She couldn’t figure out why she didn’t see herself in this reflection of the matte black. Something so different than the parade of cars she’s used to passing.
I was thinking about this little interaction – this weekend moment that seems so mundane – and thinking about how that matte black SUV, without its ability to accurately reflect back my daughter’s image in all her toddler glory, felt like such a perfect metaphor for the experience some children might have with a mother who is a Narcissist.
An inability to see themselves reflected back clearly, some distress at the lack and gap, confusion, a failed mirroring experience.
Growing up with a Narcissistic mother can be deeply impactful to the developing child and while popular culture (and, in truth, statistics) portray more men than women predisposed to this particular personality disorder, it’s important, I think, to illuminate that women can be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, too, and, if that woman is a mother, what the complexity of impacts on their child might be.
What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
“I have never known a patient to portray his parents more negatively than he actually experienced them in childhood but always more positively–because idealization of his parents was essential for his survival.” ― Alice Miller
First of all, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is different from narcissism as a trait.
Narcissism – interest and occupation with oneself – exists on a spectrum, from mild to moderate to severe.
Truthfully, we’re all a little narcissistic. We all possess this trait.
But there’s a difference between possessing the trait and having it be a normal and natural aspect of a multidimensional character versus someone who meets the full criteria of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as illustrated in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5th Edition (DSM) – the bedrock clinical textbook of my field.
According to the DSM, the clinical criteria of someone with NPD include:
“A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
- Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate accomplishments).
- Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
- Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
- Requires excessive admiration.
- Has a sense of entitlement (i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.
- Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends).
- Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
- Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
