The holidays can be triggering: 11 reminders, 15 scripts, and 8 supports.

Name: The holidays can be triggering: 11 reminders, 15 scripts, and 8 supports.
Creator: Annie Wright
Published: 2023-11-26T04:00:41+00:00

The holidays can be triggering: 11 reminders, 15 scripts, and 8 supports.

Tuck this digital permission slip away for now but come back to it any time when you feel triggered by what you imagine you “should” feel/do/experience during this time of the year.

What are 15 scripts you can use when holiday conversations become triggering?

Consider the following scripts if people question what you’re doing for the holidays and/or comment on your lack of plans/plans that don’t make sense to them and you don’t know what to say back.

“I appreciate your concern, but I’ve decided to spend the holidays focusing on self-care and personal well-being.”
“I’ve made a choice that feels right for me at this time. I hope you can respect that decision.”
“It’s a personal matter, and I’m taking some time for myself during the holidays.”
“I’m prioritizing my mental health this holiday season and have chosen to spend it in a way that supports that.”
“Thank you for your concern. I’m focusing on creating a positive and peaceful holiday experience for myself.”
“I’ve chosen to celebrate the holidays in a way that aligns with my current needs and priorities.”
“This year, I’ve decided to take a break and focus on activities that bring me joy and peace.”
“I appreciate your curiosity, but I’d rather not discuss my holiday plans. Let’s talk about something else.”
“It’s a personal decision, and I’m grateful for your understanding as I navigate this time on my own terms.”
“I’m choosing to spend the holidays in a way that brings me comfort and peace. I hope you can respect that.”
“I’ve decided to step back and prioritize my well-being during the holidays. I appreciate your understanding.”
“Family dynamics can be complicated, and I’m taking this time to reflect and focus on my own growth.”
“I’ve made a conscious decision to take a break from family gatherings this year for personal reasons. I hope you can respect that.”
“I’m focusing on creating a positive and nurturing environment for myself during the holidays.”
“I’ve chosen to spend the holidays in a way that aligns with my current journey of self-discovery and healing.”

Hopefully these scripts will feel supportive. Of course, create any and all iterations from them that resonate with you and your unique situation. But above all else remember that you get to hold your boundaries and say whatever you’d like. You’re not responsible for making other people feel comfortable if you’re honest about your situation.

What are some alternate ways to celebrate the holidays when family gatherings feel too hard?

As you internalize the digital permission slip reminders and hold your boundaries politely but assertively, consider, too, lining up alternative plans/extra supports for yourself through the holiday season if your plans don’t/can’t/shouldn’t include your family of origin or anyone else:

Create Your Own Rituals: Establish new, positive holiday traditions that align with your values and bring you joy.
Solo Movie Marathon: You know how I’m a big believer in the power of cinematherapy, so enjoy a movie or TV show marathon of your favorite films or shows, creating a cozy and fun environment.
Volunteer for a Cause: Volunteering can significantly boost your mental health, with research showing it leads to better self-esteem and lower depressive symptoms. Consider volunteering for a cause you’re passionate about, such as mental health organizations or local food banks. This can foster a sense of purpose and improve your wellbeing.
Nature Retreat: Escape to nature for a day or weekend to recharge and find solace away from the pressures of the holiday season. I’ll always recommend Esalen if you can get there.

What supportive measures can help you survive and even thrive during the holiday season?

And finally, remember to layer on lots of extra support during this time if the holidays feel hard. Consider one or all of the following to help you:

Crisis Hotline Contacts: Save crisis hotline numbers in your phone in case you need immediate support during challenging times. We havemy therapy practice over on the resource page of my therapy center’s blog. Check those out.
Therapy Sessions: Schedule therapy sessions with your therapist before, during, and after the holidays for extra support.
Lean On Friends Who Get It: Reach out to supportive friends who understand your situation, and let them know you might need some extra support during this time.
Utilize Online Resources: Websites like Reddit have dedicated communities where individuals share their experiences and provide support for those who find the holidays difficult. Explore these subreddits:
- r/EstrangedAdultChild:
  - This subreddit is specifically for adults who are estranged from their parents. Members share their stories, seek advice, and provide support to one another.
- r/raisedbynarcissists:
  - While not exclusively for those who are estranged, this subreddit is a supportive community for people dealing with narcissistic parents. Many members share their experiences of going no-contact or low-contact with family members.
- r/justnofamily:
  - This subreddit is for individuals dealing with difficult family dynamics. It includes stories of estrangement, setting boundaries, and seeking advice on managing challenging family relationships.
- r/familyestrangement:
  - This is a community specifically focused on family estrangement. Members share their experiences, offer support, and discuss various aspects of being estranged from family.

How can therapy help you prepare for and navigate holiday triggers?

When holiday season activates every trauma response in your nervous system—from hypervigilance about family questions to somatic memories of seasonal danger—therapy provides essential scaffolding for surviving and even reclaiming this time of year.

A trauma-informed therapist understands that your body’s reaction to shorter days and family-centric celebrations isn’t dramatic or ungrateful but rather evidence of how thoroughly your system learned to associate this season with threat. Through therapeutic work, you explore not just conscious holiday memories but the implicit body memories that make December feel dangerous regardless of current circumstances.

In session, you might process specific holiday traumas while also addressing the broader pattern of seasonal activation, learning to differentiate between then and now, between past danger and present safety. Your therapist helps you understand that setting boundaries with family during holidays isn’t betrayal but self-preservation, that creating alternative traditions isn’t giving up on connection but building sustainable ways to celebrate.

The therapeutic process includes developing practical strategies—scripts for difficult conversations, grounding techniques for family encounters, permission to opt out entirely—while also addressing the deeper wound of not having the family holidays our culture insists everyone deserves.

Through consistent support, you learn that holidays can be reimagined rather than simply endured, that you can create meaning and even joy outside traditional family structures. Most importantly, therapy offers what family gatherings cannot: a genuinely safe space where your complex feelings about holidays are validated rather than challenged, where choosing yourself over family expectations is recognized as growth rather than selfishness. If you’re looking for practical, thoughtful ways to support yourself or someone you love through the winter months, our guide to holiday gift ideas for the winter blues offers curated suggestions designed with emotional wellbeing in mind.

Wrapping up.

Most importantly though, as you navigate this holiday season and if this time of year feels painful for you, please make whatever choices you can to take care of yourself.

It’s hard enough having painful feeling states, but when the rest of the world is seemingly chipper and full of holiday cheer and you feel alone in your painful experience, it is, I think, harder to bear.

So please be kind to yourself in whatever way this looks – holding the boundaries you need, acknowledging or ignoring the season, re-writing your experience, and fundamentally, taking good care of your physical and mental health as best you can.

If you need suggestions for added support right now, be sure to explore this post.

And now I’d love to hear from you in the comments below:

Do you find this time of the year triggering? What’s one script, alternative celebration structure or support that you use during these winter holidays to help take good care of yourself?

If you feel so inclined, please leave a message in the comments. This blog, this little corner of the internet, receives about 30,000 visitors each month, and our blog comments have become a kind of community where folks with similar paths and journeys find each other, learn from each other, and take hope and inspiration from each other’s shares.

Here’s to healing relational trauma and creating thriving lives on solid foundations.

Warmly,

Annie

RESOURCES & REFERENCES

r/EstrangedAdultChild:
This subreddit is specifically for adults who are estranged from their parents. Members share their stories, seek advice, and provide support to one another.
r/raisedbynarcissists:
While not exclusively for those who are estranged, this subreddit is a supportive community for people dealing with narcissistic parents. Many members share their experiences of going no-contact or low-contact with family members.
r/justnofamily:
This subreddit is for individuals dealing with difficult family dynamics. It includes stories of estrangement, setting boundaries, and seeking advice on managing challenging family relationships.
r/familyestrangement:
This is a community specifically focused on family estrangement. Members share their experiences, offer support, and discuss various aspects of being estranged from family.

Listen to Annie on Podcast

If you found this article helpful, you may enjoy hearing me discuss these ideas in conversation:

I shared practical, compassionate strategies for navigating difficult family dynamics during the holidays in my episode on Sorta Awesome about holiday boundaries.

If what you’ve read here resonates, I want you to know that individual therapy and executive coaching are available for driven women ready to do this work. You can also explore my self-paced recovery courses or schedule a complimentary consultation to find the right fit.

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Why do I feel so overwhelmed and anxious during the holidays, even though I usually handle stress well?

It’s common for driven individuals to experience heightened stress during the holidays. The pressure to maintain appearances, manage complex family dynamics, and navigate emotional triggers can be particularly draining, even if you’re adept at managing other life stressors. This post offers strategies to help you navigate these unique challenges with greater ease.

How can I set healthy boundaries with my family during holiday gatherings without feeling guilty or causing conflict?

Setting boundaries, especially with family, can feel daunting, particularly if you’re used to prioritizing others’ needs. This post provides practical scripts and reminders to help you communicate your needs clearly and kindly. Remember, protecting your peace is a form of self-care, and it’s okay to prioritize your well-being during this time.

Is it normal for old family wounds and childhood feelings to resurface so strongly during the holidays?

Yes, it’s very common for the holiday season to act as a powerful trigger, bringing old family dynamics and unresolved childhood emotions to the surface. The unique pressures and expectations of this time can amplify past experiences of emotional neglect or relational trauma. The post offers supports and reminders to help you process these feelings and respond to them constructively.

I often feel lonely or misunderstood during the holidays, even when surrounded by people. What can I do?

Feeling lonely or misunderstood amidst holiday gatherings is a poignant experience many driven, ambitious women share, especially if past relational patterns left you feeling unseen. It’s a sign that your deeper emotional needs might not be met in those interactions. This post offers reminders and supports to help you connect with yourself and find genuine comfort, even when external connections feel lacking.

What are some practical ways I can support myself when holiday triggers feel unavoidable?

When triggers feel inevitable, having a toolkit of practical supports is crucial for maintaining your emotional well-being. This post outlines specific reminders and actionable strategies you can implement to ground yourself and navigate challenging moments. These supports are designed to help you stay present and responsive, rather than reactive, during the holiday season.

Both/And: You Can Love Your Family and Still Need to Protect Yourself

One of the most quietly agonizing aspects of holiday triggering for many of my clients is the coexistence of genuine love and real harm. Most of the women I work with don’t have straightforwardly terrible families. They have complicated families — families with warm moments and genuinely cruel ones, families where love existed alongside harm, families where the people who hurt them were also the people they needed and, in some cases, still love.

The holidays press on this complexity because they are explicitly organized around togetherness, and togetherness with family brings everything — the warmth and the wounds — into close quarters simultaneously. You can love your mother and still be triggered by her criticism. You can look forward to your brother’s humor and still dread what happens when your father drinks. You can be genuinely glad to see your grandmother and still feel the old sadness about what her generation passed down without knowing it.

I work with Neha, a financial analyst whose family gatherings are characterized by what she calls “aggressive warmth” — a kind of loud, physical affection that coexists with cutting humor and unspoken rules about what can and can’t be acknowledged. “I leave every family dinner feeling both loved and small,” she told me. Both things are real. That’s not confusion — it’s an accurate reading of a complicated system.

The Both/And framework gives you permission to hold the complexity without having to resolve it into a simpler story. You don’t have to hate your family to need protection from them. You don’t have to cut them off to acknowledge that certain interactions reliably harm you. You can show up — with limits, with strategies, with your self-care in place — as someone who loves your family and also knows your nervous system’s needs. Both things are allowed to be true.

The Systemic Lens: Why Holiday Triggering Is a Social and Cultural Phenomenon

Holiday triggering isn’t just a personal problem — it’s a social one, and understanding the systemic dimensions can reduce some of the shame that often accompanies it.

The holiday season is saturated with prescriptive cultural messaging about what families should look like: warm, functional, joyful, together. These images are on every advertisement, every holiday movie, every social media feed. For people whose families don’t match this template — and a significant proportion of the population falls into this category, whether through dysfunction, estrangement, loss, or simple difference — the cultural bombardment creates a specific kind of loneliness: the sense that everyone else is having the holiday you’re not having.

This cultural loneliness compounds the personal triggering. You’re not just dealing with your family dynamics; you’re doing it inside a cultural frame that treats those dynamics as aberrations from a norm that may not even be as common as the images suggest. The research on family dysfunction consistently reveals high prevalence: roughly one in four adults reports problematic alcohol use in their family of origin, domestic violence affects an estimated one in three women globally, and rates of childhood emotional neglect — which doesn’t always register as “trauma” but consistently shapes adult nervous systems — are considerably higher than commonly acknowledged.

There is also a socioeconomic dimension to holiday stress that is rarely named directly. Financial pressure, cramped living situations, time scarcity, and the expectation of gift-giving that requires resources many families don’t have — all of these create conditions under which family tensions escalate. The holidays can be a period of genuine joy for those with sufficient resources and functional relationships; for those without, the gap between the cultural ideal and lived reality can feel enormous.

Understanding this systemic context can shift something important: if holiday triggering is this common, it’s not evidence of your personal brokenness. It’s evidence that you’re human, that you carry a real history, and that you’re navigating a genuinely difficult cultural moment without adequate support. Trauma-informed therapy can help you develop the tools to do that navigation more sustainably — and to find genuine moments of warmth and meaning even within difficult seasons.

I want to close by saying something directly: if you are reading this and the holidays feel genuinely unsurvivable right now — if the triggering is acute, if your nervous system is flooded, if you’re navigating something that feels beyond your capacity to manage — please reach out for support. You don’t have to get through this alone. Working with a trauma-informed therapist during the holiday season isn’t a luxury. For some of us, it’s a necessity. And you are allowed to ask for what you need.

The holidays may not become easy. But they can become more navigable — less about surviving and more about tending to yourself thoughtfully inside a complicated season. That’s what I hope for you: not the holiday of the advertisements, but the holiday you can actually have, with the tools and self-knowledge and support that make it workable. You deserve both the honesty and the care. Support is available if you need it.

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About the Author

Annie Wright, LMFT

LMFT #95719 · Relational Trauma Specialist · W.W. Norton Author

Helping ambitious women finally feel as good as their résumé looks.

As a licensed psychotherapist (LMFT #95719), trauma-informed executive coach, and relational trauma specialist with over 15,000 clinical hours, she guides ambitious women — including Silicon Valley leaders, physicians, and entrepreneurs — in repairing the psychological foundations beneath their impressive lives. Annie is the founder and former CEO of Evergreen Counseling, a multimillion-dollar trauma-informed therapy center she built, scaled, and successfully exited. A regular contributor to Psychology Today, her expert commentary has appeared in Forbes, Business Insider, Inc., NBC, and The Information. She is currently writing her first book with W.W. Norton.

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Medical Disclaimer

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do holidays trigger me even when nothing specifically bad happened during holidays in my childhood?

Your body holds implicit memories—feeling states without conscious recall—from this time of year. Shorter days, colder weather, and being stuck inside may have meant increased exposure to dysfunction or decreased opportunities for escape. Your nervous system remembers the seasonal patterns even if specific holiday memories aren't traumatic.

How do I handle the constant questions about holiday plans when I'm estranged from family?

Having prepared scripts helps: "I've chosen to celebrate in a way that aligns with my current needs" or "I'm focusing on creating a peaceful holiday experience for myself." You're not obligated to explain your family situation or make others comfortable with your choices—a simple redirect often works best.

Is it normal to feel guilty about not wanting to see family during holidays?

Absolutely. Cultural messaging insists holidays equal family time, making boundary-setting feel like betrayal. But protecting your mental health isn't selfish—it's necessary. Guilt often indicates you're breaking dysfunctional patterns, not that you're doing something wrong. Your first obligation is to your own wellbeing.

Can I create meaningful holidays without family of origin involvement?

Yes, and many find these self-created traditions more fulfilling than obligatory family gatherings. Whether it's volunteering, nature retreats, chosen family celebrations, or solo rituals, holidays become meaningful when they align with your values rather than cultural expectations. You get to define what celebration looks like.

What if I feel completely alone while everyone else seems happy during holidays?

The isolation of being out-of-sync with holiday cheer intensifies pain. Online communities like r/EstrangedAdultChild or r/raisedbynarcissists provide connection with others navigating similar challenges. Crisis hotlines, extra therapy sessions, and friends who understand offer crucial support when cultural happiness feels mandatory but impossible.

Annie Wright, LMFT

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Browse By Category

The holidays can be triggering: 11 reminders, 15 scripts, and 8 supports.

What are 15 scripts you can use when holiday conversations become triggering?

What are some alternate ways to celebrate the holidays when family gatherings feel too hard?

What supportive measures can help you survive and even thrive during the holiday season?

How can therapy help you prepare for and navigate holiday triggers?

Wrapping up.

Listen to Annie on Podcast

Fixing the Foundations

Further Reading on Relational Trauma

Both/And: You Can Love Your Family and Still Need to Protect Yourself

The Systemic Lens: Why Holiday Triggering Is a Social and Cultural Phenomenon

Annie Wright, LMFT

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