TL;DR –Halloween's symbolism of trying on different identities offers the perfect metaphor for one of trauma recovery's most powerful practices: reclaiming the disowned parts of ourselves we had to abandon for survival. These aren't random personality quirks we've outgrown but essential aspects of self that became too dangerous to express in our original environments—the anger that triggered abandonment, the creativity that invited ridicule, the vulnerability that led to exploitation. These exiled parts don't disappear; they go underground, revealing themselves through our strong adverse reactions, unexplained jealousies, and mysterious attractions to certain people who embody what we've disowned.
The process of reintegration isn't just psychological housekeeping—it's how we reclaim our aliveness after trauma's numbing effects. When you notice yourself having disproportionate reactions to others' traits, you're often meeting your own disowned parts in projection. That colleague whose confidence infuriates you might be showing you your own buried self-assurance. The friend whose neediness repulses you could be reflecting your exiled vulnerability. By getting curious about these reactions rather than judgmental, you begin the sacred work of welcoming home the parts of yourself that trauma forced into hiding, discovering that feeling more enlivened is both the method and the reward of recovery.
I was so touched and honored by the emails and messages I received two weeks ago when I re-shared an older post of mine – Yes, sweetheart, you do actually get to grieve this.
This little community – this corner of the internet devoted to exploring relational trauma recovery – has grown exponentially in the last few years. And I suspected all the new folks on this list would benefit from seeing one of my cornerstone older essays. I didn’t imagine so many of you long-time readers would appreciate the synchronistic nature of it. Being re-sent an essay about being disowned that was what you needed to hear again at this moment.
In honor of the fact that sometimes what’s old can still be salient and helpful… And in honor of the fact that tomorrow is Halloween. It is my favorite holiday and so symbolic of how we “try on” parts. I again wanted to share an older essay: “The Psychological Benefit Of Re-Integrating The Disowned Parts Of Ourselves.”
This little essay teaches me to explore those strong, adverse reactions I have. To question the jealousies that rise up inside of me. And to be curious about what parts of me I may have disowned and that now external circumstances trigger.
Re-integrating the disowned parts of ourselves.
When I pay attention to those parts of myself that have gone underground, that have been pushed to the back burner, and get curious about what they need and how bringing those parts and all their attendant desires more actively into my life…. inevitably I feel more enlivened.
And truly: feeling more enlivened is the crux and core of this relational trauma recovery work that we do.
So today, I want to share with you this older essay to help you explore what the psychological benefit of re-integrating your own disowned parts might be for you.
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START THE QUIZReclaiming Your Wholeness Through Parts Work Therapy
When you enter therapy specifically to work with disowned parts, you’re embarking on profound archaeological work—excavating aspects of self buried so deeply you might not even remember they existed.
Your therapist, trained in approaches like Internal Family Systems or Voice Dialogue, helps you recognize that strong reactions and disowned aspects of self have so much to teach us about what we’ve had to sacrifice for survival. Together, you create a safe container to meet these exiled parts—the creative child who was told they were “too much,” the angry teenager who learned expression meant abandonment, the vulnerable one who discovered neediness led to rejection—approaching each with curiosity rather than the judgment that originally banished them.
The therapeutic process involves careful negotiation between your protective parts (who exiled these aspects for good reason) and the exiles themselves (who’ve been desperately trying to return home). Your therapist helps you understand that the inner critic who seems so harsh is actually trying to protect you from the humiliation that creativity once brought, that the numbness isn’t emptiness but a guardian keeping overwhelming feelings at bay.
Through techniques like empty chair work, guided imagery, or somatic experiencing, you literally practice embodying these disowned aspects in the safety of the therapeutic space, discovering that what once felt dangerous—expressing anger, showing need, claiming space—can now be held within your adult capacity.
Most transformatively, parts work therapy reveals that integration doesn’t mean becoming someone new but returning to wholeness—discovering that the parts you’ve spent decades avoiding actually hold essential gifts: your exiled anger contains your boundaries, your disowned sensitivity holds your creativity, your banished neediness guards your capacity for intimacy. As each part is welcomed home with understanding rather than shame, you experience what clients often describe as “coming back to life”—not just healing from trauma but reclaiming the full spectrum of your humanity that trauma forced you to abandon.
If, after reading it, you feel so inclined, I’d love to know from you in the comments:
What’s one previously disavowed and disowned aspect of yourself that you previously identified and re-integrated back into your life?
What was the benefit of reclaiming that part of you? What feels different and better now that you have?
What was one clue, one sign, one signal that pointed you to this disowned or disavowed part of you?
If you feel so inclined, please leave a message in the comments below so our community of 30,000 blog readers can benefit from your wisdom and lived experience.
Here’s to healing relational trauma and creating thriving lives on solid foundations.
Warmly,
Annie
