Strong reactions and disowned aspects of self have so much to teach us.
Strong reactions and disowned aspects of self have so much to teach us.
Emotional Regulation & Nervous System • October 30, 2022
SUMMARY
When you experience strong emotional reactions that feel overwhelming or confusing, those moments often point to disowned parts of yourself—feelings or traits you pushed away in childhood because it didn’t feel safe to show them. These disowned aspects didn’t vanish; instead, they went underground to protect you, and now they show up as intense responses to people or situations that mirror what you once had to hide.
Re-integrating means consciously bringing those hidden or pushed-away parts of yourself back into your awareness and accepting them as an essential part of who you are, rather than rejecting or fearing them. It is not a quick fix or a way to erase difficult feelings instantly, nor is it about wallowing in old pain—it’s a process of curiosity and acceptance that unfolds over time. For you, this matters because re-integration opens the door to understanding the source of your strong reactions and softening the grip they have on your relationships and self-view. It’s about freeing yourself from being hijacked by parts of you that were silenced, so you can feel more whole, alive, and connected to your truth.
When you experience strong emotional reactions that feel overwhelming or confusing, those moments often point to disowned parts of yourself—feelings or traits you pushed away in childhood because it didn’t feel safe to show them.
These disowned aspects didn’t vanish; instead, they went underground to protect you, and now they show up as intense responses to people or situations that mirror what you once had to hide.
By bringing curiosity to these reactions and gently re-integrating those hidden parts into your life, you create space for deeper self-understanding and a more enlivened, authentic way of relating to yourself and others.
When something — or someone — triggers an outsized reaction in you, there’s often more information there than meets the eye. Strong emotional responses can be windows into the disowned parts of yourself: the aspects of your personality that were too unsafe to express in childhood and went underground to protect you. This post explores how recognizing these reactions can become a powerful tool for self-understanding and relational healing.
This little community – this corner of the internet devoted to exploring relational trauma recovery – has grown exponentially in the last few years. And I suspected all the new folks on this list would benefit from seeing one of my cornerstone older essays. I didn’t imagine so many of you long-time readers would appreciate the synchronistic nature of it. Being re-sent an essay about being disowned that was what you needed to hear again at this moment.
In honor of the fact that sometimes what’s old can still be salient and helpful… And in honor of the fact that tomorrow is Halloween. It is my favorite holiday and so symbolic of how we “try on” parts. I again wanted to share an older essay: “The Psychological Benefit Of Re-Integrating The Disowned Parts Of Ourselves.”
This little essay teaches me to explore those strong, adverse reactions I have. To question the jealousies that rise up inside of me. And to be curious about what parts of me I may have disowned and that now external circumstances trigger.
How do you begin re-integrating the disowned parts of yourself?
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When I pay attention to those parts of myself that have gone underground, that have been pushed to the back burner, and get curious about what they need and how bringing those parts and all their attendant desires more actively into my life…. inevitably I feel more enlivened.
Strong emotion
When I pay attention to those parts of myself that have gone underground, that have been pushed to the back burner, and get curious about what they need and how bringing those parts and all their attendant desires more actively into my life…. inevitably I feel more enlivened.
Disowned Self
A disowned self (or disowned aspect) refers to parts of your personality, emotional expression, or behavior that were suppressed, shamed, or deemed unsafe in your early relational environment. These parts don’t disappear — they go underground and often show up as strong reactions to other people who embody what you couldn’t allow in yourself.
And truly: feeling more enlivened is the crux and core of this relational trauma recovery work that we do.
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Reclaiming Your Wholeness Through Parts Work Therapy
When you enter therapy specifically to work with disowned parts, you’re embarking on profound archaeological work—excavating aspects of self buried so deeply you might not even remember they existed.
Your therapist, trained in approaches like Internal Family Systems or Voice Dialogue, helps you recognize that strong reactions and disowned aspects of self have so much to teach us about what we’ve had to sacrifice for survival. Together, you create a safe container to meet these exiled parts—the creative child who was told they were “too much,” the angry teenager who learned expression meant abandonment, the vulnerable one who discovered neediness led to rejection—approaching each with curiosity rather than the judgment that originally banished them.
The therapeutic process involves careful negotiation between your protective parts (who exiled these aspects for good reason) and the exiles themselves (who’ve been desperately trying to return home). Your therapist helps you understand that the inner critic who seems so harsh is actually trying to protect you from the humiliation that creativity once brought, that the numbness isn’t emptiness but a guardian keeping overwhelming feelings at bay.
Through techniques like empty chair work, guided imagery, or somatic experiencing, you literally practice embodying these disowned aspects in the safety of the therapeutic space, discovering that what once felt dangerous—expressing anger, showing need, claiming space—can now be held within your adult capacity.
Most transformatively, parts work therapy reveals that integration doesn’t mean becoming someone new but returning to wholeness—discovering that the parts you’ve spent decades avoiding actually hold essential gifts: your exiled anger contains your boundaries, your disowned sensitivity holds your creativity, your banished neediness guards your capacity for intimacy. As each part is welcomed home with understanding rather than shame, you experience what clients often describe as “coming back to life”—not just healing from trauma but reclaiming the full spectrum of your humanity that trauma forced you to abandon.
If, after reading it, you feel so inclined, I’d love to know from you in the comments:
What’s one previously disavowed and disowned aspect of yourself that you previously identified and re-integrated back into your life?
What was the benefit of reclaiming that part of you? What feels different and better now that you have?
What was one clue, one sign, one signal that pointed you to this disowned or disavowed part of you?
If you feel so inclined, please leave a message in the comments below so our community of 30,000 blog readers can benefit from your wisdom and lived experience.
Here’s to healing relational trauma and creating thriving lives on solid foundations.
Warmly,
Annie
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American Psychological Association. (2023). Stress in America. APA.org.
Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score. Viking.
Maté, G. (2019). When the Body Says No. Knopf Canada.
Why do I have such strong emotional reactions to small things?
Strong emotional reactions often signal that something important is being triggered within you, possibly related to past experiences or disowned parts of yourself. These reactions can be valuable clues for healing and understanding your deeper needs and emotions.
How can I start recognizing the parts of myself I tend to ignore or reject?
Begin by noticing moments when you feel uncomfortable, ashamed, or reactive—they often point to disowned aspects of yourself. Practicing self-compassion and journaling about these feelings can help you gradually bring those parts into awareness and integration.
Is it normal for driven, ambitious women to struggle with disowning parts of themselves?
Yes, it’s quite common. driven, ambitious women often internalize societal expectations that prioritize success over emotional authenticity, which can lead to disconnecting from vulnerable or less ‘acceptable’ parts of themselves.
How can understanding my strong reactions improve my mental health?
By exploring the origins and meanings behind your strong reactions, you can gain insight into unmet needs and unresolved trauma. This awareness allows you to address root causes, leading to greater emotional regulation and overall well-being.
What steps can I take to work with a therapist on disowned aspects of myself?
Look for a trauma-informed therapist who creates a safe, non-judgmental space to explore your feelings and reactions. Together, you can use techniques like mindfulness, somatic awareness, and narrative work to gently reconnect with and integrate those disowned parts.
Further Reading on Relational Trauma
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As a licensed psychotherapist, trauma-informed executive coach, and relational trauma specialist with over 15,000 clinical hours, she guides ambitious women — including Silicon Valley leaders, physicians, and entrepreneurs — in repairing the psychological foundations beneath their impressive lives. Annie is the founder and former CEO of Evergreen Counseling, a multimillion-dollar trauma-informed therapy center she built, scaled, and successfully exited. A regular contributor to Psychology Today, her expert commentary has appeared in Forbes, Business Insider, Inc., NBC, and The Information. She is currently writing her first book with W.W. Norton.
Annie Wright is a licensed psychotherapist, relational trauma specialist, and the founder and successfully exited CEO of a large California trauma-informed therapy center. A W.W. Norton published author, she writes the weekly Substack Strong & Stable and her work and expert opinions have appeared in NPR, NBC, Forbes, Business Insider, The Boston Globe, and The Information.
Disowned parts are aspects of your personality that became too dangerous to express in your original environment. A child whose anger triggers parental rage learns to disown their fierce parts. Someone whose sensitivity invited mockery exiles their tender aspects. These parts don't disappear—they go underground, splitting off from conscious awareness while still influencing behavior from the shadows.
Look for strong adverse reactions to others—intense jealousy, irrational irritation, or overwhelming judgment often signal projected disowned parts. If someone's joy infuriates you, you might have exiled your own playfulness. If vulnerability in others triggers disgust, you've likely disowned your own neediness. These reactions are breadcrumbs leading back to lost aspects of self.
Trauma recovery isn't just about processing painful memories—it's about reclaiming wholeness. Disowned parts hold vital life force energy. When you exile your anger, you lose access to boundaries. When you disown vulnerability, intimacy becomes impossible. Reintegration literally brings you back to life, restoring access to your full emotional and creative range.
Initially, it might feel foreign or even threatening—like wearing clothes that don't fit. You might feel "not like yourself" because you're expanding beyond your trauma-limited self. Gradually, you experience increased vitality, expanded emotional range, and surprising new capacities. Many describe feeling "more myself than I've ever been" as parts return home.
The key is conscious reintegration with adult resources you didn't have as a child. Your rage might have been dangerous in an abusive household but can now fuel healthy boundaries. Your sensitivity might have been overwhelming then but now deepens intimacy. Therapy provides the container to safely explore and integrate these parts with discernment rather than reaction.
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