dearly need and want.
But when we continue turning towards people who truly can’t give us what we need and want instead of seeking out others who are more capable of giving us the thing we crave, we add hurt and frustration on top of whatever hard or challenging feelings we’re already wrestling with. And that can be so, so painful.
So what can you do about this unsuccessful milk shopping?
The first step is, of course, to bring your awareness to the fact that you have, proverbially, been shopping for milk at the hardware store. Accept that you’ve been turning towards sources who simply can’t give you the thing you want and need.
And then you must grieve. You must grieve the thing you may not be able to receive from the source you believe “should” provide this for you and who you dearly want to provide this for you. You must mourn the limits of your loved ones and feel all the painful, possibly young feelings that come up for you when you realize you may never ever get X, Y, or Z from the very person you imagined and expected would be able to provide this for you.
(And yes, sweetheart, you *do* actually get to grieve this.)
And, at the same time you’re grieving and accepting the things you may never receive from some, you can begin practicing shopping for milk at more reliable sources. You know, like at grocery stores.
You can begin seeking out and cultivating sources who can actually show up for you in the ways you need and want (your grocery store people!). These folks may be other members of your family, they could be friends, they could be part of your spiritual community, it could be your women’s group, it could be your therapist.
Begin noticing who can show up for you.
Begin noticing who can show up for you in the ways you truly crave in those moments of need, and turn towards THEM. The act of having your needs and wants met by people who can actually show up for you can be deeply reparative and healing.
And, of course, even our grocery store people won’t be able to show up for us all the time in the ways we want, even if they have the capacities and skills to do so. Because, Life.
Life demands a lot of all of us and sometimes our loved ones (not to mention us!) simply don’t have the bandwidth to show up. And yet this – someone’s situational limitation – is different from someone who may not have the emotional or relational capacities to show up at all ever in the ways we want. Discerning between the two is important.
So seek out your grocery store people, know where you can actually get your milk when you want and need milk, and develop multiple sources you can turn to for milk when one store proverbially runs out.
In recognizing who can most likely show up for you in the ways you want and need and cultivating more of these resources in your life, you will greatly increase your odds of getting milk when you want and need it and, in doing so, provide yourself with reparative healing opportunities.
Wrapping up.
Now I’d love to hear from you:
What came up for you in reading this article? Do you sometimes go shopping for milk at the hardware store? Has learning to “shop for milk at the grocery store” been a healing and reparative experience in your own life?”
Leave a message in the comments below and I’ll be sure to respond.
Here’s to healing relational trauma and creating thriving lives on solid foundations.
Warmly,
Annie
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Frequently Asked Questions
What does ‘going to the hardware store for milk’ mean in therapy?
It’s a metaphor for seeking emotional support, validation, or connection from people who genuinely don’t have it to give — not because they’re withholding, but because it’s not in their emotional inventory. Recognizing this stops the cycle of returning to the same source expecting a different outcome.
Why do people with relational trauma keep seeking connection from unavailable people?
The unavailable person often mirrors an early attachment figure — a parent who was emotionally absent, inconsistent, or unable to attune. The nervous system equates that familiar dynamic with love. Healing means grieving what wasn’t available and gradually expanding toward people who actually are.
How do I stop trying to get emotional needs met by the wrong people?
First, recognize the pattern — including the hope and activation that keeps you returning. Then grieve what isn’t available. This is real grief, not drama. From that more honest place, you can begin directing your relational energy toward people whose actual capacity matches your actual needs.
What role does hope play in this pattern?
Hope is what keeps you returning to the hardware store. Often it’s hope that this time they’ll understand, this time they’ll come through, this time the relationship will be different. Therapeutic work helps you distinguish between realistic hope and the compulsive hope that perpetuates painful relational cycles.
Is it possible to change a relationship where the other person is emotionally limited?
Sometimes, yes — particularly if both people are willing to do work. But for many emotionally unavailable people, meaningful change requires their own sustained therapeutic effort. You cannot love someone into becoming able to give what they don’t have.
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post is for psychoeducational and informational purposes only and does not constitute therapy, clinical advice, or a therapist-client relationship. For full details, please read our Medical Disclaimer. If you are in crisis, please call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line).
You deserve a life that feels as good as it looks. Let’s work on that together.
References
- Klein, M. (1946). Notes on some schizoid mechanisms. International Journal of Psycho-Analysis.
- Schore, A. N. (2003). Affect Dysregulation and Disorders of the Self. Norton & Company.
- Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.
- Fosha, D. (2000). The Transforming Power of Affect: A Model for Accelerated Change. Basic Books.
- Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. Guilford Press.
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About the Author
Annie Wright, LMFT
Annie Wright, LMFT helps ambitious women finally feel as good as their resume looks.
As a licensed psychotherapist, trauma-informed executive coach, and relational trauma specialist with over 15,000 clinical hours, she guides ambitious women — including Silicon Valley leaders, physicians, and entrepreneurs — in repairing the psychological foundations beneath their impressive lives. Annie is the founder and former CEO of Evergreen Counseling, a multimillion-dollar trauma-informed therapy center she built, scaled, and successfully exited. A regular contributor to Psychology Today, her expert commentary has appeared in Forbes, Business Insider, Inc., NBC, and The Information. She is currently writing her first book with W.W. Norton.
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