Definition: Relational trauma
Relational trauma refers to emotional harm caused by difficult or harmful experiences in important relationships, often during childhood. It can affect how a person trusts others and forms close connections throughout life.
Definition: High-functioning
High-functioning describes someone who appears successful and capable in daily life and work, often managing many responsibilities well. However, this can sometimes hide underlying stress, exhaustion, or emotional struggles.
High-functioning women with relational trauma histories often built their competency as a survival strategy—being exceptional became a way to stay safe, earn love, or avoid the vulnerability of needing anything from anyone.
Quick Summary
- You may have built your competency to stay safe and avoid vulnerability.
- Your high-functioning nature can lead to exhaustion and loneliness.
- You might struggle to receive help despite appearing strong and capable.
- Your authentic self can feel hidden beneath constant performance.
I’m a licensed therapist working with driven and ambitious women across the country.
SUMMARY
High-functioning women with relational trauma histories often built their competency as a survival strategy—being exceptional became a way to stay safe, earn love, or avoid the vulnerability of needing anything from anyone. The ‘curse’ is that this strategy works brilliantly in many areas of life while quietly creating profound costs in others: exhaustion, loneliness, difficulty receiving help, and a persistent sense that your real self is somewhere beneath the performance. This post names those costs and begins to point toward something different.
I’ve been practicing for almost 10 years now.
And in that time I’ve had the honor and privilege of working with some very high-functioning, accomplished women. CEO’s, founders, corporate lawyers, entrepreneurs, engineers, doctors and so on.
Women who are incredibly talented and who shine at work.
The kind of woman who everyone knows they can count on.
The ones whose plates at work get more and more full as their bosses, funders, colleagues, and boards pile more and more tasks and responsibilities on them.
“She’ll get it done. She always does.”
“If you want something done, give it to her.”
“You always step up, thank you for stepping up again and handling this.”
“You’ve got this, right? Yeah, I knew you would.”
“I don’t know what we’d do without you.”
Sounds amazing, right?
Must feel good to know that you’re so essential. And that you’re so high-functioning, and highly regarded in the workplace, no?
Well, maybe.
But you see, I think there’s also a shadow side to being the one who everyone counts on, to being the one who doesn’t let anyone down, to being the one who just takes on more and more and more.
It’s a downside that I call The Curse Of Competency and I want to talk about it with you today.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
What’s the downside of being so high-functioning?
While it may not seem obvious to think of there being a downside to being high-functioning, the reality is that there sometimes can be.
High-Functioning Trauma Response
A high-functioning trauma response refers to the adaptive pattern, common in driven and ambitious individuals with childhood or relational trauma histories, of using achievement, competency, and relentless productivity as primary coping strategies. Rather than collapsing under the weight of unprocessed trauma, these individuals often excel externally while carrying significant internal dysregulation—anxiety, perfectionism, difficulty resting, emotional disconnection, and an inability to ask for or receive help. The functioning is real; so is the cost.
When you’re the achiever, the high-functioning one, the super-strong one in your family, your workplace, or even in your community, you may not be the one people think of to help first (or at all).
You may “fool” people into believing you’ve got it all together, that you’re not struggling, that you’re not overwhelmed because of your track record of competency and accomplishments, but also because of any messages that you send (and have been conditioned to send) about being “fine.”
When you look like you have it all together, when you explicitly or implicity state that you are “fine” when really you’re not, you deprive yourself of the opportunity to receive and ask for help, to be supported in the ways you may truly need and want to be.
You consciously or unconsciously signal to others that they don’t need to worry about you. That their focus can go to someone else – the challenged younger sibling, the low-performer at work, your squeaky wheel colleague, the struggling neighbor, etc.
You appear to be okay, but inwardly you’re not.
Signs You May Be Carrying Relational Trauma
Take this 5-minute, 25-question quiz to find out — and learn what to do next if you do.
And you may not even know this yourself.
Look, the reality is that the person who sometimes needs help the most, is the person who least looks like she needs help.
THIS is at the crux of the curse of competency.
You need help, you want help, support, resources, etc., but because of how you come off to others and because of any stories and beliefs you hold that limit you from asking for help, you may not receive the support you truly need.
So what’s to be done about The Curse Of Competency?
Well, first of all, it’s important to know how and if this is playing out in your life as a high-functioning individual.
In what arenas – at home, with your family of origin, with your in-laws, at the workplace – where are you struggling?
Where have you reached your limits? With your time, energy, demands, capabilities, emotional capacity, and more?
How are you struggling and in what ways are you not receiving the help you actually need?
With childcare, with re-distribution of work and responsibilities, with ongoing obligations?
And then, you must ask yourself: what stories and beliefs and barriers are getting in the way of me asking for help?
What do I believe about asking for help? Do I believe I get to ask for help?
What did I learn about appearing “needy” and “vulnerable” growing up?
(Note: I put those words in quotes because those are often stories and words some of us assign to what it means to ask for help. It doesn’t mean that asking for help is, in fact, “needy” or “vulnerable”.)
And you must reflect on your boundaries.
When we have poor internal boundaries, not knowing where and when our own sense of “enough” lies, we can sometimes keep taking on greater responsibilities and obligations even though a part of us is crying out “ENOUGH!”
Feeling overburdened, over-asked, over-expected-of, and not doing something about it, not speaking up about it, is a boundary issue.
The stronger and more esteemed we are, the more sound and solid our boundaries are. And the more we can reverse The Curse of Competency. We can still be high-functioning women who give themselves permission. To not only be accomplished but to know when they’re struggling and who ask for help.
Psychologically whole, robust, resilient, and esteemed women and men who have good boundaries and who can respect and protect the boundaries of others are needed in this world now more than ever.
Breaking the Curse of Competency Through Vulnerability-Focused Therapy
When you arrive at therapy carrying the exhausting burden of being everyone’s rock—the CEO who never misses a deadline, the daughter who manages her parents’ crises, the friend who always has emotional bandwidth for others—your therapist sees through the polished exterior to recognize the profound depletion that competency without boundaries creates.
You’ve become so skilled at appearing “fine” that even you might not realize how not-fine you actually are, having learned early that being capable meant being valuable and that needing help meant being a burden.
The therapeutic work begins with examining the childhood origins of this pattern: perhaps you were the parentified child who held the family together, the “easy” one who never caused problems, or the achiever whose accomplishments brought the only positive attention in a chaotic household.
Your therapist helps you understand how 11 signs of high-functioning depression can hide behind exceptional performance, making it crucial to look beyond external success to internal suffering. Together, you explore how competency became both your superpower and your prison—keeping you safe from criticism but isolated from support.
The vulnerability work in therapy feels counterintuitive at first. Your therapist might invite you to practice saying “I’m struggling” or “I need help” in session, noticing the immediate anxiety or shame that arises. You explore the catastrophic beliefs underneath: if people see you struggle, they’ll lose respect for you; if you’re not indispensable, you’re disposable; if you have needs, you’re needy. These aren’t truths but trauma-informed survival strategies from a time when being low-maintenance was your best option for securing attachment.
Through gradual exposure to vulnerability—first with your therapist, then with trusted others—you begin redistributing the weight you’ve been carrying alone. Your therapist helps you recognize that asking for help isn’t weakness but wisdom, that having limits isn’t failure but humanity.
You practice disappointing others in small ways, saying no to additional responsibilities, admitting when you’re at capacity. Each time the world doesn’t end, your nervous system updates its programming: you can be both capable and human, both accomplished and supported, both high-functioning and honestly struggling when you need to be.
I hope that you’ll join me in being curious about this topic and working to esteem and empower yourself even more and reverse the effects of The Curse of Competency.
Here’s to healing relational trauma and creating thriving lives on solid foundations.
Warmly,
Annie
Related Reading
- What does it mean to be an ambitious, upwardly mobile woman from a relational trauma background?
- Attachment Trauma: How Early Relationships Shape Your Adult Connections
- Trauma and Relationships: When Your Professional Strengths Become Your Relationship Blindspots
|
Free Quiz What’s Running Your Life?The invisible patterns you can’t outwork… |
Your LinkedIn profile tells one story. Your 3 AM thoughts tell another. This quiz reveals the childhood patterns keeping you running — and why enough is never enough. TAKE THE QUIZ → |
Frequently Asked Questions
Can you be highly successful and also be significantly affected by childhood trauma?
Absolutely—and in fact the two are more connected than they might appear. For many driven, ambitious women, high achievement is not separate from their trauma history; it grew directly out of it. Performing excellently was often the way to feel safe, earn approval, or maintain control in environments that were otherwise unpredictable. The success is real; so is what drove it.
Why do high-functioning people often go so long without recognizing their trauma?
High functioning buys protection from the consequences that might otherwise force the issue—the relationship hasn’t imploded yet, the career is still intact, you can still ‘hold it together.’ There’s also often significant identity investment in the competency itself. Acknowledging the cost of high-functioning patterns can feel threatening to the very thing that has kept you safe.
What are the hidden costs of being the ‘capable one’ in every room?
Chronic exhaustion from never being able to let down, isolation from others who assume you don’t need anything, difficulty in relationships where your vulnerability would be genuinely welcome, and a deep disconnection from your own needs and feelings are among the most common costs. Many high-functioning women from trauma backgrounds describe a sense of performing a role rather than living a life.
Is my competency something to be ashamed of or get rid of?
No. Your competency is real and it is yours—and the intelligence and drive that created it are genuinely valuable. The work is not to dismantle the capability but to stop requiring it as the price of belonging, to be able to let it down without collapsing, and to allow yourself to be seen and supported as a whole person rather than just a capable one.
How do I start healing the trauma underneath the high functioning?
Often the first step is simply acknowledging that it’s there—naming the exhaustion, the loneliness, the sense that something important is missing despite outward success. Working with a therapist who specializes in relational trauma and who won’t be dazzled by your competency is key. The healing work involves learning to feel safe enough to need things, which is often the most radical departure from the survival strategy that brought you this far.
This is part of our comprehensive guide on this topic. For the full picture, read: When Being Good Isn’t Enough: Overcoming Perfectionism.
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post is for psychoeducational and informational purposes only and does not constitute therapy, clinical advice, or a therapist-client relationship. For full details, please read our Medical Disclaimer. If you are in crisis, please call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line).
You deserve a life that feels as good as it looks. Let’s work on that together.
References
- van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.
- Courtois, C. A., & Ford, J. D. (2013). Treatment of Complex Trauma: A Sequenced, Relationship-Based Approach. Guilford Press.
- Jurkovic, G. J. (1997). Lost Childhoods: The Plight of the Parentified Child. Brunner/Mazel.
- Parker, G., Roy, K., Hadzi-Pavlovic, D., & Mitchell, P. B. (2006). High-functioning depression: diagnostic and treatment issues. Australian & New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry.
- Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.
- Fosha, D. (2000). The Transforming Power of Affect: A Model for Accelerated Change. Basic Books.
- Peled, M. (2000). Boundaries and Boundary Violations in the Family. Family Process.
- Kaufman, G. (1989). The Psychology of Shame: Theory and Treatment of Shame-Based Syndromes. Springer Publishing Company.
- Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books.
What’s Driving Your Drive?
If you’re carrying more than just ambition beneath your high-functioning exterior, it’s time to get clear on what’s really running your life and start building a more solid proverbial foundation. Take the free quiz now.
About the Author
Annie Wright, LMFT
Annie Wright, LMFT helps ambitious women finally feel as good as their resume looks.
As a licensed psychotherapist, trauma-informed executive coach, and relational trauma specialist with over 15,000 clinical hours, she guides ambitious women — including Silicon Valley leaders, physicians, and entrepreneurs — in repairing the psychological foundations beneath their impressive lives. Annie is the founder and former CEO of Evergreen Counseling, a multimillion-dollar trauma-informed therapy center she built, scaled, and successfully exited. A regular contributor to Psychology Today, her expert commentary has appeared in Forbes, Business Insider, Inc., NBC, and The Information. She is currently writing her first book with W.W. Norton.
Work With Annie
