The failing kale plants in the raised bed? He’ll go to the store and buy bat guano and who knows what else to make a concoction to nourish the soil to make the kale more hearty. (Whereas I would just consider it a loss and add a few bunches to the grocery list that week.)
The random houseguest gift orchid that lost all its blossoms sitting in our too sunny living room? He’ll move it to the bathroom, take it out of its pot. And water and drain it in our sink until it’s healthy again (whereas I… well, you get the picture).
I admire this quality of my husband.
Even though and maybe especially because I don’t possess it myself (let’s face it: my thumb is brown, not green).
This is a habit of his – taking care of the environment of struggling plants so that they thrive again. And, with most things I observe, it makes me think about parallels with therapy and with psychological development principles. Particularly how antithetical this way of patient tending can be in dysfunctional family systems when one member is struggling.
I work with clients who come from dysfunctional families and complex relational trauma backgrounds. They – the proverbial plant in the garden – are often viewed as the problem of the family system versus a natural product of the context of the family system.
Families usually give them the message over and over that they’re not okay. And it’s not often (or ever) considered that the proverbial soil itself might be the problem.
And, more often than not, both the struggling plant and the soil it’s rooted in receive little to no patient tending to help bring it back to life as it were.
To learn more about this parallel and how it may apply to you if you came from a dysfunctional family and a complex relational trauma background, keep reading.
How does a dysfunctional family system affect your childhood?
All children need certain elements to grow and thrive physically and psychologically.
This includes (but isn’t limited to):
- a sense of safety and stability in their external environment (especially with their caregivers)
- adequate food, clothing, and medical care
- a deep regard and appreciation for their personhood
- and, more abstractly, love, time, attention, and consistent care from their guardians.
