The December Reckoning

There may come a night in winter—perhaps with last night’s dinner still on the counter near the sink, emails blinking unread, or simply that strange quiet after everyone’s asleep—when you feel it: you might have outgrown something you once loved or needed.If you’re someone who’s built their life on being driven and reliable, especially if your worth has often been tied to loyalty, mastery, or keeping things together, this realization can land differently.

I’ve worked with women who, by every external measure, have arrived: senior partners in law firms, nonprofit CEOs, government leaders. Yet for some, each December brings a particular kind of reckoning. They find themselves sitting in that quiet, wondering what might happen if they finally left.

Some discover, rereading a contract or board email, that they can no longer fully believe in what they’re being asked to carry. Others, working late at the office or hunched over their kitchen table, might feel that long-held dream of “making partner” or reaching the top beginning to shift—less like a goal, perhaps more like a golden handcuff.

For years, you might brush this feeling off, telling yourself that everyone gets restless when the year winds down. But this often goes deeper than seasonal blues: labor market analytics show that December and January are statistically the peak months for both planning and executing career moves, with intent-to-leave surveys and job searches jumping 26–33% during this period.

The exhaustion from old patterns, combined with annual reviews and that peculiar liminal space of holiday breaks, can give many of us permission to finally question not just our jobs, but whether we belong in the roles—or lives—we’ve built.

What rarely gets said out loud is that for those who’ve survived by being indispensable—by adapting, absorbing, caregiving, fixing—letting go might touch something deeper than career transition.

This isn’t simply about finding a new job.

It’s about what happens, on every level, when you consider releasing the very structures that once guaranteed safety.

The Deep Roots of Transition: Brain, Body, and Nervous System

To people looking from the outside, it might seem puzzling: “Why would you leave that job after ten years?” But for those who learned early that safety came from being useful, from keeping everything running smoothly, transition can settle deep into the bones.

In my practice, I worked with a senior government operations director who described how every time she drafted a resignation letter, her body rebelled. Her hands would sweat, her heart would race, her chest would tighten. The mere thought of letting go could leave her sleepless, sometimes spiraling into panic.

This wasn’t weakness or drama.

It’s precisely what neuroscientists describe: career transitions, particularly those that might threaten social standing or belonging, can activate the brain’s danger systems—the amygdala and limbic circuitry may respond as if facing actual threat.

Polyvagal theory offers language for this experience. For those who grew up in unpredictable or unsafe environments, endings might trigger physiological alarm bells older than conscious memory. Your social engagement system—evolved to keep you attuned to threat or potential exile—can become overwhelmed at even the thought of separation.

Another client, who’d spent five years as what she called the “emotional glue” of her department, put it simply: “If I leave, what if they fall apart? What if I do?”

This is biology at work.

For those whose adult lives were built on over-functioning—constantly soothing, adapting, never disrupting—even contemplating change might feel like violating an unspoken contract written long ago.

Why Identity Loss Hurts More Than We Think

For many driven and ambitious women, work isn’t simply what they do—it can become who they are. The Social Identity Model of Identity Change (SIMIC) and decades of research suggest that for some women, particularly those from relational trauma backgrounds, career and professional community aren’t supplementary. They may be foundational.

A client who built a nonprofit from nothing described the organization’s closure after funding disappeared as feeling “erased.” Her grief wasn’t metaphorical—research shows it can activate the same neural pain centers as actual bereavement. The anterior cingulate cortex, linked to both physical pain and social rejection, may respond to profound professional loss.

Grief often moves through familiar stages: denial, anger, sadness, bargaining, and eventually acceptance. But for driven women, grief might carry additional weight—concerns about “wasting privilege,” disappointing others, or failing to fix systems that perhaps were never designed to be fixed.

As threat and grief temporarily take the prefrontal cortex offline (our center for logic, perspective, and planning), anxiety and guilt can create loops that resist closure.

This goes beyond losing a position.

It can feel like losing your place in the world.

One client, the first woman in her family to complete graduate school, described leaving her department as “abandoning not just a team, but everything I fought to belong to.”

The urge to stay longer, to fix rather than exit, rarely comes from logic. It might echo those early, survival-based beliefs: change equals chaos; leaving means losing everything.

Why December? The Science of Endings and Renewal

Though it might feel purely cultural, the data tells a clear story: December and January intensify many people’s readiness for change. Google, LinkedIn, and executive coaching platforms all record significant spikes in searches, applications, and coaching requests during this time.

Between one in four and one in three professionals take some form of action during these months. Women are notably represented in this “review season,” particularly when dealing with burnout, poor fit, or growing disillusionment.

What drives this pattern? Research on habit and identity change shows that “temporal landmarks”—calendar resets, anniversaries, birthdays—can increase our willingness to examine existing patterns. Career psychologists call this the “fresh start effect”: heightened reflection and action, especially in winter, as we process not just where we are but who we might be becoming.

This window offers more than logistical opportunity.

It creates emotional space.

The relative quiet of the season can allow for deeper reckoning—perhaps for the first time since early adulthood.

Narrative Deep Dive: The Many Faces of Letting Go

Let’s look more closely at how this might unfold.

A law associate meets with her mentor every December to review her numbers. She confided to me: “Each year I feel less anchored. Yes, I hit every target, but there’s this voice I keep trying to ignore asking, ‘If I let this go, what am I?’”

In public sector work, dedicated teachers and administrators sometimes describe a growing distance during winter “professional development” sessions. One educator, a lifelong public school advocate, wondered aloud: “Am I holding space for a job that needs someone else—or for a version of myself that no longer exists?”

I’ve heard similar questions from social workers, ER doctors, and nonprofit directors. Often the hardest part isn’t logistics but what feels like a fracturing of identity: “Who am I if I’m not saving this city/program/department?”

A tech project manager came to me as December approached, saying all the productivity tools and optimization books weren’t helping anymore. “I think my real work might be acknowledging the grief,” she said, “not hitting another project milestone. I’m absorbing all the stress for my team, but what about what I’m losing?”

These aren’t isolated stories.

They’re variations on a theme that emerges, year after year, as the calendar turns.

Overfunction vs. Belonging: Why It’s So Sticky

Driven and ambitious women who survived through adaptation often know the cost: overfunctioning—managing, soothing, saving, outperforming—can take a physical toll. Workplace research suggests those identifying as the team “fixer” may report 2.5 times higher rates of autoimmune symptoms and chronic pain, even after controlling for job stress.

Current surveys reveal that some women stay, on average, 18 months beyond their personal “breaking point” before leaving unhealthy roles—perhaps held by duty, idealism, or hope for change.

The chronic impact of constant people-pleasing—elevated cortisol, increased limbic activation, reduced heart-rate variability—can cloud both judgment and resilience, making departure feel riskier than the damaging status quo.

Grieving Loss, Not Just Logging Out

I remember a client who spent over a decade essentially “parenting” her organization. After finally leaving, she initially felt only guilt, followed by numbness and even physical symptoms. Through deliberate rituals—writing memory letters, debriefing with trusted friends, walking the empty hallways one final time—her nervous system began to settle.

The tightness loosened.

The grief could move.

Research now supports “action plans” for grief, not just transition: team closure meetings, group acknowledgments, personal rituals. These practices may reduce anxiety and rumination while improving post-exit outcomes.

One peer-reviewed study found that women who marked their transition—through letters, calls, or rituals—experienced 22–30% lower rates of persistent regret and anxiety, and adapted more constructively than those who left without closure.

When “What’s Next” Is “Who Am I Now?”

Letting go rarely centers on the next title. More often, it might confront this question:

Researchers term this “identity disturbance”—a phase that, while uncomfortable, can catalyze post-traumatic growth when properly supported.

The best outcomes often emerge when women resist rushing to action or “the next thing,” instead allowing time in what’s called the “neutral zone.” I often recommend what research supports: structured journaling (”What do I fear losing?” “What invisible roles am I relieved to release?” “What story am I ready to claim?”), mentorship, and trauma-informed group work.

These practices can help the body and brain shift from “change equals exile” to “change might bring relief—perhaps even joy.”

Why Belonging Starts With Telling the Truth

After you leave, the world continues.

But your nervous system and soul might need something more.

Support groups, coaching, and trauma-informed therapy can serve as buffers, measurably lowering blood pressure, inflammatory markers, and stress chemicals that often spike during transitions. In every professional cohort I’ve facilitated, women who prioritized reflection and peer connection during their “goodbye season” typically experienced less anxiety and took more satisfying next steps.

A Season for Permission—and Preparation

If these stories resonate—if December’s approach brings more dread than anticipation—it might be time to trust what you’re sensing, not just what you think you should do.

Name the fear. Speak it aloud to someone you trust—a therapist, mentor, or even to your journal in private.

Grieve actively and physically. Channel any restless energy into ritual: walks, symbolic ceremonies, draft emails never sent, or playlists shared with understanding friends.

Find real support. This might not be the time to go it alone—therapists, peer groups, and communities with deep understanding of trauma and career transitions can transform a dreaded ending into an act of self-respect.

Let time work with you. Research confirms: the more you honor and process your ending, the less likely you may be to unconsciously recreate the same patterns in your next chapter.

The Bridge to “How” (and Why This Matters Now)

Consider resisting the urge to immediately fix or rush to “next”—and perhaps don’t navigate this alone. Next week in my Substack community, I’ll share a workbook drawing from the best neuroscience and transition research.

This isn’t about “bouncing back.”

Instead, think:

• Step-by-step guides for evidence-based rituals and team transitions
• Scripts for courageous exits and negotiated boundaries
• Reflective prompts for identifying patterns to leave behind before starting new ones
• Trauma-informed checklists to interrupt old overfunctioning before it takes root elsewhere
• Quick resilience practices for when anxiety or isolation peaks

Not because you “should”—but because you, and your nervous system, might deserve work that actually fits.

This is about legacy, not assignments.

Final Word: Endings as Evolution

I’ve witnessed courageous women across every field—law, government, education, nonprofit—approach endings with tears, relief, and hard-earned pride.

They aren’t broken, and neither are you.

Honor what your body knows, and consider that every honest goodbye might become the first step toward caring for yourself in ways achievement perhaps never could.

Warmly,

Annie

References

• Forbes. (2025, April 9). Why 50% of Americans Think It’s Time For A Career Change. https://www.forbes.com
• Careerwise. (2023). 5 Reasons December Is The Best Time To Find a New Job. https://careerwise.ie
• Robert Half. (2025, July 30). Career Considerations: New research shows 26 percent of professionals plan to change jobs. https://press.roberthalf.ca
• The Interview Guys. (2025, August 10). The Seasonal Hiring Patterns Analysis Report. https://www.theinterviewguys.com
• Scarlett, H. (2025, April 14). How to lead people through uncertainty. [YouTube video].
• Moran, E. (2024, December 19). Neuroscience and Change Leadership. Bright Arrow Coaching.
• Forbes Coaches Council. (2025, June 4). Why Leaders Fail At Change: The Neuroscience Of Transition Blindness. Forbes.
• Porges, S. W. (2022). Polyvagal Theory: A Science of Safety. Comprehensive Psychoneuroendocrinology, 10, 100133.
• Porges, S. W., & Dana, D. (2024). Polyvagal Theory: Current status, clinical applications, and future directions. Comprehensive Psychoneuroendocrinology, 12, 100197.
• Kolacz, J., & Porges, S. W. (2018). Chronic diffuse pain and functional gastrointestinal disorders after trauma: The roles of stress and emotional regulation. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 9, 419.
• Siegel, D. J. (2012). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
• van der Kolk, B. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.
• Haslam, S. A., Reicher, S. D., & Platow, M. J. (2020). The new psychology of leadership: Identity, influence and power (2nd ed.). Routledge.
• Jetten, J., Haslam, C., Haslam, S. A., Dingle, G. A., & Jones, J. M. (2014). How groups affect our health and well-being: The path from theory to policy. Social Issues and Policy Review, 8(1), 103-130.
• Eisenberger, N. I., & Lieberman, M. D. (2004). Why it hurts to be left out: The neurocognitive overlap between physical and social pain. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 8(7), 294-300.
• Macdonald, G., & Leary, M. R. (2005). Why does social exclusion hurt? The relationship between social and physical pain. Psychological Bulletin, 131(2), 202–223.
• Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On death and dying. Macmillan.
• Bonanno, G. A., & Kaltman, S. (2001). The varieties of grief experience. Clinical Psychology Review, 21(5), 705-734.
• Arnsten, A. F. T. (2009). Stress signalling pathways that impair prefrontal cortex structure and function. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 10(6), 410–422.
• Arnsten, A. F. T., & Shansky, R. M. (2022). The neurobiology of being “stuck” in stress. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 23(7), 420–433.
• Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.
• Schore, A. N. (2003). Affect dysregulation and disorders of the self. Norton.
• Pew Research. (2022). Majority of U.S. Workers Changing Jobs Are Seeing Real Wage Gains. https://pewresearch.org
• Dai, H., Milkman, K. L., & Riis, J. (2014). The fresh start effect: Temporal landmarks motivate aspirational behavior. Management Science, 60(10), 2563–2582.
• Bridges, W. (2004). Transitions: Making sense of life’s changes. Da Capo Press.
• Based on composite clinical experiences; see Kellerman, P. F. (2014). Professional burnout: Recent developments in theory and research. Routledge.
• Shirom, A., Nirel, N., & Vinokur, A. D. (2010). Overload, autonomy, and burnout as predictors of physicians’ quality of care. Journal of Occupational Health Psychology, 15(3), 276–289.
• Maslach, C., & Leiter, M. P. (2016). Understanding the burnout experience: Recent research and its implications for psychiatry. World Psychiatry, 15(2), 103–111.
• McEwen, B. S. (2017). Neurobiological and systemic effects of chronic stress. Chronic Stress, 1, 2470547017692328.
• Deloitte. (2023). Women @ Work: A Global Outlook. https://www2.deloitte.com
• Thayer, J. F., & Lane, R. D. (2009). Claude Bernard and the heart–brain connection: Further elaboration of a model of neurovisceral integration. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 33(2), 81–88.
• Schlossberg, N. K. (2011). The challenge of change: The transition model and its applications. Journal of Employment Counseling, 48(4), 159–162.
• White, M. M., & Riedel, S. L. (2020). Career transitions and identity. Career Development Quarterly, 68(4), 342–356.
• Eby, L. T., Allen, T. D., Evans, S. C., Ng, T., & DuBois, D. L. (2008). Does mentoring matter? A multidisciplinary meta-analysis comparing mentored and non-mentored individuals. Journal of Vocational Behavior, 72(2), 254–267.
• Tedeschi, R. G., & Calhoun, L. G. (2004). Posttraumatic growth: Conceptual foundations and empirical evidence. Psychological Inquiry, 15(1), 1–18.
• Uchino, B. N., Cacioppo, J. T., & Kiecolt-Glaser, J. K. (1996). The relationship between social support and physiological processes: A review with emphasis on underlying mechanisms and implications for health. Psychological Bulletin, 119(3), 488–531.
• Boehm, J. K., & Kubzansky, L. D. (2012). The heart’s content: The association between positive psychological well-being and cardiovascular health. Psychological Bulletin, 138(4), 655–691.

Medical Disclaimer